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Going to tell my (romantic) partner I'm aro soon. Advice?


Peryton

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I posted something like this before and didn't get much of a response. If anyone else has been in the situation where they've realized they're aromantic after being in a relationship for a long time, I'd love to hear your experiences and get some advice on how to handle it. 

 

I care for my partner a lot but, no matter how much I've tried, I just can't make myself feel more than friendship. I'm not affectionate, I'm touch adverse, sex adverse, and need way more alone time than the average person. So out of the gate I'm not great as a romantic partner anyway. 

 

I worried for a long time that I was just repressing my interest in women (I'm afab non-binary) but that just doesn't seem to be the case! 

 

I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore than this already is going to and if she wants to stay platonic life partners or something, that's fine by me. It's important for me to be out about being aromantic and it's a hard thing to tackle. Does anyone have any advice? 

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NickyTannock

I wish I had some advice, but I've never had any relationships.
I do wish you luck though.

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Thank you for the well wishes. ❤️ I know it was dumb of me to get into a relationship when I wasn't sure if I really had romantic feelings at all but I can't change the past sadly... 

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From how you describe your feelings, it's entirely possible that your partner already realizes that you aren't very (or at all) romantic.  Have you been trying to kind of cover your feelings up and do what you think your partner wants?  If you haven't, then there may be no need to explain or give your (non)feeling a label.  

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I have being doing a lot of cover up yes. A lot of "fake until you make it", because I assumed my lack of romance was from depression and I wanted to make her happy y'know? She's very used to me being weird and standoffish, though I also work a considerable amount so I don't know how much she attributes to that. 

 

A snag with not sharing the label is that we share all the same social media and are heavily involved in the same (lgbt related) group chats. To be able to talk openly about my orientation in these spaces she'll have to see it. It makes me feel very very down to not be able to talk freely about it. 

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23 minutes ago, Peryton said:

Does anyone have any advice? 

I do believe you should tell her your truth about this. Maybe being platonic would be better for you guys. Also, an open relationship may work, if you haven't already tried that. I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor.

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HonoraryJedi

I broke up with someone upon realizing I'm probably aro, and in either case, it just felt wrong.  What really went down was that I entered the relationship and immediately realized I was uncomfortable with it. I only stuck with it for a month or so (don't quite remember the exact times) so it isn't exactly like your situation, but it is something. It is really about just coming out and saying it. If you intend for this to be a breakup, state it clearly. Have the conversation, and then make sure you can leave the conversation so you can both process. Breaking up is very unlikely to be painless, but it can still be the best possible solution.

 

You did not speak of breakup specifically, just coming out, but from the sound of it, the two are connected, and regardless of any potential platonic lifepartner situation, I get the impression the romantic part of this needs to end, and it helps being clear with that. (I tried to have the 'I can have a sort-of relationship, but not a romantic relationship' talk, and it did not get through) I only have one datapoint, but that was my experience. I'd suggest, be honest about your feelings. Have the conversation soon, even if it likely won't be a fun conversation. After you have all the cards on the table, then you can talk about the future of your friendship, and what each of you are ok with.

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I was in a relationship for almost two years before i left, but i wouldn't suggest going about it the way i did 😕 Didn't realize i'm aromantic until roughly a year after the fact. It's a tough spot to be in, knowing your relationship isn't working and you just don't feel the same as your SO, but still caring about the person and wanting to keep them around.

 

You should definitely tell her how you've been feeling. Make it clear that you might be good with a QPP or something similar if she wants to maintain your connection, but it won't be romantic. These conversations suck, but you'll regret it if you keep going through the motions trying to please her. There's a decent chance she can tell something's off, and even if she can't it's not healthy to repress things like this. I could have saved both of us a lot of grief if i had just been honest with my ex in the first place, but i wasn't and the inevitable breakup was really drawn out and messy. That's just my two cents! Good luck ❤️

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So you want to come out to her, right? Not sure whether it'd be alright taking advice from me, considering that I had only come out to three people and the first was completely unintentional, but here goes.

1) Sit the both of you down with your favorite drinks and maybe some snacks too

2) Tell her straight out that you're aromantic

3) Don't hide anything; like with us, tell her that you're touch-adverse, sex-adverse, love your private space and time, and overall, not a great romantic partner

4) However, also repeatedly tell her how much you love and care for her

5) Reassure her that if she still wants to be with you, then you'll do everything you can to make the relationship work

 

This is my advice. I don't know how she'll take it but beating around the bush tends to create unnecessary misunderstandings. Good luck and I hope that it'll all go well!

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10 hours ago, HonoraryJedi said:

I get the impression the romantic part of this needs to end, and it helps being clear with that

That is pretty much it yes. I know that functionally our relationship might change little but I want to be honest and to be open about something I consider an important part of my identity. I don't want to be lying around our mutual friends either. 

 

8 hours ago, brook_worm said:

It's a tough spot to be in, knowing your relationship isn't working and you just don't feel the same as your SO, but still caring about the person and wanting to keep them around.

Yeah... It's not great. We've been together for four years or so. Which you think I would figure it out much sooner but I was moving from a bad situation and then our situation became even worse shortly after I moved in. :( I didn't really have time for introspection on that matter. Now I'm out of "survival mode" I'm figuring all this out and the time delay makes it all the more painful, oof. 

 

Thank you for the well wishes, I hope it goes well.

 

2 hours ago, LYL Hazel said:

So you want to come out to her, right? Not sure whether it'd be alright taking advice from me, considering that I had only come out to three people and the first was completely unintentional, but here goes.

1) Sit the both of you down with your favorite drinks and maybe some snacks too

2) Tell her straight out that you're aromantic

3) Don't hide anything; like with us, tell her that you're touch-adverse, sex-adverse, love your private space and time, and overall, not a great romantic partner

4) However, also repeatedly tell her how much you love and care for her

5) Reassure her that if she still wants to be with you, then you'll do everything you can to make the relationship work

 

This is my advice. I don't know how she'll take it but beating around the bush tends to create unnecessary misunderstandings. Good luck and I hope that it'll all go well!

It's good advice and I appreciate it! You're very right about the beating around the bush. It's going to be so painful to just come out about it but I can only imagine putting it off is only going to stress her out more. It doesn't help we both have pretty bad anxiety! 

 

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. ❤️ 

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