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If you could go back in time...


Xenobot

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If you could go back in time and have a conversation with your young teenaged self about their sexuality, what would you say to them?

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I wouldn't say anything to myself back then.  Back then I didn't really care about relationships and my friends didn't much either, so it wasn't a big deal that I wasn't attracted to anyone.  It wasn't until the very end of high school, like the last few months of senior year, I even thought I might not be "like everyone else" (i.e. straight). 

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FerlynnGoldbeard

I would tell my 12/13 year old self something like, "hey, you know that think that you're not feeling that everyone else apparently is? It's called asexuality. You don't need to think you're completely alone for five more years before you discover that there's real name for it. It's okay."

 

I knew that I was asexual when I was 12/13 years old, but I didn't know that it was a real thing with a real name until I was 17, almost 18. I used to call it something different, but no one every really understood it. They thought that I was young and naive, and I thought that I was completely alone. I'm thankful that I have this community now, and while I haven't met any other aces in real life, I do have an lgbt group of friends to rely on.

 

And on a side note, I'd also tell myself to go see a doctor about being intersex before I turned 17. I didn't know that I was intersex until I was 17, and my general doctor wasn't worried that I had never gotten my period (he said he wouldn't worry until I was 18 and I foolishly believed him.) Take care of your health, kids! It's important. 

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blunose2772

I'd go back to my self during the 4 months between Graduation and shipping out for Navy boot camp and say "Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for not wanting to have sex with anyone. It's your life, not theirs. There is not a thing wrong with you."

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"There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer and there's nothing wrong with being gay, and when you're with someone of the gender you're actually into, sex won't seem like this horrifying gross thing. And also, don't get married to a dude."

 

(Non-asexual here.)

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"Stop beating yourself up for things you can't change, and don't let anyone shame you for not doing – or not wanting to do – something that makes you uncomfortable. Even though everyone you know enjoys kissing/making out with people they barely know, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with not being attracted to a stranger, not matter how attractive people say he is. Even though you don't know anyone else who feels that way, forcing yourself to exchange bodily fluids with strangers won't make things different. It will only make you feel even more inadequate, so don't give in to peer pressure. Take your time and do – or don't do – things on your own terms, only when you feel ready. Besides, it's also ok if you don't want to explain/justify your decision to others, because your private life is none of their business (just like gay people don't need to explain why they're attracted to men)."

 

At least the extreme inadequacy I felt when I was a teenager led me to google what was wrong with me and I ended up on Aven. Despite not identifying as asexual anymore, finding this forum was one of the best things that ever happened to me. :)

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I would probably teach myself about asexuality and about how you don't need to have sex to be in a relationship. About how you don't need a relationship to be happy with your life. I would also talk about not listening to all the bullshit the media and society pushes onto people.

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SilentRose

I wish I could tell my younger self that guys don't truly care how experienced or good in bed you are at first if they really like you, they're happy to explore with you and let you explore and figure things out. My greatest fear was being this 30 year old virgin with no sexual experience and then no men would want to sleep with me because I wasn't any good at sex. And so I thrust myself at the first man available when I was in college, and i didn't even really like him and we hardly knew each other and it was awful. The first okay sexual experience I had was with a guy who had slept with tons of women, and he didn't care that I wasn't all that experienced at all. He didn't see me as a prude for wanting to wait and said we'd take things slow. At the end of the day I learned that men are not just in it for the technical skills or your sexual abilities- it's because it's you, and mutual attraction and satisfaction and feeling comfortable to explore with each other is so much more important than how technically good you are at certain sexual acts. 

 

Also, that not everyone has sex in high school like the movies want you to believe, and I was shocked to find out that almost all my friends waited until college or after. That there's no shame in being a high school virgin. And that if I didn't desire sex, I should never force myself to have it for the sake of gaining experience or being able to tell my friends. To anyone reading this...never let another person or even society pressure you. Be a virgin for as long as you want and be proud of it. :)

 

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I love all the thoughtful responses, and I guess I ought to add my own.

 

I’d tell myself:

 

1. You are never obligated to be sexual/physically intimate with anyone. You do not have to pretend to like things to avoid hurting their feelings. They’ll get over it.

 

2. It’s totally okay that you have sexual thoughts but no desire to act on them, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

 

3. Language is imperfect and labels are approximations. Don’t stress about not fitting any label as well as you think you should.

 

4. The bullies are going to torment you and gossip about you regardless of whether or not you try to stay in the closet or not, so be  unapologetically proud. You’ll get through this.

 

And then of course, I’d give my teen self an education on LGBTQIA stuff, because man, that was sorely lacking from my life back then.

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"There's nothing wrong with the way you are and anyone who says otherwise is full of shit."

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I wouldn't tell myself anything other than that I am really fortunate and I will find out why in the future. I never thought there was anything wrong with me, it made sense that I wasn't interested in anyone like that because I am a misanthrope. Haha.

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I'd tell myself that there were such things as asexual people and that I was one of them (I didn't realise until much later). Also, that there are many such people in the world, so it's no big deal.

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If I could ho back in time 1980 - 1999, I would have  pick better people to established friendship.

 

2. I would have taken more picture and bonded more with deceased family members. 

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andreas1033

Nothing, because i was right when i was young.

 

Nothing proved me wrong, and thankfully at 23 back in 1998, it was over.

 

When your asexual and male, you essentially turn into a eunuch. Once a male gets there, virtually no chance of turning back, or giving it a go with anyone, as you will be interested.

 

Back in 1998, when i was 23, i was happy that nothing or no one had changed my ideas, or how i thought i had a lack, of what ever drives most others.

 

Once you become a eunuck essentially as a male, its over, for leaving any idea of sexual stuff open, ie leaving it open to a chance that will chance your life.

 

I have no idea, what its like as a asexual female, but i am glad i was asexual male, and made it to a point, where its over back in 1998.

 

There is a small chance being asexual, when your young, someone will energise you, and you share there energies, ie them not coming from you, but you are sharing anothers energies.

 

So to answer op, nothing, i knew i was always going to stay a virgin, but one can never be sure, when young, whom you will meet. Thankfully those years passed me by, and there is no turning back the clock, as your body does not work like that, as an asexual.

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I would get her a dog and tell her you don't have to have sex to be appreciated.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Only two things:

 

1) See all those people who think you're odd? They're the ones with all the life problems you'll not have.

 

2) Don't marry a man just because you think time is running out....you can still have your lovely daughter without him being involved.

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  • 2 months later...

i would tell my self at 12 to 25 year old self

1.you did nothing wrong the teacher was wrong to bully you don't feel guilty

2.be your self you will make new friends in this new school your a good kid

3.don,t hide behind lies you have a girlfriend  in another school  that doesn't describe your manliness or who you are or make freinds

4.talk to your dad more he won't be around for ever' he has great stories to tell you.

5.and in your late  20s spend more time with the kids and the woman you married instead of working late.

6.and tell her who you are  on the inside and that i love her just the same and my lack of  a heavy libido doesn't mean i don't love you or cheating on you.(your marriage has good day and bad days)you will have more good days.

7.when your wife passes away  it wasn't your fault  and your kids need you more than ever.

8. mourn the loss of her ,keep a piece of her in your head and your heart and move forward your kids are watching and need you to live.

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I'm not sure I could say anything that would not drastically alter time and result in my never meeting my current partner.

 

But assuming I could, I would say, around freshman year in highschool, "girl, you need to drop these 'friends' like they're 100 lb weights and you're trying to swim a marathon. Absolutely nothing good comes from them, and they are a huge reason why you doubt yourself for the next decade."

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ArchangelAlbatross

You don't have to drink alcohol just to try to feel better about sex.

You don't have to have sex just because boneheads want to, or peers expect it.

You don't have to explain yourself to everyone. 

 

 

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No matter the current crap, every year will be better than the last, I promise you.

 

PS don't date a colleague. And if you do and inevitably break it off, here is an explanation about asexuality and aromanticism. Your being aromantic is the reason break-ups are always awful because you can't understand their intense attachment to you.

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cavalier080854

Stick with your true friends (one in particular). Be comfortable with yourself.

As for the Asexuality, IRL it took me all of 2 pints in a pub aged 16 to sort myself out after seeing a therapist and being told I was Ace. So no worries on that front.

I don't identify as Ace, I am Ace.

Total lack of drama due to being Ace.

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