Jump to content
ryn2

Does sex not get boring for you?

Recommended Posts

Telecaster68
5 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

the goal wasn’t to share in a fun experience but to get to the end and be able to say “go me, I’m awesome at this.”

My gender can be so fucking depressing at times...

 

Although, could it have been they were defining 'awesome' as giving you pleasure?

 

Where I was going with this was pretty much whether you've been with a partner who was able to meet your needs. One reading of what you've said is actually that you're pretty sexually adventurous and your partners weren't willing to be, so naturally you got bored, like a very bright kid in a class of dullards.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

So... late 90s, with them being born early 70s? Ish? I'm 50 this year. Oral wasn't some weird exotic thing when I was young so I don't think it would've been for people born after me.

 

By experienced, I meant both number of partners and variety of experience. The two aren't the same thing, obviously.

The current one was mid-90’s, born early-mid 70’s.  Past partners were born anywhere from early 60’s to early 70’s.

 

Several had had few/almost no prior partners, although others had had several to many.  I can’t speak to the variety of experiences those latter folks had within their prior relationships.

 

Oral was not exotic when I was a teen and I am older than you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Although, could it have been they were defining 'awesome' as giving you pleasure?

I believe they were defining awesome as being able to claim they had given me pleasure.  The evidence they were looking for was orgasm.  Signs more subtle than that (good and bad) did not seem to register.  Perhaps it was a “school of porn” problem.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Which reminds me of this...

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Where I was going with this was pretty much whether you've been with a partner who was able to meet your needs. One reading of what you've said is actually that you're pretty sexually adventurous and your partners weren't willing to be, so naturally you got bored, like a very bright kid in a class of dullards.

This is not impossible.  I was brought up in an environment where women ostensibly did not enjoy sex and did it it to find/keep men, so a possible alternative explanation to something grey-a-like could be that my expectations were too low (and/or I was selecting for a bad experience based on other factors).

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
21 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Which reminds me of this...

 

 

LOL!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

When we talked briefly about it in therapy I was hoping my partner might be open to a wider range of options, especially given his ED, but he seems to define sex as PIV.

 

52 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

One reading of what you've said is actually that you're pretty sexually adventurous and your partners weren't willing to be, so naturally you got bored, like a very bright kid in a class of dullards.

Wow. +1. Some of this is sounding like you might be uninterested in something that is boring.

It sounds frustrating! I can see why you'd question whether this is "asexuality" or... a heavy case of "getting bored". :(

(I mean, on my end – gosh, I'd do nearly anything my partner were interested in trying, if he were interested in anything! Not that I'm in a bad place. He's happy to try lots of things I want, I just gotta get cool with him not wanting anything himself.)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Yeah, it’s been so long that it’s hard to separate “I lost interest in this because it was frustrating and boring” from “I have no interest and the early stuff is an anomaly.”

 

Sorting that out (both at the time and now) is made more complex in this case by (his ED, and) his general sensitivity to being disrepected, blamed, etc.  Anything that smells even faintly of “you’re blaming this on me” to him is an instant non-starter.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I'm really conscious of how the 'you haven't had good sex ... yet' trope understandably winds up asexuals, but... you never know...

 

It's fairly common to read of sexual partners (on AVEN) or 'HLs' (elsewhere) who go off the idea of sex with their partners partly because it feels rapey with a reluctant partner (even if it's completely consensual), but also because for whatever reason the partners are just not interested in exploring anything new, classically five minutes of missionary with the light off. 

 

On your partner's being blamed thing - just in general, I think it's one of the things both sides have to get past in any relationship. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but you (general you) are where you are. You can either sit there being pissed off at each other, or figure out how to resolve the issue. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

This is not impossible.  I was brought up in an environment where women ostensibly did not enjoy sex and did it it to find/keep men, so a possible alternative explanation to something grey-a-like could be that my expectations were too low (and/or I was selecting for a bad experience based on other factors).

I can completely see how this would put you off saying 'tonight, darling, wear the sou'wester and bring the egg whisk'...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm really conscious of how the 'you haven't had good sex ... yet' trope understandably winds up asexuals, but... you never know...

Yeah, agreed, and even if that did turn out to be the case with me I would never turn around and espouse it as a cure-all for others.  I’m just not sure in my own case whether my disillusionment with sex is all me or partially situational.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I can completely see how this would put you off saying 'tonight, darling, wear the sou'wester and bring the egg whisk'...

Yeah, by the time I was comfortable with the idea that my kinks and interests were okay despite not being mainstream, I was long into this relationship... so it’s not something I acted on with any previous partners either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

On your partner's being blamed thing - just in general, I think it's one of the things both sides have to get past in any relationship. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but you (general you) are where you are. You can either sit there being pissed off at each other, or figure out how to resolve the issue. 

Agreed.  In his case, it typically appears (not just with this; with many things, if not everything) that he values defensively striking back against (what he feels is unwarranted) blame over anything else.  Perhaps some of this will surface in joint and be questioned there...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

It sounds pretty difficult to resolve if your partner is dead set that sex equals PIV and nothing else counts. If he was more flexible, you could agree to try some more off the wall stuff for, say, a month, and see if either of you got in to it.

 

Have you seen the Mojo Upgrade questionnaire? Each partner individually ticks off stuff they'd like to do, be okay doing, and definitely wouldn't do, then you see what matches you've got.

 

ETA: I just re-read the MojoUpgrade questions. One of them asks if you'd like to have pies thrown at you during sex. Wut?

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

It sounds pretty difficult to resolve if your partner is dead set that sex equals PIV and nothing else counts. If he was more flexible, you could agree to try some more off the wall stuff for, say, a month, and see if either of you got in to it.

 

I can’t come up with answer to this that doesn’t sound awful, considering that I - for whatever reason - set the whole thing aside ages ago and from an overall personality standpoint am fine with it staying tabled.  He’s the one that wants to get back to it with a person who genuinely desires his narrow definition (with one and only one add-on that happens to be something that totally doesn’t work for me).

 

9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Have you seen the Mojo Upgrade questionnaire? Each partner individually ticks off stuff they'd like to do, be okay doing, and definitely wouldn't do, then you see what matches you've got.

I hadn’t, although I browsed the fantasies and it looks in some ways similar to a lot of BDSM contracts.  I like them better as they’re more matter-of-fact-feeling (to me... something about “sharing fantasies” puts me off, whereas I’m totally fine discussing the same things in the context of limits).

 

On my phone at least the section on anal is accompanied by a picture of a plain donut.  I LOL’d.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred

Separate from overall libido, it seems that some people are very open to experimentation, some are not.  

 

One part of this is how much people are negatively affected when sex doesn't go well. Do they laugh it off as a "well that didn't work, did it", or do they feel it was some great *failure*.   This has a lot to do with a couples's interaction. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
9 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Separate from overall libido, it seems that some people are very open to experimentation, some are not.  

 

One part of this is how much people are negatively affected when sex doesn't go well. Do they laugh it off as a "well that didn't work, did it", or do they feel it was some great *failure*.   This has a lot to do with a couples's interaction. 

 

 

Makes sense.  My current partner seems to be uncomfortable in general with any interaction where he feels he might be judged, even when he’s subsequently is able to apologize and volunteer that he knows *I* would not judge him there... which leaves very little room for even the most kindly delivered constructive criticism.  Some of that is clearly him.  I don’t know what part is legitimately me, or what is due to/worsened by societal pressures around ED.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

When I mentioned in joint therapy last week that I’d been doing research/talking with people and my experiences are more in line with fraysexual than asexual, the therapist asked me to think about why I lose interest.

 

This is a bit of a challenge as I’m thinking back a long way.

 

One thing I do remember is that sex quickly gets boring.  At the very beginning of the relationship there’s a lot of mystery - will we or won’t we?  What exactly will we do?  Will it lead to more? - but that quickly seems to settle into yes we’re going to do it, it’s going to be the quickest way to PIV, and then it’s done.  I remember complaining to my partners that it had all gotten so formulaic... but even if we tried going back to just making out and seeing what happened it quickly reverted to that same rut.

 

If I didn’t want a lasting relationship and got bored with people as quickly it would probably not be an issue.

 

Sexuals, do you have this same experience?  If not, do you have to work to avoid it or does it just not happen to you?

Shere Hite briefly addressed this phenomenon in her book The Hite Report:  A Nationwide Study on Female Sexuality, originally published in 1976.  Seems that a number of women were bored with the whole reproductive 'pattern' that sex seemed to yield:  (Usually) foreplay, followed by thrusting (PIV), followed by (male) ejaculation, most often signalling the end of "sex".  And it wasn't only the "pattern" that was boring, but the whole "routine" of sex that became boring.  Even if the actual sex was "spiced up", it still followed a similar patter, into a similar routine.  

 

I read a curious story online a few months ago, about a younger man who was complaining about how he seemed to "grow tired" of his sexual partners rather quickly.  His longest relationship was about 3 months.  He questioned why he was getting tired of them so quickly and added as a last sentence, "Maybe I'm not bored with my partners, but I'm just bored with sex in general, after having so much of it in such a short period of time."  

 

I remember thinking that he may very well be onto something.   

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

I actually had to read the Hite report in college, before I had varied enough experience to make it meaninful.  Maybe I should revisit it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I actually had to read the Hite report in college, before I had varied enough experience to make it meaninful.  Maybe I should revisit it.

I looked into it (and still do from time to time) about 10 years ago.  That time, I really READ the thing, and didn't just skim over it.  

 

I'll tell ya, it was eye-opening, especially since I can now see how so many of the attitudes and beliefs *we* had back then, are still prevalent TODAY.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Yeah, I’m sure in college I skimmed it because Made To Read For Class.  I’ll give it a better go.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

I wonder if this in any way changes the fundamental problem... if he isn’t willing to consider his role in this (which it’s premature to know) and yet insistent upon having sex with an enthusiastically willing partner it probably doesn’t matter if I am ace or fray/grey or sexual.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Probably not. Takes two to, er, tango. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Probably not. Takes two to, er, tango. 

It likely decreases his chances of finding something better elsewhere but beyond the fleeting vindication of a quick “told you so” down the road a ways that doesn’t help me any.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran

With my ex things got rather boring, even more so than other partners i lacked attraction to. He would go straight to oral or PiV and didnt even like kissing or anything. For me, all the good stuff is the pre-oral and piv stuff. I asked for more kissing and caressing and he wasnt interested. So yeah with a partner that is not compatible it can be really bad. 

 

But i think boredom is a common enough thing. Lots of "spice up" ideas get given to sexual couples. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

I don’t want more stuff “done to” me, which is what requests to get back out of the habit of rushing to PIV seem to turn into.   I’ve thought that disinterest was because I was ace but maybe it’s “just” that the idea of more frustrating missed signals (which are worst in that setting, as the whole focus is in theory on my reaction) and yawner sex is not inspiring.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Janus DarkFox

Unfortunately for me... it does, though It's what I do for my compromise.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kayze
9 hours ago, ryn2 said:

When I mentioned in joint therapy last week that I’d been doing research/talking with people and my experiences are more in line with fraysexual than asexual, the therapist asked me to think about why I lose interest.

 

This is a bit of a challenge as I’m thinking back a long way.

 

One thing I do remember is that sex quickly gets boring.  At the very beginning of the relationship there’s a lot of mystery - will we or won’t we?  What exactly will we do?  Will it lead to more? - but that quickly seems to settle into yes we’re going to do it, it’s going to be the quickest way to PIV, and then it’s done.  I remember complaining to my partners that it had all gotten so formulaic... but even if we tried going back to just making out and seeing what happened it quickly reverted to that same rut.

 

If I didn’t want a lasting relationship and got bored with people as quickly it would probably not be an issue.

 

Sexuals, do you have this same experience?  If not, do you have to work to avoid it or does it just not happen to you?

Coming from a Gray-A perspective and having looked into this quite a bit, yes it does become boring. But it definitely depends on the person's sexual tastes/quirks, play variety and frequency. I know some people who are content with the same activity every night because of their sensitivity is so high or because it's spaced out enough that their pent up horniness makes even the most mundane sexual advances become extremely thrilling to them again.

 

My sexuality is exclusively tied to my fetish, which involves a body part and specific actions done to it. It's not genitals and the sexual attraction aspect is blurry but it does mean that I get off to the same general thing every time. The effectiveness of it varies and usually requires some sort of switch up; Either in the scenario or methods, like trying a new position and vibe/mood. But I do find that if I ignore my urges for long enough then even the mundane stuff I've done with it for years becomes highly thrilling again. This reoccurring event is what helps push away the fear that I'll get bored of it and end up with nothing that thrills me. Which is more specifically a fear that I may have urges that become even more difficult to cure.

 

Outside of fantasy, I definitely can see being with the same person has being difficult to keep the fire there, at least for my limited circumstances. I've fooled around with others and have somewhat of a lucky position to be offered it as frequently as I am but with my limited scope and general lack of sexual attraction, it's been REALLY shortly lived. If my unfortunately specific attractions align within someone, then I'm certain it'll have a better longevity but my experience has been that I find it hard to make it last with the same person on a regular basis. Switching up the vibe/mood and situation helps but unless they're a perfect match up of certain qualities, then it's extremely likely to be shortly lived even though it's fun initially. However, I'm sure that fun is mostly in the mystery of someone new, as you alluded.

 

My advice is to try and find ways to shake it up. Find what you enjoy most from it and how you can apply that to other circumstances, situations and vibes. For example, those who enjoy control (getting or giving it) can find a lot of activities that provide that desired sensation. Or those that just want vanilla sex can still find some light kinky things to spice it up enough to keep it fresh - Light bondage, sensual play, etc the helps builds up arousal for the eventual, typical act to then take place.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Thanks, @Kayze.  I do like a fair amount of kink activities and would be willing to try more if my partner would consider getting onboard.  Maybe we can work towards discussing it,

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t want more stuff “done to” me, which is what requests to get back out of the habit of rushing to PIV seem to turn into.   I’ve thought that disinterest was because I was ace but maybe it’s “just” that the idea of more frustrating missed signals (which are worst in that setting, as the whole focus is in theory on my reaction) and yawner sex is not inspiring.

My partner and i dont even always do things to each other (sexually).. sometimes only one or the other.. its more about the fun of playing around and freedom of each others bodies. Maybe you could convince your partner to branch out a bit, if its for a more enthusiastic partner in return?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...