I'm confused about my sexual/romantic attractions and I don't want to lead this guy on

[ghostea]

I [NB] am confused about both my sexuality and romantic attraction. I thought I had it all figured out but now I've hit a huge road block and I have no where and no one to turn to in my life (you would not believe how happy I was to find this site!). I've dated before, all people who identify as female and it felt right and natural to me. But now I'm seeing this guy (identifies as male) and it feels really weird and it doesn't help that he is way more into me than I am into him and we've only had two dates and a couple of texts all together. Does it feel weird because I've never dated a guy before? Does it feel wrong because he's overly clingy and that I can already see this relationship going down hill? Should it even feel weird at all? Does that mean I might only be attracted to girls and enbys? Is that even a thing? I'm also questioning my romantic attractions as seeing this guy has helped me reflect on my previous relationships and realise that I've never been in love with any of them. Sure, I felt strongly towards these people otherwise I wouldn't have dated them, but its now clear to me that what I felt for them wasn't love but it was more than friendship? Or maybe it's just because of where I am currently in life and within myself that I can't make those sorts of connections with people as I view everything else as more important (my writing and research, making sure my sister and mum are okay, keeping on top of taking care of myself etc).

 

tldr; I thought I was panromantic but I think I just don't like guys, or maybe its just this one guy? I also think I don't feel romantic attraction in the same way other people do? I am very confused and very alone right now. Any advice or conversation is welcome and I am so happy to have found this site/community.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

It could be that you're not used to dating guys, and that's why it feels weird to you.

But I can't know for sure since I can't look inside your head.
There are also other forms of attraction besides Sexual and Romantic.
Here, this often posted image explains some of them,

[ghostea]

Thanks Michael! That picture does help a bit! I can definitely relate to having/wanting a 'squish' (bizarre word choice but alright) but I also experience crushes? Or at least what I think are crushes...? But this at least has given me something to ponder, now all I have that's really bothering me is how I tell this guy, it took him a while to wrap his head around the fact I'm asexual so I can't see this ending well...

[Dawning]

Since you've only had a couple of dates with this guy, I'd say just cut your losses, gently of course, and move on; it's not like you're destroying someone's life after only 2 dates.

 

Do either of these terms ring true to you:

 

Gyneromantic - Is someone who is romantically attracted to femininity, the female sex and female identifying/presenting people.

 

Polyromantic - Is someone who experiences romantic attraction towards people of more than one sex or gender, but not all. Unlike panromantic, this term implies that sex or gender is still a factor in attraction, and it does not imply the gender binary as biromantic does.

[ghostea]

Thanks Dawning! The first one definitely! But then is it okay if I still feel romantically attracted to non-binary people?

 

It's a little scary, I've not had the best experience with men and already he seems really controlling? Do you have any advice on how to go about this safely?

[Dawning]

It's OK for you to be romantically attracted to anyone you want! Non-binary people can be many different degrees of feminine, and it would still count as Gyneromantic if you were attracted to them. If you find yourself attracted to people who are male or masculine, or anything else, that's totally fine too, it just means that maybe a different label would fit you better.

 

It sounds like you want to get away from this guy, and if he is trying to control you, the sooner you get away from him the better. If you're concerned about your safety, don't break up with him in person! Call him, or send a text or email. Be gentle and kind, tell him that you think that he's a terrific guy, but that the two of you are not a match. If you feel like telling him that you want to be with a woman, that might be easiest on his ego, but you are under no obligation to reveal anything to him if you don't want to.

 

When you're ready to date again, date someone who makes you feel good!

[ghostea]

Thanks for helping me figure this out a bit more Dawning, I'm the only asexual person I know so this site was an awesome find! It's nice to talk to other queer people for once, I usually feel alone a lot of the time. 

 

I mean, he's really nice but he's not 100% about parts of my identity when he asked for a more in-depth explanation for why I just call myself 'queer' (it's easier than the whole mouthful ^^; ). He seems under the impression that if I were to date him my identity must change but that really isn't the case? I hope I don't run into lots more of that but I guess that's wishful thinking. Thank you so much for the advice, I get too worried about turning to people I know irl about these kinds of things. I'll shoot him text and let him down gently, again! thank you so much for helping me out!

[Dawning]

I'm happy to be able to help! Your identity only changes when you want it to; unfortunately, you may encounter people who think they should get a vote, but of course they don't. Let me know how it turns out!

[ghostea]

It went better than I thought it would! I did end up explaining more of the whys when he asked and then he apologised about making me feel that way and he hopes we can stay friends because he still really likes me despite us not being romantically compatible. I'm still mulling it over but I've never had anyone realise they upset someone, accept it and apologise before. Weird.

 

I feel so relieved to have gotten through this and had people who I could talk to about it! I finally feel like I'm apart of a community even if its just online! 

[Dawning]

I'm so glad to hear that it went well! By all means stay friends with him if you want to, but be warned, sometimes men say that because they're hoping to have the inside track to try to spring sex on you again.

 

Give yourself a little time to recover emotionally, and the next time, look for someone who will love and accept you exactly as you are, and who can give you the things that you want; you deserve it!

[ghostea]

I'll be sure to do that! one of my 'friends' told me I was being too picky but I don't think its unreasonable to want to date someone who actually loves and accepts your identity??  

[Dawning]

You're right to put "friends" in quotes! The absolutely most basic thing about love is acceptance of who you are, and loving you for who you are. If someone can't manage that, then what are they loving exactly? It certainly isn't you! The big wave of knowledge and acceptance about people like you and me is just getting started; hang in there, this will get easier soon!