Lithromantic and suffering

[frony0]

So, I'm lithromantic, maybe even lithosexual, and I'm hating it. Everything about this sexuality is terrible. I only discovered recently, and I gotta say, the relief of finding something which fits my experience so well is nice, but the prospects for the future are horrific. Other lithromantics, how do you cope with this? 

[NickyTannock]

I wish I could help you, seriously. I'm not Lithromantic or Lithrosexual, but to say it seems less than ideal would be an understatement. Even calling it an understatement is an understatement. I hope someone who is Lithromantic responds with some advice.

[Wonder-woman]

Not sure if it's helpful but did you check this thread 

 

[XDoge]

I think I kinda understand how you feel. A few months ago, I fell in love with this wonderful girl, who now happens to be one of my best friends (and I am still in love with her). But as fate would have it, she's pretty sexual, and I'm sure she would never want anything with someone like me.

That made me feel truly cursed for being asexual, like, for real. I felt really, really bad about it for quite a while, and it still gets me down sometimes.

But I think making peace with is a matter of time, because in the end, we can't really change that about ourselves, so acceptance becomes a necessity...

So I'm not sure if it helps, but try actively searching for positive aspects about your sexuality, no matter how small they may be, because I think they at least offer some semblance of respite, and a different angle to look at things...

[bananagoatman]

For me I'm lithopanromantic and lithopansexual. I don't consider cuddling or holding hands to be romantic but kissing and going on dates/being a couple gives me so much anxiety and repulsion. I don't really hold sex or romanticism as an expectation for an important and healing relationship. I cope with it by realizing that I have many friends, plants and animals that I love. And that I don't need sex or romanticism to be happy. Usually researching and learning about sex and relationships satisfies me when I am having those feelings. Also knowing the horrible feeling that would come with going through with anything discourages me from continually persuing it.

[ThatOneKidMe]

I completely agree!! I get so confused and frustrated and angry at myself. I get so much anxiety the more I think about being Lithromantic. For example, I had a huge "crush" on this guy. I would imagine us in a flirtatious relationship, but the second I thought about touching I became repulsed. This sucks. Feeling in love and happy one second and grossed out and empty the next. 

 

But in the end being lithromantic and using that label because it is comfortable and right for me. It puts those annoying feelings into a box, so I know that I am not  crazy, I am just lithromantic. In a way its really reassuring 

[noahkurt25]

On 6/24/2018 at 11:40 AM, frony0 said:

So, I'm lithromantic, maybe even lithosexual, and I'm hating it. Everything about this sexuality is terrible. I only discovered recently, and I gotta say, the relief of finding something which fits my experience so well is nice, but the prospects for the future are horrific. Other lithromantics, how do you cope with this? 

im going through this exact same thing. when i first noticed something was wrong, i did my research and found out i was lithromantic. and im in pain. i feel broken. i now realise that my dreams of cute relationships and my dreams of getting married are crushed. ive realised now that i physically cannot get married. i cant even stand the thought of it now, and frankly, im heartbroken. I was in love with someone for 3 years. when they finally started to like me back i was overjoyed. we decided to get together and it all went downhill from there. 1 week into the relationship i had to end things. i was uncomfortable and i had lost my romantic feelings for him even though they had been there all those 3 years. and it broke his heart. now im scared to try again. i dont ever want to have to put someone through that again.

[AirPower]

I cope with it by daydreaming about how I go to a therapist and fix it. But in the meantime I just try to focus on all the good things I have in my life and be grateful.

[LoneRider]

Honestly for me, I'm going to try just having amazing friendships and not try to focus on trying to actually date. I've been considering for a while finding a totally platonic life partner, and enjoy what I have, similar to how part of me would love to have a fancy ranch with horses and everything, but I still enjoy what I currently have, if that makes sense.

[luna07]

I'm still questioning my lith-ness, but I deal with it by just strongly force myself to keep my crushes casual. I tell those feeling that they are just feelings, that I can ignore them completely. I'm terrified of the day that I will get a serious crush that i can't escape or get rid of. To all of you posting about how being lith is just giving you sadness, I want to say:

You are beautiful!

Your orientation does not mean you're broken!

You can still have a wonderful life without getting married or having relationships!

I promise you will figure it and yourself out!

Even if you don't, there are people here like you who support you!

We'll always have Queerplatonic Relationships!

Go have some cake and go to a Pride Parade!

ok bye

 

[cavana]

Hey! I'm going through the same thing. I'm so excited to figure out my sexuality but also terrified because I feel broken in a way. If anyone other lithros have any advice I could really use it. Thanks!

[anasailor]

I got through this so many times untill i decide to stop saying or pushing away people who i notice that was going to confess (but in a politely way, i think) i had a relationship that worked for 1 year I'm still in shock actually, but I'm having this problem now and i already had before, I'm avoiding man and some womans (I'm bi too) like literally avoiding i started to use a ring again and faking that I'm in a relationship to people don't approach me, but i don't think that's right too, why do I have do avoid?i don't have to i know that but it's like i became scared, I'm confused why I'm doing this, if someone can help me and give me some answers would be amazing

[kiaroskuro]

Frankly, I don't know how to cope with this either - although I'm also still questioning my being lith.

All I can say is that I find it really comforting that I'm not alone. This thread for instance makes me feel less weird and estranged from other humans. (Granted, that's how I usually feel in all areas of life - weird and estranged. But I think you get my point)

[Sundayraven]

Hey! I'm lithromantic as well. I only discovered the term for it recently, but it's fit me for my entire life, way back to my first crush in 5th grade. For me, my main issue is guilt over how I've handled relationships in the past. I'm romance repulsed, so once the person I was interested in started returning feelings, I would pretty much just drop them like a hot potato and couldn't stand to be around them again until those feeling faded. I kept thinking things would be different with each new relationship, but of course they weren't. I am in a long term relationship now, with someone who is allosexual and alloromantic, and things aren't perfect, but we have a strong base of friendship and I do love him platonically. I've learned to be honest with him about what I want and what I'm comfortable with. It's really just a close friendship, with occasional sex, on my side, but he still feels his feelings. He knows I don't want to get married or live together, and if one day he decides to seek out another relationship that will be okay with me, though I'll be sad if he doesn't want to maintain our friendship.

I'm comfortable with how I am, probably because I have no desire to live with someone, get married, or have children. I don't have a desire to be in a romantic relationship, even though I may temporarily feel attracted to someone, if that makes sense.

[CrimsonSpell]

I start to consider trying to find people sometimes, and think about how nice it would be to have a partner, and then I seem to always remind myself that no, it probably wouldn't be great at all unless they were also asexual.

I think a lot of the pain comes from the majority of people we meet being sexual, and our struggle to  fit in a relationship like that just doesn't work if we do actually have a relationship. It hurts us rather than having it be a loving and open relationship like it is in our minds. I remind myself it comes down to finding the right person who understands. So far, reminding myself of my standards and not to bother pursuing if they don't understand or seem open to understanding helps. It's still lonely and upsetting when something does go wrong though.

[Ace_Of_Diamonds-]

I can identify as lithoromantic, but my feelings(I think) get repulsed after they reciprocate the feeling. I HATE IT. My brain can’t seem to get that I WANT THIS, I get you, don’t you worry. I write down the emotions or scenarios in a VERY secret journal, and I feel like that helps, but it’s just something you have to learn to accept. I’m getting there, I hope. 

[IceKing]

I'm wandering somewhere between lithromantic and aromantic (though lith falls under aro) and I can understand the statement that it's terrible.
I still get confused between crushes and squishes but now I'm certain I do felt romantic attraction in the past. My last crush/squish being only 2 years ago.
Don't know if the reciprocation part is the trigger for me but I can lose my romantic attraction extremly quick. Speaking of only a few days up to 4 weeks at best.
It's nothing that is meant to last within me.
And once my romantic feelings are gone (it's like a switch suddenly goes off) I feel repulsion for the person I used to like.
It's very unfair towards the person I had a crush for.

I was able to observe this behaviour in me from a young age on.
In my teens there was another guy who expressed his romantic interest in me. I reacted really shitty, said something like "why in hell you would feel this way for me?".
It really didn't make sense to me back then (and it wasn't because he was a guy I never cared about the sex of someone).
A few days passed and all of the sudden I felt romantic attraction for him but NEVER told him and NEVER said a single word.
I actually avoided talking to him. I thought it was because I was shy and insecure at the time but now I know it's the way I experience romantic attraction.
Some attempts at romantic relationships followed (most with girls) and they all ended with the other person being heart broken.
I felt like a fucking heartbreaker, a total asshole.
And I never understood why I couldn't make things right!

This is actually why romance isn't worthwhile to me no matter how much I feel like I'm in love or how much I like the idea of a romantic connection with someone.
The crush I had 2 years ago - after I actually told the girl I had the crush for, she said "I knew you liked me this way" but she already had a boyfriend.
It took only some days and my feelings for her were gone. It's like black magic!
And this is an emotional charged topic for me because this is where I truly felt broken and dysfunctional. Even more than with being ace.

It feels like I needed to travel those vicious circles of romantic attraction -yes- , -no-, again and again and again until I finally accepted it doesn't work for me this way.
So what do I do now?
I handle it like @EngineerHologram said. I gave up on romance in real life and tell myself, if a crush occurs, they're just feelings. They will be gone soon. I'm focussing on being a good friend and having strong friendships. And even if I fall in love I enjoy the feeling as long as it lasts but I don't take it (as) serious anymore (I don't need my feelings to be reciprocated at all to feel the love for someone).
I'm finally better now. I finally feel like a stable person again and not an absolute maniac. I even started to think it's an interesting/unique thing to have a crush for someone that doesn't even need the other person to do anything at all to be there. It gave me a different view on friendship again. This is what I'm thankful for.

But as I didn't know what's up with me I also felt terrible for being this way. If someone else stumbles across this long ass text I hope they don't feel alone anymore.
Because I felt extremly alone, stupid and like a bad person with these sentimes before I reached out to AVEN.
It's crazy how things can fall into place when you have the courage to figure out what's going on.

[Just Somebody]

On 6/23/2018 at 8:40 PM, frony0 said:

So, I'm lithromantic, maybe even lithosexual, and I'm hating it. Everything about this sexuality is terrible. I only discovered recently, and I gotta say, the relief of finding something which fits my experience so well is nice, but the prospects for the future are horrific. Other lithromantics, how do you cope with this? 

For a long while I've been one, and once I wrote an thread venting about my miserable romantic life,  you can find my story

here:

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/173322-did-loneliness-or-aging-change-your-labels/

 

Maybe you can relate , my past self has better words than me by this moment about this subject.

 

...I'd appreciate that ...I'd appreciate that . I guess as time goes I feel more and more aromantic and desire more just emotional bonds, but sometimes it feels like I fluctuate towards adding romantic bonds to the emotional bond list I crave .

 

 

 

[Julivovo]

I am lithromatic but i guess for me its a little different then what i read so far.

 

I used to be a classic romantik girl, loved reading about girl meets boy, obsessed with series ect. And also had a crush on almost every boy in every class i was in :D

 

oh man i was sooo looking forward to getting older and date!

 

And then i started partying and maiking out with guys which was fun but feelings faded right away. Ok they were not THE ones.

Again and again, i made out, feelings faded, even with guys i liked for longer before. Before i always thougt: ohh he s THE one for sure!!! Hahaha

but no one was.

 

And then i had a big crush on a friend for month. When he finally told me he loved me...  i couldnt stand it! I felt so .... uncomfortable to say the least.

But i guess he wasnt the one....

 

and then that happend again and again... 

i fell for so many guys over the years.

So many told me their feelings.

and on the other hand i partyed almost every weekend and i have kissed hundreds of guys to this point!!! I am known as THE playgirl around haha

 

I fantasised about love for so many years. Then i fanatsised about just having feelings WITH someone. I fantasised about enjoying sex. 

I thought wow its realy unlikly that i can have almost every man i want and still dodnt find anyone i like after knowing he likes me.

 

I am 25 at this point. I never found the one. Or someone. Just someone i feel anything for after 30 seconds.

And i never will.

Because i cant. 

[Rynn]

This thread has been inactive for a long time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss the topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it.

Ryn, moderator