bring_back_eiffel_65 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 So, I'm feeling a bit (a lot) like a fraud here. I've been in a heterosexual relationship with a really wonderful person for the past five years. We've been living together for awhile now, sharing expenses, involved romantically, infrequent but OK (at least as far as I've heard) sex life. We have a cat together, like the whole 9 yards of being in a relationship. Things have been pretty great all together for us. However I've recently come to the realization that I'm not as I first presented. I explained better in another post, but I'm starting to understand that my views on sexuality are not shared with a lot of the rest of the population and that's been a big thing I've been dealing with. The more I read about asexuality, the more I hear from the community, and the more I think about my own viewpoints and feelings I've definitely come to the conclusion that I'm asexual. I'm struggling with a few things here and I hope the community can maybe offer some insight or share similar experiences. 1. Do I even need to "come out"? On the one hand, I'm in a happy relationship and I don't want to "rock the boat". I can tolerate sex (it's not my favorite, I'd rather do anything else - but it makes my partner happy, so I compromise). I like the other parts of our relationship. I don't intend on leaving them or finding another partner, I don't intend on increasing or decreasing the amount of intimate time we spend together, I don't intend on the foundations of our relationship to change. I'm also concerned that "outing" myself would inadvertently disclose information about my partner's private life, if that makes sense. So is this something that I can just keep to myself? 2. I'm afraid of hurting my partner. The biggest fear is that if I tell my partner I'm asexual I'm basically saying, "So you know how you thought I was sexually attracted to you/found you hot/wanted to totally get it on? Turns out I was lying to both of us this whole time!" I don't know how to explain that while... OK, sex isn't BAD, but if it never happened again I'd be fine, and NOT have that hurt them in some way. Putting myself in their shoes, if my partner told me "Hey I don't actually feel a desire to have an intimate relationship but it's totally cool if we do anyway", I'd feel lied to and like any subsequent time we're intimate was devalued (?). I don't know how to explain I wasn't intentionally being deceitful - I honestly thought I was normal. 3. I still feel the urge to connect with the asexual community. Despite this, I still want to be a part of asexual community spaces. I still feel an urge to be open an honest about who I am, despite it not really changing much in my day-to-day life. There's a meetup in my city I would love to attend - To meet others and be social, to find a community that understands what I'm going through, to explore a space I've recently discovered and feel a strong connection to and I can't do that and not be honest with my partner. I'm not saying asexuality has to be my whole identity, but I'm coming to a crossroads between point #1 (to tell vs not tell my partner) and #3 (to be a part of the community vs ignoring it). I just really need to hear your opinions on this matter. Has anyone gone through this before, and how did your partner react? Do you have any advice on how to start this sort of really difficult conversation? How would you recommend navigating this? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 @bring_back_eiffel_65 While I have never been in a relationship, I will try to put myself into your shoes. I know it must take a lot of courage to make a final decision on this, either way it may go. Here's what I would suggest doing. I would suggest coming out to him (if you really want to, no pressure) and be more active in the ace community. I believe that if this man really does love you, he will understand. If not, I would view it as a lesson learnt (if that's the correct phrase) and find someone else (which I know must be REALLY hard to do). I hope I have helped in some way and that I didn't come across as being rude or dismissive of your situation, as I'm really trying to understand it and give you the best advice I have. Moving Bravely Forward, The Angel of Eternity Link to post Share on other sites
bring_back_eiffel_65 Posted July 11, 2018 Author Share Posted July 11, 2018 27 minutes ago, The Angel of Eternity said: @bring_back_eiffel_65 While I have never been in a relationship, I will try to put myself into your shoes. I know it must take a lot of courage to make a final decision on this, either way it may go. Here's what I would suggest doing. I would suggest coming out to him (if you really want to, no pressure) and be more active in the ace community. I believe that if this man really does love you, he will understand. If not, I would view it as a lesson learnt (if that's the correct phrase) and find someone else (which I know must be REALLY hard to do). I hope I have helped in some way and that I didn't come across as being rude or dismissive of your situation, as I'm really trying to understand it and give you the best advice I have. Moving Bravely Forward, The Angel of Eternity Thank you, sincerely, for the thoughtful response. Yeah, the fear that they won't understand/accept/be willing to move forward (which is valid and understandable) if I tell them has been a huge factor in me holding back. Maybe it's time to face it, though. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Caticorn Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 Following. I literally had/have all these exact same questions right now. I guess the only other one I had would be if I did tell my boyfriend, would it be okay if he was the only person that I told? Since (1) neither of our families would understand and (2) he is really the most important person who ~probably~ should know.... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Talgo Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 12 hours ago, bring_back_eiffel_65 said: 1. Do I even need to "come out"? My opinion: Yes. It's not really fair to lie to your partner. Especially when you say you are willing to go on as things are (as far as sex goes, etc). Not only are you being truthful with your partner, it allows them to adapt to _your_ needs. 12 hours ago, bring_back_eiffel_65 said: I'm also concerned that "outing" myself would inadvertently disclose information about my partner's private life, if that makes sense. Yes, it does make sense. I told my partner I was asexual (before we started dating) but avoided telling any of our friends for fear of what they might think of her. It's a weird way of thinking about it, but I know what you mean. And considering guys are supposed to be the sex addicts in relationships, I think it's even greater for you. For this reason, I don't think there is any reason you need to tell anyone else (if you don't want to). 12 hours ago, bring_back_eiffel_65 said: 2. I'm afraid of hurting my partner. I get that. I don't think you lied to him when you thought he was attractive. I find plenty of women attractive. Honestly, I don't even want to be in a romantic relationship if I don't find the person attractive (which I guess is really weird, but it's how I feel 😕). 13 hours ago, bring_back_eiffel_65 said: I don't know how to explain I wasn't intentionally being deceitful - I honestly thought I was normal. Hopefully they are a reasonable person and can accept this. Again, I don't think you were intentionally lying to them, you just went with social norms. Get a BF, have sex, buy things together, etc... Just because you were following along with what society has deemed acceptable doesn't make you a bad person. I never realized I was asexual till I was 30. I didn't realize humans could even _be_ asexual. You know your guy better than anyone here, but if you have been together this long, there is a good chance they are understanding and want to continue being with you. 13 hours ago, bring_back_eiffel_65 said: 3. I still feel the urge to connect with the asexual community. Good. I've been here a couple years (mostly lurking, only recently active) and it has helped a lot. There are lots of posts started by people (of both sexes) that constantly make me feel less alone. Like, my whole life I was missing this part of myself, and I only found it when I came here. Last suggestion is show your partner this site. There are forums for partners/parents and he might find some insight there. Regardless of what you decide, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 On 7/11/2018 at 5:48 AM, bring_back_eiffel_65 said: So, I'm feeling a bit (a lot) like a fraud here. I've been in a heterosexual relationship with a really wonderful person for the past five years. We've been living together for awhile now, sharing expenses, involved romantically, infrequent but OK (at least as far as I've heard) sex life. We have a cat together, like the whole 9 yards of being in a relationship. Things have been pretty great all together for us. However I've recently come to the realization that I'm not as I first presented. I explained better in another post, but I'm starting to understand that my views on sexuality are not shared with a lot of the rest of the population and that's been a big thing I've been dealing with. The more I read about asexuality, the more I hear from the community, and the more I think about my own viewpoints and feelings I've definitely come to the conclusion that I'm asexual. I'm struggling with a few things here and I hope the community can maybe offer some insight or share similar experiences. 1. Do I even need to "come out"? On the one hand, I'm in a happy relationship and I don't want to "rock the boat". I can tolerate sex (it's not my favorite, I'd rather do anything else - but it makes my partner happy, so I compromise). I like the other parts of our relationship. I don't intend on leaving them or finding another partner, I don't intend on increasing or decreasing the amount of intimate time we spend together, I don't intend on the foundations of our relationship to change. I'm also concerned that "outing" myself would inadvertently disclose information about my partner's private life, if that makes sense. So is this something that I can just keep to myself? 2. I'm afraid of hurting my partner. The biggest fear is that if I tell my partner I'm asexual I'm basically saying, "So you know how you thought I was sexually attracted to you/found you hot/wanted to totally get it on? Turns out I was lying to both of us this whole time!" I don't know how to explain that while... OK, sex isn't BAD, but if it never happened again I'd be fine, and NOT have that hurt them in some way. Putting myself in their shoes, if my partner told me "Hey I don't actually feel a desire to have an intimate relationship but it's totally cool if we do anyway", I'd feel lied to and like any subsequent time we're intimate was devalued (?). I don't know how to explain I wasn't intentionally being deceitful - I honestly thought I was normal. 3. I still feel the urge to connect with the asexual community. Despite this, I still want to be a part of asexual community spaces. I still feel an urge to be open an honest about who I am, despite it not really changing much in my day-to-day life. There's a meetup in my city I would love to attend - To meet others and be social, to find a community that understands what I'm going through, to explore a space I've recently discovered and feel a strong connection to and I can't do that and not be honest with my partner. I'm not saying asexuality has to be my whole identity, but I'm coming to a crossroads between point #1 (to tell vs not tell my partner) and #3 (to be a part of the community vs ignoring it). I just really need to hear your opinions on this matter. Has anyone gone through this before, and how did your partner react? Do you have any advice on how to start this sort of really difficult conversation? How would you recommend navigating this? Thank you. Hi quick answer: come out ASAP, it wont make your partner happy, but it will make him able to ‘deal’ with reality, instead of blaming himself or worrying how to turn you on or touch you. If that is how you feel and who you are, then not telling is keeping important information away from him. If you can find ways to have sex, and perhaps even enjoy, then struggle to find it. It has helped me (us) to not talk about compromise, but more mutual agreement. We have our session on a set interval. Sometimes it is only for me. Sometimes she wants to play along. It is always okay to postpone or say not tonigth. It helos to remove ‘sexy’ from the equation and she does not like foreplay, since the anticipation and longing is more for the sexual. I am not saying that it is just perfect, but it is way better for me. I know sex is happening. I know she says if she is not okay. I know it is done in love. I know she is more relaxed since she isnt on her toes about figuring out, if a kiss is just a kiss or part of a foreplay. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 As a sexual man currently splitting up from a functionally asexual wife after 19 years, I'd say you need to tell your partner. While he'll probably feel like the rug has been pulled from under his feet initially, I'd be surprised if he doesn't have some inkling that something about your sex life is different to other sexual relationships he's been in. Not necessarily worse, but it's hard not to notice your partner isn't as engaged or enthusiastic about sex as you are, however good a show they think they're putting on. Most sexuals posting on here say they realised there was something a little 'off' about sex with their now-out asexual partner from the start. So it'll be an explanation for whatever he's wondering about now (and I bet he is). Without that explanation, and especially if/when sex tails off even more, he'll assume the lack of sexual activity indicates something deeper wrong with the relationship, because outside of relationships involving asexuals, it generally does indicate something else is wrong. The other reason is that while both sexuals and asexuals often try to compromise from their ideal to make an otherwise strong relationship work, often those compromises can't be sustained, on one or both sides. So the truth comes out, and it's better that the truth comes out sooner rather than later; it hurts less, and there's less re-thinking to do. Link to post Share on other sites
bring_back_eiffel_65 Posted July 13, 2018 Author Share Posted July 13, 2018 I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here who responded, especially those of you who are on the opposite side of the coin. I really appreciate your input. It seems the general consensus is to tell my partner as soon as possible, which is what I've decided to do. It isn't going to be an easy conversation for either of us but it has to happen, and the longer I drag it out the more it's going to hurt both of us. So I made a plan to sit down this weekend over breakfast and just say what I need to say. I hope I am able to explain how I feel, I hope that they hear it, and I hope that we are able to work through what happens next together. Wish me luck, and thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
antioquia Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 I know this isn't advice, but I'm going through the exact. Same. Thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 I went through it, Eiffel. It finally worked out for me and my partner to stay in our relationship, although we no longer have sex. That's OK, since we're both much older and he was no longer terribly interested in sex. We wish you luck, and let us know how things went. You will be doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted July 13, 2018 Share Posted July 13, 2018 Good luck and no worries for hanging around the ace community, you're more than and always welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
bring_back_eiffel_65 Posted July 16, 2018 Author Share Posted July 16, 2018 Hi everyone - I have a quick update, in case anyone was curious or if anyone is going through the same thing and wants to see how it turned out. IT WENT COMPLETELY FINE! I wrote down everything I needed to say, and sat down with my partner and told them. They pretty much said, "It's OK. I don't have anything to add, but it's OK. We should talk more but right now, I understand where you're coming from." I mean, that's pretty much the best I hoped for. Perhaps we'll talk more and there will be questions or boundaries set up or questions or further discussions, but for now... IT'S OK. So absolutely relieved. For anyone wondering - YES, it was worth it!! Link to post Share on other sites
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