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Frustrated about my reaction.


Nibiru

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Yesterday I had a last seminar meeting and a girl from that seminar had the courage to ask me out for a walk. I thought before, that she had a crush on me. But yesterday I noticed how large her pupils became as she talked to me. She also blushed a lot. This was too much for me. So I said, that I had to go in a different direction (which is true). In hindsight I felt sorry for her. It would have been the chance to meet someone new and get to know each other better. Since I don´t know too many people. She seemed like a friendly person. I don´t know what this says about me. I just can´t deal with such situations, they make me feel overtaxed.

 

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NickyTannock

@Nibiru I have a lot of regrets, so I empathise.
I think the best thing you can do though, is to try to learn from the experience.
Dwelling on what it says about you, might not help you grow.

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I also have trouble dealing with social situations. They can be very exhausting and frustrating... :( 

 

Maybe that girl was shy/introverted. I'm also very shy and introverted, and I know that sometimes I don't always come across very well. It used to bother me more than it does now. I try to be understanding of how other people feel, and I try not to hold it against them if they don't react very kindly towards me.

 

I try to learn from the awkward social situations that I find myself in. Maybe you'll get a chance to run into this girl again. If not, then looking at the situation as a learning experience may help. 

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I'm sorry, mate. :cake: Be warned, curious questions ahead:

From what you wrote I gather that you would like meeting her and you were just overwhelmed. Or is the possibility of her having a crush on you a problem too?

Do you know her name? Is there any chance of writing her an email and apologising? Things you could write:

- I'm sorry about being so rude yesterday, I was tired and a bit grumpy (being tired is always a good excuse that everyone can relate to...)

- I'm sorry about yesterday, I'm just not a very spontaneous person, but I'd love to go for a walk sometime.

- I'm sorry I didn't have time yesterday, do you have time this weekend instead?

- Maybe we could do sth together after the Prüfungsphase? (you could also suggest a time and day)

 

Grüßle!

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samstreet101

If you could change the way you reacted in this specific case/tell her that you were wrong and that you'd like to get to know her would you do it? Or is it more that you regret that's how you react in general to these situations?

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I think it all boils down to whether you actually would like to take a walk with her (or whatever else) or not. Feeling sorry for her is not a good starting point.

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Firstly. Thank you very much for your respond and helpful advice. I really appreciate it.
It´s true. I am not a spontaneous person. I was overwhelmed, because I didn´t expect this to happen. I wasn´t grumpy to her. I don´t have feelings for her, yet I´am disappointed how I reacted. I always react like this, if someone starts to flirt with me. I felt bad, because I was cold and a new friend would also be nice to have. Perhaps I don´t like it, if people have romantic expectations towards me? I don´t know? Since I don´t know her, this was very awkward for me. I don´t feel like writing her. I don´t even know her name.

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I have never seen anyone's pupils get bigger 

I wonder if all my crushes who have looked me in the eyes have seen my pupils get bigger

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4 minutes ago, Nibiru said:

Firstly. Thank you very much for your respond and helpful advice. I really appreciate it.
It´s true. I am not a spontaneous person. I was overwhelmed, because I didn´t expect this to happen. I wasn´t grumpy to her. I don´t have feelings for her, yet I´am disappointed how I reacted. I always react like this, if someone starts to flirt with me. I felt bad, because I was cold and a new friend would also be nice to have. Perhaps I don´t like it, if people have romantic expectations towards me? I don´t know? Since I don´t know her, this was very awkward for me. I don´t feel like writing her. I don´t even know her name.

I tend to get overwhelmed with unexpected situations too. I've worked very hard at not getting overwhelmed, and I have improved somewhat, but it's still hard. I also tend to get disappointed with how I sometimes react when dealing with others (I can be VERY hard on myself...) 

 

I find flirting to be rather confusing at times. I'm not much of a flirt myself (couldn't flirt my way out of a wet paper bag...), and sometimes other people's expectations of me feel very overwhelming. 

 

It's okay to not want to write her. Maybe it's for the best. 🙁

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whatbethings
3 hours ago, Salmiakki said:

I have never seen anyone's pupils get bigger 

I wonder if all my crushes who have looked me in the eyes have seen my pupils get bigger

I was under the impression that that is a sign of sexual attraction, just like feeling warm, which could explain the blushing. But you can take my opinion on this with a grain of salt since I have no personal experience in this area...

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If you mean a seminar like a work conference, I wouldn't expect someone to get a crush that quickly. And maybe her eyes looked that way from being inside an auditorium? She probably just wanted to take a walk and talk with someone. Maybe she liked you but I would think you could express non romantic feelings by keeping a certain distance without pulling away completely. But that's easier to do when you've had some time to think about it, not as easy in the moment. But I wouldn't even guess that someone I just met would be interested in me romantically or sexually, I would just think they wanted some company or possible friendship...I guess if you knew them longer than that day it might be different but I think you can still make it clear you just want friendships.

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28 minutes ago, whatbethings said:

I was under the impression that that is a sign of sexual attraction, just like feeling warm, which could explain the blushing. But you can take my opinion on this with a grain of salt since I have no personal experience in this area...

Oh, well if that's the case then no one has seen my pupils dilate :D 

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My eyes dilate in the sun and I blush when I get cold so I sure hope no one has made big decisions about my sexuality based on that! I'm not saying what you did was wrong though, I would have done the same thing actually.

 

I think the most important thing here is that you actually took the time to consider your actions and learn for next time when most people never re-think their behavior or learn from mistakes/new experiences. So good for you!

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If you're examining someone closely enough to the point you're noticing their pupil size, I can't help but wonder if some of the interest is mutual.  That seems like a really tiny, specific sort of thing to notice.

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