Hopeless Romantic Rant, Anyone Feel the Same?

[Keewee]

Hi, I've finally decided to actually make an account and post something after almost two years of first discovering what asexuality was and having that "aha" moment of connecting with people who feel similarly with me in terms of sex and relationships.

 

Recently I came across a short film on youtube titled, "Ace and Anxious" by the channel Undead Burrito Productions. It's just short of 14 minutes and I would highly recommend to watch, but the short gist is that a proud asexual girl wants to have sex as a way to relieve her anxiety yet the process of finding someone qualified to have sex with only makes her more anxious. That description really does no justice to the whole short film, which is why I recommend to watch yourself if you're more interested, but in a scene where the girl is talking with her therapist, who is against the whole idea, the therapist recommends masturbation, to which the girl replies that she has tried masturbation but it doesn't really work for her. This really resonated with me because I also have tried to masturbate many times with no result of any kind. Asexuality is so different for everyone and is experienced in many different ways, so I was curious if there were any other asexual people out there who have tried masturbation and then decide they would rather eat cake instead 😂

 

For some more context, I am not sex repulsed, in fact I am rather sex curious. I love romance novels and read anything from young adult to new adult to pure smut and sex. I crave the sweeter side of romance and yet the dirty stuff appeals to me as well, however never have I felt the need to masturbate while reading what my friends have called "good spank bank material". One day it occurred to me that I have never felt a need to masturbate, so I decided that maybe I should try, since many women find pleasure and joy from masturbation and perhaps if I were to try, I too would find enjoyment from it. That however, was not the case. At first I thought that perhaps I was just doing it wrong so I went to youporn, basically the only porn website I heard of, and looked up videos of woman masturbating. What I found embarrassed me greatly, which I find interesting that I can read about women masturbating and their thoughts about what it feels like but actually seeing it made my face burn so hot I could have melted a candle. Watching two people have sex was still awkward, but I was curious at the same time and started to picture people in my everyday life partaking in this activity, which also started to weird me out. I still don't really understand the appeal of sex but I still have an almost morbid obsession with it and every now and then I'll try masturbating and then wonder why I even bothered in the first place. I do not watch porn regularly, probably only went on youporn a total of three times, but I do still love to read romance novels, sex and all. 

 

At first I maybe thought that I was lacking in nerve sensation down there and that's why masturbation doesn't work, but I also wonder if this is just wishful thinking, of not wanting to accept that sex is simply not appealing to me when it's in context to myself. Also recently I came across the term lithromantic and sadly I fit this description to a T. It's like a case of hopeless romantic where I want a romantic relationship and someone to spend my life with, even if it's without sex, and yet anytime an opportunity presents itself I quickly hit the breaks and act like I never had romantic intentions in the first place. It makes me feel helpless and quite honestly like a jerk sending mixed signals yet I feel like I can't help retreating into myself. I don't have a ton of experience, but an occurrence like this had happened twice now. I feel like my only hope is that the person I'm interested in needs to be really persistent, patient and understanding. 

 

This post has gotten really long and honestly I'm not even sure what I'm asking or if I'm rather sharing my own experience and feelings in hope that someone will connect and reach out to start a chat. I have come to terms with being asexual for the most part, and I know that a good relationship doesn't need to have sex involved to be successful, yet I still feel lost with this all and my own feelings. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. 

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

@Keewee Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! in heAVEN, you can stuff all the  you want into your mouth because there's an infinite amount of it! That's right, take as much as you want! There are also infinite flavors, with an infinite amount of each flavor, so your favorite is sure to be there!

 

23 minutes ago, Keewee said:

Recently I came across a short film on youtube titled, "Ace and Anxious" by the channel Undead Burrito Productions.

That's really funny, I was watching that exact video only a few hours ago! I really liked it. Have you seen this one? I found it to be pretty funny!

 

[Keewee]

Yes I have seen this! It was in the recommended videos after I watched the other one. This one was also pretty good.

[Madao]

I haven't gotten around to watching that film yet, but I have kind of same experience as you. I am a hopeless romantic, and I always adore books which have a really good romance. I read gay and lesbian porn at times as well. However, the thought of seeing actual porn scares me a lot. My sister tried to persuade me to watch it a few days ago, but I was really reluctant. 

 

I was also curious about how masturbation works, and thought of trying it, but just thinking makes me scared and tired to even try it. I am not a fan of masturbation, to be honest. 

 

I am not lithoromantic, though I feel I might be, reading how your experience is exactly what I have experienced. I tend to push people away so that they don't get interested in me, although I desire to have romantic feelings. I haven't had a single crush in my entire life. I hope you get a person who will understand you in your life! Good luck and never give up! 

[Keewee]

2 hours ago, Madao said:

I am not lithoromantic, though I feel I might be, reading how your experience is exactly what I have experienced. I tend to push people away so that they don't get interested in me, although I desire to have romantic feelings.

It's always nice to hear others having similar experiences. I feel like it allows me to get more perspective about myself and validates what I'm feeling. Thank you for sharing!  

[veebs]

I am most definitely a romantic, and I wanted to share my perspective on feeling romantic attraction and the issue of pushing people away, as well as all the other stuff.  There is a lot to unpack in what you said. For the bit about being lithoromantic, you may very well be. But it may also be that you, like myself, have had trouble realizing how to interpret you  body and mind's reaction to possible romance.  To sort this out (and I'm thinking through a lot of things for my own benefit as well) the main things I'll share are my views on what romantic and platonic love are to me, how I know the difference for myself, how I know I'm feeling romantic attraction, the circumstances when I push someone away, and how I feel about sex and masturbation. 

 

For me, romantic attraction is when I know and care about someone. It is a lot like friendship in that I want to spend time and be with them, but there are some differences.  For me, the difference is in the kind of intimacy I want with them.  With my friends, I want to be around them, want to hang out and maybe cuddle. But I don't want to slow dance with them.  I don't want to lay in bed and cuddle. I don't want to run my hands through their hair, I don't want to curl up against them and take comfort in their scent.  There is something about a romantic interest that makes me want more non-sexual physical contact, that makes my heart flutter.

 

I think this kind of leads to a discussion about what the difference is between sexual and emotional attraction.  I'm not really sure what the difference is, so some of the rest of this paragraph is just conjecture.  But I know the difference when I feel it. The romantic reactions I feel are because of what's happening in my brain, which is a fact. Romantically, I feel a different kind of attraction than I do for a friend, something involving that unknown element of interperaonal chemistry. When it happen, my brain is flooding me with neurochemicals and hormones. For whatever reason, I don't have a sexual reaction, so I don't know what really happens on the arousal side  But I know I feel the other chemicals, like adrenaline, serotonin, and oxytocin. My heart pounds, causing my face to flush. The adrenaline makes me feel a tiny bit skittish, my stomach in excited knots.  I yearn to be around them.

 

When I am romantically attracted to someone, it has a lot to do with that person displaying favorable physical and personality traits.  There is a physical aspect of love that has nothing to do with sex.  There are aspects and features of a person,  both physical and emotional, that  cause emotional reactions. What I am attracted to is people with strong personalities, someone that makes me feel safe and protected. Not in a caveman way, but in the sense that this person will share my burdens, will stand and fight beside me, and is a person that I can support but doesn't need or want me to fight their battles.  When I meet a person like this, who is also kind and smart and funny? My heart pounds and I get so excited to be around them. And I want more from them.  

 

(On a side note, listen to your body. I have trouble unpacking and understanding my emotions. Sometimes I don't realize how sad I am until I cry. So if you're with someone you like spending time with, maybe your heart will pound and you'll feel warm because your brain is saying YES but you need time to figure out what your nervous system and brain are telling you.)

 

This leads me to the issue of pushing someone away. Maybe you are lithoromantic.  But maybe you're like me, so I'll share my story. Now, I've always been a romantic at heart and dated various people.  So there was a guy I'll call E. He was super sweet and I loved spending time with him. It was comfortable, and we could spend hours talking. But I didn't feel anything else for him. No heart racing, no excitement. At first I though it was because I wasn't sexually attracted to him. Maybe I was romantically attracted to him but couldn't tell with the sexual aspect. Time apart has allowed me to break this down for myself. Because I recognize now that I do want non-sexual physical intimacy.  But I never wanted that with E. But he was in love with me.  I pushed him away because having someone in love with me when I didn't love them back made me feel bad and guilty. So yes, you could be lithoromantic, but you could also be experiencing what I have. I only pushed people away when I realized I didn't want more, but they did.  If you spend time with someone to see how you feel about them, it's not your fault you didn't fall in love, it just happens. I think the pushing comes when I care about someone platonicly but know that I can't be the romantic partner they'd like me to be. So how do I know I'm not lithoromantic? Because of Marty. We met, we flirted, my heart was pounding. I wanted to date the fuck out of him. Then we ruined it by trying make out. Because I'm not into making out. For me, there's no physical sensation or reward that's worth how much anxiety and boredom I feel.

 

Which leads me to sex and masturbation.  For me, masturbation is all about achieving an orgasm.  I tend to overthink and over analyze things, and orgasms are a nice way to break that mental loop and feel good. I have no desire for sex. If I could achieve that sensation by eating or drinking something, I'd probably just do that.  Masturbation and want of an orgasm doesn't have a thing to do with normalcy. It's all body chemistry. Some people really crave the chemical rush that is an orgasm, some can take it or leave it. I have sexually active friends who don't enjoy masturbation. All you have to do is figure out what's normal for you. 

 

And regarding the reading of smut, U also do that. If I see porn, much of it leaves me cold. But a well directed and well acted sex scene in a movie? I do enjoy the sensuality of that. That's why I prefer written erotica, because the ones I like focus on the sensations, not the act. I think that is an important distinction.

 

I think the lack of sexual attraction is a good thing, in that our judgement isn't clouded by sexual desire.  But I think that also means that we don't end up in those situations where we go in for a relationship because of a physical desire.  Plenty of people do and a lot of people have relationships for purely sexual reasons. Since that isn't an avenue for us, a hook to start a relationship, I think it just means we have fewer random chances to find something. We're looking for something real, and that narrow the pool a but.

 

Sorry for the babbling. Hope this helps.

[Keewee]

On 7/13/2018 at 2:00 PM, veebs said:

Since that isn't an avenue for us, a hook to start a relationship, I think it just means we have fewer random chances to find something. We're looking for something real, and that narrow the pool a but.

Thank you veebs for your insight and sharing some of your own personal experiences. It really helps me gain perspective a bit, because I really don't have much experience myself to go on.