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What's Off-Limits for you?


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Tyger Songbird

So, for all my asexuals (romantic or aro), what would you consider off-limits for you? What is something in terms of a physical act (kissing, cuddling, intercourse, etc) that you would consider crossing your boundaries of discretion for you?

 

For me, I've never been in a relationship before. I've never been on a date or anything of that nature. So, I have no experience with all this relationship stuff. I know that many might consider that weird, but for me, I'm perfectly fine and happy with the result.

 

However, I did get to thinking one day about what I would want to personally have in a relationship, really. I got to thinking about what I would like to personally try and do in terms of romanticism. I really thought long and hard about this one, and it was really difficult for me to put into words. I thought about all the certain things that are supposedly part and parcel of a traditional relationship, I guess. What I found was that my list of off-limits things was really quite long, longer than I expected really and in a sense really peculiar. Here's what I found.

 

In my mind, all that came to mind was this picture of a couple hugging. Really, I thought that it was quite significant to me, in its specificity of hug. Watching that kind of hug is really significant, because to me it is a tender hug. It's not just like a hug between some friend but rather your best friend in the whole entire world, really. I mean, it's like a comforting hug you give someone who's your "more than friend". It holds a specialness to it, really. It's like comfort and safety when you're in someone's arms. It's like you're safe and secure with them, and you know they're not going to hurt you. A significant love between two people who truly care about and look out for each other's heart. It was what I thought, a bit symbolic I know.

 

Anyway, I thought about it even more, and what I found out was that I didn't truly need anything more than that. I wasn't really needing more than just having someone hugging me, and me someone to hug like that. I know it sounds super sappy and all that, but I really didn't want more than that. I actually thought about what more would I be willing to do, and there really wasn't much. All I really want is that, and really that is all I need too.

 

Now, I've thought of doing certain things like kissing and cuddling. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about personally cuddles. I guess it would be nice to have someone to hug like that, but I don't have anybody in mind to do that with. However, anything with french kissing is off-limits. Anything beyond that is really too far for my liking. Everything stops making sense, and I feel out of element and uneased. I don't want someone tongue reaching down my throat. That's not enticing in theory. I guess light kissing and stuff is okay, really. A kiss on the forehead is cool and sweet, but nothing too far past that. It's a little off-limits.

 

Fondling? Yeah, no. It's a little too invasion of privacy and too tarty. I don't want to touch your chest or private areas, and I don't want you to touch me. That's a little too charged and exposed. I don't know.  Anyway, anything past that is off limits.

 

And that is the word that came to mind for me. Off limits

 

Anyway, that is what came to mind. Then that led to my question, really. I wanted to know if you guys had things you considered off-limits for you personally, or whether or not it's all fair game to you. Just wondering.

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Duke Memphis

Off-limits for me would be inappropriate touching, nudity, and lewd activities. I love hugging, cuddling, and holding the other person. Caressing... It's nice, but I'd rather hold. Caressing only works with the upper arms, face, and hair.

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For me it's less about the actual action and more about the intent. Like, kissing and sex are off limits, but some touch is fine. Of course, if it's touch with a sexual intent, that's not okay. But if it's a prolonged hug to comfort or express love, that's fine. I guess my limits are in the category of "things you can do with family and it's not weird/ incest." :P

 

Although, I guess my limits change. Some days I don't want to be touched at all, no matter the intent. I call those my "prickly" days, because it evokes the mental image of a cactus, which is sort of how I feel. Other days I'm really touch-starved and intensely want a hug. (Oh, and some days it's too hot and I don't want to be touched because I'm overheating. That happens too.)

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Assuming that I were interested in a relationship in the first place, it depended on the other person just as much as on me. What might be okay with one person might not be with another.

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For me, it's not so much a matter of limits but a matter of speed. I'm tired of people who go straight for the genitals. I might be willing to have a sexual relationship if people would stop rushing to that. It's not a race. Take your time. Get to know me first. Life is a journey, not a destination and people who treat a relationship with me as if it was a destination, a target, or an accomplishment creeps me out.

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Tyger Songbird
42 minutes ago, Duke Memphis said:

Off-limits for me would be inappropriate touching, nudity, and lewd activities. I love hugging, cuddling, and holding the other person. Caressing... It's nice, but I'd rather hold. Caressing only works with the upper arms, face, and hair.

Your off-limits sound close to mine really. Anything involving the removal of clothes and in general nudity is something that personally haunts me and scares me. I would freak out if someone started getting naked in front of me. I would instantly want to run away and get away. I'd feel violated if someone were to try to have sex with me, as I'm for sure unwilling to do that. The thought that most people out here want to do that makes me riddled with unpleasant anxiety. I feel incredibly fearful of that. I simply couldn't ever engage in that. I'd be traumatized by that for sure.

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Tyger Songbird
22 minutes ago, bejjinks said:

For me, it's not so much a matter of limits but a matter of speed. I'm tired of people who go straight for the genitals. I might be willing to have a sexual relationship if people would stop rushing to that. It's not a race. Take your time. Get to know me first. Life is a journey, not a destination and people who treat a relationship with me as if it was a destination, a target, or an accomplishment creeps me out.

Cool.  Yeah, it would be nice if we could find people who aren't all about sex all the time. However, I've never heard of anyone who isn't looking to basically hump you instantly.  Most people I've met are basically the type to hound you until you "give in" to them sexually. Girls and guys I've been friend, they are the super-aggressive types. Basically, it's like I don't even matter whatsoever, and all I would be is a sex-prop or something. That's why I have a lot of trepidation and apprehension when it comes overall to dating. I get it, we're the anomaly. We're the real outliers in the world, in this world that is so nyphomania. I get it. However, why is it that we can't find love without sex, really? It definitely seems like asexuals are meant to be in a constant state of alienation and isolation in this world.

 

I will more than likely be single forever. In truth, I more want to be single anyway than be in a relationship. I can't picture anybody ever wanting to be with me, especially in this super-sexed-up world we live in. I feel a peace at heart and a piece of mind being single, really. I know for sure no one will ever try to pull my pants down or anything. That would scare the beejezus out of me. So, I can stay single for the rest of my life easily. I'm perfectly used to being single anyway. It's much safer for me, with much more freedom to do what I please, really. 

 

That being said, I'm sorry that there just seems to be no one out there who wants to have a relationship these days. It seems everyone just wants to do nothing but hook up, I've heard. I'm sorry to hear how much it's not working for you. I don't have anything to say but hugs for you.

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Bronztrooper

Hmm....  I'd have to say that the things that are a 'no-go' for me are pretty much all touching below the waist (mainly in the crotch area, but my rear is a 'no-go' as well) and any other kind of touching that seems to be an attempt to lead towards sex.  Sex itself is also a 'no-go' for me at the moment and while I doubt that it will change any time soon, I can't help but wonder if I may eventually be open to the idea if I become close enough to my partner.  idk how I'd feel about foreplay since I'm not wholly sure what specific actions fall into that category.

 

I thoroughly enjoy cuddling and do like hugging and holding.

 

As for nudity, I feel like I'd only possibly be ok with shirtlessness, but it may take a bit before I'm comfortable enough with it (hell, I don't even like changing my shirts at home unless I'm the only one in the room).  Anything more is probably a 'no-go' yet again.

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Tyger Songbird
42 minutes ago, Bronztrooper said:

Hmm....  I'd have to say that the things that are a 'no-go' for me are pretty much all touching below the waist (mainly in the crotch area, but my rear is a 'no-go' as well) and any other kind of touching that seems to be an attempt to lead towards sex.  Sex itself is also a 'no-go' for me at the moment and while I doubt that it will change any time soon, I can't help but wonder if I may eventually be open to the idea if I become close enough to my partner.  idk how I'd feel about foreplay since I'm not wholly sure what specific actions fall into that category.

 

I thoroughly enjoy cuddling and do like hugging and holding.

 

As for nudity, I feel like I'd only possibly be ok with shirtlessness, but it may take a bit before I'm comfortable enough with it (hell, I don't even like changing my shirts at home unless I'm the only one in the room).  Anything more is probably a 'no-go' yet again.

I am like you in that regard. I actually only get undressed at home, and I don't like to go out to see anything else nude whatsoever. Anything that leads to sex is not welcoming whatsoever. I have never wanted to go anywhere past clothing off. I know that the big thing in culture, especially among teens and stuff is sexting. I don't like that whatsoever. Not the sending pictures, but I would never want to receive a naked picture either. It suggests too much towards sex and is too shamelessly tart. I'd freak out if my partner would send himself or herself naked, thinking I'd want to have sex. At all times, I have a rule: clothes on when in the prescence of others.

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Duke Memphis
3 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

I will more than likely be single forever. In truth, I more want to be single anyway than be in a relationship. I can't picture anybody ever wanting to be with me, especially in this super-sexed-up world we live in. I feel a peace at heart and a piece of mind being single, really. I know for sure no one will ever try to pull my pants down or anything. That would scare the beejezus out of me. So, I can stay single for the rest of my life easily. I'm perfectly used to being single anyway. It's much safer for me, with much more freedom to do what I please, really. 

It seems like your singleness improves your oneness.

 

Wordplay aside, if being without a relationship helps you clear your head and be at peace with things, then that's probably best for you. Not everyone is a relationship type of person.

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5 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

too tarty

What on earth does this even mean? Sounds like slut-shaming language to me.

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Tyger Songbird
1 hour ago, CBC said:

What on earth does this even mean? Sounds like slut-shaming language to me.

Believe me, it's not slut shaming. What I mean by tarty is the act of personal touching or fondling that often leads down the path towards having sex, and that is something I definitely don't want to do. Sorry, I just have a high stressed out/anxiety/aversion reaction towards sex. Even the thought of having sex makes me incredibly nerve-racked. I just couldn't ever do it, I'm sorry. 

 

So, getting into those moments where you're doing all that intimate touching is something that puts me on pause. It just makes me unnerved to do it, because you don't know how to make sure it goes no further into sex. I'm sure that makes me a great romantic partner for a whole lot of people (sarcasm). However, I didn't mean to do any slut-shaming. It's just anything that can spring forward into sex, or acts that would be considered 'foreplay" like that, yeah, those things make me uncomfortable. One minute you're just touching, and the next minute your clothes are on the ground and you're naked. It's really scary to think about.

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Bronztrooper
2 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

I am like you in that regard. I actually only get undressed at home, and I don't like to go out to see anything else nude whatsoever. Anything that leads to sex is not welcoming whatsoever. I have never wanted to go anywhere past clothing off. I know that the big thing in culture, especially among teens and stuff is sexting. I don't like that whatsoever. Not the sending pictures, but I would never want to receive a naked picture either. It suggests too much towards sex and is too shamelessly tart. I'd freak out if my partner would send himself or herself naked, thinking I'd want to have sex. At all times, I have a rule: clothes on when in the prescence of others.

Oh, yeah, I completely forgot about sexting.

 

From what little I understand about it, I doubt that I'd be comfortable with it.  My dad occasionally makes off-handed jokes about me having sex and when the image is placed in my mind (because my imagination can have some sadistic/masochistic streaks (not sure which term would be best there)) I end up feeling very uncomfortable about the idea.  I don't think sexting would be much different.

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Tyger Songbird
2 minutes ago, Bronztrooper said:

Oh, yeah, I completely forgot about sexting.

 

From what little I understand about it, I doubt that I'd be comfortable with it.  My dad occasionally makes off-handed jokes about me having sex and when the image is placed in my mind (because my imagination can have some sadistic/masochistic streaks (not sure which term would be best there)) I end up feeling very uncomfortable about the idea.  I don't think sexting would be much different.

You're not alone with that. I get highly disturbed by the slightest thought or mention towards me regarding sex. I don't like to think about that. My mind feels frenzied to that, whenever that happens. I am full-heartedly like that. That's why I don't want to see anything like that in any single way, ever! I am I guess in my own little bubble and sphere, away from the world because of that. There's a peace there that doesn't have anything to do with sex at all. I feel safer in nonsexual, platonic environments. If only I had friends who were like that.

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Bronztrooper
7 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

You're not alone with that. I get highly disturbed by the slightest thought or mention towards me regarding sex. I don't like to think about that. My mind feels frenzied to that, whenever that happens. I am full-heartedly like that. That's why I don't want to see anything like that in any single way, ever! I am I guess in my own little bubble and sphere, away from the world because of that. There's a peace there that doesn't have anything to do with sex at all. I feel safer in nonsexual, platonic environments. If only I had friends who were like that.

Well, for me, it's more along the lines of "I don't like this", and I only feel that way when the thought of me actually having sex crosses my mind.  Sex in general doesn't bother me either way, so I can just shrug off people making comments or jokes relating to it.

 

I guess that's the difference between sex-repulsed and sex-averse, though.

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everywhere and nowhere

For me anything which would involve undressing on my part is absolutely off-limits. I theoretically thought that I could be capable of some sexual activities in which would generally be above-waist only and would include me only as the "giving" partner... but, more realistically speaking, it's probably not even worth trying. It would feel very frustrating for an allosexual person to have a partner who can't do anything more. So if I had the perspective of a relationship, I absolutely would make it clear that my preference about sex is never ever and probably the only good options for me would be to date someone who is also asexual or low-libido. Fortunately, it's not so uncommon among women to not identify as asexual or anything like that, but still not care much about sex.

The problem is that I could be able to feel some sexual tension, but I'm still unable to actually desire sex. There's probably nothing which could make it non-frightening for me.

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For me anything done to or with my genitals is hard off limits, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I enjoy being touched/kissed almost everywhere else by my partners. Keeping my underpants on makes everything much more comfortable for me.

 

On what I am doing with my partners, I am not aware of a hard limit. I am just not sure about stimulating their genitals there are so many things I would enjoy more, but I haven't tried it, but in contrast to getting my genitals stimulated there is not feeling of aversion just by the thought.

 

My partners are accepting of my limits and I can try new things with them to see if I like them and I or they can say no I/they don't like it this way and we will find something different. Also there are many kinks which are off-limits for me, but bondage is really fun to me both dom and sub.

 

My limits on sexuality are really complicated and cannot be summed up in a few sentences.

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Tyger Songbird
7 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

For me anything which would involve undressing on my part is absolutely off-limits. I theoretically thought that I could be capable of some sexual activities in which would generally be above-waist only and would include me only as the "giving" partner... but, more realistically speaking, it's probably not even worth trying. It would feel very frustrating for an allosexual person to have a partner who can't do anything more. So if I had the perspective of a relationship, I absolutely would make it clear that my preference about sex is never ever and probably the only good options for me would be to date someone who is also asexual or low-libido. Fortunately, it's not so uncommon among women to not identify as asexual or anything like that, but still not care much about sex.

The problem is that I could be able to feel some sexual tension, but I'm still unable to actually desire sex. There's probably nothing which could make it non-frightening for me.

Ok. Cool. My preference for me is also another asexual or low libido partner as well. I wouldn't want to go through all the sexual distress and conflict in a relationship that seems to ensue, making the asexual partner the ultimate enemy denying their partner sexual merriment. I don't want that. I don't want to keep somebody just to frustrate them and make them feel like a prisoner because they're with me not getting the sex they instinctively crave/ I'm against doing sex personally for me, but I do want love and someone who willingly love me, not begrudgingly. I mean, i can't see why that is such an evil thing. It's almost like you're the bad one for not liking sex right now. Like, you're the prude or what have you. It's so mean spirited, and I consider prude-shaming bullying in my eyes. However, most people just say "Get over it!" or something.

 

This is really in particular why I don't want to get into a relationship, really. I don't want to get involved with someone, always constantly having to resist or deny your partner access to your nudity. It seems at that point we're adversaries not lovers, really. I don't want that at all. 

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Sexting is honestly one of the stupidest things I can think of anyone doing.

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Tyger Songbird
1 hour ago, Solovei said:

Sexting is honestly one of the stupidest things I can think of anyone doing.

I'd agree. However, people seem to really like doing it for some reason. Like, you're somehow cool or sexy to do it. I think that being sexy is the only way anyone will ever want you really. I think that's what people really are going for. If you're not hot, then you'll always be alone. I guess that's what is in these days. I think that's why people are doing these things. Sex matters way too much and is so obsessive these days, and this is in my opinion the end result of it.

 

I wish there wasn't an idol worship of this thing, but I guess it won't ever change anytime soon, right? Anyway, I don't want to ever see any porn like that ever ever ever. I don't want to see anybody naked, clothes on at all times. So, there won't be any nudity around me, and they better not ever send porn to me.

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If I'm not sexually attracted to the person? Any sexual contact is out, I'm usually not interested in kissing or making out either. Nudity isn't an issue though.

However, when I am sexually attracted to a person these off-limits things become things I'd actually seek.

 

4 hours ago, Solovei said:

Sexting is honestly one of the stupidest things I can think of anyone doing.

I enjoy it with the right person.

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soakedinbleach

I guess my off-limits are very similar to yours. Anything beside hugging is a big no for me. I would kiss my partner if he wanted me to, I can compromise, but I would rather not. In terms of touching, I'm okay with nearly nothing.

Holding hands is also acceptable, but please don't caress my hand because it's just disturbing 😂

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Tyger Songbird
6 hours ago, soakedinbleach said:

I guess my off-limits are very similar to yours. Anything beside hugging is a big no for me. I would kiss my partner if he wanted me to, I can compromise, but I would rather not. In terms of touching, I'm okay with nearly nothing.

Holding hands is also acceptable, but please don't caress my hand because it's just disturbing 😂

Oh, I don't think I would like to hold hands, really. I'm sorry, but when I see people holding hands and all that, it is very awkward to me. I really like keeping clean hands, and I'm a germaphobe, really. I don't like to touch hands, because I worry they may not be clean, really. That would have to be negotiated, really. High-fiving my sports teammates, that's fine. I'm playing a game. However, hand-holding just seems a bit too much in terms of germs and too sappy in terms of romantic. Just walk next to me, spend time with me, and hug me. I don't need the extra stuff, really. It's really not much more than that.

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Tyger Songbird
5 hours ago, AnnoyerTAW said:

For me, the term 'Off limits" kinda mean about the couple itself, not the individual.

I don't actually understand how a relationship actually works, though. ☺️

 

Image result for off limits meme

Yay, Patrick Stewart reference! And yes, that is going too far in my opinion. I wouldn't want that at all. Too forward and sexual.

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Tyger Songbird
16 hours ago, > 2 said:

If I'm not sexually attracted to the person? Any sexual contact is out, I'm usually not interested in kissing or making out either. Nudity isn't an issue though.

However, when I am sexually attracted to a person these off-limits things become things I'd actually seek.

 

I enjoy it with the right person.

OK. That's cool for you. However, anything involving no clothing or the removal of clothing for me is an absolute no-go like that. I don't want to see anybody naked or have anybody try to make me naked either. Yeah, I don't want to deal with any nudity, especially somebody else's. With me, it's all covered up. I don't want to be in any environments where things are getting all "sexually charged, sorry. I don't want anything to possibly hint towards sex or lead to a sexual encounter. Nudity is in my opinion too prurient interest in sex, really. No way, Jose!!

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Tyger Songbird
16 hours ago, > 2 said:

If I'm not sexually attracted to the person? Any sexual contact is out, I'm usually not interested in kissing or making out either. Nudity isn't an issue though.

However, when I am sexually attracted to a person these off-limits things become things I'd actually seek.

 

I enjoy it with the right person.

OK. That's cool for you. However, anything involving no clothing or the removal of clothing for me is an absolute no-go like that. I don't want to see anybody naked or have anybody try to make me naked either. Yeah, I don't want to deal with any nudity, especially somebody else's. With me, it's all covered up. I don't want anything to possibly hint towards sex or lead to a sexual encounter. No way, Jose!!

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BambooRiver

Ah geez, I have so many off-limits I might as well be a hermit living off the grid. Hugging is meh, kissing is no, sex is *vomits*, holding hands is mostly no unless one of us is wearing gloves (am I the only one who hates the feeling of someone else's palms? I hate shaking hands, holding them, what have you), cuddling is no, either party being naked is no, touching me anywhere is a no except for my hair, arms, and upper back are usually fine. Unless I find someone super similar to me, I will probably only have a relationship with my cats and I'm totally ok with that. They understand me and I understand them. It's a beautiful thing we have.

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The usual cuddling, making out, spooning is great. I sometimes don't mind my butt being grabbed but not at random times, maybe if it's with a cuddle it's fine.

Don't send me nudes, before I realised I was ace, a friend kept on sending me pictures even after I told her to stop. Ace or not, that ain't cool.

Sex: I don't mind the affection that comes with it, and pleasing a partner, but the act itself isn't for me.

Oral/hand stuff: can't stand receiving, makes me feel trapped. Giving though is fine

Really not sure though, I haven't really done a lot since realising I am Ace. Most of this I discovered beforehand

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I enjoy hugs and cuddling, but I'm afraid of accidentally leading the other person to think I want sex with them frightens me. I wouldn't be opposed to having sex with someone who I already had a strong emotional/romantic bond with, but the idea of being pressured into sex terrifies me.

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18 minutes ago, Ardoise said:

I enjoy hugs and cuddling, but I'm afraid of accidentally leading the other person to think I want sex with them frightens me. I wouldn't be opposed to having sex with someone who I already had a strong emotional/romantic bond with, but the idea of being pressured into sex terrifies me.

This is how I feel about sex. Except I am only open to a limited set of sexual acts. Especially no penetration.

 

In addition I enjoy making out and some kinky stuff without sex.

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