Trans, gray ace, and confused about my sexual attraction / desires

[astrokari]

I've comfortably identified as gray ace for the last few years, but I'm starting to question this conclusion and I need some help to clarify things. 

Brief background: I'm a trans woman and I don't experience sexual attraction / desire most of the time or for most people. Once in a great while I'll feel attracted to someone - albeit very inconsistently once it happens. I have almost no libido, but I do occasionally masturbate.
 

What's confusing me is the nature of my occasional attractions, desires, and fantasies. I recently realized that, at their core, *all* my past and present sexual fantasies focus on imagining what it's like to be another (typically cis) woman. It’s all about empathizing with their experience in their body - and has little to nothing to do with me or other partners (I’m usually not present in fantasies. If I am, there's no physical contact). 
 

In the rare moments that I’m attracted to a specific person or desire partnered sex with them, it’s to focus on their pleasure, which I then experience empathically. I do get aroused by this, but then have difficulty sustaining my own focus, pleasure, and presence in my body when it’s ‘my turn’ for attention. I’m sure that my mild-to-moderate body dysphoria complicates things a bit here, but I’m typically fine when I masturbate solo.
 

In all, this type of attraction and desire is confusing the heck out of me, and I’m not really sure if it’s 'true' attraction to another person or just a manifestation of wishes for my body and my sensual experiences. Like, If I were perfectly content with my body / had the body that feels right to me, I’m not sure that I’d feel sexual attraction or desire for other people. I don't think I'd desire partnered sex. Hmmm, maybe I answered my own question just now? What do y’all think?

[gner0]

Sounds to me like you are a method actress! Sorta joking, but I can somewhat relate. I have moments where I try to pretend I'm a sexual woman and go over the scenes in my head but I guess looking back I rarely if ever at all imagined MYSELF sexually interacting with some I was interested in which I feel like is part of me being Ace. I also have found myself to want to engage sexually but it's more about the emotional intimacy, and at the core of it, wasn't necessary. I never liked to be the one to be "pleasured" much as it made me think about myself being sexual which I did not like. And I found myself able to be aroused when engaging sexually but that was more of my body responding to the moment rather than me being sexually attracted. I too don't masturbate much at all but if I do, I function fine it's just not something I care to do often.

 

I like to always propose the question to help clarify one's asexual identity or not, "If you were to never have sex again, would you be happy?" You very well could be Gray-A experiencing sexual attraction rarely, randomly but I honestly feel like nothing you said shouted "not Ace" to me. Pick the thing that feels most comfortable to you! (And yes, I think you answered it 😝)

[astrokari]

Thank you for your thoughtful, welcoming response. I'm reassured, and I relate a lot to what you just shared about your experiences - especially about engaging sexually for emotional intimacy and how your body responds to the moment in lieu of attraction. 

To explore your identity-clarifying question, I would definitely be happy if nobody else ever wanted or expected me to be sexual. Importantly, my sense of happiness and well-being (and wholeness as a person) doesn't require sex at all. Perhaps it's telling that the things I most desire with another person are emotional connection / vulnerability, and my ideal relationships are queerplatonic or romantic Ace ones. I still have lots to think about here, but I feel like I'm inching closer to understanding myself as asexual. Thanks again for your insight. 

[Dawning]

Does this ring true for you at all:

 

Autochorissexual
The term autochorissexual was coined by Anthony Bogaert and is derived from ‘autochoris’ which translates to 'identity-less sexuality’. It is a subset of asexuality which is defined as: a disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein.
Autochorissexuals are known to:

Get aroused by sexual content but not actually want to engage in any sexual activities
Masturbate, but are neutral or repulsed by the idea of having sex with another person.
Fantasize about sex, but envision people other than themselves, and/or view it in third person, as though they're watching it on TV, rather than imagining it in first person, through their own eyes.
Predominantly or entirely fantasize about fictional characters or celebrities, rather than people in real life they know.
Identify as asexual and feel no sexual attraction to people, but enjoy masturbating, are aroused by sexually explicit content, and/or have sexual fantasies.
While this mostly occurs in asexual people, an analogous feeling may occur in aromantic people with romantic fantasies instead of sexual ones.

[astrokari]

I think a lot of this definition fits for me. I'm glad there are other people with similar experiences, because it's been a little bewildering!

 

 i’m also realizing that I’m not really attracted to others the way that allosexual people are.  More specifics to come in another comment. 

[astrokari]

Since thinking over these posts and doing some more reading, I now understand that I'm not really sexually attracted to other people. However, I can (confusingly) experience arousal in two specific ways:

 

1. When I see / hear someone experiencing sexual pleasure. This can be in fictional media, porn, or in real life - I'll be aroused by an instant empathic sense of what the other person is experiencing. 

 

2. I imagine myself with another body that feels more 'me'. E.g. I'll see another person I relate to somehow and feel a physical/emotional 'twinge' as I imagine what it might be like to look/feel like that person. For the longest time, I mistook this for sexual attraction. It's hard to describe, but this experience feels quite distinct from finding someone (or parts of their body) attractive, and it has nothing to do with wanting sex with them. 

 

Another interesting realization is that I've never experienced satisfying sexual pleasure with a partner unless:

* I'm focused exclusively on empathizing with their pleasure (and feeling detached from my body), or:

* I focus on my body and exclusively what I'm feeling - and kind of dissociate from everything else. 

 

My key takeaway is that I've never had partnered sex where I simply feel present in my body and in the moment with the other person. Whenever that happens, I stopped being aroused or even all that interested in what's happening. This explains a lot about my inconsistent and often frustrating sex life. 

 

I realize that this all sort of restates my original post, but I'm feeling a bit clearer about things in this light. All told, I think I'm probably Asexual (with some autochorissexual characteristics thrown in). That feels more accurate than 'Gray-A', and it certainly explains a lot more about my relationships, and, well, everything. I have more to think about, of course, and I appreciate any follow-up commentary that might help clarify things further. 

 

Thanks 😌

[Bloc]

22 hours ago, astrokari said:

Since thinking over these posts and doing some more reading, I now understand that I'm not really sexually attracted to other people. However, I can (confusingly) experience arousal in two specific ways:

 

1. When I see / hear someone experiencing sexual pleasure. This can be in fictional media, porn, or in real life - I'll be aroused by an instant empathic sense of what the other person is experiencing. 

 

2. I imagine myself with another body that feels more 'me'. E.g. I'll see another person I relate to somehow and feel a physical/emotional 'twinge' as I imagine what it might be like to look/feel like that person. For the longest time, I mistook this for sexual attraction. It's hard to describe, but this experience feels quite distinct from finding someone (or parts of their body) attractive, and it has nothing to do with wanting sex with them. 

 

Another interesting realization is that I've never experienced satisfying sexual pleasure with a partner unless:

* I'm focused exclusively on empathizing with their pleasure (and feeling detached from my body), or:

* I focus on my body and exclusively what I'm feeling - and kind of dissociate from everything else. 

 

My key takeaway is that I've never had partnered sex where I simply feel present in my body and in the moment with the other person. Whenever that happens, I stopped being aroused or even all that interested in what's happening. This explains a lot about my inconsistent and often frustrating sex life. 

 

I realize that this all sort of restates my original post, but I'm feeling a bit clearer about things in this light. All told, I think I'm probably Asexual (with some autochorissexual characteristics thrown in). That feels more accurate than 'Gray-A', and it certainly explains a lot more about my relationships, and, well, everything. I have more to think about, of course, and I appreciate any follow-up commentary that might help clarify things further. 

 

Thanks 😌

You just described how I feel about sex.

[Dawning]

It sounds like you're making significant strides towards understanding yourself, which is awesome! It might help to keep a journal of any thoughts, feelings, fantasies, or experiences you have that are sexual, which could allow you see additional patterns. The only other thing that comes to my mind that might be helpful for you is that it sounds like you would do best in a sexual situation where only one person is giving and only one person receiving at any given time. Because this is not really an interest, or even within the ability, of many people, you might want to consider light bondage, nothing dangerous or extreme, just enough to create a situation where it's not possible for the receiver to do anything but receive, which would then allow you to be undistracted whichever role you were playing. Needless to say, don't even consider this unless you trust the person, and proper precautions are taken to prevent injury!

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 6/21/2018 at 10:39 AM, gner0 said:

I like to always propose the question to help clarify one's asexual identity or not, "If you were to never have sex again, would you be happy?"

Why the "again"? Why assume asking this question to someone who has had sex, and/or why assume that sexually unexperienced people are rare even in our community (which is far from true)? Just add a parenthesis, as in "If you were never to have sex (again)". Such a version would be inclusive for people who have never had sex - and some of them are convinced that not having sex is their preference, "despite" having no experience...

[gner0]

1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Why the "again"? Why assume asking this question to someone who has had sex, and/or why assume that sexually unexperienced people are rare even in our community (which is far from true)? Just add a parenthesis, as in "If you were never to have sex (again)". Such a version would be inclusive for people who have never had sex - and some of them are convinced that not having sex is their preference, "despite" having no experience...

Probably had more to relate to myself than anything as I am someone who has had sex and would be more than happy to never have it again. Also, in this specific situation to which I was proposing the question to, this person also has had sex. I acknowledge that there are many aces who have never had sex and are okay with that. There are also many that have had it only to not want to have it again. Either way, the op understood what I was trying to get at so I don't see an issue with this specific way I asked. I obviously would never ask it that way to someone who has not had sex.