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ryn2

Does sex not get boring for you?

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uhtred
5 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Makes sense.  My current partner seems to be uncomfortable in general with any interaction where he feels he might be judged, even when he’s subsequently is able to apologize and volunteer that he knows *I* would not judge him there... which leaves very little room for even the most kindly delivered constructive criticism.  Some of that is clearly him.  I don’t know what part is legitimately me, or what is due to/worsened by societal pressures around ED.

Its possible this is tied to frequency.  I know that for me, because sex is rare, I feel under a great deal of pressure not to "get it wrong".   (Yes, this is in many ways stupid and self-defeating).  Its just that I fear doing something my wife won't like, which could not only end sex that time, but maybe disincline her to want to do it again for a while. 

 

If we were having frequent sex, then I would be very happy to experiment and would have no problem if things didn't go perfectly. 

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uhtred

Its possible that the interests ACEs have can be confusing to some partners.  They may assume that an overall low interest in sex also translates to a low interest in variety - which may be exactly wrong. 

 

Conversations are great if they can be had in an open way. 

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ryn2
43 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Its possible this is tied to frequency.  I know that for me, because sex is rare, I feel under a great deal of pressure not to "get it wrong".   (Yes, this is in many ways stupid and self-defeating).  Its just that I fear doing something my wife won't like, which could not only end sex that time, but maybe disincline her to want to do it again for a while. 

 

If we were having frequent sex, then I would be very happy to experiment and would have no problem if things didn't go perfectly. 

That makes sense, and I can see how it would worsen an existing issue (or cause one in your case), but it was a problem for him when we were doing it daily.  Some of that may also be that he had made just two attempts at PIV sex before meeting me, both with the same person, and that person apparently gave up on the ED right away. 

 

It’s hard to know when he can’t seem to talk openly about it.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Serran said:

My partner and i dont even always do things to each other (sexually).. sometimes only one or the other.. its more about the fun of playing around and freedom of each others bodies. Maybe you could convince your partner to branch out a bit, if its for a more enthusiastic partner in return?

No real luck in the past but I suppose it can’t hurt to discuss it again!

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Skywise

This discussion has gone far and wide.  I will try to answer the original question.

 

Asking if sex gets boring for me is like asking if hugging ever gets boring, or holding hands, or having a quiet meal together.  It is an intrinsic part of connecting as a partner in life.  It is a shared moment of intimacy that is personal only to each of us.  It is what makes "me" and "her" into "we."

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Sweet Potato
On 6/18/2018 at 7:42 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Oh right. Oral is bordering on exotic to him.... 

oh boy. Im more experienced than that and Im ace!

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Serran
On 6/18/2018 at 8:22 PM, ryn2 said:

No real luck in the past but I suppose it can’t hurt to discuss it again!

What way did you suggest it? Maybe if you try suggesting things in a playful " i really wanna try this with you, i think it might be hot" way ?

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ryn2
4 hours ago, Serran said:

What way did you suggest it? Maybe if you try suggesting things in a playful " i really wanna try this with you, i think it might be hot" way ?

It wasn’t that he said no... it was just that it always ended up being more of the same.  To use Tele’s conversation analogy it’s like he talks past/over me and does not listen.

 

Right now he will not engage in anything at all so any trying is a hypothetical future thing.

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ryn2
Just now, mzmolly65 said:

YES ^^^ this .. every damn time!

There is nothing more "off putting" than someone saying, "tell me what you want" and then they just go about doing whatever they want and completely ignore what you've said.  I've said it before in other posts ... that's when I adopt the "why bother" attitude and everything usually goes to sh!t after that.

Yes, exactly.  Nothing is as frustrating as specifically asking what I want, doing it wrong, and then getting angry/upset that I’m not acting right in response... or asking and then completely ignoring me, although following my suggestion once and then immediately reverting back to the wrong way for all future sessions is a close second.

 

It’s impossible for me to relax and get into whatever is going on when I have to be on high alert for something that is going to be uncomfortable in a bad way or that is going to have consequences if not dodged.

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Serran
7 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yes, exactly.  Nothing is as frustrating as specifically asking what I want, doing it wrong, and then getting angry/upset that I’m not acting right in response... or asking and then completely ignoring me, although following my suggestion once and then immediately reverting back to the wrong way for all future sessions is a close second.

 

It’s impossible for me to relax and get into whatever is going on when I have to be on high alert for something that is going to be uncomfortable in a bad way or that is going to have consequences if not dodged.

Well doing it wrong is understandable if its a new thing. But, the rest is kind of into selfish lover territory. Which would frustrate anyone and make sex less interesting. 

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ryn2
Just now, Serran said:

Well doing it wrong is understandable if its a new thing. But, the rest is kind of into selfish lover territory. Which would frustrate anyone and make sex less interesting. 

My expectations with something new is that my partner and I would try it (carefully, if that applies) and see how we felt about it.  If one or both of us felt like it had potential but could use some practice/refinement, we would try again another time with that in mind.

 

This is more along the lines of “please don’t [xyz] because it [hurts in a bad way/gives me medical issue abc when you do/feels worse than efg, which is what you wanted me to compare to and see which I liked better],” or “I like [jkl] a lot better when you [mno] rather than [pqr].”

 

I get that it takes a while to make changes, but I’d at least expect a retroactive apology if my partner keeps doing something from the first group.  If he told me, for example, that it hurts if I squeeze his balls too hard and I accidentally did it again... I would feel bad and apologize.  I would not totally forget, or act as though he had never mentioned it before.

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Serran

Ah. Well. That sounds like completely selfish lover and understand why you would get bored. 

 

 

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ryn2
Just now, Serran said:

Ah. Well. That sounds like completely selfish lover and understand why you would get bored. 

 

 

I don’t think he means (meant?) to be that way.  My suggestions just don’t stick for some reason.  Also, some of the discomfort/medical issue things are caused by his ED (or worsened by how he doesn’t want any interruptions on the rare occasion things are mostly working because that will put an end to that round of PIV) which contributes to why I wish his view of what comprises sex was broader.

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Serran

He doesnt have to mean to be, but he is focusing on his needs and ignoring yours. Which, while understandable, doesnt lead to a very fulfilling experience for you which of course will make it boring. 

 

Maybe if you try to work it " this time lets focus on me, next time we will focus on you"? Sort of a fair trade deal. Me and my partner sometimes make times together about the other rather than trying to make it always mutual. 

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ryn2
11 minutes ago, Serran said:

He doesnt have to mean to be, but he is focusing on his needs and ignoring yours. Which, while understandable, doesnt lead to a very fulfilling experience for you which of course will make it boring. 

 

Maybe if you try to work it " this time lets focus on me, next time we will focus on you"? Sort of a fair trade deal. Me and my partner sometimes make times together about the other rather than trying to make it always mutual. 

I feel like it’s the other way around... he claims to be focusing on me (and as far as I can tell thinks he is) but persists in reverting to “doing it wrong” quickly and consistently.  This is true  whether his own genitals are involved - if he is giving me oral or using his hand, e.g. - or not.

 

This led to a lot of arguments back when sex was actually happening because I would get annoyed about his insisting on doing something “for” me and then falling back to doing it in a way I did not enjoy at all.

 

If I offered to focus strictly on him he would normally decline, as he says bringing me pleasure is what brings him pleasure.

 

Eventually I thought he was ace and was doing it for me, which seemed dumb when what he was doing for me... wasn’t doing it for me.  Apparently I was wrong.

 

He now says the problem all along was that I was just going through the motions because of my orientation and that unconsciously killed his erection, etc.  He says he is much more sensitive to that than most people... which would make more sense to me if he wasn’t so apparently oblivious to non-verbal cues.

 

Maybe he thinks women irl react like they do in porn?

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ryn2

(my partner immediately before this one was 100% classic selfish - everything was about him, as it was “treatment for” his ADHD - but also very upfront about that... it was much less confusing but also got old)

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Serran

Hmm. He cant do something for you if he isnt listening. Does he watch a lot of porn? He could be mimicing what happens there and not realizing he needs to adjust to individual needs of each partner. Or he might be thinking " this makes them wet therefore must be good". Or previous partners liked it so might be assuming everyone does. 

 

My ex used to insist on oral "for me" when i told him many times i dont like it. If my current did that I would not be very interested. 

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ryn2
36 minutes ago, Serran said:

Hmm. He cant do something for you if he isnt listening. Does he watch a lot of porn? He could be mimicing what happens there and not realizing he needs to adjust to individual needs of each partner. Or he might be thinking " this makes them wet therefore must be good". Or previous partners liked it so might be assuming everyone does. 

 

My ex used to insist on oral "for me" when i told him many times i dont like it. If my current did that I would not be very interested. 

He watched a ton of porn before/when I first knew him.  He had only had any sort of sexual contact with a couple of people before me and had only attempted PIV sex a couple of times with one of them.  As far as I know his only sexual experience after he and I got married that didn’t include me was phone sex/chat room... if he has had an actual in-person affair with someone (he denies it consistently, and) I’ve not yet found out about it.

 

But, yes, I think he keeps falling back to what he learned from porn/what “worked” once for me previously.  And, yes, his persistent insistence on doing something “for me” that I honestly don’t like from anyone certainly didn’t make me less bored.

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vega57
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

He now says the problem all along was that I was just going through the motions because of my orientation and that unconsciously killed his erection, etc.  He says he is much more sensitive to that than most people... which would make more sense to me if he wasn’t so apparently oblivious to non-verbal cues.

Yeah.  I don't buy that for a moment, especially given his sexual history.  

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EmmyAtty

Again, just going back to the original question, talking as a sexual, sex is like a plate of spaghetti. As long as you don't mess up the ingredients, it's always very satisfying. And if you find regular old spaghetti is become a bit dull, you can play around with the concept. Add parmesan or red wine to the mix. 😂

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max9701
1 hour ago, EmmyAtty said:

Again, just going back to the original question, talking as a sexual, sex is like a plate of spaghetti. As long as you don't mess up the ingredients, it's always very satisfying. And if you find regular old spaghetti is become a bit dull, you can play around with the concept. Add parmesan or red wine to the mix. 😂

Red wine seems straightforward, but I'm going crazy trying to figure out how to properly use Parmesan...

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Sweet Potato
13 hours ago, mzmolly65 said:

YES ^^^ this .. every damn time!

There is nothing more "off putting" than someone saying, "tell me what you want" and then they just go about doing whatever they want and completely ignore what you've said.  I've said it before in other posts ... that's when I adopt the "why bother" attitude and everything usually goes to sh!t after that.

so much!!! "what kind of flooring should I get?" "vinyl click tiles" he comes back with ceramic expecting me to be happy about it

42 minutes ago, max9701 said:

Red wine seems straightforward, but I'm going crazy trying to figure out how to properly use Parmesan...

some creativity might be in order here, maybe after enough red wine the parmesan question just solves itself

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uhtred
17 hours ago, mzmolly65 said:

YES ^^^ this .. every damn time!

There is nothing more "off putting" than someone saying, "tell me what you want" and then they just go about doing whatever they want and completely ignore what you've said.  I've said it before in other posts ... that's when I adopt the "why bother" attitude and everything usually goes to sh!t after that.

Yup.  Sometimes I think what they really mean is "tell me that what I normally do is great".  Once I realized that, the conversations were much easier.  Its not really asking for new ideas, just asking for reassurance. 

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ryn2
4 hours ago, mzmolly65 said:

HA .. or in my case, when I tell my partner something hurts he looks at me with a shocked expression and replies, "my last girlfriend used to like that"

I would say “at least his theories have been tested on human subjects?” but it doesn’t seem to have helped any!

 

It was actually easier with my intentionally-selfish prior partner because he told me what I (he) liked and there was no room for discussion.  He had zero hurt feelings.

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ryn2
5 hours ago, uhtred said:

Yup.  Sometimes I think what they really mean is "tell me that what I normally do is great".  Once I realized that, the conversations were much easier.  Its not really asking for new ideas, just asking for reassurance. 

Interesting point!

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ryn2

Hm.  I’m not sure where all this leaves me.

 

On one hand, it’s entirely possible that I’m not ace (well, I guess that’s definite) or even near-ace.  On the other, there’s still the whole thing about rarely (never, anymore) self-inserting in my own fantasies and being more interested in sex that does not involve my assigned gender.

 

Also, I can only imagine “I may not actually be ace; it really may be something with you” is going to be received terribly, no matter how carefully it’s presented.  It’s probably most likely my partner will assume that I’m lying to keep him from leaving.

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ryn2

I should probably ask in one of the other threads what exactly a sex therapist does.  I don’t know anyone who is out about having seen one, or who works as one, so it’s a gap in my education.

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