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Married with Children


starweb

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Hello,

 

Being asexual and married with kids is what happens when you are from a religious background and marry young. 

 

I honestly thought my lack of interest in sex was just because of a lack of experience and after I married things would change. Looking back at myself while growing up,  I didn't care about going to the prom (didn't go) and didn't dream about my wedding day. I had the attitude 'If I find a husband, ok if I don't, that's fine-I'm not going to stress about it." I had the odd boyfriend here and didn't mind spending time with them but when it came to making out and whatever,...eww. Didn't like watching bedroom scenes on tv, not because of any kind of moral outrage but because I found them...uninteresting. I never could, and still don't understand the game of romance. The whole candy and flowers and dinner in exchange for sex thing. I didn't know that girls were supposed to be in some kind of competition for boy's attention. I didn't mind reading about or watching romantic scenes but when it came to me actually taking part in something like that...once again... eww...felt so fake.

 

 Married a good man, because, in our circle, that's what you did, you married. I do love him very much but felt no sexual desire for him but once again, thought that was all about lack of experience.  Things didn't change after marriage.  Had good sex I suppose, I had to think about other things while it was going on (I didn't know disassociation was a thing).  Husband wanted it several times a week, and I...never did. There wasn't anything wrong with HIM.  I love him but didn't desire him sexually. Don't desire anyone sexually. I tried, I really did.  Thought there was something wrong with me, went digging around for some kind of childhood trauma, nothing there. Wondered if it was religious repression or something, nope, unless they were all lying, my friends from similar backgrounds didn't have that problem. We somehow managed to have three children but I still felt there had to be a reason why I was this way. Finally found a person who was a demi-sexual who explained the whole thing and everything just snapped into place.   I wasn't broken! Nothing needed to be fixed!! 

 

Right now, we have a sexless marriage. Husband has a severe back problem, is on strong medication and is awaiting surgery. I had a hysterectomy. Husband doesn't know, no one in real life knows. He believe in the power of positive thinking and would honestly I could just will myself to change. I am thinking about telling my daughter eventually. She has gay/bi/trans friends and would most certainly understand.

 

Right now, I'm happy with just companionship and  I have to laugh when I read some of the things said to people in this community. "You just need to find the right person." I found the right person. Nothing changed. "If you just experienced 'good sex' things will change." I did, and nothing changed. Part of me wishes I had known earlier and I wouldn't have married, but then I wouldn't have my kids and love my kids so it's a mixed bag and apart from my zoning out completely in the bedroom, things have been ok. 

 

I'm new to this and don't know how to define myself. I find men attractive, like companionship and don't mind showing physical affection and 'some' romance but that's about it. If something happened to my husband I wouldn't mind marrying again, but for companionship only.  I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually, but anyway, that's my story. 

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NickyTannock

@starweb Welcome to AVEN!

 

And good luck on coming out to your daughter!

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@starweb Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! There's an infinite amount of :cake: here! Take as much as you want!

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I would be cautious about telling your daughter but not telling your husband. I'm sure she's very trustworthy, but if he ever did find out secondhand I'm sure he would be very hurt that you thought to confide in your daughter but not in him, especially with something pertaining to your sex life.

 

I'm sorry you had to find out like this after all that you've been through. I hope you and your husband can work things out.

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4 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

I would be cautious about telling your daughter but not telling your husband. I'm sure she's very trustworthy, but if he ever did find out secondhand I'm sure he would be very hurt that you thought to confide in your daughter but not in him, especially with something pertaining to your sex life.

 

I'm sorry you had to find out like this after all that you've been through. I hope you and your husband can work things out.

 Yeah, that's one reason I've been hesitant about saying anything and haven't come to any kind of firm decision yet. 

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Welcome! It can be hard to come out to the people in your life, but if you keep it all to yourself it will only make you feel worse as well for not telling them. It’s your descision if when and how you do this, but if you do chose to these might come in handy. Good luck either way!

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/a-parents-guide-to-asexuality/

http://www.asexualawarenessweek.com/

https://www.vox.com/culture/2018/3/26/16291562/asexuality-tv-history-bojack-shadowhunters-game-of-thrones

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/asexuals-on-coming-out-experience/

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Thanks for the links, the advice, and the cake! :)

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Hey and welcome :)

 

Thank you for signing up and introducing yourself! It's saddening to read yet another story where a religious background keeps people from exploring (and explaining) themself properly. Things like this seem pretty common in religious environments... we do have quite a few asexuals in what we call "mixed relationships" on here - you might be interested in reading through the Asexual Relationships section of the forums. Or maybe you're interested in the opposite POV? If so, For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies is the place to go. I'm sure that other people's experiences will give you a few ideas about how to go from here. You're not alone and AVEN is a very friendly and welcoming community, so don't be afraid to ask all the questions you may have.

 

I hope you'll find this site to be helpful :) Have some cake:

 

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Welcome to AVEN! Have some cake!

16e64fb4e4b5909877c1064e40dd779c.jpg

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