ChaoticGoodLoner Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 So this seems a grim title for a thread. Maybe it's the date but I'm feeling really melancholic. I won't get into why this date makes me feel this way because it just isn't necessary. But I'd like to put this somewhere and then retreat back into the shadows where I belong. I've posted here a few times before (under a different name) and. at the time, I was unsure of my identity. I can't believe it's this hard for me to say I've figured it out. I know now that I am asexual. I've never even so much as written the words until now. But this place, here and now, are the only time I'm ever going to state this so you can consider this my 'coming out' if you like. But it's really more of a 'coming out and then retreating again' event. Why? It has become clear that I am considered 'inhuman' by just about everyone and my stupid life is complicated and exhausting enough without having to justify myself to others for simply existing. Maybe I'm just cynical and frustrated but even when supposedly 'inclusive' people say that someone like me is invalid well, I'm sorry, but it just isn't worth the headache of actually telling people in real life. Nobody I know will ever get the truth out of me. As far as they're concerned, I'm hetero. If I'm ever asked, that's what I'm going to say. Call me stubborn. Call me a coward. That's fine. I can accept that. But to you here and now I can at least acknowledge the truth once in my life. If anyone feels like replying, go for it. I may respond. I may not. But I will be going back into the shadows either way. Like I said, it's where I belong. So, hence the title. That's why hiding is all I can do. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Sywei Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 Hmm, why not make the shadows fun then? Shadows are representations of the shapeless which in turn can assume any form imaginable. It can be a puppy, a rabbit, a mecha, so as long as you can imagine it, the shadows can take the form. Don't watch the opportunity go by easily, take charge and make what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
ChaoticGoodLoner Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 I have plenty of fun in the shadows on my own. I sort of have to or I'd already have gone insane. Might be halfway there anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Sywei Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 1 minute ago, ChaoticGoodLoner said: I have plenty of fun in the shadows on my own. I sort of have to or I'd already have gone insane. Might be halfway there anyway. Well maybe what you don't need is fun but to simply immerse yourself and float peacefully inside it. Just like one would watch a starry night sky. Link to post Share on other sites
ChaoticGoodLoner Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 4 minutes ago, Sywei said: Well maybe what you don't need is fun but to simply immerse yourself and float peacefully inside it. Just like one would watch a starry night sky. I'm not good at immersing myself in anything. I'm too cognizant of reality. I never float. I just sink. Link to post Share on other sites
Sywei Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 1 minute ago, ChaoticGoodLoner said: I'm not good at immersing myself in anything. I'm too cognizant of reality. I never float. I just sink. Hmm, then can you swim well? Link to post Share on other sites
ChaoticGoodLoner Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 Just now, Sywei said: Hmm, then can you swim well? I've learned how or else I wouldn't be here. Link to post Share on other sites
Sywei Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 Just now, ChaoticGoodLoner said: I've learned how or else I wouldn't be here. Then explore! Dive to the depths and explore the trenches, brush past the shape shifting dark weeds, observe the dark as you meld with them and help reshape their existence Link to post Share on other sites
OldSoul Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 Hey hey! Nobody needs to know if you want to screw or not. Nothing to be ashamed over. I'm still "in the closet" with my asexuality, but I think that may just be because it is absolutely nobody's business what I do in my bedroom- be it everything or nothing. They don't need to know that there is no party-in-my-pants. Maybe I'm just very very picky. They don't get to know. Link to post Share on other sites
ChaoticGoodLoner Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 13 minutes ago, OldSoul said: Hey hey! Nobody needs to know if you want to screw or not. Nothing to be ashamed over. I'm still "in the closet" with my asexuality, but I think that may just be because it is absolutely nobody's business what I do in my bedroom- be it everything or nothing. They don't need to know that there is no party-in-my-pants. Maybe I'm just very very picky. They don't get to know. I'm not ashamed. I guess I just wish I didn't have to hide. But hiding is way easier at this point so that's what I'm going to do. Link to post Share on other sites
OldSoul Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 @ChaoticGoodLoner Totally understandable! You don't have to hide, but if it takes more energy to not, then go ahead and slink back. Think of it as holding a secret. No one is privvy to your private news. I suppose that showed a bit of light on my own mind (a bit Freudian). There is a chance I am slightly ashamed. Sorry about that! Link to post Share on other sites
ChaoticGoodLoner Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 4 minutes ago, OldSoul said: @ChaoticGoodLoner Totally understandable! You don't have to hide, but if it takes more energy to not, then go ahead and slink back. Think of it as holding a secret. No one is privvy to your private news. I suppose that showed a bit of light on my own mind (a bit Freudian). There is a chance I am slightly ashamed. Sorry about that! Unfortunately I really do have to hide, I feel. And you don't need to be sorry I was only clarifying what I said. I can see that it might read how I could be ashamed. Also, as an aside, I wouldn't put too much stock in any Freudian line of thinking. Freud was mostly full of crap. Link to post Share on other sites
OldSoul Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 I've got a few psych courses under my belt and would agree. I use it as a phrase to mean "was thinking of something, leaked into my interpretation of a situation or what I said", as most do colloquially. Freud had some serious issues, himself. But, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar", when it came back around to bite, then. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 13 hours ago, ChaoticGoodLoner said: Call me stubborn. Call me a coward. That's fine. I can accept that. But to you here and now I can at least acknowledge the truth once in my life. If anyone feels like replying, go for it. I may respond. I may not. But I will be going back into the shadows either way. Like I said, it's where I belong. So, hence the title. That's why hiding is all I can do. I'm sorry. It makes me sad to read these lines. There's no reason to feel this way as there in beauty in everyone of us, including you. I know how it feels if the darkness falls upon you..but there's light at the end of the tunnel too. So, don't put yourself down. You're not alone. You don't have to hide forever. At least not here on AVEN. It's a place to express and speak your mind freely, being supported by many many other same-minded aces like you. All the best + a tasty piece of cake *hug* 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
ChaoticGoodLoner Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 33 minutes ago, Deus Ex Infinity said: It makes me sad to read these lines. There's no reason to feel this way as there in beauty in everyone of us, including you. I know how it feels if the darkness falls upon you..but there's light at the end of the tunnel too. So, don't put yourself down. You're not alone. You don't have to hide forever. At least not here on AVEN. It's a place to express and speak your mind freely, being supported by many many other same-minded aces like you. All the best + a tasty piece of cake *hug* 🍰 I appreciate the sentiment. But I have plenty of reason to feel this way. I won't get into why but I really do. I have to say that I'm perfectly fine with being alone. That's really not an issue. I've gotten pretty used to it by now. There's no light for me, I'm afraid, but I can live with that. I've said it once and I'll say it a thousand times: the shadows are where I belong. And, the thing is, I really do have to hide and I will do so until I die. The original post (and my profile I guess) will be the only time I acknowledge my identity in my life. Silver lining: At least I got to say it once. But thank you for the kind words. Like I said, it's probably just the date that makes me say things like this. But that's not something I'll talk about here. It's like my default setting to just bury everything. It really does make me feel like a coward. Ah well. Suppose I can live with that, too. Sorry for rambling. Thanks again, just for being kind. The world could use a lot more of that. Link to post Share on other sites
ChaoticGoodLoner Posted July 14, 2018 Author Share Posted July 14, 2018 Double post but I wish I could either lock or delete this entire thread. It doesn't matter, I guess. I'll let it die, like it should. Link to post Share on other sites
secrethamster Posted July 16, 2018 Share Posted July 16, 2018 You seem at least somewhat comfortable with staying where you are, and I'm not going to try to convince you to change that. I just want you to know that if you ever do feel like you can't handle it anymore or it gets more difficult, please talk to someone irl or here on AVEN. There's nothing cowardly about choosing the path of least resistance; I usually find it to be the smarter course of action (as long as there are no major consequences). Anyway, thank you for sharing even if we don't hear from you again. Best of luck with everything Link to post Share on other sites
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