*☆★Darth Marshmallow! ★☆* Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 When I found my label of "asexual", I didn't question and/or think about my romantic orientation much. I just went along with "panromantic" because I could care less about gender. ( I figured out I'm actually gray ace tho) Recently I've been identifying as demi-panromantic, but then I read an article made by an aro ace about aromanticism. I related to a lot of it, and now I'm questioning... What DOES romantic attraction feel like? How do I know if I'm, say...gray-aromantic? Or...o my I'm so confused I'm in a relationship with my best friend, but do I really feel for him romantically? I mean, we are best friends and were beforehand.... This is all over the place, I'm tired... //Edit: I figured some stuff out, thought it over...me and the said best friend talked too, so now we're in a queerplatonic relationship because that fits better! Thanks to the couple of people who replied, that one link to a list of romantic orientations helped a lot. I'm still not 100% sure, so I'm identifying as aroflux because I think it fits the best, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Dawning Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 There seem to be a wide variety of definitions or descriptions of what romantic attraction is or feels like. I see it as a desire for connection and interaction that is beyond what I would have with a family member, or someone I definitely see as just a friend. With someone I feel romantic attraction to, I would typically like to have hugs that go on long enough that they start shading towards cuddles, and also cuddles themselves. But it might feel totally different for you. For myself, I'm starting to feel like I need a term somewhere between gray and demi. It's been a long time since I felt romantic attraction, but I think it might have only been secondary romantic attraction, which is what demi means… but, I rarely feel anything like this, and I only want a limited part of what is normally considered a romantic relationship, which is gray… but demi is considered part of gray… so now, I'm pondering some of the terms here, maybe one of which might ring true to you: http://www.arocalypse.com/forums/topic/1135-comprehensive-list-of-romantic-orientations/ Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 21, 2018 Share Posted June 21, 2018 Hey there! I identify as grayromantic, because I rarely experience romantic attraction. As far as I'm aware, I've only felt real romantic attraction twice in my life. However, I still want a romantic relationship! For me, it's like wanting to eat food but there's nothing that looks good. I want a relationship, but I don't have a crush on anyone. I hope that makes sense and maybe makes things a little clearer? I can also say that I compared my feelings for a crush to my feelings for my bff, and saw noticeable differences, mainly that I don't fantasize about holding hands or cuddling with my bff, and although I would be open to doing those things with my bff it's not something that's super important to me in our relationship. Sorry this got kinda rambly lol hope I helped a little! Link to post Share on other sites
*☆★Darth Marshmallow! ★☆* Posted June 30, 2018 Author Share Posted June 30, 2018 On 6/20/2018 at 5:22 AM, Dawning said: There seem to be a wide variety of definitions or descriptions of what romantic attraction is or feels like. I see it as a desire for connection and interaction that is beyond what I would have with a family member, or someone I definitely see as just a friend. With someone I feel romantic attraction to, I would typically like to have hugs that go on long enough that they start shading towards cuddles, and also cuddles themselves. But it might feel totally different for you. For myself, I'm starting to feel like I need a term somewhere between gray and demi. It's been a long time since I felt romantic attraction, but I think it might have only been secondary romantic attraction, which is what demi means… but, I rarely feel anything like this, and I only want a limited part of what is normally considered a romantic relationship, which is gray… but demi is considered part of gray… so now, I'm pondering some of the terms here, maybe one of which might ring true to you: http://www.arocalypse.com/forums/topic/1135-comprehensive-list-of-romantic-orientations/ Thank you! This was really helpful (the link) Link to post Share on other sites
Éadweard Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 If I’d ever felt it I would tell you... Link to post Share on other sites
Pramana Posted June 30, 2018 Share Posted June 30, 2018 Here is the list I always quote in response to this type of question:"1. the loved person takes on “special meaning.” As one of Tennov's informants phrased it, “My whole world had been transformed. It had a new center, and that center was Marilyn” (Tennov 1979:18). This phenomenon is coupled with the inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time;2. intrusive thinking about the loved person;3. crystallization, or the tendency to focus on the loved person's positive qualities and overlook or falsely appraise his/her negative traits;4. labile psychophysiological responses to the loved person, including exhilaration, euphoria, buoyance, spiritual feelings, feelings of fusion with the loved person, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, shyness, awkwardness, trembling, pallor, flushing, stammering, aching of the “heart,” inappropriate laughing, gazing, prolonged eye contact, butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, weak knees, dilated pupils, dizziness, a pounding heart, accelerated breathing, uncertainty, anxiety, panic, and/or fear in the presence of the loved person;5. a longing for emotional reciprocity coupled with the desire to achieve emotional union with the loved person;6. emotional dependency on the relationship with the loved person, including feelings of hope, apprehension, possessiveness, preoccupation with the beloved, hypersensitivity to cues given by the beloved, inability to concentrate on matters unrelated to the beloved, jealousy, emotional vulnerability, fear of rejection by the beloved, fantasies about the loved person, separation anxiety, and swings in mood associated with the fluctuating state of the relationship, as well as feelings of despair, lack of optimism, listlessness, brooding, and loss of hope during a temporary setback in therelationship or after rejection by the loved person;7. a powerful sense of empathy toward the loved person, including a feeling of responsibility for the beloved and a willingness to sacrifice for the loved person;8. a reordering of daily priorities to be available to the loved person coupled with the impulse to make a certain impression on the loved person, including changing one's clothing, mannerisms, habits, or values;9. an intensification of passionate feelings caused by adversity in the relationship;10. a sexual desire for the target of infatuation coupled with the desire for sexual exclusivity;11. the precedence of the craving for emotional union over the desire for sexual union with the beloved;12. the feeling that one's romantic passion is involuntary and uncontrollable."Helen E. Fisher. “Lust, Attraction, and Attachment in Mammalian Reproduction.” Human Nature 9, no. 1 (1998): 23-52. Link to post Share on other sites
Dande Posted July 1, 2018 Share Posted July 1, 2018 13 hours ago, Pramana said: Here is the list I always quote in response to this type of question:"1. the loved person takes on “special meaning.” As one of Tennov's informants phrased it, “My whole world had been transformed. It had a new center, and that center was Marilyn” (Tennov 1979:18). This phenomenon is coupled with the inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time;2. intrusive thinking about the loved person;3. crystallization, or the tendency to focus on the loved person's positive qualities and overlook or falsely appraise his/her negative traits;4. labile psychophysiological responses to the loved person, including exhilaration, euphoria, buoyance, spiritual feelings, feelings of fusion with the loved person, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, shyness, awkwardness, trembling, pallor, flushing, stammering, aching of the “heart,” inappropriate laughing, gazing, prolonged eye contact, butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, weak knees, dilated pupils, dizziness, a pounding heart, accelerated breathing, uncertainty, anxiety, panic, and/or fear in the presence of the loved person;5. a longing for emotional reciprocity coupled with the desire to achieve emotional union with the loved person;6. emotional dependency on the relationship with the loved person, including feelings of hope, apprehension, possessiveness, preoccupation with the beloved, hypersensitivity to cues given by the beloved, inability to concentrate on matters unrelated to the beloved, jealousy, emotional vulnerability, fear of rejection by the beloved, fantasies about the loved person, separation anxiety, and swings in mood associated with the fluctuating state of the relationship, as well as feelings of despair, lack of optimism, listlessness, brooding, and loss of hope during a temporary setback in therelationship or after rejection by the loved person;7. a powerful sense of empathy toward the loved person, including a feeling of responsibility for the beloved and a willingness to sacrifice for the loved person;8. a reordering of daily priorities to be available to the loved person coupled with the impulse to make a certain impression on the loved person, including changing one's clothing, mannerisms, habits, or values;9. an intensification of passionate feelings caused by adversity in the relationship;10. a sexual desire for the target of infatuation coupled with the desire for sexual exclusivity;11. the precedence of the craving for emotional union over the desire for sexual union with the beloved;12. the feeling that one's romantic passion is involuntary and uncontrollable."Helen E. Fisher. “Lust, Attraction, and Attachment in Mammalian Reproduction.” Human Nature 9, no. 1 (1998): 23-52. I need to bookmark this. This is the best explanation of attraction that I've ever seen. If this is about romantic feelings.....then I guess I have had romantic feelings twice in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 That's a fantastic list. It kind of reads like the symptoms of a disease. Maybe love is a disease? Link to post Share on other sites
Dande Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 3 minutes ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said: That's a fantastic list. It kind of reads like the symptoms of a disease. Maybe love is a disease? I've always thought so. It overrides all logic and reason. Kind of makes people delusional when ya think about it, as a disease. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluffy Femme Guy Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 On 6/20/2018 at 5:22 AM, Dawning said: For myself, I'm starting to feel like I need a term somewhere between gray and demi. It's been a long time since I felt romantic attraction, but I think it might have only been secondary romantic attraction, which is what demi means… but, I rarely feel anything like this, and I only want a limited part of what is normally considered a romantic relationship, which is gray… but demi is considered part of gray… I'm kinda in the same boat except I'm not interested in romance now, but I have been in the past, which means I am capable of having those types of emotions. My proposed solution (not that you have to adopt it) is to use BOTH terms TOGETHER. "I'm a gray demiromantic...", etc. Link to post Share on other sites
RakshaTheCat Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 I definitely don't have that many bad symptoms like in that list Pramana posted... I just like sharing my life with someone special, its very pleasant experience for me Anyone else feels similar? Hard part is, finding someone compatible... Still, I seem to be making progress, since every relationship I entered so far, was better than previous one. I'm looking forward to the next one Link to post Share on other sites
Salmiakki Posted July 2, 2018 Share Posted July 2, 2018 On 6/30/2018 at 8:06 PM, Pramana said: Here is the list I always quote in response to this type of question:"1. the loved person takes on “special meaning.” As one of Tennov's informants phrased it, “My whole world had been transformed. It had a new center, and that center was Marilyn” (Tennov 1979:18). This phenomenon is coupled with the inability to feel romantic passion for more than one person at a time;2. intrusive thinking about the loved person;3. crystallization, or the tendency to focus on the loved person's positive qualities and overlook or falsely appraise his/her negative traits;4. labile psychophysiological responses to the loved person, including exhilaration, euphoria, buoyance, spiritual feelings, feelings of fusion with the loved person, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, shyness, awkwardness, trembling, pallor, flushing, stammering, aching of the “heart,” inappropriate laughing, gazing, prolonged eye contact, butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, weak knees, dilated pupils, dizziness, a pounding heart, accelerated breathing, uncertainty, anxiety, panic, and/or fear in the presence of the loved person;5. a longing for emotional reciprocity coupled with the desire to achieve emotional union with the loved person;6. emotional dependency on the relationship with the loved person, including feelings of hope, apprehension, possessiveness, preoccupation with the beloved, hypersensitivity to cues given by the beloved, inability to concentrate on matters unrelated to the beloved, jealousy, emotional vulnerability, fear of rejection by the beloved, fantasies about the loved person, separation anxiety, and swings in mood associated with the fluctuating state of the relationship, as well as feelings of despair, lack of optimism, listlessness, brooding, and loss of hope during a temporary setback in therelationship or after rejection by the loved person;7. a powerful sense of empathy toward the loved person, including a feeling of responsibility for the beloved and a willingness to sacrifice for the loved person;8. a reordering of daily priorities to be available to the loved person coupled with the impulse to make a certain impression on the loved person, including changing one's clothing, mannerisms, habits, or values;9. an intensification of passionate feelings caused by adversity in the relationship;10. a sexual desire for the target of infatuation coupled with the desire for sexual exclusivity;11. the precedence of the craving for emotional union over the desire for sexual union with the beloved;12. the feeling that one's romantic passion is involuntary and uncontrollable."Helen E. Fisher. “Lust, Attraction, and Attachment in Mammalian Reproduction.” Human Nature 9, no. 1 (1998): 23-52. I got like, almost all of these Link to post Share on other sites
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