ryn2

is grey-asexuality sexual or asexual?

Recommended Posts

ryn2

I keep seeing conflicting statements.  What do you think?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Homer

Either you don't experience sexual attraction, which means that you're asexual. Or you do, regardless of the conditions that have to be met or whether the frequency is low; which means that you're not asexual.

 

If you're grey, you're not asexual.

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

It isnt really either of them, that's kind of the point.  The A simply means that you feel like you can relate better to the asexual side of the fence, but it still isn't the same thing as outright asexuality.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
argar

I feel no sexual attraction most of the time.

 

I do have bouts of libido, seasonally it seems, but it is never induced by anyone.

 

Now during those bouts I might find some people more romantically attractive than usual.

 

In some cases maybe even sexually attractive, so that would mean I am sexual even though most of the time I feel asexual?

 

This is why I don't agree with the above statement.

 

I prefer the term grey asexual.

 

Heck, in some cases I am afraid that I am fully 100% asexual.

 

I dislike the idea that I am one thing for the rest of my life, which I might be, but I still dislike that idea.

 

Even personally I don't want to limit myself.

 

This is my opinion on the subject.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Homer
6 minutes ago, argar said:

In some cases maybe even sexually attractive, so that would mean I am sexual even though most of the time I feel asexual?

Maybe you're grey then, but that's still not asexual.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle

While I personally agree with @Homer, I will point out that this debate most likely stems from asexual being used in two ways: as the term for an orientation and as an umbrella term for a multitude of things. Whether or not you agree with the two uses of the word doesn't change the fact that it has evolved this way for whatever reason (most likely because the experiences of asexual and asexual-ish people can be quite similar). Some people view asexuality itself as being a spectrum within which the gray area is included, others view there being a sexuality spectrum where asexuality is one of the end points.

 

Needless to say, I have seen some instances of ace/gray relationships starting and within it grows the same issues you'd see in an ace/allo relationship because... that's essentially what it is. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
4 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Some people view asexuality itself as being a spectrum within which the gray area is included, others view there being a sexuality spectrum where asexuality is one of the end points.

This seems to be the place where there’s a difference of opinion... whether asexuality is one endpoint on the sexuality spectrum (where grey-asexuality would be adjacent to but not part of asexuality) or encompasses a section of that end of the spectrum (meaning asexuality is a spectrum unto itself... a sub-spectrum of the full sexuality spectrum, if you will).

 

It’s just confusing because I’m back to saying what I said before I joined here...  I’m “kind of asexual.”  This is why I tend not to like labels; I invariably don’t quite fit them and then I find others’ assumptions frustrating and annoying.  It always seems like someone is trying to tell me how I feel based upon a label, rather than accepting my messy, non-label-fitting feelings for what  they are.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just Somebody

Graysexuals feel sexual attraction (aka the desire to have a sexual relationship with a person in particular)  , while aces doesn't know what it feels like and while (com)sexuals do so.

 

 

But the gray spectrum of sexualities is very big,  even though the majority of gray people know what attraction feels like, there's people like quoisexuals in the spectrum who doesn't know whether or not they feel it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It’s just confusing because I’m back to saying what I said before I joined here...  I’m “kind of asexual.”  This is why I tend not to like labels; I invariably don’t quite fit them and then I find others’ assumptions frustrating and annoying.  It always seems like someone is trying to tell me how I feel based upon a label, rather than accepting my messy, non-label-fitting feelings for what  they are.

I think these terms are really only useful in a handful of spaces. In my experience, even if you say you're asexual I've gotten responses like "well that doesn't mean you can't have sex so why won't you have sex?"

 

While a bit more longwinded then throwing out a label, if it comes up I just say I'm not interested in dating, I'm not interested in sex, I'm not interested in people that way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
2 minutes ago, Just Somebody said:

Graysexuals feel sexual attraction (aka the desire to have a sexual relationship with a person in particular)  , while aces doesn't know what it feels like and while (com)sexuals do so.

I actually find the term “greysexual” potentially less confusing but it seems to be used interchangeably with/as shorthand for “grey-asexual.”

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
3 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

I think these terms are really only useful in a handful of spaces. In my experience, even if you say you're asexual I've gotten responses like "well that doesn't mean you can't have sex so why won't you have sex?"

 

While a bit more longwinded then throwing out a label, if it comes up I just say I'm not interested in dating, I'm not interested in sex, I'm not interested in people that way.

That’s been my experience as well but I’m in relationship therapy with someone who is label-focused and precise so I need to be as accurate as possible.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
iam135

While I'm not gray-ace, I'm going to try my hand at this - people can feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here.

 

To answer the question proposed in the title, I'd say that the gray-asexuality is technically neither, but has aspects of both. It's kind of like trying to classify a frosty as either a milkshake or ice cream. It's neither technically - if you asked for a frosty and got a milkshake or a scoop of ice cream something would be off - but it shares certain things with both. (And now I really want ice cream 😅.)

 

Label-wise, I think that saying "kind of asexual" is pretty similar to just saying "gray-asexual" (though in the day-to-day the former might be easier). And, from what I understand, gray-sexual vs. gray-asexual is just a matter of preference, with the latter being more common. If you need to be really specific, you can specify "light gray-asexual" or "dark gray-asexual" and even toss a "very" on there for additional emphasis.

 

Hopefully that helps!

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

You made me hungry, @iam135. Ice cream is one of my favorite foods.

 

I also sometimes say “functionally asexual,” or “I’m not really quite asexual but in practice I might as well be.”

 

I’m tired of always being a tweener!

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
iam135
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I also sometimes say “functionally asexual,” or “I’m not really quite asexual but in practice I might as well be.”

 

I’m tired of always being a tweener!

I mean, I don't see anything wrong with that personally. It's essentially the same thing as saying "kind of asexual" in that you're just using an example of gray-asexuality in place of the actual term, which will probably save time if you're talking to someone who isn't familiar with gray-asexuality. Frustration is understandable, of course, but I think it's a good compromise in the majority of social situations.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dani-Chan

I was under the impression that grey-asexuality was somewhere between sexual and asexual...? 🤔

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
InariYana

As a grey myself, I'd say "sexual" (I have experienced sexual attraction) but there needs to be more said after that, because I'm miles away from an average sexual person and much closer to being asexual. I could happily live without sex, I don't actively seek out partnered sex (I don't see the point, at all) and my ideal romantic relationship would be sexless, so that's totally unlike what an average sexual person wants. I could say I'm "almost asexual" and that would probably make more sense than me saying "I'm sexual".   

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Snao Cone

Technically sexual, but close enough to asexual to generally fit in better with the asexual community. Part of the ace family (if they want to be). "Almost asexual" or "pretty much asexual" or "let's just say I'm ace" are accurate in a technical sense while also identifying with the community.

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
argar

Hmm,

 

I wish I was a bit more cordial like a lot of you, but honestly, no one can tell me whether or not I am asexual.

 

I respect peoples opinions, but I don't share them.

 

I decide who I am.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Duke Memphis

It's in the middle.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
4 hours ago, argar said:

Hmm,

 

I wish I was a bit more cordial like a lot of you, but honestly, no one can tell me whether or not I am asexual.

 

I respect peoples opinions, but I don't share them.

 

I decide who I am.

You can say you're a frilly pink unicorn if that's what you want, but it won't necessarily mean people will take you seriously if the facts don't seem to line up with what you're saying.

 

9 hours ago, argar said:

I dislike the idea that I am one thing for the rest of my life, which I might be, but I still dislike that idea.

And I dislike the fact that I am not and likely never will be a millionaire, but it still doesn't change the reality.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
argar

Like I said, I respect your opinion.

 

You don't know me or my reality.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

Nope, but just as you have the freedom to call yourself whatever you want, I also have the freedom to call bullshit on people who make unsubstantiated claims.

 

You can't have it both ways.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
argar

Cool,

 

I am happy that you enjoy your freedom to call people on their bullshit.

 

Onward and upward.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Marlow1

I have aphantasia (I am blind in my minds eye). I do not experience sexual attraction to strangers. I have to know a person really well and have a lot in common with them to experience sexual attraction. 

 

Once I have that connection it will remain so long as things are OK between us but if things go wrong the stress will make me loose that attraction and I may struggle to get it back. I have to take a step back and think about all the qualities of the said partner to help it return

 

If, in the future, she and I separate, it is highly unlikely that I will become sexually attracted to another person. It took me two years to become sexually attracted to my current partner and there were very specific conditions that caused this to happen

 

At this current time whilst I am in this relationship I still do not get attracted to other people. It is very very rare for me to get jealous. Because I do not get attractEd to other people I just cannot imagine my partner being interested in anybody else. I do not fantasize about other people, and even fantasizing about my partner is limited, best I can say is if she is here with me I do think of her sexually and romantically, and I can remember feeling this way when she is not here but long story short I need her here really to feel attracted

 

I could go on and on about this but my main point is that I am not a true asexual because under certain cercumstances I can feel attracted but because I am blind in my minds eye I am never going to be able to experience many of the experiences that a lot of allosexuals discribe. This does not bother me one jot. And if in the future I do end up on my own and I am no longer attracted to anybody I will be just as happy as I am now, except I will miss my partner, but I will be just fine not experiencing attraction. It will not bother me just like it does not bother me that I don't get attracted to anybody else other than my partner.

 

In regards to labelling myself I consider myself Demisexual. Before this relationship I would have said Asexual because I did not experience sexual attraction at all and was not interested at all. I don't think I will ever see myself as allosexual. My partner is allosexual and you can tell by our many conversations on this subject that we see the world very differently. So in short I would say Grey Sexual/Demisexual is neither Asexual or Sexual. It could be described as somewhere in the middle or something on it's own, neither or, I guess??

 

But regardless it is still good to read the posts here at AVEN, it has given my partner and I a language by which we can communicate. It was very difficult for both of us in the past. She had no idea that there was such a thing as a Demisexual person, and I had no idea that allosexual folk can go through so many things whilst in a relationship. I just thought most folk in a relationship where more or less the same as me. How wrong can a person be?

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Spaceunicorn

i'm still confused on if i'm grey-asexual or asexual because for about 10 years now I haven't enjoyed sex but at first I thought it was that I was just starting to not have feelings for him anymore so we ended up breaking up and then a year later I got into a real long relationship that turned out bad and I think what made me stop even wanting to be in a relationship including not liking sex anymore. and then after that relationship ended is when I've stopped wanting to try to date anyone and everytime a guy tries to hit on me they end up asking me to go home with them and things like that. since I've been asked things like that to me I don't like it. but what confuses me about maybe being grey-asexual is because I have these small feelings for my friend that is a androgynous/genderfluid but they aren't sexual feelings and they are still a virgin. but I haven't told them yet

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Snao Cone
8 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

I have aphantasia (I am blind in my minds eye). I do not experience sexual attraction to strangers. I have to know a person really well and have a lot in common with them to experience sexual attraction. 

 

Once I have that connection it will remain so long as things are OK between us but if things go wrong the stress will make me loose that attraction and I may struggle to get it back. I have to take a step back and think about all the qualities of the said partner to help it return

 

If, in the future, she and I separate, it is highly unlikely that I will become sexually attracted to another person. It took me two years to become sexually attracted to my current partner and there were very specific conditions that caused this to happen

 

At this current time whilst I am in this relationship I still do not get attracted to other people. It is very very rare for me to get jealous. Because I do not get attractEd to other people I just cannot imagine my partner being interested in anybody else. I do not fantasize about other people, and even fantasizing about my partner is limited, best I can say is if she is here with me I do think of her sexually and romantically, and I can remember feeling this way when she is not here but long story short I need her here really to feel attracted

 

I could go on and on about this but my main point is that I am not a true asexual because under certain cercumstances I can feel attracted but because I am blind in my minds eye I am never going to be able to experience many of the experiences that a lot of allosexuals discribe. This does not bother me one jot. And if in the future I do end up on my own and I am no longer attracted to anybody I will be just as happy as I am now, except I will miss my partner, but I will be just fine not experiencing attraction. It will not bother me just like it does not bother me that I don't get attracted to anybody else other than my partner.

 

In regards to labelling myself I consider myself Demisexual. Before this relationship I would have said Asexual because I did not experience sexual attraction at all and was not interested at all. I don't think I will ever see myself as allosexual. My partner is allosexual and you can tell by our many conversations on this subject that we see the world very differently. So in short I would say Grey Sexual/Demisexual is neither Asexual or Sexual. It could be described as somewhere in the middle or something on it's own, neither or, I guess??

 

But regardless it is still good to read the posts here at AVEN, it has given my partner and I a language by which we can communicate. It was very difficult for both of us in the past. She had no idea that there was such a thing as a Demisexual person, and I had no idea that allosexual folk can go through so many things whilst in a relationship. I just thought most folk in a relationship where more or less the same as me. How wrong can a person be?

 

This seems like a pretty definitive example of demisexuality and why it's often more in tune with asexual perspectives than the majority of sexual people. Thanks for sharing this. I think it would be of use in any discussion about demisexuality, including its proximity to asexuality and why it fits in with a lot of the experiences and discussions in the community.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Marlow1
3 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

This seems like a pretty definitive example of demisexuality and why it's often more in tune with asexual perspectives than the majority of sexual people. Thanks for sharing this. I think it would be of use in any discussion about demisexuality, including its proximity to asexuality and why it fits in with a lot of the experiences and discussions in the community.

Here is a poll you might be interested in

 

 

There are two threads in the Identities Section that are up and running right now where we are discussing Grey Sexuality, and at least in parts, also discussing how Aphantasia could be in some cases influencing this

 

 

And

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FictoVore.

If you desire sexual intimacy with other people (regardless of how rarely that happens for you) you're sexual (demisexual, cupiosexual etc are all variations of regular sexuality, though some may have more in common with aces which is why they spend so much time on AVEN!! haha)

 

If you have no interest in having sexual intimacy with other people, ever, that's asexual.

 

Grey is more a foggy area where you're too sexual to be ace. But too ace to be sexual. I'd possibly technically be grey (even though I'm definitely not asexual) because while I do desire sexual intimacy with specific other people, I have no interest in actually physically having sex with them. I love sexual intimacy (sometimes) with an online partner if I have one, but can't really picture myself enjoying that actually physically in person. I also enjoy imagining sexual intimacy with fictional characters, but it's never *me* having sex with them and I'd have no interest in actually having sex with them myself. I prefer to imagine I'm someone else who fits into the canon of their world having sex with them and that's the only way I can enjoy it, haha. So I'm not sure I could ever physically have sex with someone else because (for now anyway) that definitely doesn't interest me, but online and in my mind I can be very sexual and have all those same sexual desires that anyone else does. So I'd technically be grey, but I'm still not asexual (I did think I was ace for ages though!)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
34 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

I also enjoy imagining sexual intimacy with fictional characters, but it's never *me* having sex with them and I'd have no interest in actually having sex with them myself.

It seems like the consensus is that this specifically (not in the broader setting of everything else you’ve described) is - similar to masturbation - something that can exist in asexual people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FictoVore.
51 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It seems like the consensus is that this specifically (not in the broader setting of everything else you’ve described) is - similar to masturbation - something that can exist in asexual people.

Masturbation can exist in asexual people, sure, and so can 'masturbating in the third person' which is what you seem to be referring to! But when you're sexually and emotionally and mentally obsessing over one specific person (even if he or she is fictional), when you think about interacting with them on all levels every night as you fall asleep, when you imagine having sexual intimacy with them (except imagining you're someone else, not yourself) every single time you orgasm, and then when you orgasm you imagine yourself (as someone else) and the person you love are orgasming together to experience the pleasure of sexual union, as well as feeling all the hormonal emotions of romantic desire, lust, and deep friendship for that fictional person - that's a lot more than 'masturbation'. It's internal sexual intimacy with another non-present person. I've masturbated, and I've done this 'internal intimacy' thing (both from a very young age), and I've had 'real' sex too but not until I was like 17/18 haha, and internal intimacy is much closer to 'real' sex than it is to masturbation, it's just also better than both!! :P

 

When I masturbate (when I'm not intimately committed to someone, fictional or not) I just picture a scene that I am not emotionally involved in or part of in any way and the scene (which usually has to involve extreme torture and other taboo situations) which plays out 'in front of me', if that makes sense? (edit: just to clarify I don't actually 'see' images, but I feel the impressions of the scene). I think that's the type of 'fantasy' you were referring to with your response, like, third person sexual fantasy for the purpose of orgasm? Whereas what I was describing with certain fictional characters or an online partner is an actual emotional and sexual engagement in the love-making/intimacy, a full investment into that other person's pleasure, a lust for their body and face and thoughts and their very being, and a desire for them to take pleasure with 'my own' body (but experienced vicariously through another person far more suited to the one I love than I myself am). Does any of that make any sense? It's very, very different emotionally from masturbation, and more intimately and physically satisfying than 'real' sex has ever been for me ^_^

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now