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Can cis people use they/them?


Little Death

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Little Death

I am female, but I don't feel comfortable using she/her pronouns. Is it ok for me to use they/them?

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I think so. I'm starting to use both, because I believe it will help normalize they/them in a singular sense to have more folks use it. I saw a presentation a while ago about the process of making some forms of ID (like health cards in Canada) have an X option for sex (instead of m/f) and I decided if that were an option I'd go for x to help normalize it. I'm a cis woman and appear as one, but going for gender neutral things might help prevent prejudice against people who use they/them. Like, it doesn't mean they're in the process of transitioning, and it doesn't mean they're young and going through a "phase" and it doesn't mean they don't look one way or another. 

 

I still accept she/her, though, most of the time. 

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Trans person who uses they/them here: yes, they can.

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I'm not trans but hate words like 'she/her/mother/daughter' being directed at me. I probably could use they/them if I wanted but I know I'd just get crap for it so go out of my way to avoid people which solves a lot of my issues :P

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Clumsy Fairy
13 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:
 

I'm not trans but hate words like 'she/her/mother/daughter' being directed at me. I probably could use they/them if I wanted but I know I'd just get crap for it so go out of my way to avoid people which solves a lot of my issues :P

Brilliant! Though I just don't have an issue with gendered words, but then I am not allowed an opinion being a white cis male. 

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Little Death
2 minutes ago, G0D said:

Brilliant! Though I just don't have an issue with gendered words, but then I am not allowed an opinion being a white cis male. 

OF COURSE YOU ARE ALLOWED AN OPINION YOU ARE PERFECTLY VALID NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE.

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I think so, what's weird for me is that I don't particularly want to use they/them, but I feel a genuine detatchment from gender. I think it's because using they/them draws more attention to my gender, so I prefer to skate by with she/her because it's much more 'expected' and requires me to hyperfocus on my gender less. Then again, my female-ness doesn't bother me. It's complicated.

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5 minutes ago, michonne said:

I think so, what's weird for me is that I don't particularly want to use they/them, but I feel a genuine detatchment from gender. I think it's because using they/them draws more attention to my gender, so I prefer to skate by with she/her because it's much more 'expected' and requires me to hyperfocus on my gender less. Then again, my female-ness doesn't bother me. It's complicated.

I get what you mean. People may be inclined to ask why you go by they/them. I've decided to equip myself with a standard response to that, which is basically what I posted above. I don't like having to put in the effort to convince people to go with the tide of social change in issues like this (or asexuality in general) in mundane daily interaction, so I get why you want to stick with what people do by default. 

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Just now, Snao Cone said:

I get what you mean. People may be inclined to ask why you go by they/them. I've decided to equip myself with a standard response to that, which is basically what I posted above. I don't like having to put in the effort to convince people to go with the tide of social change in issues like this (or asexuality in general) in mundane daily interaction, so I get why you want to stick with what people do by default. 

Yes, exactly. It's one of those things where I get it, I'm female, it does not bother me that you SEE me as female, just please don't attribute any of my other features to my gender. ^_^;

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Elftober Country
1 hour ago, Snao Cone said:

I think so. I'm starting to use both, because I believe it will help normalize they/them in a singular sense to have more folks use it.

1

I try to use they / them for this reason also. I work in an industry that is "male dominated' and frequently receive emails that begin with "dear gents" clearly we have a long way to go... 

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26 minutes ago, October Country said:

I try to use they / them for this reason also. I work in an industry that is "male dominated' and frequently receive emails that begin with "dear gents" clearly we have a long way to go... 

I have a similar issue with "hello ladies" even though there are two men on my team. I never liked being called a "lady" because I'm not refined or proper or delicate. "Folks" or "all" or "team" or even "guys" are better options, imo. The point of gender neutral terms is the flexibility to apply to anyone. 

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Elftober Country
5 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

I have a similar issue with "hello ladies" even though there are two men on my team. I never liked being called a "lady" because I'm not refined or proper or delicate. "Folks" or "all" or "team" or even "guys" are better options, imo. The point of gender neutral terms is the flexibility to apply to anyone. 

When writing emails I never use gender-specific terms, ever. I'm usually addressing the 'Design Team" so I just go with " team".  I've been in countless meetings where someone has tried to correct themselves after addressing the whole room as being "male" and suddenly realised "oh shit". I've noticed the same counts for swearing, if someone drops the f-bomb (or c-bomb) then notices my presence, I automatically get an apology. 

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nerdperson777
3 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I have a similar issue with "hello ladies" even though there are two men on my team. I never liked being called a "lady" because I'm not refined or proper or delicate. "Folks" or "all" or "team" or even "guys" are better options, imo. The point of gender neutral terms is the flexibility to apply to anyone. 

"Guys" is actually gendered so I try to avoid it even though it's quite instinctual, after saying it for so long.

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:) Hi. Yes; It seems you can. There's a gender non-conforming Youtuber, Miles Jai, who chooses to use both he and she pronouns, and other responses to this question throughout social media say cisgender people can.

 

It makes sense because not all cisgender non-conforming people are exactly comfortable hearing themselves being called their biological pronouns all the time or certain ones that might sound or feel too old-fashioned or adhere too much to stereotypical, rigid gender roles to them, like Snao Cone mentioned, such as "lady," "Ma'am," "Miss," "Mrs.," "Sir," etc.

 

If you're interested, here's an old AVEN thread with more confirming responses.

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164568-cisgender-but-theythem-pronouns/

 

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I don't see why not. Choose the pronouns that are comfortable for you! I use they/them myself, though I am trans. Atypical or non "fitting" pronouns are not restricted to trans people.

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margot-rain

I am a cis-female, but I dislike some female pronouns. She/her is okay, but I work in a school, and the kids all call me Miss, which really bothers me, I don't know why. I usually just tell them to call me by my name. I also don't like being called a "woman". I don't whether it's because I don't feel like a grown-up or because women have sex and girls don't, but I always think of myself as a girl not a woman. Dunno, my brain is strange 😋

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I personally like They\them better because sometimes I get tired of people just noticing my gender first and that I just was addressed as a person.

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2 hours ago, margot-rain said:

I am a cis-female, but I dislike some female pronouns. She/her is okay, but I work in a school, and the kids all call me Miss, which really bothers me, I don't know why. I usually just tell them to call me by my name. I also don't like being called a "woman". I don't whether it's because I don't feel like a grown-up or because women have sex and girls don't, but I always think of myself as a girl not a woman. Dunno, my brain is strange 😋

I don't like Miss either. Or Mrs for obvious reasons. I'm generally fine with Ms, but much like my stance on she vs they, I would like to normalize either no titles at all, or at least defaulting to Mx. 

 

For girl/woman, I really don't like girl anymore. In my perspective, it indicates how people perceive me, and then further reinforces the belief that I'm incomplete or in need of further development. Sometimes "woman" is used in a way too narrow way, like overgeneralizing on heterosexuality, marriage, and motherhood, but I would rather combat that habit people have than drop the "woman" label. I get why some people would rather stick with girl if they're not interested in the aforementioned roles, but I would rather change how people interpret and use "woman". Or just be called a person. That works too. :P

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butterflydreams
23 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I would like to normalize either no titles at all, or at least defaulting to Mx. 

I just don’t think this will be a reality, at least in my lifetime. The fact is that it’s still rather niche for people to use things like they/them or Mx, and there’s no real incentive for people generally to do otherwise. We exist in a heavily gendered world, where gender is one of the very first things we determine about a person in the first few microseconds. Personally I don’t consider that to be a bad thing, just how things are. How our brains work. I guess I look at it as an is what it is kind of thing.

 

Interesting that you find “woman” too narrow though. I find that to be very important to myself personally. I don’t use the “trans” qualifier either. I’m just a woman. And how I am defines how at least some women are.

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Just Somebody

Short answer , yes, how you dress , your name,  how you act , etc, how you wanna be called doesn't invalidate your gender identity.

 

Your gender identity are just words you rather prefer to be called.

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PixleyDust✨
On 6/27/2018 at 5:09 PM, nerdperson777 said:

"Guys" is actually gendered so I try to avoid it even though it's quite instinctual, after saying it for so long.

Same. I’ve seen stuff on other social media platforms that although CA folks kind of use words like “dude” or “guys” in a weirdly gender neutral way, the words are inherently male and might offend people who aren’t comfortable being associated with masculinity. 

 

That’s why I’ve just been saying “sibs” or “y’all” and only using “guys” around my family, who I know are all cis. 

 

But I’ve actually come to like saying “sibs” anyways. Much cuter. And it makes me feel a little closer to the people I’m addressing. 😊

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Perhaps one day the whole world will become gender neutral.  And then everyone can be treated equally as they deserve to be.  Without any expectations put upon them.

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  • 2 weeks later...
no-longer-in-use
On 6/27/2018 at 11:08 AM, Little Death said:

I am female, but I don't feel comfortable using she/her pronouns. Is it ok for me to use they/them?

Use whatever pronouns you want. I identify as a cisgender female even though I don't feel a super strong connection to my gender and am totally fine being called they/them pronouns. It's your decision. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I refer to strangers as they/them by default now, so it would be hypocritical of me to say no ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't see why anyone who's trans and/or nb would have a problem with someone using pronouns that genuinely make them feel more comfortable. Last time I checked, that's what TERFs were for.

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