Putting being sexual in a whole different light!

[EmmyAtty]

Hi all.

 

First of all, I'd just like to say that this community is absolutely amazing. So supportive and friendly which is exactly what my partner and I need at the moment.

 

My husband (married 2, together 7) and I had been struggling in the bedroom and we tried all of the normal things - talk therapy, medication etc. It felt like it was such a shame because our relationship is absolutely cracking. We are incredibly intimate - he is absolutely the love of my life and I would not change nor return him for anything.

 

Very recently, after some research I asked him if he'd ever considered that he were asexual. I knew his sexual history and it just made some sense to me. He's been doing his own research and I do believe he is mooching around on this forum a fair bit. It is looking more certain that he considers himself a gray-asexual. By the time he had made this realisation I'd already connected the dots so it hasn't been a surprise to me that he is finding a lot of others whose experiences match his own - I think he's relieved. He also chuckled that I pointed out that he has a flag that he can be very proud of now and he can have cake whenever he wants. 😁

 

Now, I am actually alright with the fact that he is gray-asexual. As I said to him, I didn't marry his penis so if we keep an open dialogue I think we can work this out which I know makes us both very happy. I love him very much and I couldn't imagine life without him. Things may shift a little but for now, we got this.

 

After my long rambly-ness my question is this.....Sexual partners and allies...how (if at all) has your asexual/gray-sexual partner changed how you view sex/yourself?

 

I ask because for me, it's almost a relief to know that it wasn't me. I don't mean that to sound pathetic (although it blates does) but there's no other way to put it. My self-esteem had taken an absolute knocking but I find myself a mixture of sad, so happy for him and relieved. It's an odd one! 💁‍♀️

 

Hooray for cake! 🍰

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I can't answer your question because I'm an Aromantic Asexual and have never had or desired a relationship.

But I wish you both luck with yours.

 

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

Welcome to the community. There's an infinite abundance of cake to go around. 

[Guest]

Hooray for cake indeed!  🍰

 

 

Good to hear you're able to work through it. It sounds like the love is strong between you two and that's really important in making it work. True love is the connection two people have on a far greater level than sex alone so hopefully you will only get stronger, even if at times you go through hard times.

[iff]

Welcome to aven, EmmyAthy and thanks for sharing your story

 

[Blissful_Sins]

1 hour ago, EmmyAtty said:

normal

What's normal for you is abnormal for me ~ Sorry just a joke 😛 kinda

 

First off welcome to AVEN to you and your husband! Here's some cake!

 

 

 

1 hour ago, EmmyAtty said:

how you view sex/yourself

Second, I view sex as I've always viewed it, weird and pointless no offense, since I've found out I'm an Ace and before

As for myself, eh nothing's changed, everything about me is still the same

I mean some people are still annoying about "oh it's just a phase you'll get over it" or "it isn't a real orientation" or "no one can not have sexual feelings" but that's never stopped me from being... me

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, EmmyAtty said:

Hi all.

 

First of all, I'd just like to say that this community is absolutely amazing. So supportive and friendly which is exactly what my partner and I need at the moment.

 

My husband (married 2, together 7) and I had been struggling in the bedroom and we tried all of the normal things - talk therapy, medication etc. It felt like it was such a shame because our relationship is absolutely cracking. We are incredibly intimate - he is absolutely the love of my life and I would not change nor return him for anything.

 

Very recently, after some research I asked him if he'd ever considered that he were asexual. I knew his sexual history and it just made some sense to me. He's been doing his own research and I do believe he is mooching around on this forum a fair bit. It is looking more certain that he considers himself a gray-asexual. By the time he had made this realisation I'd already connected the dots so it hasn't been a surprise to me that he is finding a lot of others whose experiences match his own - I think he's relieved. He also chuckled that I pointed out that he has a flag that he can be very proud of now and he can have cake whenever he wants. 😁

 

Now, I am actually alright with the fact that he is gray-asexual. As I said to him, I didn't marry his penis so if we keep an open dialogue I think we can work this out which I know makes us both very happy. I love him very much and I couldn't imagine life without him. Things may shift a little but for now, we got this.

 

After my long rambly-ness my question is this.....Sexual partners and allies...how (if at all) has your asexual/gray-sexual partner changed how you view sex/yourself?

 

I ask because for me, it's almost a relief to know that it wasn't me. I don't mean that to sound pathetic (although it blates does) but there's no other way to put it. My self-esteem had taken an absolute knocking but I find myself a mixture of sad, so happy for him and relieved. It's an odd one! 💁‍♀️

Welcome!

Very true on the sense of relief, "it wasn't me" & self esteem. It felt like a decade was rewritten with a new explanation for events.

A longer consequence has been some despair & struggle to accept the gifts that I am given. My partner doesn't mind providing sex, and wants me to be happy. And yet I still felt a lot of grief – I wanted to be _desired_ by the person I love (and who loves me). I won't have that. I've worked on accepting that it's OK to seek & receive sexual intimacy from him, knowing that he doesn't seem to *want* it beyond wanting to see me happy. Sometimes I feel disempowered and vulnerable in that asymmetry, sometimes I feel abusive or coercive (even when I'm assured it's okay).

And I wonder what you mean by gray – if only to note that it's confusing how asexuality is defined. A common definition, "does not experience sexual attraction" leaves one wondering "what is sexual attraction?" I mean, I think it feels like there can be a bit of gate-keeping around the word "asexual" that may leave someone reaching for a "gray" adjective if they want to engage in sexual intimacy to make a sexual partner happy. On the other hand, I agree that it's dangerous to suggest aces are typically amenable to sex. Asexuality faces so much disbelief, and there can be sexual coercion – I see sound motivation in the caution.

As for the view of myself... I no longer consider "being attractive to others" to be something I care about. IDGAF. I think instead about being aesthetically pleasing, but I've given up on the notion of yearning for someone to feel any desire for sexual intimacy with me.

Hopefully this all helps with figuring out where you are and where you are going. I find it really helpful to read others' stories: sometimes I see things in a new light, and often it reminds me to be thankful for what I have – not all partners are as communicative as mine has been.

[iam135]

Welcome to AVEN Emmy! I love cats and therefore love your profile picture, so I thought a cat cake would be fitting:

 

 

Being an aromantic who's never been in a romantic relationship, I unfortunately can't be of much help when it comes to relationship advice . But I think it's great that you're being so supportive of your husband!

 

 

[Kayze]

Reading your sexual identity: "Sexual - married to a gray-asexual and proud of it " - you're awesome! Always nice to find supportive people, regardless on what side of the sexual spectrum they are on.

 

I'm a gray-sexual and currently single so I can't speak too much on this but...

 

3 hours ago, EmmyAtty said:

I ask because for me, it's almost a relief to know that it wasn't me. I don't mean that to sound pathetic (although it blates does) but there's no other way to put it. My self-esteem had taken an absolute knocking but I find myself a mixture of sad, so happy for him and relieved. It's an odd one!

This is definitely a common thing. I've fooled around with guys where they feel like they've failed or take it personally because I don't have sexual attraction towards them or "get off" to their efforts. Except I had fun for the sensual stuff and was up for doing such again which I tried to let them know that. It's kinda like (to a lesser degree) someone finding out their opposite sex partner "became" homosexual and then feeling they were in some way the cause of it.

 

Do know that it's nothing about the sexual partner that's to blame these asexual-ish feelings. I know of plenty of people that are incredibly attractive and apparently masters at their craft (from what I hear) but I still don't have sexual attraction towards them. I mean, being that I'm a gray-a, I have some initial potential interests within my limited scope/circumstances but that can be easily demolished without fault of the other person.

 

Just as an asexual (of any variety) takes comfort in reminders from their sexual partner that the lack of sexual attraction isn't a bother or problem, I hope he does confirm that his asexual-ish feelings has nothing to do about you but is just how he feels towards anyone. That he love being with you and that absolutely cracking relationship (as you put it) is testament to his emotional feelings towards you. Communication and compromise is what relationships are all about and I'm happy it seems to have been working well!

Also he's a lucky guy to have such a supportive partner!

[Skywise]

On 6/18/2018 at 1:15 PM, EmmyAtty said:

Sexual partners and allies...how (if at all) has your asexual/gray-sexual partner changed how you view sex/yourself?

My wife came out to me a few weeks ago and I am still readjusting much of my perception of things.

 

I don't feel I am in a position to discuss how my view on sex has changed given how long I have been in a monogamous relationship.  I suspect even had I been in a sexual-sexual relationship, my view of sex would have changed over time.

 

Something I have spent much of the last few weeks reflecting on is how I perceive myself.  I feel wholly unattractive.  It has driven what many would perceive as a healthy lifestyle.  I lift weights 5 times a week.  I do yoga 2 times a week and cross fit 2-3 times a week.  I am very specific with my diet and try to maintain a precise BMI.  All of this in the hopes that my spouse will someday notice and desire me.

 

I completely understand the duality of relief and loss realizing it really is not you.  I have been able to intellectually understand this, but intrinsically I still feel unattractive and undesirable.

[EmmyAtty]

16 hours ago, Skywise said:

I have been able to intellectually understand this, but intrinsically I still feel unattractive and undesirable.

This just absolutely breaks my heart. I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. It must be incredibly difficult. 

 

As soon as I was aware that my husband was gray-asexual there was that hit of sadness. I briefly felt like he wasn't going to desire me anymore. I quickly realised our relationship wasn't going to work if both of us were not getting what we needed. I told him that whilst I completely accepted his new sexuality, I would also need some things from him to make ME happy too. 

 

Maybe ask your wife to simply tell you what she loves about you. Physically, emotionally etc. She could tell you what attracted her to you in the first place. I made my husband do this last night and we finished the conversation smiling.

 

Or perhaps ask for just more physical activity. Laying in bed together or even playing a sport together can be really bonding and you get that hit of touch without sex. 

 

I think what I'm trying to say is open up to her. It sounds like you're being an incredibly supportive partner. However, she also needs to support you right now. It's difficult for both sides. Share and hopefully you can develop a plan where you both get what you need to be happy. 

 

I'm happy to talk it through further. Do feel free to contact me as I'm going through the exact same thing. You are definitely not alone as I'm sure this forum has shown you. 

 

Good luck!!

[EmmyAtty]

On 6/18/2018 at 8:25 PM, Blissful_Sins said:

some people are still annoying about "oh it's just a phase you'll get over it" or "it isn't a real orientation" or "no one can not have sexual feelings" but that's never stopped me from being... me

Oooh, that does drive me crazy when people react so flippantly to something like that. Nothing screams ignorant like saying something like that. I'm glad to hear it's not affecting you though. You do you and be proud of it!! 👍

 

Thanks for the cake. 😁

[EmmyAtty]

On 6/18/2018 at 9:05 PM, anisotropic said:

As for the view of myself... I no longer consider "being attractive to others" to be something I care about. IDGAF. I think instead about being aesthetically pleasing, but I've given up on the notion of yearning for someone to feel any desire for sexual intimacy with me.

Hopefully this all helps with figuring out where you are and where you are going. I find it really helpful to read others' stories: sometimes I see things in a new light, and often it reminds me to be thankful for what I have – not all partners are as communicative as mine has been.

I have had the thought "oh, imagine the money I'll save on nice underwear!" 😉

 

This is an excellent forum. Both my husband and I are getting SO much support and knowledge from it. I'm glad to hear that you've got a communicative partner. I wouldn't want to go through this major shift with someone who has difficulty sharing certainty things. 

 

Thanks for the cake!!

[EmmyAtty]

On 6/18/2018 at 9:13 PM, iam135 said:

Welcome to AVEN Emmy! I love cats and therefore love your profile picture, so I thought a cat cake would be fitting:

 

 

Being an aromantic who's never been in a romantic relationship, I unfortunately can't be of much help when it comes to relationship advice . But I think it's great that you're being so supportive of your husband!

 

 

Best cake evaaaaaarrr!! 😄 Thanks so much for the warm welcome! I'm just so happy that this forum exists. It's made this whole experience a lot easier to process. 

[EmmyAtty]

On 6/18/2018 at 11:15 PM, Kayze said:

Just as an asexual (of any variety) takes comfort in reminders from their sexual partner that the lack of sexual attraction isn't a bother or problem, I hope he does confirm that his asexual-ish feelings has nothing to do about you but is just how he feels towards anyone. That he love being with you and that absolutely cracking relationship (as you put it) is testament to his emotional feelings towards you. Communication and compromise is what relationships are all about and I'm happy it seems to have been working well!

Thanks for pointing this out. We are both working hard to work out a way that we both get what we need emotionally from our ongoing relationship so we'll bear this in mind. And also, thanks for saying I'm awesome. My husband is pretty awesome too, so as far as I'm concerned, it pretty easy supporting this through him even though there will be challenges ahead. Onwards and upwards and all that! 

[MrDane]

Quick answer must be: sex is no longer mutual love making in itself. It is closer to getting help with masturbating.

[vega57]

On 6/18/2018 at 11:15 AM, EmmyAtty said:

...how (if at all) has your asexual/gray-sexual partner changed how you view sex/yourself?

I imagine that some people's views about sex can change if they delve deep into their psyche and ask themselves questions...such as, WHY do I want/"need" sex in order to feel 'good' about myself and "us"?  Why is sex so important to me?  Why is sex a catalyst to my own self-esteem?  

 

I know that after discovering my own asexuality, I asked myself some of the same questions.  The first question I asked was, "WHY am I having sex?" in the first place.  My answer was, "To make the other person HAPPY".  Then I started doing some research and I realized that I can't "make" ANYONE "happy".  I can only contribute to their overall happiness.  But pleasure and happiness are definitely NOT the same thing.  
 

Quote

 

True love is the connection two people have on a far greater level than sex alone

 

This is SO TRUE!  Unfortunately, there are too many people out there (IMO) who ONLY feel "love" while they're having sex.  It's like, they get no other pleasure from life other than sex.  On a scale from one-to-ten, sex is a 10...and everything else barely makes a "5".  

•  1

 

On 6/18/2018 at 1:05 PM, anisotropic said:

 My partner doesn't mind providing sex, and wants me to be happy. And yet I still felt a lot of grief – I wanted to be _desired_ by the person I love (and who loves me). I won't have that. I

When sexuals talk about wanting to be "desired", I see that it means that they want to be sexually desired.  Being "desired" for their personality...values...humor...beliefs...philosophy about life...religious beliefs...likes...dislikes et al, don't even come into play, except as something secondary.  

 

On 6/20/2018 at 12:41 PM, EmmyAtty said:

Or perhaps ask for just more physical activity. Laying in bed together or even playing a sport together can be really bonding and you get that hit of touch without sex. 

YES!  It CAN be bonding, sometimes even MORE so than having sex!  One of the most incredible moments I ever had with my ex-husband had NOTHING to do with sex.  We were laying in bed one night and we were just talking.  Fully clothed.  He confessed something very vulnerable, and I remember saying to him, "After hearing what you just said, I feel like you just made love to my soul."  

 

So, yes.  The "bonding" that sexuals talk about can be had WITHOUT the sexual aspect.

 

More so.  

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 6/18/2018 at 10:13 PM, iam135 said:

Welcome to AVEN Emmy! I love cats and therefore love your profile picture, so I thought a cat cake would be fitting:

 

 

I could never cut such a cake, I'd rather leave it until it spoiled. I would feel like a sadist if I tried to cut it...

[max9701]

1 hour ago, vega57 said:

 

When sexuals talk about wanting to be "desired", I see that it means that they want to be sexually desired.  Being "desired" for their personality...values...humor...beliefs...philosophy about life...religious beliefs...likes...dislikes et al, don't even come into play, except as something secondary.  

 

As a sexual, I wouldn't put it that way. More like being desired sexually feels necessary, in addition to love for one's worldview, sense of humor, personality, etc. Sex is one part of a greater connection, and (speaking for myself) it's really difficult to separate it from the rest. It's just a part of who I am.

[anisotrophic]

12 hours ago, vega57 said:

When sexuals talk about wanting to be "desired", I see that it means that they want to be sexually desired.  Being "desired" for their personality...values...humor...beliefs...philosophy about life...religious beliefs...likes...dislikes et al, don't even come into play, except as something secondary.

Yes I'm using it to mean sex, that was in the immediately preceding sentence. And yes that is a very typical shorthand outside these forums, and it is furthermore contextually reasonable given the conversation at hand.
 

I've asked my partner to give me compliments for other things, and have noted that it would be especially helpful in the context of my sense of rejection in this _sexual_ facet, but he doesn't do anything to make me feel desired for other reasons (and he acknowledges this continued failing). Your assertion that those other things are "secondary" is baseless; I'm not discussing those other disappointments here because we're talking about _asexuality_.

I don't appreciate how you took my personal experience and repurposed it, with a bit of unnecessary pedantry, (and rather than ask me for a clarification) to make a stereotyped statement about how you perceive an entire category of people. A statement that communicates to me a derogatory logical leap, as you describe this category of people as overly obsessed with "sexual desire" and treating other desires as secondary. There is an enormous difference between "values sexual desire" and "values sexual desire as primary, and other facets as secondary".

[ryn2]

One thing that contributes to my confusion is that I don’t feel a need to be desired for those other things, either.  I enjoy sharing similarities with a partner (or friend, depending on the category) and can see how excessive differences in some of them might make forming and sustaining a bond difficult, but I don’t care if I’m desired for them.

 

I used to really struggle with self-esteem, and felt a real need for validation... but that was ultimately all in me and was a black hole no one (but me) could fill.

 

That’s the only thing that seems like it could even come (not very) close.  I guess I don’t get  the concept of needing to be desired (at any level) at all.

 

ETA:  I see this as a shortcoming in my understanding, not in those who do get something out of being desired.

[vega57]

10 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Your assertion that those other things are "secondary" is baseless; I'm not discussing those other disappointments here because we're talking about _asexuality_.

I don't appreciate how you took my personal experience and repurposed it, with a bit of unnecessary pedantry, (and rather than ask me for a clarification) to make a stereotyped statement about how you perceive an entire category of people. A statement that communicates to me a derogatory logical leap, as you describe this category of people as overly obsessed with "sexual desire" and treating other desires as secondary. There is an enormous difference between "values sexual desire" and "values sexual desire as primary, and other facets as secondary".

Whoa...

 

First of all, my "assertions" are directly coming from OTHER SEXUALS.  This is not about *me* going to sleep one night, and waking up thinking, "Gee.  THIS is how sexuals THINK!"  So when I say that other things besides sex are "secondary", it comes directly from hearing from a LOT of sexuals who say that.  It's not *me* who says that:  It's THEM.  I've seen too many sexuals in too many forums who have written, "Everything else (s)he does is wonderful, BUT, it's SECONDARY when it comes to sex!"  Yes, it's a direct quote, and yes, it has been said by sexuals.  There was a guy in one forum who wrote about this.  He said that he couldn't care LESS that his wife brought him coffee in the morning...or that she filled his tank up with gas...or that she accompanied him to his mother's birthday, even though he knew his mother hated her...or that she shouldered the responsibility for taking their children to and fro soccer practice.  All of that didn't matter to him.  What mattered MOST is that she greeted him at the door, in the nude...holding a drink, and "doing him" at the doorway.  Those were HIS words.  Guess how many "likes" he got from his post.  

 

So, if you're someone who looks at that forum, you get the idea--sexual or asexual--that the NUMBER ONE thing that a sexual wants is...SEX!  AND, that everything else comes in second.  

 

 

 

 

 

[vega57]

37 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

One thing that contributes to my confusion is that I don’t feel a need to be desired for those other things, either.  I enjoy sharing similarities with a partner (or friend, depending on the category) and can see how excessive differences in some of them might make forming and sustaining a bond difficult, but I don’t care if I’m desired for them.

 

I used to really struggle with self-esteem, and felt a real need for validation... but that was ultimately all in me and was a black hole no one (but me) could fill.

 

That’s the only thing that seems like it could even come (not very) close.  I guess I don’t get  the concept of needing to be desired (at any level) at all.

 

ETA:  I see this as a shortcoming in my understanding, not in those who do get something out of being desired.

Ryn, I can honestly say that you're one of the few people I've known to be HONEST with yourself.  You have a sense of humility which, to me, is so obvious in your posts.  Your honesty is refreshing, to say the least.  

 

I am sad for you because you don't seem to be able to find a way to feel validated WITHOUT someone else (your spouse, especially) to TELL you that you are a worthy person.  

 

It took me a long, LONG time for me to get to where I am today.  That is, that I got to a point to where I realized that I don't need any validation from ANYONE about WHO I am.  The one reason I have for that is my God and Jesus.  But aside from that...

 

Had anyone approached me 30 years ago and wanted my wallet, I would have given it to them...and coward, shaking on the ground.  If the same thing happened TODAY, I would tell them, "Look...dude...if you want my wallet, ONE of us will go to jail, and ONE of us is going to be dead.  Which one do YOU want to be?"  Even if he pulled out a guy, I would fight til death.  That's one nice perk about being older...you realize that you no longer have to put up with anyone's crap!  

 

The rest I'm going to PM you...

[uhtred]

We keep running into the concept of "necessary but not sufficient".  Food is necessary but not sufficient to keep you alive - you also need air, water etc.  A steering wheel is necessary but not sufficient for a car to be functional.  Money is necessary but not sufficient for most people to have happy lives.  Salt is necessary but not sufficient for most food to taste good.  

 

Its a very common concept so I don't see why it is confusing about sex.   For many sexuals, sex is *necessary but not sufficient* for happiness. That doesn't make it the *most important thing* it is simply one of the necessary things.   Its talked about here because this is a forum on asexuality and so human sexual behavior is naturally the main subject.  If this were a forum on financial management, people would be talking about their financial issues. 

 

 

I'm very happy to hear when people are able to compromise in a sexual / asexual relationship.   I would caution though that not all compromises are really compromises. Some asexuals are suffering through unwanted sex in order to keep their partners. Some sexuals (like me) are suffering without sex because they don't' want to leave their partners. 

 

If you asked my wife, she would say that we have found a great compromise that makes us both happy.  We haven't. I've just given up telling her that I'm unhappy when there is nothing she can do about it and and no point making her also feel bad . I've communicated very clearly in the past and been rejected. 

[ryn2]

18 minutes ago, vega57 said:

I am sad for you because you don't seem to be able to find a way to feel validated WITHOUT someone else (your spouse, especially) to TELL you that you are a worthy person.  

This definitely used to be me - not so much the spouse but in general - but I feel like I’ve left it pretty much completely behind over the years.  I’m not looking for anyone to make me feel worthy - which I know is something only I can do anyway - but I do find the differences between how I experience the world and how others experience it interesting (and sometimes puzzling, and/or frustrating).

[max9701]

1 hour ago, vega57 said:

 

So, if you're someone who looks at that forum, you get the idea--sexual or asexual--that the NUMBER ONE thing that a sexual wants is...SEX!  AND, that everything else comes in second.  

 

That's understandable, but one has to be careful about painting with too broad a brush. What "a sexual" wants is different for every sexual. If the number one thing I wanted was sex, I'd have left my wife long before we got married.

[anisotrophic]

10 hours ago, vega57 said:

First of all, my "assertions" are directly coming from OTHER SEXUALS.  This is not about *me* going to sleep one night, and waking up thinking, "Gee.  THIS is how sexuals THINK!"  So when I say that other things besides sex are "secondary", it comes directly from hearing from a LOT of sexuals who say that.  It's not *me* who says that:  It's THEM.  I've seen too many sexuals in too many forums who have written, "Everything else (s)he does is wonderful, BUT, it's SECONDARY when it comes to sex!" 

These statements are coming from other individuals. I am an individual.

 

12 hours ago, vega57 said:

When sexuals talk about wanting to be "desired", I see that it means that they want to be sexually desired.  Being "desired" for their personality...values...humor...beliefs...philosophy about life...religious beliefs...likes...dislikes et al, don't even come into play, except as something secondary.

I don't like having you use my experience to make a generalization about a demographic I am part of. This is particularly noxious when I find that generalization to be untrue for me, and when I find the generalization to be insulting. (These may be related: I don't think this way, and I wouldn't want to.)

Really, I think you should be wary about making general observations about any demographic. I don't care if you've seem some or many individuals do it. Be wary of "confirmation bias" and "reporting bias". But if you must, I strongly recommend you make an effort to recognize they are a collection of individuals, and your observations may not apply to all of them -- or even most of them.

• Try using "some" or "many" when you're making a general statement about a group (see how @uhtred did it above?)
• If you are responding to or quoting a person, recognize that they might not match the generalization.
• Get specific immediately -- e.g. "I've observed other people in the demographic saying stuff like X or Y"
• Recognize that your observation might not be very true in the first place, avoid making it sound facty -- e.g. "maybe this is a common for [demographic]?"

[ryn2]

3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

One thing that contributes to my confusion is that I don’t feel a need to be desired for those other things, either.  I enjoy sharing similarities with a partner (or friend, depending on the category) and can see how excessive differences in some of them might make forming and sustaining a bond difficult, but I don’t care if I’m desired for them.

Sorry, had an appt. and am just getting back to this now.  AVEN is soooo slow.  Anyway, I thought by saying the above I was largely saying (if anything related at all) the opposite of the below?

 

2 hours ago, vega57 said:

...you don't seem to be able to find a way to feel validated WITHOUT someone else (your spouse, especially) to TELL you that you are a worthy person.

I’d wondered if I’d left out a not or a don’t but it doesn’t look like it.

[uhtred]

I think it is common for people to want to be "validated" by the opinions of others, its a very important feedback mechanism in society. Its a way for someone to know if they are behaving properly. 

 

This an of course be very negative in cases where society has strong irrational biases - for instance in a society that is biased against homosexuals (despite them not causing  harm to society) that (irrational negative) feedback can be very painful.  In other cases though the feedback is important, it encourages people to behave in ways that benefit society. 

 

So I think that in general it is reasonable to at least pay attention to feedback from others, even if you do keep an open mind to reject any feedback that is clearly irrational. 

[ryn2]

I was just wondering if “most people” (as in, the ones posting here) want or feel a need to be desired in non-sexual ways as well as sexually.  I don’t think I feel a (want or) to be desired for non-sexual reasons either.