Jump to content

Putting being sexual in a whole different light!


EmmyAtty

Recommended Posts

24 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I think it is common for people to want to be "validated" by the opinions of others, its a very important feedback mechanism in society.

That's something you usually grow out of. It might have an appeal to teens searching for "their place" to feel "validated" by likes and their number of followers or similar crap, but in my experience, that's not a thing in the adult world.

 

26 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Its a way for someone to know if they are behaving properly. 

Woof *wags tail*

Link to post
Share on other sites

Double edged sword for me.  Yay because it has nothing to do with me, but then there's the fact that it is how he is.  

Now comes the real work.....communication, compromise, coping.  

Yours is a relatively "young" relationship (compared to me, an "old lady" nearing 30 years of marriage).  The fact that you have defined the situation, are positive about it and are actively communicating is terrific.  

I do wish you all the best as you navigate this together.  You've got a good start in handling/managing/understanding this... you have resources and support, so important in these early days of your relationship.  So many of us in longer term relationships didn't know what the hell was going on, meanwhile, so much damage has gone down.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Homer said:

That's something you usually grow out of. It might have an appeal to teens searching for "their place" to feel "validated" by likes and their number of followers or similar crap, but in my experience, that's not a thing in the adult world.

 

Woof *wags tail*

You don't value opinions of coworkers on your talent at whatever you do at the job, or the opinions of friends on whether or not you are a good person?  What do you use for feedback in these things?

Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

I'm with @uhtred on this. Professionally, positive feedback from coworkers, colleagues, etc. is valuable to me. And positive feedback from family and friends...

...or, say, a ❤️ from someone on the AVEN forum. Certainly we don't generally need to receive any particular validation, but the power of the "like" button is strong for a reason. It's natural to want to feel wanted.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe it’s language?  I like to feel (personally, or like my work is) appreciated, and I do at least consider feedback I receive, but - to me - that’s not the same as feeling desired.

 

Desire - again, to me - has hunger and urgency to it whereas appreciation does not.  It also carries a visceral sense of losing control that’s absent from appreciation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I should probably wait until I’m fully awake before posting, lol.  It dawned on me while I was driving to work that I’d mixed the validation discussion in with the desire discussion.  Oops!

 

I guess the same applies for me, though.  While I take constructive criticism, and hearing nice things about my work is pleasant, I don’t need validation from my friends or coworkers.  If I don’t get positive feedback I may wonder about the longevity of my job or friendship, but I don’t feel less worthy.

 

I don’t define my personal worth by the type of work I do, though.  I know plenty of people who do, and I don’t know that one way or the other is “better.”  And though I do feel people have worth just by existing and don’t need to earn it, I’m less generous to myself; I do feel like I need to contribute in some way in order to have worth.  I know that’s self-contradictory.  Not everything is rational or logical.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/18/2018 at 11:45 PM, EmmyAtty said:

how (if at all) has your asexual/gray-sexual partner changed how you view sex/yourself?

My view of sex or myself didn't change, but I was forced to face the fact that the sex had not worked and there was a reason why it didn't work and that it couldn't be "fixed". It forced me to consider our relationship as it was - without expecting the sex to ever work and much trauma, denial and general grieving later, I'm fine being in a long term relationship with him anyway.

 

I never felt that I wasn't attractive (frankly, it wouldn't matter even if I was - I don't place a lot of importance on that) but I was definitely disappointed that I was not attractive TO HIM. That he was never going to want to grab me and want to get under my skin ASAP, no matter what I did. Seemed like a huge deal then, but am ok with it now. There's plenty he finds irresistable about me, and vice versa. What we don't have will always be infinite, but what we do have is good.

 

I didn't feel like I'd lost his desire, because honesty forced me to admit that his desire had always been an iffy and somewhat dubious thing. Honesty forced me to admit that I may be feeling a loss, but it was a loss of my perception. I'd never had what I was imagining I lost. Wow. This sounds very clear and mature, but the actual process of coming to this conclusion was soaked in tears.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How has my view on sex changed?

1. My view on sex in general terms, is now broader than before realizing my wife was “sex neutral asexual  with low benefits of my magic with an incline towards aromantic and a bit mute about those sweet, comforting words”. Why? Since the path of getting to know her mechanisms, has led me to read about all sorts of different approaches to sex, romance, friendship and relationship. 

 

2. My view on my “sexuality”? I need mutual, agreed upon sex, in a good atmosphere. It keeps a depression away. It gives me joy. It makes me better to deal with life/stress. It boosts my feeling of fitting with my partner. I love getting and I love giving. I am entitled to pursue a good sex life. I can learn more,

 

3. My view on my sex life. It happens. It is nice. I love, as my wife, likes it. I have a constant fear of how time will go. How things will change?

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/28/2018 at 9:08 PM, vega57 said:

When sexuals talk about wanting to be "desired", I see that it means that they want to be sexually desired.  Being "desired" for their personality...values...humor...beliefs...philosophy about life...religious beliefs...likes...dislikes et al, don't even come into play, except as something secondary.  

This is a really shallow way of looking at it.

 

I think of it as an aching tooth. You normally aren't in the habit of poking your teeth with your tongue, but the tongue goes there if there is a problem.

 

I think it is very insulting to think that sexuals aren't capable of valuing other kinds of desire or see them as secondary. And it is logically absurd. It is like saying that if you want your partner to desire sharing a home with you, "personality...values...humor...beliefs...philosophy about life...religious beliefs...likes...dislikes et al, don't even come into play". A couple interacts on many levels all the time. And it is normal to want the relationship to be HOLISTIC.

 

The fact is, in ANY relationship, if there is a problem on one level, that level tends to take up attention. Before my ace found out he was sexual, we went through a pretty hard phase where he found himself simply unable to identify and verbalize his feelings. On crucial things. I felt unloved then, because he wouldn't share what mattered to him, what was on his mind, and so on. I wasn't even thinking about the sex, which seemed fine. He actually said in a chat at one point, that all that seems to matter to me is that he be able to express himself. He's the ace. But we were in a long distance relationship, so the long gaps made him quite comfortable with the occasional sex. So, feeling desired at that time, was about feeling like he shared what was on his mind with me, instead of blocking me out.

 

Other times, because of my aloof nature, when I got too involved in some project, he felt undesired, because of a lack of attention.

 

Believing that sexuals don't value things other than sex may seem like a comforting thing - they have and want sex, and we do everything else, but the fact of it is that given the number of sexuals in comparison with aces, those things wouldn't even be the norms to desire in a relationship if they didn't matter to sexuals. Nor is there any shortage of frustrated sexuals. Most long term relationships go through times of mismatch. It doesn't turn anyone into sex obsessed creatures unable to value anything other than sex except as a distant second. Though I can see why it is comforting to somehow try and paint us as people who don't treasure things that really matter. To put it bluntly, the repeated implication in your post seems to be that because we value what you dislike, we can't possibly value something that really matters to aces as well. It is a logical fallacy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

So, feeling desired at that time, was about feeling like he shared what was on his mind with me, instead of blocking me out.

 

Other times, because of my aloof nature, when I got too involved in some project, he felt undesired, because of a lack of attention.

I wonder if - at least for some posters - this is another terminology thing.  I’m saying that because I wouldn’t describe the two things you give as examples above (or some of the ones vega listed, for that matter) in terms of desire.

 

Instead, I would say I wasn’t feeling connected, included, or valued.  To me, personally, “desire” is more like “hunger.”

 

I should be able to explain my thinking better but the words just aren’t coming.  My reaction to being cut off from someone’s inner life (due to communication issues, lack of available time, etc.) just feels different than does being denied something for which I am hungry... both in nature and in acuity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
49 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I wonder if - at least for some posters - this is another terminology thing.  I’m saying that because I wouldn’t describe the two things you give as examples above (or some of the ones vega listed, for that matter) in terms of desire.

 

Instead, I would say I wasn’t feeling connected, included, or valued.  To me, personally, “desire” is more like “hunger.”

 

I should be able to explain my thinking better but the words just aren’t coming.  My reaction to being cut off from someone’s inner life (due to communication issues, lack of available time, etc.) just feels different than does being denied something for which I am hungry... both in nature and in acuity.

I understood it to mean "wanted" in a one-on-one sense. based on what she said. If desire is only sexual, then her comment:

 

On 6/28/2018 at 9:08 PM, vega57 said:

Being "desired" for their personality...values...humor...beliefs...philosophy about life...religious beliefs...likes...dislikes et al, don't even come into play, except as something secondary.

is meaningless.

 

Which sort of addresses the jargon, but not the point she was making regardless of choice of words.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

This is a really shallow way of looking at it.

 

I think of it as an aching tooth. You normally aren't in the habit of poking your teeth with your tongue, but the tongue goes there if there is a problem.

 

I think it is very insulting to think that sexuals aren't capable of valuing other kinds of desire or see them as secondary. And it is logically absurd. It is like saying that if you want your partner to desire sharing a home with you, "personality...values...humor...beliefs...philosophy about life...religious beliefs...likes...dislikes et al, don't even come into play". A couple interacts on many levels all the time. And it is normal to want the relationship to be HOLISTIC.

 

The fact is, in ANY relationship, if there is a problem on one level, that level tends to take up attention. Before my ace found out he was sexual, we went through a pretty hard phase where he found himself simply unable to identify and verbalize his feelings. On crucial things. I felt unloved then, because he wouldn't share what mattered to him, what was on his mind, and so on. I wasn't even thinking about the sex, which seemed fine. He actually said in a chat at one point, that all that seems to matter to me is that he be able to express himself. He's the ace. But we were in a long distance relationship, so the long gaps made him quite comfortable with the occasional sex. So, feeling desired at that time, was about feeling like he shared what was on his mind with me, instead of blocking me out.

 

Other times, because of my aloof nature, when I got too involved in some project, he felt undesired, because of a lack of attention.

 

Believing that sexuals don't value things other than sex may seem like a comforting thing - they have and want sex, and we do everything else, but the fact of it is that given the number of sexuals in comparison with aces, those things wouldn't even be the norms to desire in a relationship if they didn't matter to sexuals. Nor is there any shortage of frustrated sexuals. Most long term relationships go through times of mismatch. It doesn't turn anyone into sex obsessed creatures unable to value anything other than sex except as a distant second. Though I can see why it is comforting to somehow try and paint us as people who don't treasure things that really matter. To put it bluntly, the repeated implication in your post seems to be that because we value what you dislike, we can't possibly value something that really matters to aces as well. It is a logical fallacy.

@vega57 to make it really, really obvious, I'm an attractive woman. There is no shortage of men who find me desirable and sexually scorching hot. And I'm poly. And yet my ace is the sole "partner" I have currently and I'm not even in any hurry to change it. If being desired sexually was the biggest priority, I'd be sleeping with a new man every night and having relationships with them instead of my ace. There wouldn't be mixed relationships. Not even by accident, because even if an ace discover they are ace later on, the "feeling desired" is iffy at best, if not altogether absent from the word go.

 

Would you stay with a handsome, witty ace with a very similar philosophy in life, whose domestic habits you found irritating? Does that mean that compatible domestic habits were all that mattered most to you, and everything else, like say sexual compatibility or similar values came a distant second?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

I understood it to mean "wanted" in a one-on-one sense. based on what she said. If desire is only sexual, then her comment:

 

is meaningless.

 

Which sort of addresses the jargon, but not the point she was making regardless of choice of words.

Agreed.

 

I can see someone raising a similar point (be it valid or not) by saying that some people value having their desires satiated above all else when it comes to relationships.

 

To me that makes more sense and speaks better to how I feel... but that’s just me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 year later...
On 6/28/2018 at 1:30 PM, max9701 said:

As a sexual, I wouldn't put it that way. More like being desired sexually feels necessary, in addition to love for one's worldview, sense of humor, personality, etc. Sex is one part of a greater connection, and (speaking for myself) it's really difficult to separate it from the rest. It's just a part of who I am.

married to an ACE is like being invited to a party where you know you are NOT wanted !

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, frednsa said:

married to an ACE is like being invited to a party where you know you are NOT wanted !

You mean like this old ass 2-year-old thread?

Link to post
Share on other sites

 closing due to necromancy

 

Iff, 

Moderator, sexual partners, friends, and allies

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...