SweetTart

Porn and Demisexuality?

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SweetTart

As I've looked around on the topic of demisexuality I've come across some posts and information stating Demisexuals don't typically feel aroused or 'turned on' by porn. Is this true?

 

From my own experiences I suspected I may be demi, but now I'm not so sure.

I can be aroused by porn at times, though typically I don't prefer it. I enjoy drawn porn and written smut though, the characters and situations all purely being part of a fantasy. I never really imagine myself in the place of the characters, it's more the pleasure of the characters themselves and the situations I find stimulating.

I've never actually talked about this before so Idk if that's normal or not?

 

Anyways sorry if that was tmi! Just trying to clarify and figure things out.

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Kraken X

It's definitely possible to identify as demisexual (or anywhere on the ace spectrum) while being aroused by porn. It's just less common than it is for sexual people.

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Deus Ex Infinity

I totally dislike porn. It's disgustIng but I don't think that it's specifically connected to demisexuality etc. It's more like a personal anti-preference so to speak. 

 

 

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roland.o
16 hours ago, SweetTart said:

Is this true?

Who's to say what's "typical"? I do watch porn. It's not related to my ability to form bonds and enter relationships or experience sexual attraction.

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Marlow1

No, I don't watch porn and I have no attraction to it. For me it is much the same as seeing any stranger, I don't get attracted.

 

I only experience attraction towards my partner and that is it

 

I am Demisexual. I also have Aphantasia which I believe influences this. If you want to know more please see my profile 

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Serran
8 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

No, I don't watch porn and I have no attraction to it. For me it is much the same as seeing any stranger, I don't get attracted.

 

I only experience attraction towards my partner and that is it

Same. Its like sex with a stranger.. just blah. No pleasure and I cannot reach orgasm with it. Give me thoughts of my partner any day over that. 

 

 

I dont use labels but demi would fit best if i did. 

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kani

I'm not sure I'm demisexual, but I enjoy movies where there's a good build up until the sex scene and those are way better than any porn I've watched. If they made porn where there's a good build up, the people get to know each other and I'm rooting for their relationship, I'd probably be more into it.

 

I can still enjoy porn but it's mostly pretty boring and it's kinda like I try to imagine they're feeling good rather than being attracted to their bodies or anything.

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bare_trees
On 6/18/2018 at 6:01 PM, SweetTart said:

 

I've never actually talked about this before so Idk if that's normal or not?

 

 

I think it is, absolutely!  I've identified as demisexual for years, and there's some porn that works for me.  Probably not as much as for sexual people, but I find that I watch/read it and imagine someone I have feelings for instead of the random people involved in it.  I totally understand what you're describing, also.

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Dawning

I found an interesting article that says:

 

"Demisexuals may have very active sexual fantasy lives—whether enjoying erotic stories, watching porn, or creating their own mental fantasies. The difference is that it’s not just the physical act of sex that turns them on, but the whole context of the person they imagine having sex with—there’s a major emotional component to these fantasies that give them an extra charge for the demixexual person."

 

https://bestlifeonline.com/demisexual/

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Marlow1
On 20 June 2018 at 2:26 PM, arokani said:

I'm not sure I'm demisexual, but I enjoy movies where there's a good build up until the sex scene and those are way better than any porn I've watched. If they made porn where there's a good build up, the people get to know each other and I'm rooting for their relationship, I'd probably be more into it.

 

I can still enjoy porn but it's mostly pretty boring and it's kinda like I try to imagine they're feeling good rather than being attracted to their bodies or anything.

I can identify with characters emotionally, romantically. Like in the Film Moulin Rouge. It is the story line. There is a close bond between the characters. Not much actual sex is shown and I generally do prefer that when watching a movie

 

Sex scenes can be hard for me to follow. I don't get attraction to them but also many feel embarrassing or stupid. I can't say that I am generally repulse because a lot of the time it just feels boring, but I have been repulsed at some things over time, but usually I am like what was the point in that. I sometimes feel the sex scenes ruin the film but can ignore them. Or accept them I guess but  I really do get feelings of a sexual nature to them not even romantic feelings, unless the story overall has captured my interest romantically, and then that position will remain but not exactly made deeper because of the sex

 

I have mentioned about my aphantasia earlier. I cannot visually or verbally fantasize in my head. With me with sex in general what you see is what you get. It is only because I have a very strong bond with my partner and know her well, and feel safe and loved by her etc that I can experience sexual attraction with her only. If that makes sense

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Celyn

I find visual porn either unpleasant or boring. Written though, can be lovely if the romance is done right. As @Marlow1 and @Dawning's quote are saying, it's the emotional context, the love between the participants, that makes it nice. The sex itself is "Eh, whatever."

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Marlow1

I have just had an after thought. The characters in the Moulin Rouge remind me of my partner and myself. This has happened in other movies too, but more so with the Moulin Rouge. As I am thinking about all this right now I am noticing that the more a movie does remind me of my relationship with my partner the more I can appreciate the romantic plot. 

 

I am am not great with following any kind of fiction and apparently this is a trait that goes hand in hand with aphantasia. But these films that I do like my partner she likes them too, and we have watched them over and over. The more I watch them the better I pick up on what is happening. And since I can in some ways relate to the stories I can feel the love bond between the characters. If it was a brand new movie and I could not feel much of the bond between the characters, that is if I could not relate the storyline to my real life experience with my partner I don't think I would feel much, it would all be a bit meh. As with real life the romantic experience with movies builds up over time. I really don't think the sexual things in the movies add much, except maybe they express some of the intimacy between the characters. I don't think I would miss these scenes much if they were not there. In older movies the sex scenes are very vague and in many ways the vagueness emphasises the romantic love, I feel

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Celyn
15 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

I really don't think the sexual things in the movies add much, except maybe they express some of the intimacy between the characters. I don't think I would miss these scenes much if they were not there.

Yeah, I feel exactly the same way.

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GreySquirrel12
On 6/19/2018 at 12:01 AM, SweetTart said:

As I've looked around on the topic of demisexuality I've come across some posts and information stating Demisexuals don't typically feel aroused or 'turned on' by porn. Is this true?

 

From my own experiences I suspected I may be demi, but now I'm not so sure.

I can be aroused by porn at times, though typically I don't prefer it. I enjoy drawn porn and written smut though, the characters and situations all purely being part of a fantasy. I never really imagine myself in the place of the characters, it's more the pleasure of the characters themselves and the situations I find stimulating.

I've never actually talked about this before so Idk if that's normal or not?

 

Anyways sorry if that was tmi! Just trying to clarify and figure things out.

I'm exactly the same. I'm much more attracted to the written word  e.g., fan fiction, whereas with porn sometimes it can be arousing, and sometimes I could look at the exact same thing and feel absolutely nothing. 

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Dia Nicole
On 6/18/2018 at 7:01 PM, SweetTart said:

...written smut though, the characters and situations all purely being part of a fantasy. I never really imagine myself in the place of the characters, it's more the pleasure of the characters themselves and the situations I find stimulating.

I have never really talked about it either but I feel the same way about erotica. I could never picture myself in place of the characters but reading how the characters care for and affect each other affects me. I also am not really affected by visual porn that way. I have never been a very visual person though.

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Marlow1
19 hours ago, Dia Nicole said:

I have never really talked about it either but I feel the same way about erotica. I could never picture myself in place of the characters but reading how the characters care for and affect each other affects me. I also am not really affected by visual porn that way. I have never been a very visual person though.

Hi

 

I noticed that you said that you have never been a very visual person. This in itself can be a thing. I don't know if you have heard of Aphantasia (blind in the minds eye) but there are different levels to this. You might want to look at my profile, there you will find more information about this

 

In the meantime, this young lass explains a bit of how she experiences no attraction to porn etc. She is asexual and she says she does not get any images in her mind. Hope this helps

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t8FX6vZz-MM

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Pramana

I personally find porn disgusting. But arousal can be separated from attraction and research has found that it's actually pretty common for people on the asexual spectrum to watch porn and fantasize.

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Marlow1
3 hours ago, Pramana said:

I personally find porn disgusting. But arousal can be separated from attraction and research has found that it's actually pretty common for people on the asexual spectrum to watch porn and fantasize.

Hi Pramana

 

Do you know if there is a word for a asexual/grey asexual person that does not watch porn and does not fantasise. Is this a sub-group?

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Dawning

Just FYI, alexithymia, from which I suffer although not to the fullest extent, is a common characteristic of autistic people, and often includes a lack of fantasizing:

 

Alexithymia is defined by:

 

1. difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal

2. difficulty describing feelings to other people

3. constricted imaginal processes, as evidenced by a scarcity of fantasies

4. a stimulus-bound, externally oriented cognitive style. (Focus on describing what's happening in environment rather than feelings. Focus on minute details rather than feelings of event.)

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Marlow1
23 hours ago, Dawning said:

Just FYI, alexithymia, from which I suffer although not to the fullest extent, is a common characteristic of autistic people, and often includes a lack of fantasizing:

 

Alexithymia is defined by:

  1. difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal
  2. difficulty describing feelings to other people
  3. constricted imaginal processes, as evidenced by a scarcity of fantasies
  4. a stimulus-bound, externally oriented cognitive style.

This is very interesting. I have just been researching Alexithymia further. It seems though that generally the Alexithymia is constantly present. My Aphantasia is constantly present and my lack of attraction to porn, strangers and so on is constantly present but regarding my partner much of this changes. 

 

I cannot visualise her in my mind nor re-experience her sexually in my mind (my partner tells me she can see, hear, smell, taste, feel me and so on in her mind) but I can think about her romantically and sexually. I can think about things we have done, and especially if she is there right in front of me I can want her, and get that magnetic pull folk speak of, but only with her

 

I love looking at photographs of her. I am not really sure if this is in the same way that other people so called love porn, but I do love looking at pictures of her (not necessarily naked) and I have become aroused looking at them, but she was here with me at the time.

 

I know that this is not true fantasising since I am not getting any pictures in my mind, nor any verbals, I don't have either images or a voice in my head, but this is sexual attraction, I am sure

 

I do not get these feelings looking at any other peoples pictures nor in everyday life,  and I really do think I would feel embarrassed if I did. 

 

I mentioned earlier that I can at least a little identify with couples on TV that remind me of my partner and I. I have not watched them having sex or anything, I think that if I did it would make me feel uncomfortable, I would probably feel it was not right to do that. I really don't think it would be arousing. I know of no time ever when I saw anything sexual on TV that was arousing. I have never watched  internet porn. I have never bought a movie specifically to look at the sex scenes. In the past sex scenes in movies did come on the TV. My reactions varied from laughing, embarrassment, indifferent, depending upon the scene, but never arousal. 

 

Hope that this is making sense, it is so difficult to describe 

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Celyn

Hmm I have all the symptoms of alexthymia except 3. I have a vivid, active imagination and basically live in my own head.

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Dawning
27 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Hmm I have all the symptoms of alexthymia except 3. I have a vivid, active imagination and basically live in my own head.

That's me exactly! The definition describes the standard case, but the only actual requirement is the emotional part. For me, good and bad emotions can feel exactly the same, and I have to determine by analysis what I'm most likely to be feeling. Sort of inconvenient.

 

And possibly contributing to asexuality?

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Dawning
1 hour ago, Marlow1 said:

This is very interesting. I have just been researching Alexithymia further. It seems though that generally the Alexithymia is constantly present. My Aphantasia is constantly present and my lack of attraction to porn, strangers and so on is constantly present but regarding my partner much of this changes. 

 

I cannot visualise her in my mind nor re-experience her sexually in my mind (my partner tells me she can see, hear, smell, taste, feel me and so on in her mind) but I can think about her sexually. I can think about things we have done, and especially if she is there right in front of me I can want her, and get that magnetic pull folk speak of, but only with her

 

I love looking at photographs of her. I am not really sure if this is in the same way that other people so called love porn, but I do love looking at pictures of her and I have become aroused looking at them, but she was here with me at the time.

 

I know that this is not true fantasising since I am not getting any pictures in my mind, but this is sexual attraction, I am sure

 

I do not get these feelings looking at any other person picture or real, and I really do think I would feel embarrassed if I did. I mentioned earlier that I can at least a little identify with couples on TV that remind me of my partner and I. I have not watched them having sex or anything, I think that if I did it would put me off them. I would feel it was not right to do that. I really don't think it would be arousing. I know of no time ever when I saw anything sexual on TV that was arousing

 

Hope that this is making sense, it is so difficult to describe 

Alexithymia is an always and forever sort of thing. Did any of what you read apply to you?

 

It's driving me absolutely crazy trying to figure out how you think! As best as I can determine, thinking takes place with either images or words. I'm incapable of the former, but I compensate pretty well with the latter. But since you don't have either, what form do your thoughts take?

 

I don't think you have to have any mental pictures for something to count as fantasizing. Even people who can see mental pictures fantasize and daydream in words, at least part of the time; for me, of course, it's all the time, because that's all I can do, but I do it every day.

 

I'd really be interested to know if there was a correlation between the # of senses you can fantasize with and the likelihood of being asexual.

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Celyn
24 minutes ago, Dawning said:

And possibly contributing to asexuality?

Very possibly. When I'm in a romantic situation, often all I can feel is "overwhelmed" and I don't know if it's good or bad. I have trouble distinguishing between fear and excitement, which has led to a situation where I'm thinking "Am I terrified of the idea of sex or super, super into it?"

Yeah, that "trouble distinguishing between feelings and the physical symptoms" is so true of me. "My heart is pounding and I'm shaking and I'm feeling a Feeling...."

I like the modern phrase "to have feels" because can express that I'm having strong emotions without so much pressure to label what they are.

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Dawning
22 minutes ago, Celyn said:

Very possibly. When I'm in a romantic situation, often all I can feel is "overwhelmed" and I don't know if it's good or bad. I have trouble distinguishing between fear and excitement, which has led to a situation where I'm thinking "Am I terrified of the idea of sex or super, super into it?"

Yeah, that "trouble distinguishing between feelings and the physical symptoms" is so true of me. "My heart is pounding and I'm shaking and I'm feeling a Feeling...."

I like the modern phrase "to have feels" because can express that I'm having strong emotions without so much pressure to label what they are.

Overwhelmed and unable to tell if it's good or bad, yes! Fear vs excitement, yes! That's me all the way! You don't have to be Sigmund Freud to see how this could affect all of our possible kinds of attraction.

 

I hope it helps you a little bit to have an actual word for what you experience. I know I felt a lot better when I first realized I wasn't the only one.

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Pramana
8 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

Hi Pramana

 

Do you know if there is a word for a asexual/grey asexual person that does not watch porn and does not fantasise. Is this a sub-group?

The most common distinction is between nonlibidoists (who experience neither sexual attraction nor sexual desire, don't get horny, don't masturbate) and libidoists (who do experience sexual desire, possess an undirected sex drive). Now libidoists might fall into the 'scratching an itch category' (masturbate just to relieve physical tension), or they might practice a more elaborate solo sex life that incorporates fantasy and porn (autochorissexuality and similar phenomena).

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Marlow1
20 hours ago, Dawning said:

Alexithymia is an always and forever sort of thing. Did any of what you read apply to you?

 

It's driving me absolutely crazy trying to figure out how you think! As best as I can determine, thinking takes place with either images or words. I'm incapable of the former, but I compensate pretty well with the latter. But since you don't have either, what form do your thoughts take?

 

I don't think you have to have any mental pictures for something to count as fantasizing. Even people who can see mental pictures fantasize and daydream in words, at least part of the time; for me, of course, it's all the time, because that's all I can do, but I do it every day.

 

I'd really be interested to know if there was a correlation between the # of senses you can fantasize with and the likelihood of being asexual.

Lol, everybody that I speak to regarding all this is amazed that I have no pictures or words, or the other things they say they experience in their heads, such as smells, taste, touch etc. I get none of this and I do not relive things in my mind. My memory is all logical. But saying this I can remember events and how I felt (not feeling that in the present moment but remembering it) and then I will have a feeling about that. 

 

For instance, when I remember my deceased parents, I cannot see them nor hear them, nothing, but I can remember an event with them and as I speak about it I will naturally move my hands and have facial expressions to explain it. If what I am saying is funny I will laugh. If what I am saying is sad my tone will change and I might cry etc. My behaviour in this regard is normal and nobody can tell that I have Aphantasia

 

I am intelligent. I did well at all subjects at school, except English Literature. As you know English Literature requires imaginative thinking, not much chance of that hey!!!

 

My partner guides me through stories and films and we watch fictional films over and over nowadays, and because she does this with me this is why I can now identify with certain characters in films. But it seems from what folk are telling me, my efforts at this arestill only reaping  minimal results. I like it though, especially since I could not do anything like this in the past.

 

We have known that I have Aphantasia for two years. Prior to this I had no idea that folk could see pictures, hear voices, music, and all the rest of the things that folk tell me they can do with their minds. I thought everybody was the same as me lol. Seriously, I really did not know that I was different

 

As of yet there are no official figures but the latest studies are suggesting that less than 1% of the population have total Aphantasia like me. Approximately another 1% have images so poor and/or they are scoring so low on the other aspects of the condition, they are classified as Aphantasia. But it is believed a further 3% or more may well have low levels across the board, the scientist are wondering if they should classify these people with Aphantasia too. It is difficult to figure out where the cut off point should be

 

Regarding the question, how do I think? The answer is I just do. I just know what I think and cannot explain it

 

Just for fun my partner asked me to make up a story. She asked me to just make up anything, but to make sure the story was all untrue. She asked me to speak it out loud. And so I did. 

 

I could do it, I told the story and it was all made up and she understood all of what I said

 

She then asked me to do the same thing again but tell a different story in my head without speaking it, and I could not do it. She said, "once upon a time" and I could not complete the sentence, in my head. No story developed

 

I make this point to show that it is true that without my partner it would be next to impossible for me to fantasise. But if she is here physically I can think of her in a sexual romantic way. If she is not here I can know that I have an intimate relationship with her, I can remember things we have done, and perhaps chuckle. But without her around arousal is not going to happen, not properly! My mind needs her to hook in to. And this is why I label myself demisexual and know I will go back to being Asexusl if she dies or leaves etc

 

Regarding the Alexithymia, please give me more time to study this properly. I want to be sure that I fully understand what it means before I get back to you

 

 

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RK800

I'm aroused by some porn, I'm just not sexually attracted to the people in it.

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Marlow1

I have been reading more about Alexithymia and this is the main article that I have used

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

 

I am still absorbing the information so please forgive me if I am not understanding this condition correctly

 

When I first read the article I figured that what the author was describing was a form of Aphantasia, if not Aphantasia itself. Others must have reported Aphantasia experiences in the past, but without a term to explain it other explanations must have been given. The term Aphantasia has only been available for the last few years.

 

As I read the article my feelings about it kind of became negative. Although the part about no images, vague dreams, lack of fantasy etc fitted me, the other descriptions felt a little off

 

My experience with Aphantasia has in the main been very positive and when folk ask me do I want to change it, and have the images and the voice etc, I always say no. The folk around me all have this so called minds eye thing going on for them and what they describe can sound awful, they describe PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, OCD, even Schizophrenia in one person I know. I don't get any of all that and literally cannot do, with a blind minds eye it is pretty impossible to develop any of these things. At least it is so for me

 

I am generally upbeat and content most of the time. I tend to like everybody. Not exactly everybody, but it is rare for me to make a snap judgement and just decide that I do not like a person. I am well liked myself too

 

I don't worry too much about what people think of me. I am a bit concerned what my partner thinks, I want her to be happy and so I think a lot about our relationship and what I can do to keep us both content. But if we argue, I never hold a grudge, I forget the worst of it in a short period of time, I am not one to be bitter or angry for more than the shortest time

 

I don't experience jealousy either. I guess maybe I must have at some time since I know what that feeling is, but definately don't remember it. Honestly, I know it sounds smug but I am happy with myself and I like myself

 

On the subject of empathy, from what I observe I am the most empathic guy that I know of. I am the eldest child and with our parents now dead the others see me as a parental figure and in a certain way I have accepted that role. I am the same with my children and grandson. And my partner too. They all see me as the one they can talk to, rely on and so on. I am empathic to folk outside too, help out where I can etc

 

Where I can get it wrong I guess is on the attraction thing. Because I am not experiencing sexual or romantic attraction I don't see when other people are attracted to me. This has caused problems in the past with my partner. I just could not understand it when she got upset about other women. I would say I have no interest in the person you are speaking of, none, zero. She would say you are ignoring my feelings, that woman is making a play for you. I just did not get it. I kind of do now, but it is hard, I just think oh just ignore it, but my partner says no, when you love somebody you take yourself out of the situation.

 

I have been accused of being too soft and too willing to help. I do tend to just help without thinking. More recently though I have with the help of my partner started to prioritise what we are doing or not doing regarding the helping and caring of folk. It is at times too much, my partners parents are ill and like I have mentioned we have other family members to care about

 

As I read more thorough the Alexithymia page I notice it mentions logical thinking. Yes that is me, I am far more logical than creative. But I am still creative in some ways, I am good with wood, I can play the guitar, and OK with gardening. I am organised with myself, my daily living needs, my house though is not the tidiest and I don't always think much about getting it sorted, not as much as I should. I find it hard to plan beyond today. I find it hard to even think beyond today, and remembering much from yesturday and beyond, that is not easy but I can, especially when prompted

 

I know that I have not fully answered the question but it's the feeling of negativity that I am getting when reading the article, overall I think Aphantasia and Demisexuality are really positive things

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Dawning
13 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

Lol, everybody that I speak to regarding all this is amazed that I have no pictures or words, or the other things they say they experience in their heads, such as smells, taste, touch etc. I get none of this and I do not relive things in my mind. My memory is all logical. But saying this I can remember events and how I felt (not feeling that in the present moment but remembering it) and then I will have a feeling about that. 

 

For instance, when I remember my deceased parents, I cannot see them nor hear them, nothing, but I can remember an event with them and as I speak about it I will naturally move my hands and have facial expressions to explain it. If what I am saying is funny I will laugh. If what I am saying is sad my tone will change and I might cry etc. My behaviour in this regard is normal and nobody can tell that I have Aphantasia

 

I am intelligent. I did well at all subjects at school, except English Literature. As you know English Literature requires imaginative thinking, not much chance of that hey!!!

 

My partner guides me through stories and films and we watch fictional films over and over nowadays, and because she does this with me this is why I can now identify with certain characters in films. But it seems from what folk are telling me, my efforts at this arestill only reaping  minimal results. I like it though, especially since I could not do anything like this in the past.

 

We have known that I have Aphantasia for two years. Prior to this I had no idea that folk could see pictures, hear voices, music, and all the rest of the things that folk tell me they can do with their minds. I thought everybody was the same as me lol. Seriously, I really did not know that I was different

 

As of yet there are no official figures but the latest studies are suggesting that less than 1% of the population have total Aphantasia like me. Approximately another 1% have images so poor and/or they are scoring so low on the other aspects of the condition, they are classified as Aphantasia. But it is believed a further 3% or more may well have low levels across the board, the scientist are wondering if they should classify these people with Aphantasia too. It is difficult to figure out where the cut off point should be

 

Regarding the question, how do I think? The answer is I just do. I just know what I think and cannot explain it

 

Just for fun my partner asked me to make up a story. She asked me to just make up anything, but to make sure the story was all untrue. She asked me to speak it out loud. And so I did. 

 

I could do it, I told the story and it was all made up and she understood all of what I said

 

She then asked me to do the same thing again but tell a different story in my head without speaking it, and I could not do it. She said, "once upon a time" and I could not complete the sentence, in my head. No story developed

 

I make this point to show that it is true that without my partner it would be next to impossible for me to fantasise. But if she is here physically I can think of her in a sexual romantic way. If she is not here I can know that I have an intimate relationship with her, I can remember things we have done, and perhaps chuckle. But without her around arousal is not going to happen, not properly! My mind needs her to hook in to. And this is why I label myself demisexual and know I will go back to being Asexusl if she dies or leaves etc

 

Regarding the Alexithymia, please give me more time to study this properly. I want to be sure that I fully understand what it means before I get back to you

 

 

 I find it absolutely fascinating to imagine thought and memory without words or pictures! It sounds like an alien species in a sci-fi novel! I'm so glad that you have a partner who appreciates you, and who helps you explore and develop and discover; who knows what else you might eventually find a way to do?

 

I don't think I'd want to have pictures in my mind all the time; it would distract me beyond belief. I wouldn't mind being able to do it when I felt like it, though, because sometimes it could be a timesaver, useful, even stimulating.

 

Let me know what you think about alexithymia once you've had some time to research it. :)

 

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