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About porn for sexuals

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Serran said:

which doubles my jealousy at people saying a willing partner makes porn boring. I have never had anyone like me that way. Would be nice !

My most recent partner (you know of them) made any kind of porn boring for me, and I made porn boring for him too.. but that wasn't hard (okay, pun intended, LOL) as neither of us are really that into porn to begin with. Just something to get off to when you're too lazy to use your brain (and far less satisfactory) as far as I am concerned. And I'm sure your current partner likes you that way?? You're gorgeous (not to sound like a pervert, haha), and you're super intelligent and funny and kind as well. Porn can't compare to a package that good :)

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anamikanon

Wait. I think I get it now.

22 minutes ago, Serran said:

a willing partner makes porn boring.

For a sexual person who is not dysfunctionally addicted to porn, a willing partner will usually make porn "boring". Whether they say it or not. I think this may also be a communication issue, or something else if you believe your partner would prefer to watch porn rather than do you. Is that what you are saying?

 

For most porn watchers, the choice isn't between a partner and porn, but between porn and nothing/erotica/fantasizing in their head/etc to get off. a personal thing as opposed to interpersonal sex. Regardless of the nature of the fantasies.

 

22 minutes ago, Serran said:

I have never had anyone like me that way. Would be nice !

This sounds quite strange. I don't think I have ever had a sexual partner who watched porn if I was horny. I have never done it myself. 

 

But I think what you say now sounds like you feel displaced by the porn. 

 

Sometimes, for sexuals... sex can be too much, but they are aroused. Particularly if having sex can mean taking considerable time and energy. In my mind, this isn't choosing porn over you, it is two separate things. It is not wanting sex for whatever reasons AND wanting the relaxation of an orgasm with minimum fuss.

 

Though I can see how it can appear like you are being deprived of something important because they choose to spend sexual energy elsewhere.

 

If this is happening to you, you probably want to address feeling neglected with your partner. The porn is a symptom, not the cause. LDR, complicated sexuality, difficulty in initiating.... all this could be linked in the sense of them not realizing that you need more sex, even if you are not able to find adequate opportunities or initiate it. Or they may need to learn to "reserve" energy to enjoy sex. Or one or both of you may need to figure out a way to travel more to be with each other. LDR really screws up the sex life. The porn is little more than a comfortable default. It going away won't alter the requirement for some comfortable default masturbation and while their hands exist, it won't make them seek interpersonal sex either.

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Serran
23 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

My most recent partner (you know of them) made any kind of porn boring for me, and I made porn boring for him too.. but that wasn't hard (okay, pun intended, LOL) as neither of us are really that into porn to begin with. Just something to get off to when you're too lazy to use your brain (and far less satisfactory) as far as I am concerned. And I'm sure your current partner likes you that way?? You're gorgeous (not to sound like a pervert, haha), and you're super intelligent and funny and kind as well. Porn can't compare to a package that good :)

I know she loves me... but, no, I have never been sexually appealing and exciting enough for anyone for porn to be a last resort thing, or boring. I wish I was. But, I apparently either lack the sex appeal or just always date people who have a preference for the unrealistic impossible to beat variety. 

 

Why I said I am jealous that other people can do that for partners. Lol 

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ryn2

I guess my perspective is just different.  Even early in my relationships/between relationships when I have actually wanted partnered sex, there are still times I’d rather just masturbate.  When I do, I have a suite of tools that make the experience faster and better.  That’s when I go for porn, not as a substitute for my partner.

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anamikanon
On 8/9/2018 at 2:00 PM, Serran said:

I have never been sexually appealing and exciting enough for anyone for porn to be a last resort thing, or boring. I wish I was. But, I apparently either lack the sex appeal ...

Have you discussed this with your partner? What does she say to this?

 

From what you describe of your relationship, it is very loving. If you lacked sex appeal, she wouldn't want sex with you at all or would be reluctant. Instead, on another thread, you mention she wants you to initiate more. That doesn't sound like she doesn't find you sexually appealing, unless she is the type to tell you to be more sexy or something if you want her attention. Which, from your descriptions, she is not abusive. It sounded like she would very much like it. Why in the world would she like and want it if she didn't think you were sexually appealing and exciting?

 

Somewhere, there appears to be a very serious miscommunication/misconception going on. Either she is failing to convey her attraction to you or you have insecurities around your own sexual appeal that make you fail to register it. The facts - as stated by you - don't tally with you not being sexually appealing and exciting for your current partner as described by you. The porn shouldn't even be registering. Whether they continue to watch or ditch it. Instead, it has the power to make you insecure about your own desirability. This is not computing.

 

The issue is not that they are choosing porn over you, the issue is that you appear to believe that they aren't choosing you - porn is incidental. Please talk to her and explain your hurt. I am very sure this is not what she is doing and she has no idea it impacts you like this.

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MrDane

What I dislike about porn is that it is more connected to a set-up with money involved and not so much with people actually enjoying the sex. I can look and get aroused, but usually it feels like a lesser good substitute for your own imagination. (Or even lousy sex with your loved one)  Looking at porn, or using it, does not really feed my hunger. 

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anisotrophic

Wow I never read this thread, as I took a break. Kind of wild. @Serran's blanket partner is just horrible, JFC I'd be "ace" too. Jesus.

 

I didn't try porn until this last year. I complained to him, "ugh it's all so contrived and weird".

 

He gives me a look involving eyebrows. "I could've told you that?" (He has never used porn... he's just not interested in sex. So... in theory I meet @Serran's wish to be "so interesting to a partner that porn is boring"? Haha.)

 

Anyway I think it just made things worse (but hey it was worth a try), it left me feeling more messed up. I'm with @MrDane, if I'm going to diy I'm better off with my imagination.

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Lara Black

I’ll add another “Wow, I’ve never seen this thread before” belated post.)

 

I occasionally use porn (or hentai) as fuel for my DIY fantasies. I like fantasies much more, but sometimes it’s nice to check out new scenarios and such.)

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James121
On 6/20/2018 at 1:45 AM, Serran said:

If you had a willing, enthusiastic partner available whenever, would you ever choose porn over them?

Never! Never ever ever. Willing, enthusiastic partner should always come first.

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Serran
On 1/1/2019 at 9:42 PM, anisotropic said:

Wow I never read this thread, as I took a break. Kind of wild. @Serran's blanket partner is just horrible, JFC I'd be "ace" too. Jesus.

 

Haha yeah I know that would be a turn off for basically everyone. That was what he resorted to 8? Years into our relationship, 3 years into trying to figure out a compromise that works ... essentially it was "I need the frequency of oral 2-3 times a week, PiV 1-2 times a week, 40+ minutes straight penis stimulation, no foreplay and I aint kissing or caressing you first. If you find that unappealing, I will just put a blanket over your head and neck, leaving the chest down exposed for my use" 

 

Needless to say, I found it unappealing. My big ask in our "compromise" was to be kissed during sex, cause it gave me something I liked. And I mentioned wanting him to take his shirt off, cause him wearing two shirts during felt very.. disconnected, I like skin on skin touch. He found both requests too much. 

 

To update though on my previous posts, my current spouse and I have an agreement that seems to be working for us (for now). I have had other people offer similar and lie to me, so I still am a tiny bit insecure over the whole thing, but besides some occasional anxiety because of that we have been incident free for months now and she says that it meets her needs. So hopefully the issue is resolved. 

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James121
1 minute ago, Serran said:

 

Haha yeah I know that would be a turn off for basically everyone. That was what he resorted to 8? Years into our relationship, 3 years into trying to figure out a compromise that works ... essentially it was "I need the frequency of oral 2-3 times a week, PiV 1-2 times a week, 40+ minutes straight penis stimulation, no foreplay and I aint kissing or caressing you first. If you find that unappealing, I will just put a blanket over your head and neck, leaving the chest down exposed for my use" 

 

Needless to say, I found it unappealing. My big ask in our "compromise" was to be kissed during sex, cause it gave me something I liked. And I mentioned wanting him to take his shirt off, cause him wearing two shirts during felt very.. disconnected, I like skin on skin touch. He found both requests too much. 

 

To update though on my previous posts, my current spouse and I have an agreement that seems to be working for us (for now). I have had other people offer similar and lie to me, so I still am a tiny bit insecure over the whole thing, but besides some occasional anxiety because of that we have been incident free for months now and she says that it meets her needs. So hopefully the issue is resolved. 

The first relationship you described is nothing short of a disgrace. I can assure you that 99.9% of sexual men are nothing like that!

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Serran
2 minutes ago, James121 said:

The first relationship you described is nothing short of a disgrace. I can assure you that 99.9% of sexual men are nothing like that!

Well, I wouldnt say 99.9... Im sure there are probably 1% or so that are like that at least 😛

 

But yeah i know he isnt typical. I dated three others before him that were varying degrees of good to bad. First was lovely and got me over trauma based sex aversion. Second was just a clueless virgin. Third was... probably the downward step, he saw me as a trophy to show off to friends (look, the "fat kid" got the skinny girl in micro minis) and cared more about me showing off clothes he got me (all revealing ...) and jewelry he bought than what I wanted.

 

But, honestly, they all taught me something. So I dont regret any of them. If I hadnt had blanket ex, I probably wouldnt have ended up bonding with my current partner. And shes worth experiencing a sucky relationship 100x over. :)

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ryn2

He sounds like a... charmer, serran!  I can see one guy I briefly dated in college, who would never believe I wasn’t acting and always had to sniff the crotch of my jeans (while I was wearing them) to be “sure” I was legit “aroused,” turning out like that.  When I broke it off he went ballistic over how it was because I was from a stuck-up town and he was “from the wrong side of the tracks.”  Wrong, buddy; you’re just a creeper.

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Chimeric

I'm sexual and I basically never watch porn (maybe twice in the past three years?). Unless I am super horny, it skeeves me out. 😃 I'm much happier thinking about my partner, instead, and the scenarios my head plays out are way more intimate and way more satisfying than what porn can do for me!

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James121
21 hours ago, Chimeric said:

I'm sexual and I basically never watch porn (maybe twice in the past three years?). Unless I am super horny, it skeeves me out. 😃 I'm much happier thinking about my partner, instead, and the scenarios my head plays out are way more intimate and way more satisfying than what porn can do for me!

Under what circumstances would you think about your partner and fly solo as opposed to just having partnered sex with them? 

When they aren’t available?

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Chimeric
42 minutes ago, James121 said:

Under what circumstances would you think about your partner and fly solo as opposed to just having partnered sex with them? 

When they aren’t available? 

Well, the 4,000 miles worth of ocean between me and him make physical touch a bit difficult. 😃

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James121
5 hours ago, Chimeric said:

Well, the 4,000 miles worth of ocean between me and him make physical touch a bit difficult. 😃

I can see that! Good for you that you think about your partner! That’s really nice.

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HeyTay

This might sound weird, but I used porn to remind myself that sex is weird and awkward even for professionals 😂

 

I’m a female Demi-sexual. I like some kinks and role-play, so I will look for ideas in this realm occasionally. I’ve used porn a few times to masturbate when I want to ensure an orgasm with my partner later. I don’t refer to it or use it much at all anymore since I have become more comfortable. I wouldn’t choose porn or masturbation over my partner.

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HeyTay
On 1/3/2019 at 9:08 PM, James121 said:

The first relationship you described is nothing short of a disgrace. I can assure you that 99.9% of sexual men are nothing like that!

Hm. I’d say 93%. I’ve met a lot of jerks and have seen and had enough stalkers. Even had two male teachers that were fired for taking advantage of students. Sex Ed was pretty horrendous as well. Our male teacher told girls not to start anything, because boys will end it. “They just can’t control themselves!” Thanks, teach... you could have taught consent or safe sex... instead you taught trash 😕

 

@Serran

blanket ex sounds horrible. I am so happy that you got out of that and that you have built a relationship that makes you happy.

 

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