understanding intellectually vs emotionally

[Aslynn]

God I am glad I have found this thread...why is there no group for allos on Facebook? 😕 Hi, I am here because My husband of 17 yrs has come out as asexual, and has admitted to not finding me sexually attractive.....all I can say is While I am happy there is finaly a reason for all the problems we have had in that department. I am having a hard time coming to terms with it. Dont get me wrong...If thats the way he is, then so be it. But because I am so close to this....argh I dont know. I went from feeling elated to knowing it 'not me' (as I always thought maybe I wasnt thin enough, didnt wear right stuff etc) to feeling a fool for trying to solicit feelings from my husband that just were not there 😕. Couple all this with the fact he doesnt really like to talk...only does because I want to (alot like our sexual history, he admitted to only doing it because I wanted to (he is sexpositive) (I wanted him, to 'want 'to do it 😦)) and I just feel lost and hopeless. I am desperatly trying to emotionally understand his love for me (Its wierd because I can intellectually understand it, but I am just not 'emotionally' understanding it ) yes ,yes he has 'commited' to me, he works to provide for us, he 'comes home' to me, would not want to be without me (niether would I for him), So why am I feeling so numb??? And just not proccessing this???? Help!!!

Thanks for listening.

[Telecaster68]

I generally find my emotional understanding and acceptance of things like this takes time to catch up with what I can grasp quickly intellectually. There's nothing to be done except wait. 

 

And it might be that while you can understand it emotionally, it'll never be enough to make you feel loved in the way you want and need. After all, an asexual can't desire anyone sexually, so short of sustaining Oscar worthy acting for years on end, they just can't show it, because there's nothing to show. 

 

Some asexuals enjoy the physical sensation as a kind of less convenient form of masturbation that just happens to include a partner, and like being able to give you pleasure. But they don't feel any desire themselves, so that part is always going to be missing. 

 

That's the space where compromise might be able to happen, for both partners. But then again, it might not, or it might not be sustainable. 

[Cobie]

41 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I generally find my emotional understanding and acceptance of things like this takes time to catch up with what I can grasp quickly intellectually. There's nothing to be done except wait ...

That’s how it works for me too. 😊

 

@Aslynn Welcome to Aven. 🍰

[Aslynn]

Thank you for replying. I guess its just going to have to be a 'wait and see' on the emotional front. I guess I am a bit scared I am just not going to ever 'emotionally' understand....at the moment I am blowing hot and cold. Was hoping that the 'answer' to all these years of frustrations I have experienced, meant I would still not be experiencing the swing between...everything fine if I am not thinking about it...to....really feeling the lack of 'want' on my husbands part, and getting all upset and shouty 😕

I am also struggling with the fact that although he is happy to respond if I initiate....now I know he has no desire in that area for me....I am loosing the connection I feel 😦 blurg.

 

Before I knew this...I thought that he did feel desire, but just had a low lebido. The truth is gutting. 😧 

[anisotrophic]

Hey @Aslynn, welcome to these forums and thank you for sharing your story!

I think you have lots of reasons to be optimistic, but even in the most optimistic scenario, it's going to take time. And god, the emotions! There's so many different feelings to have! Enormous relief ("it's not me", after years of it impacting self esteem)... feeling stupid ("why did I keep trying for something impossible?"), feeling angry ("why did it take so long?"), feeling lonely or like a failure (it's very hard for others to understand this is no one's fault, and can't be "fixed"!).

Reasons to be optimistic: it seems that your partner isn't completely avoidant (he's not great at talking, but he came out to you), and he's amenable to sexual intimacy -- provided you initiate and lead. Those are great things going in your favor. But there's still a long way to go -- trying to learn how to be happy with what you have.

I was in a similar place 4 to 5 months ago. My partner is happy to respond if I initiate -- and reports it feels good -- but has no desire for me (or others). (This can be a bit frustrating to wrap my head around. One comparison is like this: you might enjoy attending a concert or sporting event when someone else asks you to join... but you never pay any attention to music artists or athletic teams, and never feel any desire to listen or watch these things?) I'll share a bit of what's happened with me, in case it helps you...

 

Having these forums helped. These days I count myself as very lucky -- if you hang around here for a while, you might hear stories from people in more difficult situations. But even with my luck, it's taken months. There are still times I'm sad, but less of them. Of all the emotions, I found the longest one has been the mourning -- accepting that I'll have never have some things. I think grief is natural, and it's okay to feel it, and it takes a lot of time. I suspect it never goes away completely.

And with sex... I had to adapt and learn how to enjoy intimacy with someone that loves me but isn't attracted to me. That might not be possible for everyone. It took me a lot of effort to get there. (At first I'd avoid it entirely. Or make an abortive effort at intimacy, but breaking down and crying. 😕) I can't guarantee success, but even in the best case scenario, I think it takes time -- and I hope I've given you some reasons for hope!

And come here when you're feeling down! Read others' stories too. Maybe someday you'll be one that can share advice or lend a sympathetic ear. 😉

[Aslynn]

Thank you @anisotropic you have given me hope. I too am at the avoidence of sex stage due to the very thing you have stated...getting my head around the fact he does love me, but is just not attracted to me. And yes I think I am in a greif state, a loss. It is so hard to explain.

Time to leave the past where it is, and work towards forging a new future. Wish me luck.

[max9701]

18 minutes ago, Aslynn said:

Thank you @anisotropic you have given me hope. I too am at the avoidence of sex stage due to the very thing you have stated...getting my head around the fact he does love me, but is just not attracted to me. 

That's about where I'm at with my wife, who's asexual. After years without sex or much romance, to me she's my very best friend, closer than anyone, but to her I'm her lover and the one she wants to spend her life with. So can I go on without a lover? Just don't know.

[Aslynn]

@max9701 I was just thinking that today...we are super best friends and allies in life..but...are we lovers? Not as I an allo understands it 😕 , but I just know, that my husband would say yes we are. I dunno its kinda becoming not only a missmatch in orientation, but a missmatch in understanding of language! I think as long as we both put effort into learning these nuances then...well, just have to see how it goes. And only time can do that. It does feel like being between a 'rock and a hard place' I dont want to live without him....but not sure if I can live without being desired.

[anisotrophic]

Well, I pushed myself to keep trying. Which is to say, one reason I feel very lucky is that we were never here:
 

5 hours ago, max9701 said:

years without sex or much romance

We never had stopped having sex, but (unsurprisingly) it had been me sustaining it. He was clear that he was okay with it continuing, if I wanted to. I'm not sure, but it sounded like @Aslynn might be saying intimacy hasn't died for them either, but that it was troubled?
 

Anyway, I kept trying. Habits die hard? "Exposure therapy", to see if I could become happy with a new normal? Maybe I had to reach a state of "IDGAF if I'm desired! I'm gonna ask for what I want!" A weird selfish/loving mix in this. 😬

One thing that bothered me was how disempowered I felt, with the asymmetry of the desire I felt. Like I was seeking an act of charity, it felt so unfair! Maybe I felt shame, or helpless? I think this only waned with repetition and reassurance.

Another thing that bothered me was how the intimacy I demanded felt coercive. We had a long talk, and I went over a virtual checklist of things I had desire to do. I think that very explicit discussion was important to have!

I wish I could reciprocate, but he has no desires to satisfy. I remind myself that the reciprocity can happen in other ways, in a more global sense.

[Skywise]

On 6/22/2018 at 8:15 AM, Aslynn said:

God I am glad I have found this thread...why is there no group for allos on Facebook? 😕 Hi, I am here because My husband of 17 yrs has come out as asexual, and has admitted to not finding me sexually attractive.....all I can say is While I am happy there is finaly a reason for all the problems we have had in that department. I am having a hard time coming to terms with it. Dont get me wrong...If thats the way he is, then so be it. But because I am so close to this....argh I dont know. I went from feeling elated to knowing it 'not me' (as I always thought maybe I wasnt thin enough, didnt wear right stuff etc) to feeling a fool for trying to solicit feelings from my husband that just were not there 

I am so very there with you.  I am in a similar position of over 20 years married, 25 together.  2 teenagers.  My wife came out asexual a few weeks ago.  I completely understand the dichotomy of relief and lose.  I can tell you, I have eaten more ice cream in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 5 years.  Probably not the most healthy response, and I will be back to gym soon.  Knowing that it is not me being attractive enough is such a relief.  It is my wife being unable to feel attraction.

 

This morning she told me she thought we should have sex. WTF.  It is now like looking at a manikin or a picture.  She is still so gorgeous to me, but now knowing there is no reciprocal desire it would be like making love to a doll.

 

I am glad you heard from others with different views and maybe I will move towards something like that.

[MrDane]

Well, @Aslynn this is hard, I know. He will never desire you, look at you and consider you to be deliciously hot. He may enjoy sex, but it will seem more like a mutual masturbation or a nice genital massage with a happy ending. It will never rock his world and the last dimension of hot, horny, mutually lustful fucking is gone forever. 

But if you love eachother and both wants to work on this and have a good life together and a promising future and he wants to keep giving you the ‘drug’ you need to be healthy, happy and sane, then you need to find solutions. Not stupid compromises. Agreements and deals about how to keep being intimate and you getting your sex, done with love. A chore of love. Not a choir of love. 

 

I was 15+ years into my marriage, before realizing that she was asexual. A couple of years after ‘the revelation’, I still use an enormous amount of time/energy on dealing with it. Occasionally, I get sad or feel lonely or get irritated , but the bottomline is, that we love eachother and life without her would suck so freggin much that it seems ridicolous to think about leaving , just to get looked at with horny eyes.

[uhtred]

I've never gotten over it, just made myself numb.  Most of the time its OK, but every now and then there are reminders that just hurt.   We just spent several days in a tropical resort - palm trees, sunsets over the ocean during romantic dinners, the whole works. Lots of free time.  She says she had a great time, it was a wonderful trip - but not once was she interested in sex. She actually mentioned at one point, that "I guess we were too busy".  All around us are loving couples and I know that they didn't spend their evenings watching TV or on FB.  (or maybe some did and just hid it as well as we do). 

 

Mixed marriages are usually miserable for one  or sometimes both people. 

[anisotrophic]

On 6/23/2018 at 7:38 PM, Skywise said:

I can tell you, I have eaten more ice cream in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 5 years.  Probably not the most healthy response, and I will be back to gym soon.  Knowing that it is not me being attractive enough is such a relief.  It is my wife being unable to feel attraction.

I got into the Halo Top ice cream for a while... 😕

 

On 6/23/2018 at 7:38 PM, Skywise said:

This morning she told me she thought we should have sex. WTF.  It is now like looking at a manikin or a picture.  She is still so gorgeous to me, but now knowing there is no reciprocal desire it would be like making love to a doll.

I flipped out when my partner did this. "How can you say that and not be attracted to me?!?" But it's because he wants me to be happy, because he loves me, he knows it matters to me, and it's not a huge chore. (And I remind myself that prostitutes seem fairly capable of sex without attraction, for financial incentives.)

 

so yeah, at first I couldn't feel anything, but libido creeps up. 😬 and when I felt that, I pushed myself into going ahead with it (instead of going solo) and figuring out how to be happy with it. And it's stupid but ... it does seem to matter to me.

I mean, lately I realized I've been miserable and picking fights... but then I'm on cloud 9 when I get laid. Yes... intimacy is very different now, I don't expect him to have desire, I'll lead, I'm begging or demanding his participation. I really don't mean to be so awful about it... honest, I keep checking in and apologizing and saying thank you, and I'm thankful he's not sex repulsed. He shows love in many other ways, but my emotions are just... not rational. Even if he's just doing it to make me happy, I guess I'm feeling pretty lucky with that. because, I hate to admit, that actually works. I am that simple.

Which is to say, if your ace partner is offering... it's hard, but may be worth trying to learn to be happy with it (not saying this is easy, and might not work for you). if you get anywhere, it won't be what you hoped for, but it might be good in a different way, and the alternative seems guaranteed to be bleak.