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Does sex not get boring for you?


ryn2

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Telecaster68
3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Hm.  I’m not sure where all this leaves me.

 

On one hand, it’s entirely possible that I’m not ace (well, I guess that’s definite) or even near-ace.  On the other, there’s still the whole thing about rarely (never, anymore) self-inserting in my own fantasies and being more interested in sex that does not involve my assigned gender.

 

Also, I can only imagine “I may not actually be ace; it really may be something with you” is going to be received terribly, no matter how carefully it’s presented.  It’s probably most likely my partner will assume that I’m lying to keep him from leaving.

I yeah it's not going to be fun. 

 

I think not having fantasies involving yourself is just a personal thing, and only fancying the opposite sex just means you're heterosexual.... 

 

When/if you broach the subject, would framing it as a neutral 'hey I've fucked up, on further consideration I would like to have sex, here's the sex I'd like to have, let's try it for a couple of weeks and see what happens' go any better? 

 

Alternatively, and only as a means of getting the point across, is there any thing you can do entirely your own way that he really doesn't like? 

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

only fancying the opposite sex just means you're heterosexual.... 

Sorry, I meant my fantasies only involve male/male activities, not anything in any way involving women.  I’m not sure that proves anything useful but I do know not all heterosexual women share this.

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5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

When/if you broach the subject, would framing it as a neutral 'hey I've fucked up, on further consideration I would like to have sex, here's the sex I'd like to have, let's try it for a couple of weeks and see what happens' go any better? 

This would be a good approach, except that I think we’re going to have the conversation well in advance as right now I’m not sure ever having sex of any sort again is even something he’s willing to entertain.

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Telecaster68

Also, I have to say your partners do sound like they'd put off most sexual people too. I can't really put this tactfully.... just not very good lovers. 

 

From the start, my wife used to blow raspberries on me, just whichever bit  was to hand. I found it really annoying, but put up with it for a few months thinking she'd stop, but she never did, so then I kind of manoeuvred to avoid giving her the opportunity, hoping she'd get the point (I'm fairly sure I would've). Nope. Then I tried distraction techniques. Nope. Then just asking her to stop, saying I didn't enjoy it. She kept doing it, saying it was her showing her love and apparently me not liking it or taking it like that was irrelevant. Eventually after physically removing her face from me a few times she got the message, but at no point did she seem to register that just because she liked something, didn't mean I did. 

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Telecaster68
8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Sorry, I meant my fantasies only involve male/male activities, not anything in any way involving women.  I’m not sure that proves anything useful but I do know not all heterosexual women share this.

Some do. And most straight men fantasise about girl on girl. 

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Some do. And most straight men fantasise about girl on girl. 

Exclusively?  Anything that involves women is a total turnoff for me.

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Telecaster68
Just now, ryn2 said:

Exclusively?  Anything that involves women is a total turnoff for me.

Personally, if I'm not inserting myself into the fantasy, I'd far rather keep men out of it. I just don't like the prospect of male genitalia. 

 

Many women and quite a lot of men get turned on (or at least physically aroused) watching footage of the monkeys having sex, rape fantasies, risky sex, etc, so porn / fantasies don't correlate to real life necessarily. 

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8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Many women and quite a lot of men get turned on (or at least physically aroused) watching footage of the monkeys having sex, rape fantasies, risky sex, etc, so porn / fantasies don't correlate to real life necessarily. 

Totally agreed.  I just haven’t run into many people who are put off by things that do correlate to real life (in addition to being turned on by things that don’t).

 

I guess I’ll bring the whole thing up next week in joint therapy, since the therapist did ask me to think about it so we could investigate it more.

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4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Exclusively?  Anything that involves women is a total turnoff for me.

there is a scene in the movie The Kids are Alright where the son finds his mothers' porn and and asks them "why is it gay man porn?" but the mum explaining it in the film had said something similar to what you are saying.

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That’s a movie I haven’t seen in the longest time!

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5 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Totally agreed.  I just haven’t run into many people who are put off by things that do correlate to real life (in addition to being turned on by things that don’t).

 

I guess I’ll bring the whole thing up next week in joint therapy, since the therapist did ask me to think about it so we could investigate it more.

For me, I am only interested in physical intimacy with men but seeing men in porn or men naked kind of makes me gag. I have to REALLY like and respect the guy (ie Tom Hardy) to be able to see him completely naked without wanting to throw something at the TV and even then,  I'm still not actually interested in having sex with him. So I almost exclusively watch porn involving women if I'm watching porn (very rarely these days). On top of that, the only type of porn I've been able to watch in the past has to involve extreme torture  of beautiful ladies (not the faked kind either) Yet I have no interest in being tortured or torturing anyone else. And seeing the porn doesn't turn me on, but it can get me off if I'm already turned on. I think people's fantasies are just really strange and often very different from what you'd expect based on their sexual orientation.  I know a lady from AVEN  (won't mention any names though) who said a while back that she gets off to gay (male) porn and porn with cocks in despite being solely sexually attracted to women.. so yeah, when it comes to sexual fantasies there is no 'norm' I don't think :P

 

Good luck at the joint therapy session, hopefully you can find some insight ^_^

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13 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Good luck at the joint therapy session, hopefully you can find some insight ^_^

I’m mostly hopeful the joint therapist can help with the “you’re just saying what I want to hear” and “don’t for a second think you can blame all this on me” stuff that’s bound to follow my “it gets boring” disclosure.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

No, it isn't boring but a basic natural urge and instinct you must act on once in a while, at least in my case. There's no button to turn it off - unfortunatedly. Please let me know if you find it. It would make things much easier *lol*

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On 6/21/2018 at 9:19 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Personally, if I'm not inserting myself into the fantasy, I'd far rather keep men out of it. I just don't like the prospect of male genitalia. 

 

Many women and quite a lot of men get turned on (or at least physically aroused) watching footage of the monkeys having sex, rape fantasies, risky sex, etc, so porn / fantasies don't correlate to real life necessarily. 

I expect that there are two ways of viewing porn.  If you are viewing as a "spectator" then it would make sense to want porn that only has people of the gender that you are attracted to.  If you are instead imagining yourself as a *participant* then you need someone who's body you can relate to - for most people that is someone of the same gender. 

 

Then of course there are the pure fantasy scenes, which may not represent any sort of real desire.

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On 6/21/2018 at 5:43 PM, mzmolly65 said:

My husband and I have talked about seeing a sex therapist to see if it would help.  On one hand I want to go if it will save my marriage and on the other hand I'm afraid it's going to be just another case of someone suggesting I just need to relax .............. which does absolutely NOTHING to help the situation and only makes things much, much worse.

You could try out therapists in single session, to make sure you find one who does not put you off.

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Boring? No, and always nice for me. But allow me to make an analogy. 

He is very fond of chocolate. He loves chocolate. Most chocolates bring him joy. She is okay with chocolate, but is does not melt on her tongue and make her feel more happy than before the chocolate. He would like to try a variety of different chocolate tastes and types and ways to consume it. 

She always picks the flavour, usually the same. Often a small, discount chocolate, usually plain. Once in a while with nuts. Always served with a “lets just eat this cheap chocolate really fast” He eats his chocolate. Fast. Sometimes chokes a bit on it. It is nice, though. He lets her know that it was nice. Sometimes she just leaves the chocolate untouched. 

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I can’t really make the chocolate analogy work for this.

 

My experience has been that, at first, there is tension and mystery to it.  Before too long it becomes formulaic (not from my end)... just a series of steps to get to PIV, every time.

 

Then I get tired of it.

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On special occasions, he bought her chocolate. Something different each time, various flavours, nicely decorated. She never could tell what it would be, or when it would happen.

 

Then he started bringing home a bar of discounter chocolate each day after work.

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Telecaster68
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

 

My experience has been that, at first, there is tension and mystery to it.  Before too long it becomes formulaic (not from my end)... just a series of steps to get to PIV, every time.

 

Then I get tired of it.

When we were still (occasionally) having sex, I remember thinking that my wife's approach to foreplay was like preflight checks, a necessary process to ensure the main activity happened efficiently and predictably. I was thinking this *during * foreplay, which in retrospect was a bad sign in itself.

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5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

When we were still (occasionally) having sex, I remember thinking that my wife's approach to foreplay was like preflight checks, a necessary process to ensure the main activity happened efficiently and predictably. I was thinking this *during * foreplay, which in retrospect was a bad sign in itself.

Same, except my SO swears he is not anywhere on the ace end of the spectrum and is instead “very sexual,” so much that he’s likely dumping me over it.  Sigh.

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13 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I can’t really make the chocolate analogy work for this.

 

My experience has been that, at first, there is tension and mystery to it.  Before too long it becomes formulaic (not from my end)... just a series of steps to get to PIV, every time.

 

Then I get tired of it.

IMHO that is not the way that it *should* be (unless of course both partners want that, which is unlikely).  Unfortunately, separate from asexuality, there are some sexuals who are just really boring in bed and / or bad lovers.

 

Again my opinion, but I don't see PIV or orgasm as the "goal" in sex.  Sex isn't a means to an end, it is itself supposed to be enjoyable all the way along.  Foreplay may serve to get people aroused but that isn't its "function", it is itself a greatly enjoyable act.  Generally foreplay should not last until people are *able* to have sex, it should last until they are so aroused that they can't resist wanting more sex. PIV is great and can have a lot of variety with different positions, and more importantly different "moods".  It can be gentle and loving, it can be rough, passionate, wild, aggressive (on either side) etc etc. In an ideal world it would vary between all of these depending on people's moods.

 

Lots of things other than PIV are fun as well - not just as a warm-up, but as the main event if you will.  Many men are unable to orgasm more than once in a session, but they have lots of other body parts that they can use to pleas their partners if the partner is able to O multiple times (as many women can).

 

Ryn2, it sounds like you have been exposed to some very selfish /poor lovers.  Normally I wouldn't ask, and I don't want to give offense, but is it possible that you would enjoy sex under the right circumstances?  Can you imagine enjoying sex with a good generous lover.  (I know this is a pretty verboten topic, but your posts seem to indicate that your experiences have been very negative). 

 

 

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41 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Ryn2, it sounds like you have been exposed to some very selfish /poor lovers.  Normally I wouldn't ask, and I don't want to give offense, but is it possible that you would enjoy sex under the right circumstances?  Can you imagine enjoying sex with a good generous lover.  (I know this is a pretty verboten topic, but your posts seem to indicate that your experiences have been very negative). 

Well, that’s the underlying question... am I actually ace, or have the people I’ve been with put me off sex if you will?

 

Well, that, and “in the latter case, am I now old enough/burdened with sufficient health problems that the distinction is irrelevant because the window of opportunity has been missed?”

 

I think discussion is okay in this case because I (the maybe ace) am the one raising the question. :)

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Also, I should probably clarify that with one or two exceptions it’s likely my partners were clueless rather than selfish as - to me - “selfish” implies knowing there might be other things/techniques/whatever I could like better and yet always choosing what worked best for them.

 

I suppose you could classify “neglecting to get an education” as selfish but that assumes knowing one’s needed and knowing where to get it.

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Outside the sack, is rynhub the type of person who is more routine-oriented than flexible ... rigid ... to the extent that anything that disrupts or throws off his routine causes anxiety, which is manifested in his becoming snappy or angry?  I note in another thread that you said he was fired over his anger issues.  Does he have a pattern of getting overwhelmed and losing it?   In the sack, does his ED cause him to focus solely on 1, 2, 3, PIV lest he becomes overwhelmed and loses it ... while ignoring everything and everyone in his surroundings?  Or is he simply crap in the sack?

 

From what you have also stated, you are not to blame/judge/criticize him ... yet he blames your "orientation" for his ED.  Are you allowed to mention in therapy that he has ED or would that be considered pointing the finger at him?  Instead, are you supposed to foster the notion that he is "very sexual" while running around an internet forum trying to figure out how you are to blame?

 

While you may not consider rynhub "selfish", what word would describe his motivation for doing something you asked him not to do so much so that it is hard for you to relax and get comfortable?  Would "self focused" work?  Or maybe "forgetful"?

 

Lucinda

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20 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

 

Outside the sack, is rynhub the type of person who is more routine-oriented than flexible ... rigid ... to the extent that anything that disrupts or throws off his routine causes anxiety, which is manifested in his becoming snappy or angry?  I note in another thread that you said he was fired over his anger issues.  Does he have a pattern of getting overwhelmed and losing it?

 

I don’t think he’s particularly routine-oriented; that’s usually me, and it’s one of his complaints about me.

 

What he does have is a tendency to take things (not just, or even mostly, related to me) very personally and react to them as if they were intentional, personal attacks.  So, yes, he has a pattern of losing it but not over disrupted routines.

 

24 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

In the sack, does his ED cause him to focus solely on 1, 2, 3, PIV lest he becomes overwhelmed and loses it ... while ignoring everything and everyone in his surroundings? 

I’m not sure if it’s that, the fact that his primary learning tool was porn, or something else.  He says that it’s my poorly-hidden lack of interest.

 

26 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

From what you have also stated, you are not to blame/judge/criticize him ... yet he blames your "orientation" for his ED.

He normally only does the latter if I violate the former.  If he is not “striking back” he claims neither of us is to blame and it’s just incompatible orientations.

 

27 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

Are you allowed to mention in therapy that he has ED or would that be considered pointing the finger at him? 

I did mention it as part of telling the back-story, at which point he said it was because he could sense I did not desire him.  I said that wasn’t really fair/accurate as he’d told me the ED predated me, but he says his one other (brief) attempt at a sexual relationship was also with a girl who did not desire him.

 

30 minutes ago, Lucinda said:

While you may not consider rynhub "selfish", what word would describe his motivation for doing something you asked him not to do so much so that it is hard for you to relax and get comfortable?  Would "self focused" work?  Or maybe "forgetful"?

I wasn’t speaking just of him... I (unlike him) have several former partners, four of them in multi-year LTRs.

 

In his case in particular, “forgetful” is probably closest.  What I find is that he tends to be forgetful about things which cause him stress (like he’s putting them out of his mind, but not wholly consciously) but not of all things.

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1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Also, I should probably clarify that with one or two exceptions it’s likely my partners were clueless rather than selfish as - to me - “selfish” implies knowing there might be other things/techniques/whatever I could like better and yet always choosing what worked best for them.

 

I suppose you could classify “neglecting to get an education” as selfish but that assumes knowing one’s needed and knowing where to get it.

Not learning is somewhat selfish. I think a lot of people make an effort to learn to be good lovers. 

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46 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Not learning is somewhat selfish. I think a lot of people make an effort to learn to be good lovers. 

I’m sure they do.  I just feel differently about someone whose ignorance/fear/mental health/trauma has blocked them than I do about someone whose laziness or outright self-centered-ness (consciously thinking “no one else matters but/as much as me”) leads them to choose doing nothing.

 

I guess I have more sympathy/empathy in the first case... like I would for someone who skipped work over social anxiety versus someone who yawns and rolls over because they just don’t feel like working.

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  • 2 weeks later...
SilentRose

I relate a lot to your post, OP. I am recently coming to terms with the fact I can desire sex, but that it's highly sporadic and there are many things i just don't enjoy. There's definitely an emotional factor there if it's someone you care about- to me, giving pleasure to someone you care for doesn't get old. Also I suggest taking the time exploring and figuring out what you're truly into and what won't fail to get you excited- might be sex in exotic/public places, something kinky, sexting during the day, tantric sex, etc. 

 

Take the time to teach him what you don't like and what you do. If he learned everything he knows from porn, chances are its all very penetration and climax focused and not as sensual as it could be- focusing on the tension and Build up and taking things slow can be a wonderful change of pace. Also Have him do some research, there's a million articles on the internet about how to spice things up, and you could look into it too! Good luck! 

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17 hours ago, SilentRose said:

If he learned everything he knows from porn, chances are its all very penetration and climax focused and not as sensual as it could be- focusing on the tension and Build up and taking things slow can be a wonderful change of pace.

Yes, exactly... and I’m sure I didn’t help by encouraging it; getting something you don’t like over with fast is a good thing.

 

I hope at some point he will be amenable to at least discussing all of this...  I wanted to bring it up in therapy last week but he brought up something else first and that took the whole session.

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On 6/18/2018 at 5:28 PM, ryn2 said:

One thing I do remember is that sex quickly gets boring.  At the very beginning of the relationship there’s a lot of mystery - will we or won’t we?  What exactly will we do?  Will it lead to more? - but that quickly seems to settle into yes we’re going to do it, it’s going to be the quickest way to PIV, and then it’s done.  I remember complaining to my partners that it had all gotten so formulaic... but even if we tried going back to just making out and seeing what happened it quickly reverted to that same rut.

For me, with the right partner, sex gets better with time. Some of it gets "formulaic", but in a good way. Like being exhausted at the end of the day, turning to each other, having very routine, very pleasurable, predictable "known to work" sex and sleeping on an endorphin high.

 

But it is the less routine sex that also gets fun. As the relationship grows and trust grows and we can share deeper thoughs, wishes, fantasies, experiments.... there is sexual experimentation I've done with my ace that I haven't done with short term hot sex partners. Mind blowing sexual experiences - for me, but I dare say for him too (though that won't make him want a repeat). Because with time, you stop worrying about how you appear during sex, your partner knows what works for you and what doesn't, the pleasure gets more foolproof allowing you to build more erotic experiences on top of that.

 

But this presumes that both partners are interested in nurturing and growing a relationship. If the destination is "sex", like a checkbox, once you've checked it, there aren't a lot of places to go. If you want to keep the sex alive beyond the initial high of novelty, then after "will we or won’t we?  What exactly will we do?  Will it lead to more?" you need to find new questions and see them as a new phase in your relationship rather than trying to keep something alive past its term. "Now I have an established sex partner. What can I do that I wouldn't dare think of with someone relatively new?" "Can I get this person so wasted they can't talk?" "I have this kinky idea - can we pull it off?" "Can I turn this dinner, very subtly into something that's going to make them want to jump me?" "How quick can a quickie be?".... whatever. The point is finding interesting things to do. And it is absolutely fine to have dry spells too. I also find that once a relationship loses its sexual urgency, there is better time for quieter and more intense things like perhaps spending an entire sexual encounter focusing on just one partner with no distractions.... The sex high is just a nice side effect, but it keeps trust growing in a relationship when you can be unguarded and risk pleasure/failure in someone's arms.

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