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Sometimes I feel like I am in limbo


pinkfizzie

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pinkfizzie

I guess I have been asexual all my life but I did not know it or acknowledge it. I had always hoped to marry but... I wondered for years what was wrong with me. I never told anyone besides Avenites that I am an A. I guess I am wondering how many of you have come forward and are honest. I just feel I can not tell anyone about this. Finding this site has been interesting. I will just continue being taciturn on this subject. thanks for listening

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I suspect that a great many are like you pinkfizzie.

Like every other "difference" that does not display itself obviously there is a great temptation to feel you are "the only one" if indeed you recognise any specific difference in yourself at all. It is a bit hard to tell a potential partner.."Hey look..I'm asexual" if firstly you yourself have never come across the term and secondly you are pretty sure they haven't either!.

The internet has been a huge boon to those of us "born different" in whatever way. At least we now know we are "not alone". We know there are those out there who WILL understand our quirks (no matter what they may be) as we are none of us unique.

Someone pointed me to this site..via aniother quirk of mine..or I would never have known that asexuality was recognised (if only by those of us who ARE asexual). That in itself has given me courage to be more open with others.

roddy

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I figured out who i was before I found AVEN, but always figurred that there were more out there somewhere. Due to the fact that I was in my late 50's or early 60's, I always have been rather open about being asexual. I really don't care what folks think, never have. My GOOD friends have accepted me without any negative feedback at all.

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pinkfizzie

I feel better knowing I am not alone Really I do not think I will ever be open about my asexuality. :) :)

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I'm not adverse to expressing my asexuality, I just believe it will be confusing for my friends who have watched me go from;

straight > bi > gay > bi > gay. I think adding asexual to the list may confuse them or lead them to believe I am either lying or seeking attention in some form?

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jay williams

A person should only have to be open about asexuality with his/hir ("hir") lover or mate. THEN, openness should be the rule! Unluckily, many people have had to conceal or lie about their asexuality even to their spouse! Let us hope that does not have to occur in the future!

Other than that, your asexuality ain't nobody's business, but whoever you choose to know about it.

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I feel better knowing I am not alone Really I do not think I will ever be open about my asexuality. :) :)

There is no good reason why you SHOULD be "open" about it. People don't introduce themselves by declaring "Hey..I'm heterosexual by the way" any more than they (now) preface every comment by saying "Og course I am gay". If there was one lesson to be learned from the long battles Gays had for "recognition" it is that no-one frankly cares either way except in very close personal circumstances

roddy

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That's what I say. There's no reason anyone else needs to know if you don't want to tell them.

I see a lot of women getting mad because an X-ray tech or gyno asked if she's pregnant, she says 'no, I'm asexual' and the tech says 'maybe but might you be pregnant?' Why do they need to tell the tech/doctor at all? Asking if a patient might be pregnant is a routine question and if one is certain she's not pregnant, then it's a simple one-word answer. The doctor or tech really doesn't care about the LAST time you got it or if you got it at all - s/he has work to do. The only reason even my doctor knows is because I gave him some AVEN pamphlets in case any of his other patients have a concern about it.

I guess my friends have never asked about my orientation because I've never found myself having to lie about or hide it. I think they've all drawn their own conclusions anyway.

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pinkfizzie

Thanks for the insight. And you are all on the mark. I Realize that I do not need to share this info unless it is in a personal need to know relationship. Such wisdom.

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Calla_Lily

hi pink,

i agree with the other posters, there is no need to advertise your sexual preference or lack thereof. i'd only bring it up in the context of a romantic relationship...a would be partner needs to know i am asexual, other than that, it is no one's business. i figure a discussion about asexuality would lead to people trying to convince me that i just haven't found the "right" person yet, or them trying to convert me...which would aggravate me and be a huge waste of their time.

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Oh, I'll agree that I haven't met the 'right' person...I just have quite a specific group. There aren't any other asexual women my age with my interests living in my area :lol:

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i agree with the other posters, there is no need to advertise your sexual preference or lack thereof. i'd only bring it up in the context of a romantic relationship...a would be partner needs to know i am asexual, other than that, it is no one's business. i figure a discussion about asexuality would lead to people trying to convince me that i just haven't found the "right" person yet, or them trying to convert me...which would aggravate me and be a huge waste of their time.

I agree with this too. It appears that the desire to 'come out' or be open about one's sexuality (or lack thereof) is more common among younger people than older. Perhaps it's the way we were raised, or the fact that the media now shoves sexuality in our faces all the time. Being open about sexuality is now encouraged rather than discouraged.

As I get (even) older, I find that my asexuality becomes less and less important. No one is gonna try to hit on a 57-year-old woman anyway! In most situations - work, casual friendship, general interaction with the world - it's irrelevant and a non-issue. I intend to keep it that way.

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I agree that there shouldn't be any pressure to reveal yourself, but don't entirely agree that younger people are more drawn to "coming out". Our generation ("baby boomers") invented the whole idea at a time when most people around us didn't think they even knew any lesbians or gay men. They didn't have to say "Oh, by the way, I'm heterosexual", they simply talked all the time about relationships and weddings and babies, which felt like the same thing, and to an extent still does. And asexuals don't need telling how that invisibility feels, even though we might be older and wiser (??) about the tactics for dealing with it.

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stereomancer

the "coming out factor" has been on my mind lately as well. I'm 26 male so my family expects certain things of a single 26 year old male I clearly dont deliver on. My brother is wondering why I never get laid, try to get laid, talk abotu getting laid or remotely care about sex. My aunt and grandmother are always asking if I have a girlfreind yet, and my father fearfully suspects I am gay. I feel like I do need to give them some sort of explanation.

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the "coming out factor" has been on my mind lately as well. I'm 26 male so my family expects certain things of a single 26 year old male I clearly dont deliver on. My brother is wondering why I never get laid, try to get laid, talk abotu getting laid or remotely care about sex. My aunt and grandmother are always asking if I have a girlfreind yet, and my father fearfully suspects I am gay. I feel like I do need to give them some sort of explanation.

The simple answer (not easy I know0 is that you live your own life, bnot that of your parents, aunts, grandparents or brothers. If they can't accept that that is their loss not yours

I used to get the occasional "off" comment about lack of g/f's etc..sort of knocked them off their perches when I announce I was getting married..

Life is what you make it for yourself..not what others expect of you. If my parents and family were worriedI was gay it would blow their minds entirely if they knew just what I get up to with friends now (and no..it doesn't include sex and is not illegal, immoral or fattening).

roddy

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stereomancer
the "coming out factor" has been on my mind lately as well. I'm 26 male so my family expects certain things of a single 26 year old male I clearly dont deliver on. My brother is wondering why I never get laid, try to get laid, talk abotu getting laid or remotely care about sex. My aunt and grandmother are always asking if I have a girlfreind yet, and my father fearfully suspects I am gay. I feel like I do need to give them some sort of explanation.

The simple answer (not easy I know0 is that you live your own life, bnot that of your parents, aunts, grandparents or brothers. If they can't accept that that is their loss not yours

I used to get the occasional "off" comment about lack of g/f's etc..sort of knocked them off their perches when I announce I was getting married..

Life is what you make it for yourself..not what others expect of you. If my parents and family were worriedI was gay it would blow their minds entirely if they knew just what I get up to with friends now (and no..it doesn't include sex and is not illegal, immoral or fattening).

roddy

Well I can garuntee you one thing, if theres anything Ive ever been consitent about; its been marching to the beat of my own drum, and shocking everyone in my life with my un-conventional ideas about everything! :twisted:

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  • 3 weeks later...
Born_Confused

It's not as easy as telling only close friends or a partner. People wonder, people ask, people try and set you up with others etc... everyday pressures. It can also feel like you're hiding something.

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  • 1 month later...

I'm beginning to wonder which is worse? Being gay or asexual?

If I were 26 and had the expectations of parents and grandparents wondering when their grandbabies will arrive and suspecting I was gay, would it alleviate their fears finding that I was actually asexual?

Seems to me that if I were a parent, finding out that my son/daughter was asexual would be a relief. I would not have to worry about pregnancy out of wedlock or watch as my son gets hit with accusations about child support without being married. I might also be relieved that my child probably wouldn't wind up with AIDS.

I do not have the mentality that some parents do about 'what the neighbors will think' if my kid was gay.

Either way mom and dad aren't getting any grandchildren out of me (maybe) (I'm asexual and did have kids).

I fail to see why it would be important to them either way, but then I'm not them.

Other than grandbabies and the neighbors, what do you younger people think your parents would really think about an admission on your part?

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Basically I'm with the majority who have posted thus far, that it's really no ones business, with the exception of a life partner. I believe that they should be told.

As for grandparents, I was the first grandchild so I got the matchups during the teen years and early 20's. But luckily there were alot of grandkids that followed me. So as they matched up and produced greatgrandkids the pressure came off me.

As for my parents. Hey 8 kids. So when my younger siblings started having kids then that eleviated any pressure off me to carry on the family name. Which is a good thing we do have a large family, because I am asexual and the youngest is gay. If we had been the only 2 children then nope, no grandkids. lol.

I only came to know myself as asexual lately. Up until then I thought I was alone in the universe so there wasn't any telling anyone that I was asexual because I didnt know it myself. But now that I have a label, I still don't see any reason to announce it to my family, friends or the whole world. My knowing makes it easier for me, but I am not convinced it would make it any easier for anyone else to know about me or even if they would understand.

So I still believe don't ask, don't tell. lol.

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I feel that sharing that knowledge (my asexuality) would be a personal gesture of a very intimate nature. Somehow that knowledge is the only thing I have to offer when it comes to the issue (sex) that means so much to the majority of people. So I feel that my secret is my treasure.

Generally I get along pretty well, but I sometimes do miss a significant other with whom I could share. *sigh*

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I agree with all the above, I think we,ve all been there and still are and its good to share feelings amongst us Asexuals. Some of this has bought back memories. Theres another option on this site that I never had before coming here, and that is we can all meet up eventually with other Asexuals. We are from all over the world and I might not be able to meet up with everyone but Im from the UK and want to meet up eventually. I can relate to people who constantly say have you got a boyfriend. I have an auntie who says it constantly and now if I have to see her I go straight up to her before she has the chance to ask and I say no I av,nt got a boyfriend just to get it out of the way. Im sure I would of gone to a lot more social gatherings if people did,nt constantly asked me this like it was a disease. Im older and wiser but still have fears from family and friends but one thing is sure I will not fear other Asexuals just embrace them for what they are and for what there going through.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Aeriel, you say that no-one is going to "hit on" a 57 year old woman anyway. Can't agree!! I have afriend of 64 who is sexual and very pretty and single (again) and who gets all manner of comments, looks and great admirations and declarations of love (from men she barely knows!!).

I myself at 49 also get a lot of comments and doubt this will stop as I go into my fifties - in fact I get a lot more male comments now than when I was younger and shyer! Seems to me that if you are just friendly towards men, they assume it is a sexual come-on. Well, I am not going to stop being my friendly old self!!

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Nalle Neversure
I never told anyone besides Avenites that I am an A.

I've told only one person. :?

Somehow it's easier to be open and talk about myself here... :)

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  • 1 month later...
mouth brooder

I want to talk about boundaries.

Having reached middle middle age, I have learned that I don't ever owe anyone any explanations about anything. I agree with vikingo that sharing my asexual inclination would be a very intimate, private, personal kind of sharing, and being expected to talk about it with anyone I am not comfortable discussing this personal issue with would be a violation of my personal boundaries.

I have learned to redirect questions and expressions of concern with responses like, "I am not interested in discussing this matter. Let's talk about..." and then I introduce some topic that reinforces the common ground I do have with that person.

If a friend seems to be pressing for adding a physical dimension to our friendship, all I need to say is, "Please tell me exactly what you expect from me because if there is anything we have not talked about yet, I want it out in the open." This open ended and direct question will either be all that is necessary, or the person will tell me a physical relationship is desired. At that point all I need say is that I am not interested in getting physical. I certainly do not have to explain why, but would do so only if I needed to confide. I believe that in our fight against certain kinds of oppression, that our culture has lost some respect for privacy, and I have had to relearn this respect through relationships that were dysfunctional from a lack of privacy.

I have decided that I do not need to label myself in order to find legitimacy in my choice of lifestyle.

But, I also completely respect anyone who finds that presenting a label paves the way for a better life. I have seen that for some people, the label works. For other people, privacy may be a more important issue.

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Diogena Wrote:

But, I also completely respect anyone who finds that presenting a label paves the way for a better life. I have seen that for some people, the label works. For other people, privacy may be a more important issue.

I can understand that point of view.

I find that in myself I am both a private person and yet an open person at the same time. Anyone else like this?

In a real life situation I am very private. I don't like talking about personal matters to people in real life. My sex life, or lack there-of, is my business and only my business. It's not my families business or my friends and certainly not a total strangers business.

Yey, online, I am pretty much an open book. I will talk about almost any aspect of my life, irregardless of how personal it is. I have talked to people online about nudism, sex/non-sex, spiritual possession, and many other topics from personal experiences.

I think the difference in my being private vs. open is in the anonymity.

In real life I trust very few people and even fewer when it comes to personal secrets. Online, trust is basically a non-issue because of anonymity. Since no one online knows me personally, then what I say is from an unknown source and can not be linked back to me, to be used against me at a latter date. So I can be open and honest online, where in real life I have to be guarded.

I am both open and private, depending on which medium I am using to express myself, so the boundries are different.

Do you relate to that or are your boundries the same irregardless of talking in real life or online?

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So far I have told 5 people. 2 by proxy. The most narrowminded among them was able to grasp it. He is my partner, VERY happily married for 30 years now. The way I put it to him was that if he's ever met someone he thought was simply a joy to speak to, loved her presence, but it did not engender the desire to jump in bed with her. He was instantly able to grasp this having known someone like this. This and his strict moral sense of Christianity and his devout stance on marriage made him understand because he does not even consider straying.

He told his wife and his mother. I'm sure this (if she even buys it) makes me even less of a threat than I had been (and she was never threatened) where it comes to my spending so many hours a day with her husband. His mother thought it was a great idea.

I told my sister. She is asexual too it turns out.

I told 3 very old friends. They always thought I was. (I'm wondering why they never told ME!)

I am about to go to another friend's house and am debating telling him. I'm not sure why, maybe just to see his reaction?

You know? I think it really doesn't matter a whit to people who know me. I think maybe it simply answers why it is that I have not found a boyfriend in 5 years(10 years to long term friends). I know they already accept that I am just ok without a man around. I think that perhaps it just makes it click to them that we could not figure out that there are so many crazy people in this town and they always seem to find someone, but me, not being weird, cannot. (I am not casting aspersions here. There is a 'school' in this town that is seen as a 'cult' by some. When you talk to others about some of the individuals who attend this, you keep hearing the word 'crazy'.)

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mouth brooder
I am both open and private, depending on which medium I am using to express myself, so the boundries are different.

Do you relate to that or are your boundries the same irregardless of talking in real life or online?

Important question!!

Relaxing my boundaries usually depends on anonymity.

I do need very much to confide in someone sometimes about all matters of life, and often the only safe place for me to do this is anonymously online.

I do need to seek validation at times, and this requires that I reveal certain secrets. The internet provides me with an outlet so much better than risking the boundaries that protect me IRL.

It is so difficult sometimes to be private when one needs validation, acknowledgment, fellowship...thankfully we have AVEN.

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