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About porn for sexuals

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LeDeer

I almost never watch porn, and 90% of the time it either disgusts me or just doesn't turn me on.

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Tarfeather

It's really difficult to find porn that arouses me. For me, I require a deep connection to what the woman is feeling, and most porn either doesn't do that, or does it in a way that's not very authentic. Fantasies work much better for that, as I can much more easily put myself into the position of the woman in my head, and have her react to what's happening in my fantasies. Masturbation actually works really well in this regard, because I can use the physical stimulation to simulate the "male" part of the act, while I can use my imagination to construct the female component.

 
As for a connection to what the woman is feeling, I find it funny that this video of woman playing a musical instrument does that far better for me than any porn I've seen thus far.
 
Spoiler

 

 

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SG100084

Bit like brushing my teeth. 10 minutes and done.
Usually try to find girls that look like my wife though. 

After discovering this community today, I think that might have to change and start broadening my horizons a bit.

Wouldn't use porn atall if I was getting some action.

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SG100084

Update... since starting my affair I have completely lost interest in porn...

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, SG100084 said:

Update... since starting my affair I have completely lost interest in porn...

Shocker.... :)

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SG100084

So much sexting atm I just don't need it right now… and she wants us to make our own.

Gone from one extreme to the other mate...

Also going round with a semi-permanent boners, the stuff she keeps writing to me.

 

 

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Telecaster68

Sounds like you've hit the jackpot...

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mcis

For another data point that there's a large diversity in how porn is used: I have a large drive to please my partner, so the only porn that stimulates me is where the woman is clearly enjoying herself (probably smiling at some point), and deriving a lot of pleasure. Sometimes just a guy going down on a woman, if she's enjoying it, is enough stimulation for me.

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SG100084
24 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Sounds like you've hit the jackpot...

I have. We cross-checked each others' bucket lists and they were identical...

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Telecaster68
9 minutes ago, SG100084 said:

We cross-checked each others' bucket lists

Kinkeh.

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Serran
1 hour ago, SG100084 said:

Update... since starting my affair I have completely lost interest in porn...

Hearing stuff like that makes me jealous. 😛 I want to be able to be desirable enough to a partner to make them lose interest in porn. 

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SG100084

If me last month met me this month I would want to strangle myself in jealousy. 

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anamikanon
On 8/1/2018 at 9:56 PM, Serran said:

Hearing stuff like that makes me jealous. 😛 I want to be able to be desirable enough to a partner to make them lose interest in porn. 

I don't really get this thinking. It is like saying that once you start writing books, you'll stop reading those written by others. 😛

 

You are seriously so amazing and adored by your partner from what you say. How do moving images on a screen even compare to be a problem?

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anamikanon

On serious note, at least for me, porn is an exercise of the imagination, like any other film. Some films evoke some kinds of feelings or thoughts or sensations. Sex is something I do. Porn may provide entertainment or ideas or trigger thoughts that may not even be sexual. It may provide a pleasing imagery for eroticism in a private moment. It is not a person, and it can never replace sex.

 

Or perhaps I am simply not possessive enough about my partners. I never really expect all their sexual thoughts and fantasies and imagery to be about me alone.  I don't expect them to stop watching romantic films either. Does being profoundly moved by watching the Titanic count as unfaithfulness? Or are you really shallow enough to only see sex as the intimate part of them they can't share?

 

Just as I don't expect my partner's every insightful, trivial or entertaining thought and viewing on science, food, exercise, affection, friendship, politics and technology to contain only me. That would probably give me performance anxiety. How do you feed another person's vast imagination solo? lol

 

The mind is a vast thing and the more stimulation it has, the more it thrives. I think this is an unpopular view, but in my opinion, it holds for sex too. We get better at sex with successive partners. We get more insight from doing or watching sex. We find pleasure in porn or a glass of wine. I think trying to completely monopolize an aspect of a partner's existence is a very unhealthy ambition.

 

Even if they stopped watching porn, how do they stop imagining say.... finding pleasure with two men/women - there's only one of us, right?

 

Edit: This is a separate post because it isn't explicitly addressed to @Serran and more about the overall disapproval of others watching porn that some partners have. I am not, in any way implying that Serran does that. In fact, while she may wish it, I doubt she's the controlling type at all.

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Serran
4 hours ago, anamikanon said:

I don't really get this thinking. It is like saying that once you start writing books, you'll stop reading those written by others. 😛

 

You are seriously so amazing and adored by your partner from what you say. How do moving images on a screen even compare to be a problem?

Its not really just moving images on a screen. Its an actual person and the only difference between it and say, hiring a person to do it in front of you is it is recorded. Which, to me, it being digital doesnt make it "fake" - I truly am speaking to real people when I talk on AVEN. I truly am viewing a real live person having sex if I view porn. I dont think my partner will ever really want someone else. But, in the same way i would be upset if they went to a BDSM club and watched a scene IRL, I view porn in the same neighborhood. It is going out of your way to lust over and gain sexual pleasure from an outside source, a third (or 4th or 5th or 6th) party.

 

And, honestly, if that is preferable to being with me (which, they have an open invitation any day they want me) then it feels like the lust for another person is preferred over being with me. 

 

And, given I am naturally monogamous (I cant find other people attractive when with someone, never crushed on another person when with someone, find other people nude repulsive when with someone, etc)...

 

And my sexual desires I have found are tied 100% to my partner. I never even wanted to masturbate before them. And the only way i can is to think of how I feel about them. And the only thing that can awaken that desire is the special bond between us. Which, when thinking of how they go out of their way to spend time lusting over and gaining pleasure from others..  the sexual side feels very not special. And then I lose interest. Not in them and not in romance, but in sexual anything - masturbation, partnered activities, my libido just drops to zero until I can try to feel like its special again. 

 

Edit: And it isnt the internal fantasies btw, its using real people as an outlet for them in any way. Drawings, writings, or just in their head doesnt bother me as much. 

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Serran

And to clarify - nope, dont try to control it. I just spend one night (or a few) every couple of weeks crying myself to sleep and then a week or two unable to do anything sexual at all every time I get reminded of it being a thing. And avoid a lot of movies and shows cause they will remind me of it. 

 

Though, my spouse offered compromises to try to make it easier on both of us. So, hoping it wont be an issue so much anymore. But, still makes me jealous other people are able to make porn uninteresting to their partners. 

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ryn2
20 minutes ago, Serran said:

Its not really just moving images on a screen. Its an actual person and the only difference between it and say, hiring a person to do it in front of you is it is recorded. Which, to me, it being digital doesnt make it "fake" - I truly am speaking to real people when I talk on AVEN. I truly am viewing a real live person having sex if I view porn. I dont think my partner will ever really want someone else. But, in the same way i would be upset if they went to a BDSM club and watched a scene IRL, I view porn in the same neighborhood. It is going out of your way to lust over and gain sexual pleasure from an outside source, a third (or 4th or 5th or 6th) party.

I see porn differently.  To me, the differentiator isn’t between “human actor” and “animation”; it’s between interaction and none.  So, things like hiring someone to perform sex acts while you watch, camming, phone sex, sexting/other sex chat, etc., fall in one category (to me) whereas filmed porn, pornographic animation, pornographic art, smut/erotica, etc., fall in another.

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anamikanon
34 minutes ago, Serran said:

Its not really just moving images on a screen. Its an actual person and the only difference between it and say, hiring a person to do it in front of you is it is recorded. Which, to me, it being digital doesnt make it "fake" - I truly am speaking to real people when I talk on AVEN. I truly am viewing a real live person having sex if I view porn.

Out of curiosity, does animated porn bother you as well?

 

Also, people in say.... a romance film are real people performing for the camera as well. And yes, a good romance can make you feel all mushy. So you place a greater value on sex than the emotional aspect of the relationship that him watching a romantic film won't bother you, but porn will?

 

What about a very good romantic play, where real live actors are evoking major emotional reactions from the audience?

 

I am just trying to understand the distinction you are making. Not judging here, but this genuinely baffles me, but I am also aware that I am very .... odd in many ways when it comes to relationships. For example, my partner having actual sex with another wouldn't bother me either as long as our relationship was good, and if it wasn't, him neglecting me for any reason would be a problem...

 

In the sense I'm not saying this is right or that is wrong. More like.... one would imagine emotions to be the more important aspect of a relationship but him/her/them seeing two people being emotionally intimate is not a problem. Physically intimate is. And this isn't just you, many people think like that. I've once read someone claiming that watching porn was actual cheating.

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ryn2

...and to be fair, my partner once had a porn habit that caused lots of strife between us - not so much because it was porn, but because it made it clear how much I was not his type at all - so I do totally get how upsetting “little things” like this can be.  I just don’t see it in the same light as direct interpersonal interaction (through whatever medium).

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ryn2
Just now, anamikanon said:

For example, my partner having actual sex with another wouldn't bother me either as long as our relationship was good, and if it wasn't, him neglecting me for any reason would be a problem...

That doesn’t sound so much “odd” as it does “poly.”

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anamikanon
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

That doesn’t sound so much “odd” as it does “poly.”

lol. True, I guess, but even in the poly community you see people dealing with jealousy/control issues. I've never struggled with anything like that. 

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Telecaster68
11 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I see porn differently.  To me, the differentiator isn’t between “human actor” and “animation”; it’s between interaction and none.  So, things like hiring someone to perform sex acts while you watch, camming, phone sex, sexting/other sex chat, etc., fall in one category (to me) whereas filmed porn, pornographic animation, pornographic art, smut/erotica, etc., fall in another.

I'm the same. The difference is interaction. 

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anamikanon

More distinctions.

 

For some reason I thought of a vegan eating beef grown in a lab. It is still beef. Still animal cells. A cow not being killed could make it permissible, but at the end of the day, it is animal protein and will taste such and be used by the body similarly. How does it matter if the erotic stimulation is interactive or created for mass consumption? Does the fact that other people watched the same thing somehow make it more ok? If it is about the watcher's preference being enacted by the actors, isn't that exactly what happens when you choose a specific video over another? The one consuming it will be aroused and then sated and that is why they will be doing it. It is stimulation seeked to evoke specific feelings.  Whether customized or created for bulk consumption.

 

Of course, there are other aspects like potential for further involvement if it is a one-on-one scenario, but then someone interested in infidelity could do it anyway with someone else while watching mass produced porn. Not to mention individualized experiences would probably be more expensive than free surfing.... impacting home finances?

 

Gawd. I'm terrible at getting this sort of stuff. I'm probably some eager porn watcher's much desired partner wasted on an ace who never watches. lol.

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Serran
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I see porn differently.  To me, the differentiator isn’t between “human actor” and “animation”; it’s between interaction and none.  So, things like hiring someone to perform sex acts while you watch, camming, phone sex, sexting/other sex chat, etc., fall in one category (to me) whereas filmed porn, pornographic animation, pornographic art, smut/erotica, etc., fall in another.

If you go to a club to watch people have sex, sit in the corner and never talk to them, there isnt any interaction. So, whats the difference? Physical proximity? I never placed a high value on that. So, still same to me. I hear people say risk of cheating is high thats why... but I trust them to just watch not touch. So, again, no difference for me. 

 

Also, since we are LDR still at times, all i can offer is pictures... which they already get a million of those from others. So it feels useless and stupid to even take or send them when I know I am nowhere near as good at it as professionals. So the majority of our relationship I am nothing compared to these other people. Married and not allowed to be together for a year or more, thanks to Trumps immigration law changes. *grumble* 

 

@anamikanon - Animated doesnt bother me as much, as long as it isnt a realistic based on person thing. Though I still sort of feel bad they dont feel for me as I do for them about it. Its so special to me tied to them and for everyone else it seems ... just a thing shared with any random stranger.

 

I say Im a vole trying to be with swans. Im naturally tied to whoever my partner is. Even trying to be open to more doesnt work for me, I tried being with a poly person once and my feelings evaporated for them trying to be open to more than one. Even my stupid sexual desires ended up being that way. While most humans choose to be mono in actions but are naturally interested in lots of people. 

 

I did try to change my nature to being more like other people. I even did therapy over it. Got told by the therapist my thoughts were open and healthy and my feelings were just how I am. Which wasnt helpful. 

 

As for romance... its not really the same. If they got so overwhelmed by romantic feelings they spent a lot of time watching a person to feel romantic towards them until they burst in a puddle of chemical bliss (which, porn is a get so turned on by actor you orgasm...) then yeah it would bug me. But, they dont and i have never known someone who did. Its maybe an aw thats sweet and move on with life. Which is more like seeing something that turns you on but not seeking it out or focusing on it for the feeling. 

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ryn2
19 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

not so much because it was porn, but because it made it clear how much I was not his type at all

(this discussion was unexpectedly really helpful for me as I literally just realized this was the issue as I was thinking about how to word it... and realizing it straightens out some seemingly-incompatible thoughts for me)

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ryn2
8 minutes ago, Serran said:

If you go to a club to watch people have sex, sit in the corner and never talk to them, there isnt any interaction. So, whats the difference?

I probably have to think more about this specific one, as it’s not something one can freely do where I live (so I just haven’t thought much about it), but it may be similar to conversing with someone (interaction), eavesdropping while two people converse nearby (voyeurism), and attending a play where two actors pretend to converse (filmed porn).

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anamikanon
1 minute ago, Serran said:

Also, since we are LDR still at times, all i can offer is pictures... which they already get a million of those from others. So it feels useless and stupid to even take or send them when I know I am nowhere near as good at it as professionals. So the majority of our relationship I am nothing compared to these other people.

and

 

1 minute ago, Serran said:

I still sort of feel bad they dont feel for me as I do for them about it.

I've been in an LDR and I've watched porn. Lots of both. I can't imagine why someone I love would want to be objectified for momentary sexual gratification where they don't matter.

 

A fully dressed picture of my ace matters more to me than interchangeable erotic content. And if my ace ever sent me an erotic pic, it would be treasured, but I would probably not masturbate while watching it - unless we were also chatting. Because when it comes to him, HE matters, not titiliation. When I'm horny for sex, I'm horny for doing it with a dumbass who can't even understand I'm horny, not some porn star. I wouldn't take a swap even if offered on a platter! Apples. Oranges.

 

That is like a housewife being jealous of a vacuum cleaner, because it is better at removing dust than her.

 

1 minute ago, Serran said:

As for romance... its not really the same. If they got so overwhelmed by romantic feelings they spent a lot of time watching a person to feel romantic towards them until they burst in a puddle of chemical bliss (which, porn is a get so turned on by actor you orgasm...) then yeah it would bug me. But, they dont and i have never known someone who did. Its maybe an aw thats sweet and move on with life. Which is more like seeing something that turns you on but not seeking it out or focusing on it for the feeling. 

And say if it were a film that completely changed how they saw love? Wouldn't it be a bigger "puddle" than something that had a ten minute impact and was long forgotten?

 

But I get what you are saying, though I don't understand the importance you place on it.

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ryn2

Maybe you’re just extra-extra mono, @Serran.  I’ve never thought of natural monogamy (monoamory?) as excluding un-acted-upon crushes, e.g.

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Serran
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I probably have to think more about this specific one, as it’s not something one can freely do where I live (so I just haven’t thought much about it), but it may be similar to conversing with someone (interaction), eavesdropping while two people converse nearby (voyeurism), and attending a play where two actors pretend to converse (filmed porn).

Ok.. do you put a difference in amateur then vs pro? Would a married couple who uploaded a legit night of passion be different since they arent actors pretending?

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anamikanon

But I am finding this discussion unexpectedly insightful and will likely share it with my ace who will find it interesting too. Good thing about us is that this sort of stuff flows and is not even seen as "sexual" content. More philosophical. And he'll have his own insights too. Which will result in a nice night of talking about sex and porn..... the things my sex life has been reduced to. lol.

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