I don't know if my husband is asexual and aromantic?

[lacehyacinth]

Please let me know your thoughts because my husband being asexual and likely aromantic is the only thing I can think of. He swears he is not gay and I've seen zero evidence of attraction to men. I met my husband when he was 46. He had two girlfriends before this, and the sex aspect of these relationships was barely existent. He lost his virginity in his late twenties -- through a prostitute -- and always said he was different from his friends. I'm confused, though, because he went through a period of visiting female prostitutes quite regularly for a few years in his thirties and this is the only thing I can think of that takes him OUT of the category of asexual and aromantic. He said he just felt like everyone else was having sex and so prostitutes was an easy way to get it too. He never flirts, he doesn't "need" sexual touch/it doesn't occur to him. We have been married for seven years and there has been no sex at all for four of those years. He carries on with life as though nothing is missing!!!  Or, he says we've had challenges that make sex not happen in our lives (such as miscarriages, stress, morning sickness, etc.) but I feel like this is an excuse.  When we did have sex in the past, he never initiated it and we often only did have sex because I tested myself to find out when I was ovulating as we wanted kids. He looks at me objectively and says that other men would definitely want to have sex with me, but he doesn't want it from me. We got together because he was the first man I met who wasn't preoccupied with ripping my clothes off and I thought it meant there was a real connection. He confirms that there is no intimacy or emotion involved in sex and that all men are the same if they were honest. When I asked him if I could see other people, he said sure - he doesn't care if I have sex with other men - as long as I don't want to divorce because he likes my company and doesn't want our kids to have divorced parents. He has a lot of anger in him. He can say he loves me but can only say it as a sort of joke. I thought it was attachment disorder but now I'm thinking asexual? Aromantic? But, can anyone explain the prostitute fad? Thank you -- I really need to figure this out. P.S - We are still legally married but I have found another man and now that I am having healthy, caring, intimate, "hot" sex again, I can't believe that I was able to live for so long without it. I am in mourning for all of those years of sexuality that I gave up with him--almost all of my prime 30's. He doesn't care that I am not getting what I need and has never ever tried to pleasure me. Yes, he "takes care of himself" several times a week. Also - he says that those fake women with fake boobs and exaggerated photoshopped body parts are appealing to all men, but I dont' know if this turns him on or if he recognizes this in a distanced way only?  Please give me your thoughts. I am brand new here.   He said to me that in ten years or so, when the kids are older and our jobs are a bit less stressful, he would like to try again to have a sexual relationship with me????????

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

@lacehyacinth Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! Have as much  as you want!

 

53 minutes ago, lacehyacinth said:

asexual? Aromantic?

It sounds like he's both of those.

 

53 minutes ago, lacehyacinth said:

But, can anyone explain the prostitute fad?

Sometimes, it happens with aces where they think they're 'broken' and think they need to conform to the majority to 'fix' themselves. That was never the case with me, thankfully!

 

Infinitely Yours,

The Angel of Eternity

[iff]

welcome @lacehyacinth

 

i guess the prostitute fad might be that trying to see if he had fitted as being a sexual so he visited them to try to find out what he liked, until he found he didn't find any.

[anisotrophic]

This sounds really hard, I'm so sorry. I'm glad to hear you've found someone else to give you some of the intimacy you missed.

 

The unloving attitude sounds... avoidant, distancing, like he's not comfortable with himself  And painful for you.

 

Those are odd statements about "all men", which are obviously untrue --  unless one believes that gay men are either not gay, or not men. They sound like sentiments that could make it seem hard for a gay or ace male to accept themselves.

[MrDane]

I think, many asexuals go through phases where they try to find their ‘slumbering’ sexuality, before realizing that it just isnt there. 

[Skywise]

On 6/28/2018 at 1:09 PM, lacehyacinth said:

I am in mourning for all of those years of sexuality that I gave up with him--almost all of my prime 30's. He doesn't care that I am not getting what I need and has never ever tried to pleasure me. Yes, he "takes care of himself" several times a week. Also - he says that those fake women with fake boobs and exaggerated photoshopped body parts are appealing to all men, but I dont' know if this turns him on or if he recognizes this in a distanced way only?  Please give me your thoughts. I am brand new here.   He said to me that in ten years or so, when the kids are older and our jobs are a bit less stressful, he would like to try again to have a sexual relationship with me????????

I am so sorry.  I feel that I understand the lose of those years.  I am coming up on 50 in a 27 year relationship.  As for the the masturbation/libido stuff. There is a lot of that on these forums and I would try the book The Invisible Orientation.  I can tell you my wife gets horney/aroused, but not for me.   The way I process it in my brain is to think of her as coming out gay, just not a lesbian.

[uhtred]

On 6/28/2018 at 11:09 AM, lacehyacinth said:

Please let me know your thoughts because my husband being asexual and likely aromantic is the only thing I can think of. He swears he is not gay and I've seen zero evidence of attraction to men. I met my husband when he was 46. He had two girlfriends before this, and the sex aspect of these relationships was barely existent. He lost his virginity in his late twenties -- through a prostitute -- and always said he was different from his friends. I'm confused, though, because he went through a period of visiting female prostitutes quite regularly for a few years in his thirties and this is the only thing I can think of that takes him OUT of the category of asexual and aromantic. He said he just felt like everyone else was having sex and so prostitutes was an easy way to get it too. He never flirts, he doesn't "need" sexual touch/it doesn't occur to him. We have been married for seven years and there has been no sex at all for four of those years. He carries on with life as though nothing is missing!!!  Or, he says we've had challenges that make sex not happen in our lives (such as miscarriages, stress, morning sickness, etc.) but I feel like this is an excuse.  When we did have sex in the past, he never initiated it and we often only did have sex because I tested myself to find out when I was ovulating as we wanted kids. He looks at me objectively and says that other men would definitely want to have sex with me, but he doesn't want it from me. We got together because he was the first man I met who wasn't preoccupied with ripping my clothes off and I thought it meant there was a real connection. He confirms that there is no intimacy or emotion involved in sex and that all men are the same if they were honest. When I asked him if I could see other people, he said sure - he doesn't care if I have sex with other men - as long as I don't want to divorce because he likes my company and doesn't want our kids to have divorced parents. He has a lot of anger in him. He can say he loves me but can only say it as a sort of joke. I thought it was attachment disorder but now I'm thinking asexual? Aromantic? But, can anyone explain the prostitute fad? Thank you -- I really need to figure this out. P.S - We are still legally married but I have found another man and now that I am having healthy, caring, intimate, "hot" sex again, I can't believe that I was able to live for so long without it. I am in mourning for all of those years of sexuality that I gave up with him--almost all of my prime 30's. He doesn't care that I am not getting what I need and has never ever tried to pleasure me. Yes, he "takes care of himself" several times a week. Also - he says that those fake women with fake boobs and exaggerated photoshopped body parts are appealing to all men, but I dont' know if this turns him on or if he recognizes this in a distanced way only?  Please give me your thoughts. I am brand new here.   He said to me that in ten years or so, when the kids are older and our jobs are a bit less stressful, he would like to try again to have a sexual relationship with me????????

I'm sorry you are in this situation, many bad things going on here.

 

Not all (straight) men are attracted to fake boobs and photo-shopped parts. I was recently at a beach resort with my wife and there were quite a few stunning women in bathing suits around.  They are pretty to look at, but I really don't *desire* them.  If I had my choice,  its my wife that I want, not them.  Sadly I don't get that choice.   

 

His always finding excuses is completely classic for people who are near-ace and simply don't want to have sex, but feel that they need to give a "reason".

 

Its very sad that he doesn't care that you are unhappy. 

 

Its good that you have found someone else for intimacy.  Hopefully that will be a lasting solution, but you may find that you cannot avoid becoming romantically attached to a man with whom you are intimate.  Its called "love making" for  a reason, because it tends to bind people together. 

 

In any case you deserve to do what makes you happy.

[Sally]

Why don't you talk with your husband about this?   We can't possibly tell you what he is.  

 

If your home life is as unpleasant as it sounds, I doubt if it's good for your kids, so your husband's not wanting the kids to have divorced parents isn't a very good excuse for staying together.  

[SusannaC]

Hello.  I think he may have been testing out his sexuality on a prostitute, as Iff and Mr Dane suggested, trying to understand in an uncomplicated way( no strings attached) if sex was something he liked.... I have tried to understand my husband’s long ago sexual behavior in our early years as well.  I know he had ONE girlfriend before meeting me at age 27.  I know he wanted to procreate- so sex had a purpose then.  I also think in the beginning he knew on some level- that sex is what the average man did to properly court a woman and obtain a spouse.  I dated him partly, like you did, because I felt at the time he was safe- didn’t want me JUST for sex..... (the joke was really  on me!)

seriously though,  I think it is wonderful you have found someone.  Hard to say though if your relationship will develop into more than just sex.  For me, sex is an emotionally binding act, and those emotions build and get stronger with time.  After so many long years, -knowing time doesn’t stop and life is uncertain,- why feel guilt about filling the void that would otherwise never be filled in your current situation?  You didn’t state how old your children are- but children do grow up and assume their own lives.  This has happened to me, and I have been left with a profound sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction, sadness for what never was.

[anamikanon]

Separate things.

 

Lack of sex/interest in sex could be asexuality. It does sound like it. Prostitutes could be him trying to find out, or simply using them as a masturbation aid. Asexuality is not impotence or even lack of libido. The only way my ace can have sex with me is when he is horny already and wanting to get off. Before me, he'd masturbate. When we are together, he has sex. But it is essentially the same thing. I play the role of erotica for his purposes. It doesn't have any specific meaning that he's having sex with me other than perhaps that he'd like to be able to offer me sex because I am sexual. but it doesn't mean much to him, nor will a fantastic climax mean he wants a repeat till he's horny the next time. Which could be next month? Two months later? Till then I can dance naked and it won't matter. His lack of jealousy could also be because he does not find sex a big deal and if you want it, better that you go elsewhere kind of a thing.

 

My ace has never been sexually possessive. Even when we were having sex and didn't know he was ace. In fact, while I am poly, he's been far more encouraging about me seeing others than I have been interested in finding them. As long as our relationship doesn't suffer and he's pretty secure about that. If he's cool, and you have an otherwise ok relationship, no reason why you can't have a (or more) sexual relationship that satisfies you as well as a domestic relationship with him.

 

Anger issues - those are a different matter. Regardless of his feelings about anything or past, etc. You are not obliged to face unkindness from him. Managing his emotions is his responsibility and he should be getting a handle on that - you cannot be expected to "understand" it.