Intimatcy Between an Asexual and Sexual

[whitehorse]

Being the sexual differences between an asexual and a sexual without

overstepping the bounaries of an asexual who dislikes touch/hugs/

sex to any degree, how is one intimate with an asexual?

[MaraKarina]

Welcome, whitehorse!

Reading your post I understand you are sad and frustrated. But then this man never promised a sexual relationship nor - from what I understand - gave you any reasons to hope for one. It doesn't matter WHY he doesn't want the relationship to be sexual, I mean whether he's asexual or homosexual or just doesn't want sex with you or whatever other reasons he might have. If he doesn't want the relationship to go into that direction I recommend you respect that. As painful as it is. There's nothing better you can do for him but to respect his wishes.

Why not have a great close friendship with this man? I mean if a sexless relationship with him would be ok for you. And find another man who is interested in having sex with you as boy-friend/partner/future husband.

Being a sexual myself married to a person who shows all symptoms of being asexual (he showed what you may call normal sexual behaviour over a year, and then lost interest in sex gradually till there was nothing left), I can say that even knowing he used to have a sexual interest in me and there is a kind of closeness, it's far from ideal.

Your man getting a hard on does not mean he will ever develop a sexual interest in you (or anybody else). If the man is clear about his not liking to have sex with you, the sooner you give up hopes on that with him the better. You don't want to try initiating sex without results, ever, do you? You also need the feeling of being desired, and for that you don't need someone who may "give in" occasionally!

Several years before I met my husband I had a great male friend with whom I really loved to spend time. But to me he could have been a woman, I had no sexual interest in him - though there were times while with him that I felt like having sex, but just not with him. He would have preferred a sexual relationship but I didn't. We clarified it and the relationship became somewhat more distanced. Some time later this guy met his wife-to-be, I was on their wedding and was really glad he found a woman who loved him the way he needed and deserved it. The friendship continued for several more years until, after moving, them having a few kids etc. it gradually faded.

[whitehorse]

thank you for your response....he consistently makes this statement to me since seeing you I have not seen another women...when I tell him I need to get him out of my heart and find a man I can be sexual with...he has responded saying why would you need to get me out of your heart I am not seeing any other women. but...will say he hopes I find someone.

But when I ask him if there is any compromising he stated I have already compromised by driving 900 miles one way to see you.

when he knows I have sexual interests in him why does he lie down in my bed naked next to me with a hard on.....?

but--yes---he has never said he wanted to have a sexual relationship

with me.....but a friendship....

he is a wonderful man and does everything for me when he drives up here...

[Wolf X Omega]

whitehorse, we male asexuals are merelly interested in girls because we love them(At least most of us), if he was with you, he loved you, but we don't like to be pushed into sexual subjects(I know i don't) by our signficant others or mostly anyone, we feel unconfortable when girls talk about sex with us, you should accept him, simply by staying by his side and showing your love for him is enough i guess.

Sex isn't important in a relationship, sometimes it even ruins it, you as a sexual person, i don't expect you to stop, but you should understand his feelings when he said he didn't want sex.

[thylacine]

Do you know for sure if he is Asexual or not?

I dunno what to tell yah... but he did drive 900 miles, and with the price of gas these days, that would probably indicate he cares. Sorry I can't solve your sex problems.

I guess the world works this way... you might be with this guy and love him & he is nice & etc... but he's no good in bed. Next, you might find a man who is great in bed, but treats you like dirt. This is the way the world is, honey. It's just called life. You will probably have to make a choice between sex & love. A lot of girls settle for a jerk who is good in bed & also who hits them and drinks and cheats and hits their kids. I say, "If he's like that, why do you stay?" "Because he's so awesome!" Yeah, right. Well, this one might not be so awesome, but he won't hit you or drink or cheat.

You can't have everything you want in this world, I guess.

[whitehorse]

thank you all for your responses....but, I don't know how to meet this guys needs... I don't know the cut off point...him making love to me yes...

is a cut off from the far end....but he does not feel comfortable with hugging...no hand holding...only kiss hug...if i am upset and crying or when we depart after visit....i don't know what he is capable of intimately

and not capable of...he does not like to send cards....he tells me he is not romantic...

but he cooks....if needed...does laundry if needed...takes care of the camper..boat....house...repairs...if needed...I never need to ask him ever

to do any of these things....is a gentlemen.....cleans up the kitchen spotless if needed...takes care of his laundry...makes his bed...picks up after himself always...goes for walks....we do family things together...

grills a lot...and makes meals for me when I am on the run...

I want to touch him but don't know to what degree....he enjoys any touch.....I want to love him but not sure how t o love him...

please asexuals.....help me out....I am not about to throw the towel

in yet...I will try and do all I can and see if it is enough for both of us...

he says he will do anything to make this work...I am not sure not that

exactly means from him....I feel I am with an ET or alien male.....but I love

this man and he is the most importnat man in my life...other my son./family...members..

whitehorse

[Wolf X Omega]

If you want to solve things out, you'll have to talk to him.

[inona]

I hate to throw cold water, but I don't see a future here. He doesn't sexually want you, and it sounds important to you. You aren't going to "make" him want you. He isn't going to "make" you stop wanting him. Sounds like a logjam.

There are many, many men out there who *will* both want you and love you.

[Fayetje]

Can you ask him what he would like you to do to express your love to him?

Yeah, perhaps he doesn't want you to have sexual relations with him, but I'm sure there has to be something else you both can agree on. There are tons of ways to express your love for someone: I think you ought to sit down with him and talk about this: try to come up with some things you can do for him that aren't sexual and perhaps not even physical. Little things like maybe you surprising him with a cooked dinner, you know.

As with the confusion dealing with him having a hard on at times but still not seeming sexually interested....some asexuals (maybe most? I don't know) still have sex drives, but in their head, they don't connect it with wanting to have sex with people. I don't really have a sex drive myself...so maybe someone else can explain it better than I can. :)

And I have to say, Wolf is right. To your man, sex does not equal love, so if he says that he loves you, and drives 900 miles to see you, then I'd say he does love you. So even though he doesn't want to have sex doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. Too often sexual people make this mistake of thinking they are not loved if they are not sexually desired, when it's not true in a relationship with an asexual.

I hope things work out. Most successful relationships take some working on in order to make them be successful, and this one won't be any different.

[BunnyK.]

Do you know for sure if he is Asexual or not?

I dunno what to tell yah... but he did drive 900 miles, and with the price of gas these days, that would probably indicate he cares. Sorry I can't solve your sex problems.

I guess the world works this way... you might be with this guy and love him & he is nice & etc... but he's no good in bed. Next, you might find a man who is great in bed, but treats you like dirt. This is the way the world is, honey. It's just called life. You will probably have to make a choice between sex & love. A lot of girls settle for a jerk who is good in bed & also who hits them and drinks and cheats and hits their kids. I say, "If he's like that, why do you stay?" "Because he's so awesome!" Yeah, right. Well, this one might not be so awesome, but he won't hit you or drink or cheat.

You can't have everything you want in this world, I guess.

I just wanted to weigh in that there is no reason in the world you should have to choose between sex and love. There are men in the world who will love you and take great care of you, and yet still make love to you until you are spinny and weak in the knees. I should know, in my fairly short life I've already found two.

As for your question, if you are wondering what you can do to satisfy him and love him the way he wants, the only thing you can do is ask him. Everyone is different, so no one else can say what will make him feel appreciated.

However, like MaraKarina said, I'd really consider whether or not your needs would be met better by having a close friendship with this guy and finding someone else who will meet all your needs. You may love him, but are you going to be constantly wishing he would satisfy you? If you feel like you can live with never having sex, great, but if the thought makes you uneasy, then maybe this guy isn't for you. Not every love story has a happy ending, unfortunately...and sometimes no matter how much you want things to work out, it's best for everyone if they don't.

[MaraKarina]

whitehorse,

Don't think that it is a matter of "what you can do to show your love to him" but much more so that YOU are terribly suffering because you cannot show him your love and that you are looking for ways in which you can meet YOUR need to give him your love.

The man seems to be just great without any hugs as you write, and it appears to me if you just stop all your efforts to show your love to him and simply take him as he is it would be showing him more respect and love than by trying to show your love in doing something he never wanted.

Think about what YOU want and need! Is this - no or barely any physical intimacy - what you want, can you settle with it for years? You'll have to decide yourself if a friendship-type thing is fine for you or not. I believe this man is a great person. Many men are, and there are many sexual men who will not beat you but also treat you very well.

With men (and women) it's not like in a candy-shop where we chose "that red one over there" and buy it and have it. We've got to accept sometimes things don't go our preferred way because people are different from how we'd like them to be. It would be unfair to try and make the relationship work in the meaning of "please change so that our relatinship is more like I want (or need) it". Love for a person is foremost shown in taking a good look at a person and then accepting the person the way s/he is, not trying to make him/her fit. And as painful as it is, not everyone we love would make a good lifetime companion.

I am sure your friend cares very much for you if he drove 900 miles to see you. And, yes, I would sure drive the same distance for one of my friends, or relatives, that's why I call them friends, but I don't see the link between driving 900 miles to see a great friend and spend time with him/her and wanting to have a sexual relationship with that person.

When you get along well with a person, really like him/her, you talk, and either sex is an option or it is not and then, as painful as it is, you must accept the answer. If that includes changing the relationship or would mean to end it, ok, but accept the answer as it is. The major change needed, to my understanding, is that you've got to give up the idea of having sex with this man.

And though I believe it doesn't matter why he doesn't want sex, in case he is asexual, he will not change, he will not need blow jobs, more hugs, nothing, just to be accepted as he is.

[whitehorse]

Yes, I have agreed that I should find a man that enjoys making

love. And I told him I needed to do this. But, this man is in my heart

and I love him . I have gone out on dates with other men and yes they

ALL want to have a sexual relationship. However, I don't love any of

them. They are not in my heart. So, I am unable to make love with

them. It would feel like so much is missing if I did. So I don't even go

there.

I have told this man about these incidents. And I have said to him

that I need to get him out of my heart. I may have to break all contact

off with him to just get him out of my heart. To allow some time to heal

the hurt/pain of a loss of him. Then, thinking, then maybe the

relationship could meet everyones needs including: I could find another

man to love who would want to totally love me for one and second once

this man is out of my heart then I could go back and be what he wants

from me a friendship.

Thus far---this isn't even close to happening. We still are in contact.

He does not want to loose the friendship. He tells me he hopes I find

someone and said this. If you have a man staying at your house then

I couldn come up to see you and stay at your house but then adds but

oh yes I could go over to your camper and stay and then adds but if I

have a new girlfriend in my life I will not be coming back up to see you.

Question: I am never sure that this man just wants a friend friend whichis what he says...

Or does he want me as his girlfriend w/o a sexual relationship or am I

his girlfriend but w/o a sexual relationship...

I am always confused to which status even we are:

I don't want to loose him....but I don 't want to frustrate him or myself...

just recently figuring out possibility of his being asexual but he has always

lead me to believe that he is sexual...it because my friends from his

home town have spoken up to me telling me in total his prior relattionships

broke off because he did not want to make love to the women...but he

told me his ex wife..only married once...did not want to make love to him

and he had to beg her all the time for sex.

and the above which is what has made this relationship so confusing...

and if he would have told me the way it was from the beginning I might

not have gotten so close to him...or allowed myself to..and fallen in love

with him....

it seems that he keeps thiniking that he just hasen't found the right women and when he finds the right women then he will want to make

love to her or it seems too that he may be thinking he has not really loved

a women and until he falls in love with a women...which he said he has really never felt he loved a woman yet.... so he doesnt want to make love to a women...

the above are the things that he has put out to me in this relationship....

but all our friends and family...that we hang out with literally have not

believed me when I tell them that we have not made love/sexual...and the husbands of my girlfriends who we do things together with such as

cook outs etc.. all think I am lying to them when i tell my girlfirends we

have not been sexual...(all the men just don't believe it) (their husbands)

my girlfriends tell them I would not be lying .....

he is just so great...outside of the bedroom......and I just love him so

much...

this is really so so hard...painfully hard..

please you all please all of you keep sending me your responses...I

need to hear from all of you...what you all have to say is so importnat.

I can't get him to talk anymore about the subject....he just doesn t

want to go there... he has told me i need to loose weight....i am a size

12 to 14 ..... and when I go out I have men all the time asking

me to go out and telling me I turn them on....I look for this since my self

image is so low with him....he told his last girlfriend the same thing...and

she got feeling so bad about herself that she ended the relationship with

him. he did not want to end it and called her back to go out for coffee and he said to her don't you miss what we had and she replied to him no

not at all.....she told me this...he told me HE ended the relationship with

her because her kids were not disciplined...when I asked him why the relationship ended....

i said to him at the beginning if i didnt know any different i would think

that he was gay..he said well i wouldnt want that rumor to get started about me around town. that was befroe i realized an asexual person

was about.

[MaraKarina]

I'm a bit short of time at the moment but will answer to your post in more detail some time later. What came to mind, maybe you wish to join a group of sexuals who are in relationships with asexuals. You'll find plenty of information - there are many experiences and feelings that most sexuals in such a situation share - which may be of value to you.

The group is:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sexuals_with_asexuals/

[jaybird721]

Just my 2 cents, but it seems to me that this guy could possibly have some sort of sexual aversion beyond asexuality. His behavior seems very unpredictable, and I can understand why you're confused [if I were you, I sure would be]. Of course, it's also possible that he is asexual, but it seems like any of the other possible explanations haven't been covered, and, hey, why not get them out there?

I would also be careful to not let this guy get you into emotional jams - knowing you are sexual, he shouldn't jerk you around on this issue. :?

[deladangerous]

he has told me i need to loose weight....i am a size

12 to 14 ..... and when I go out I have men all the time asking

me to go out and telling me I turn them on....I look for this since my self

image is so low with him....he told his last girlfriend the same thing...and

she got feeling so bad about herself that she ended the relationship with

him.

What an unkind thing to say, for anyone of any orientation. If he's got you feeling so down about yourself, why do you continue to put up with that kind of treatment?

Don't you deserve somebody who will really love you, and not confuse you and put you down? I really think you do.

[MaraKarina]

whitehorse,

There are a few things in your post that make my alarms go off! I'm still very much in a hurry but don't want to let you wait for an answer till Monday, so I put it down in very short style,

- he says it's because you need to lose weight

WATCH OUT!!

This is a strategy. Gives the man time as you will not bother him with sex for a while and be busy with losing weight. The moment you have managed he will find some other reason - very likely another fault of yours. As you go and meet each of these requirements for him to have sex with you, you'll lose more and more of your self-esteem. AND IT WILL NOT HELP!!!

I'm not blaming the man, I feel it's much rather a psychologial problem he has. But that doesn't mean you should follow it. Don't forget: he doesn't want sex. If he wanted sex and your weight WERE the problem, he would have mentioned that a long time ago, on his own initiative.

Although this is probably not true for many asexuals on this forum, I've heard from partners of quite a few asexuals, if you consider their behaviour and the trap-like behaviour partners fall into (which are started off by things you describe, by the sexual feeling lost in a spiders web of confusion) that it is similar to that of e.g. an alcoholic and the socalled co-dependent partner.

I recommend you find literature on that - internet or library or so, there's plendy - especially on the co-dependent one.

Again, I'm not saying the man does not deserve your love, but he appears to have a major problem in this area, and please, please, please don't let yourself be pushed into the counterpart role.

I understand from your post that you are suffering terribly from this. That is not the right basis for going ahead. You love the man, he drove 900 miles to see you, and I am sure he's desperate not to lose you (because if you're busy losign weight you will preserve hope and stay ....). But he doesn't miss sex. The moment you're busy fixing "your problems" which don't exist, of course, you'll leave him alone with sex. But it's not your problem and never has been. Make that clear, whatever you do with the relationship.

Right now, you are not married, don't share an appartment, nothing. That's much easier to break than for a couple with children etc. etc. I don't know how old you are, but being as miserable as you are right now is sure no perspective. If you manage to reach some kind of happyness with this man, fine, if not, find another way.

If you check on some of my posts, you'll find that at some point in my life I developed physical symptoms which needed an operation - don't wait for something like this to happen, it's not worth it!

As to the other men who would have been available for sex but who you didn't like: just wait, don't go for that. It wouldn't be any better, just the other way around. For most people, at some point in their life there is a great other person. For some there's not. But then, as much as I prefer to be with a great person, you've got a purpose in this world. There's a reason why you live. And that is not to lose weight for someone who uses this as an excuse for not giving you sex.

If he doesn't want sex, at least, get to the point between both of you that you stop any games around it, be open, and once things are clear, start from there.

Hope this message is understandable, but I've got to rush off now.

Have a good week-end!

[inona]

whitehorse, we male asexuals are merelly interested in girls because we love them(At least most of us), if he was with you, he loved you, but we don't like to be pushed into sexual subjects(I know i don't) by our signficant others or mostly anyone, we feel unconfortable when girls talk about sex with us, you should accept him, simply by staying by his side and showing your love for him is enough i guess.

Sex isn't important in a relationship, sometimes it even ruins it, you as a sexual person, i don't expect you to stop, but you should understand his feelings when he said he didn't want sex.

I have to respectfully disagree here. Lots of things can ruin a relationship, including sex. But people who know what they want - who know that a love relationship for them includes sex will probably not be happy with what you propose, "you should accept him simply by staying by his side."

But that's a one-way relationship. Who is "accepting" the sexual person? Because it's not happening, and from the sound of it, not going to happen. Why should the asexual person's preferences be accepted, but not the sexual person's?

whitehorse, just one point. Sometimes people love other people who are not good for them, who make them miserable instead of happy. There's nothing wrong with putting your needs first, and taking care of your own happiness.

[Wolf X Omega]

I have to respectfully disagree here. Lots of things can ruin a relationship, including sex. But people who know what they want - who know that a love relationship for them includes sex will probably not be happy with what you propose, "you should accept him simply by staying by his side."

But that's a one-way relationship. Who is "accepting" the sexual person? Because it's not happening, and from the sound of it, not going to happen. Why should the asexual person's preferences be accepted, but not the sexual person's?

whitehorse, just one point. Sometimes people love other people who are not good for them, who make them miserable instead of happy. There's nothing wrong with putting your needs first, and taking care of your own happiness.

I Never said sex is the only thing that can ruin a relationship, i only said it's not the important thing in the relationship.

And also i don't think, the way i see things going, that her relationship will work

Also even if he isn't accepting the sexual person, he isn't trying to change her, he even agreed to try but it didn't work, she is constantly trying to change his thought agaisnt his concern.

I Think it's very wrong to put your needs first over others, one thing i've learned from my thaoist Studies is that in a relationship the mutual agreement to something IS important, and if you try to force your need into the other part without the other part accepting it, it will just be disrespect and even thought there are many things i don't accept in normal society means, being selfish by forcing needs is one of 'em.

I agree that she should seek her own happiness, but with that guy, that ain't gonna happen, And i mean NEVER if she keeps doing that to him, she can only solve this 3 ways.

1) Talk to the guy and come to an agreement

2) End The Relationship

3) Just wait, this relationship will come to an end someday.

[whitehorse]

Hi There,

You know I agree with everyone that says you need to talk to this

man. I mentioned Asperger's Syndrome earlier and maybe some did

not notice or are not familiar with Aspergers . Well, with Asperger's

Syndrome it is just about equally as difficult to get a male Asperger

to verbalize/his emotions/feelings as it would be to get a male asexual

to express himself sexually to a woman. Aren't you guys getting this???

This is the problem along with the asexuality. He essentially does not

have the ability to fluidly/or anyway to verbalize to others his feelings

and or emotions and vice versa he has a hard time to be able to

interpret with any real validity the expressed/verbalized feelings/emotions

of others. This is what asperger's syndrome is all about --- they appear

normal in everyway -- and could never identify a disability of any

sort until you see them in social situations. And, here is the crux of the

disability. Now I have both asperger's syndrome and asexuality.

I am so close to walking away from this relationship --- but he has

told me that he has given me the best he has to give --- or, otherwords,

I have gotten his best. And, I believe that. I truly believe he has and

I have been able to walk away from him. But, this is so frustrating and

even more so to listen to you guys tell me that I am the problem because

I am not talking to him. That is the same thing as telling a sexual that

she is the problem in an asexual-sexual relationship because she is not

being sexual with her male asexual. How can a sexual female be sexual

with a male asexual no more so than talking about one's feelings emotions

with a male aspergers.

[MaraKarina]

As mentioned in other posts there may be diffent reasons for people either being asexual or living a life and feelings etc which is like that of an asexual.

I find the situation whitehorse describes that the man is not only asexual but does by no means want to talk about it not uncommon. And these asexual partners who almost freak out when you raise the subject to them while they are usually the lovliest people you can imagine don't freak out because they are simply too ignorant to talk to you about it. And they are the people who will never ever check this web site.

As Whitehorse wrote, for them it's possibly even worse to talk about it than to have sex.

I would like to add a request to the asexuals: many sexuals with an asexual partner who come here, have been struggling with a situation for a very long time, in a relationship they consider problematic because their partner doesn't want sex but which the partner considers fine = they lack understanding, sympathy - and as their partners are fine, the sexuals are usually the only ones who have constantly tried to talk, to something, check what they did wrong. These sexuals need some compassion and support. Not suggestions of what more they can do ....

And if the asexual partner wouldn't be a great person, the sexual partner would also most probably not be here - because then it would be so much easier to just separate

[ghosts]

These sexuals need some compassion and support. Not suggestions of what more they can do ....

Yes, I understand that. However, whitehorse did ask for advice on this matter, and still has been asking for help & advice, actually.

I think that perhaps some asexuals may have a problem talking about their sexuality because they are somewhat scared about who they are- or scared about being different. They may even reject the idea of asexuality being a legitimate sexual orientation. Once they come to realize more about themselves, they are often more inclined to talk about sexuality, as I've seen on this site.

[whitehorse]

Trying to talk to this man. Not getting far. I am planning a trip out

there to see him. Perhaps that would be better setting than by letters

and/or by phone. I sure hope so.

But he says he does not know how to be with women. Other than the

way he is. He says he does not want to be sexual. That he has no

romantic feelings. But, too, indicates, that in the past there were a couple

of times that he wished he would have been. And, same time, tells me he

does not know how to be with a woman.

Does this sound like you guys? He throws me all the time when he

leads me to believe that he has or would or could feel different with

another women.

[jaybird721]

It sounds like he's really avoiding the issue. He needs to be up front and honest with you - you're already in too much angst about this for the relationship to survive secrets and furtive guesses.

[Rabger]

It sounds like he's really avoiding the issue. He needs to be up front and honest with you

As I've already told whitehorse, he needs to be honest with himself first. And that can be a long hard road. If she isn't willing to support him through it, as hard as that may be, she should leave him be. He is avoiding the issue, but it sounds like its because he's confused and scared.

[whitehorse]

I called him on the phone and said that I am really working on this but

I need to talk to him. He said well your planning on coming out soon so

why don't we just wait til you get here and then we can talk. I said ok.

He said you have not apologized to me yet. I sent him a letter apologizing

to him. Maybe he is not reading it. I didnt ask about THAT letter. I

said have you forgiven me for the statement I made. He said something

like I don't know you haven't forgiven me yet (he took some things that

were mine from my house --I caught him --he said he would never do

it again --when I had something missing I couldn't find he said I bet

you think I took it -- I said well the thought crossed my mind---he said

well I will come up there and help you find it it has to be around some

place (it was a splitting maul and he used it last to split firewood and he

is very very good putting things away)...I found it at the oddest place

4-5 months later in the flowers ..after winter. He says I need to trust

him and he says I told you I will never do it again. I now feel like your

standing over my head whenever I do anything when I visit you.

This is kleptomaniac --petty thief ---nothing of real importance --- I would have given all to him if he asked -- petty items not worth too

much ). He says I don't feel you have forgiven me and trust me.

If not, I don't want to come back.

And, says ..I don't know if I will be coming back up there. You are making a wedge with the other issue. I said I know that and I am working

on it. I said I can see that.

Next he says. You need a riding lawn mower. I just spent $250.

labor have someone come in with bushhog and mow fields.etc. He

said I went looking at one for you yesterday. I said what kind is it

. He said it is a sears. They put a rebuilt something in it and said

but sears does not use new parts they use rebuilt parts. I am going

to go back later --see if can get it for less. Last time he was visiting

he said you need a riding lawn mower -- i have about 3 acreas of fields/

lawns i mow with a push mower. I might see if I can find one down home

and I will bring it up to you.

This is an example of his wonderful side: if we could walk around his

asexual/aspergers/avoidant/klepto side -- he is wonderful .

I feel for him. I feel his pain. I feel his struggle. I feel his anxiety.

I feel his aloneness/anxiety. I see him doing his best that he knows

how to do.

I am trying to see him from his own shoes/so that I can understand

where he is standing and what he may be standing in. I care for him

I love him. If he needs me, I will be there for him.

There is a lot of him to come to accept and understand. I am trying

to do that. It is better this week than it was two weeks ago. My accept-

ing/understanding him. This support group/site has been very helpful.

I have signed up for an avoidant personality disorder/support/group

site with yahoo. Hoping that will help me to understand the complexi-

ties of his behaviors/interpersonal relationship.

[whitehorse]

Fay:

I am always doing those things for him --- I cook him homemade

everything such as homemade oatmeal/molasses bread both loaves

and rolls --homemade pumpkin pie --crust from scratch and he loves

my pie crusts --homemade blackrasberry pies that I go out in 95 degree weather middle of JUly to pick 8 cups of blackberries for his pie -- peach

cream pies with lattice crust I go straight to the peach orchards in August get freshly picked peaches come home and made him the peach cream

pie .. I pick up little things for him --- he loves hand made carved

items -- and not want me spend much money on anything for him so

I attend yardsales and find all kinds of neat things he needs ---including an antique rolling pin which he loves antiques and had none --antique

cast iron corn muffin pan which I had several and he had none -- two

nice pairs of summer shorts and a style that is his favorite.... I went

to Florida to check on his son who is incarcerated drinking and driving

and got into accident and killed a woman---I have been down there

twice helping him with legal issues ---I went to West Virginia to a hearing

to attest for his VA Viet Nam disability for PTSD, I have offered him support to help him with his relationship with his son and his son's drinking

problem...I give him complements all the time and praise him for the

family man and father he is to his children...he would always be there

for him and would do anything for him; I tell him he turns me on when

he smokes his cigars and he will say I think I will smoke a cigar or look

at all the cigars I brought up with me and show me a whole container

of them (I have no idea what that is all about when I tell him cigars

are an aphrodisac spelling for me). I cook homemade meals for him

all the time anything he wants ---home made beef stew --home made

chilli this winter/spring when he came up...we made a batch of mollasses

cookies all from scratch together---he stays up with me in the kitchen til

I am done. I will sit down and watch the ten oclock news with him I am

not a tv person at all..

I don't really know anything else I could do for him.. really

[Chiaroscuro]

It sounds like you are very good friends, Whitehorse, but that's it. If friendship's what you want, then you're fine. If you want a romantic partner, then you've got to look elsewhere. I say this as a sexual partner in a divided (sex/asex) marriage. I love my wife, but I know that if I want to have a romantic relationship any time before I die, I've got to leave her. I'm not intending to do that, I have kids and I do love her... she is my best friend... but I am not happy.

You have to imagine living for years with a wall between you and your friend. You will never be able to climb over it. He will be happy behind the wall.. it's where he wants to be. You won't be happy, all you'll ever see is the wall. Every time you want to reach out and touch him, you'll feel the wall. Every time he brushes up against you accidentally, or smiles at you, BANG there's the wall. He won't see it. He'll be happy. All you'll see is the thing that's keeping you apart.

As many of our asexual friends have said, sex isn't everything in a relationship. But for me it's maybe 1/3 of what makes a relationship complete. If it's the same for you, then you have to decide if having 2/3'ds of a relationship is something you can live with for the rest of your life.

your friend,

Chiaroscuro