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ryn2

Does sex not get boring for you?

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ryn2

When I mentioned in joint therapy last week that I’d been doing research/talking with people and my experiences are more in line with fraysexual than asexual, the therapist asked me to think about why I lose interest.

 

This is a bit of a challenge as I’m thinking back a long way.

 

One thing I do remember is that sex quickly gets boring.  At the very beginning of the relationship there’s a lot of mystery - will we or won’t we?  What exactly will we do?  Will it lead to more? - but that quickly seems to settle into yes we’re going to do it, it’s going to be the quickest way to PIV, and then it’s done.  I remember complaining to my partners that it had all gotten so formulaic... but even if we tried going back to just making out and seeing what happened it quickly reverted to that same rut.

 

If I didn’t want a lasting relationship and got bored with people as quickly it would probably not be an issue.

 

Sexuals, do you have this same experience?  If not, do you have to work to avoid it or does it just not happen to you?

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Salmiakki

Not sure if this is exactly what you're looking for but I fantasize about sex almost  daily and in the beginning it was pretty "normal" and at first it was exciting enough but then it did get boring and too repetitive so I had to make it more aggressive so it wouldn't be boring anymore. So yeah normal sex is boring and I've realized that I even get bored with the aggressive fantasies so I have to make it even more aggressive 😅 it's the best way to make me orgasm

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ryn2
1 minute ago, Salmiakki said:

I fantasize about sex almost  daily and in the beginning it was pretty "normal" and at first it was exciting enough but then it did get boring and too repetitive so I had to make it more aggressive so it wouldn't be boring anymore. So yeah normal sex is boring and I've realized that I even get bored with the aggressive fantasies so I have to make it even more aggressive 😅 it's the best way to make me orgasm

That’s an interesting point as I tend to do the same in my fantasies/solo masturbation time.  Food for thought!  Thanks!

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Blissful_Sins

I'll get back to you in 24 hours, I took a picture of the title and posted it on my ig story with a poll 

Now we'll find out xD

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, Blissful_Sins said:

I'll get back to you in 24 hours, I took a picture of the title and posted it on my ig story with a poll 

Now we'll find out xD

That should be entertaining, if not educational.  XD

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Luftschlosseule

Either you get bored or you don't? Not that I have experience with sex, but I get asked that when I read or especially when I re-read a book. I like the experience and notice something new every time.

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ryn2

For me the experience of reading a book the first time and of rereading it are typically differently good.  Some books don’t hold up to re-reading, but others go from exciting to comfortably familiar.

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Telecaster68

Nope, at least not if my partner is fully engaged. Even if it's the same repertoire of activities, they're wonderful activities, and they're never quite the same, they feel good, I feel great afterwards. 

 

Plus there's a kind of narrative to sex, a build up and release of tension, and with a partner who's into it, you don't know exactly what they'll do - it might only be *when* they use their tongue in a particular way, but given the effect it has.... it makes it a lot of difference. 

 

Plus sex isn't intellectual. It's emotions and sensations, and people like repetition of good ones. 

 

Maybe it's like going to a favourite restaurant for a long time - the steak isn't the revelation it was at first, and you know what what you're getting, but it's still a damn fine steak. Or going to watch your sports team week after week. You know roughly what will happen but it's a bit different each time, and if the occasional match isn't completely enthralling, it's still better than missing out, and if you hadn't gone, somehow it would chip away at the over all relationship. 

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Blissful_Sins

I deleted it once I realized it's kinda personal but the people who did answer were like yes it gets boring x

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Serran

If sex was every time quickly to PiV and thats it yeah it would be boring. 

 

However, a slow build up, teasing, toys and no PiV ever keeps me interested.  I hate PiV it is dull and blah. 

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Telecaster68
10 minutes ago, Serran said:

If sex was every time quickly to PiV and thats it yeah it would be boring. 

 

However, a slow build up, teasing, toys and no PiV ever keeps me interested.  I hate PiV it is dull and blah. 

I wouldn't say PIV is dull in itself for me, but if that was all sex ever was, just as if it was only ever one thing, then it would get dull. 

 

I wonder if this might be why asexuals who are okay with sex but see it mainly as finding the quickest most efficient route to orgasm find it dull. I know I always come back to this analogy, but it's a conversation not a procedure. 

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ryn2
16 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I wouldn't say PIV is dull in itself for me, but if that was all sex ever was, just as if it was only ever one thing, then it would get dull. 

 

I wonder if this might be why asexuals who are okay with sex but see it mainly as finding the quickest most efficient route to orgasm find it dull. I know I always come back to this analogy, but it's a conversation not a procedure. 

I’m trying to sort out the chicken and the egg (for myself) here.  As I recall that’s not how it starts out for me, and I’m not sure I’m the one who causes it to go there.  Early on there is a lot of (enjoyable) tension about what is going to transpire, how it will transpire, etc., but before long it seems like my partners settle on a formula they think “works” and then try to go with that every time.  At that point it does typically become something I just want to get over with, and then to avoid.

 

When we talked briefly about it in therapy I was hoping my partner might be open to a wider range of options, especially given his ED, but he seems to define sex as PIV.

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Maybe it's like going to a favourite restaurant for a long time - the steak isn't the revelation it was at first, and you know what what you're getting, but it's still a damn fine steak. 

I do this (revisit a favorite restaurant again and again) not for the excitement but for the comforting familiarity.  The avoidance of excitement, actually, because everything is predictable and dependable.  While I may like the absence of tension and uncertainty in my food, I clearly don’t like it with sex.

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Telecaster68

I've never really thought if sex as foreplay plus PIV - it's all equally 'sex' as far as I'm concerned. Your partner refusing to countenance anything else counting as sex seems pretty self defeating to me, especially if he has ED, and I'm surprised anyone's reaction to their partner suggesting 'let's try some new stuff' would be 'no'. But then, I have very few hard no's... 

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Plus there's a kind of narrative to sex, a build up and release of tension, and with a partner who's into it, you don't know exactly what they'll do - it might only be *when* they use their tongue in a particular way, but given the effect it has.... it makes it a lot of difference. 

That’s the thing... my partners have typically treated it more like learning a recipe.  Some of them were not interested in my reaction, which was actually better in a way because then my reaction didn’t matter, but others claim to both want my reaction and want me to enjoy myself (but then don’t actually note it or adjust accordingly).

 

Then, to use the conversation analogy, it’s like speaking with someone who complains that you never give your opinion but ignores it and talks over you every time you try.

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Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I do this (revisit a favorite restaurant again and again) not for the excitement but for the comforting familiarity.  The avoidance of excitement, actually, because everything is predictable and dependable.  While I may like the absence of tension and uncertainty in my food, I clearly don’t like it with sex.

Sometimes, in a long term relationship, the familiarity is really good. Like 'the rest of the world might be a shit show, but there's us, and this thing we share, and the closeness it brings us'. 

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ryn2
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

I've never really thought if sex as foreplay plus PIV - it's all equally 'sex' as far as I'm concerned. Your partner refusing to countenance anything else counting as sex seems pretty self defeating to me, especially if he has ED, and I'm surprised anyone's reaction to their partner suggesting 'let's try some new stuff' would be 'no'. But then, I have very few hard no's... 

There was no specific new stuff suggested; she just asked him to elaborate on what he meant by sex and he said “you know, sex.  And occasionally oral.”

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ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Sometimes, in a long term relationship, the familiarity is really good. Like 'the rest of the world might be a shit show, but there's us, and this thing we share, and the closeness it brings us'. 

That makes sense, if it brings closeness.  For me once the excitement wears off it doesn’t.  That’s part of why I am sorting through the “why.”

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That’s the thing... my partners have typically treated it more like learning a recipe.  Some of them were not interested in my reaction, which was actually better in a way because then my reaction didn’t matter, but others claim to both want my reaction and want me to enjoy myself (but then don’t actually note it or adjust accordingly).

 

Then, to use the conversation analogy, it’s like speaking with someone who complains that you never give your opinion but ignores it and talks over you every time you try.

There is a learning a recipe element, but it's more like using it as a starting point and figuring out what tastes and textures your partner likes and then experimenting with different combinations, occasionally chucking in something new they haven't tried before but you're pretty sure they'd love. 

 

Following this analogy, it's just occurred to me that my wife is a frustratingly conservative eater, too. 

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Telecaster68
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

There was no specific new stuff suggested; she just asked him to elaborate on what he meant by sex and he said “you know, sex.  And occasionally oral.”

Oh right. Oral is bordering on exotic to him.... 

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ryn2

I don’t know if this is a factor but it’s probably relatively uncommon for someone my age.  I have almost never initiated a relationship with someone older than early 20’s.  I had a couple of things that started out as online/electronic teasing, one of which led to a very brief irl thing and one of which never did, where I was totally put off by them catching feelings... they were probably in their late 20’s at the time.

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

...occasionally chucking in something new they haven't tried before but you're pretty sure they'd love. 

Being able to do this successfully means being good at picking up their cues, though.  Typically my partners have not been great at this (not just sexually; they have not been great “people-readers”).

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Telecaster68

Sorry I've forgotten how old you are... 

 

Are you meaning basically they're inexperienced? 

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uhtred

Having been married to a near asexual for 30 years, I haven't had the opportunity to have enough sex for it to get boring. 

 

We have had a few bouts of frequent sex - and so far its never gotten boring for me.  I think that the key though is variety.  Doing the same thing every time would likely get dull - but I think that in a good sexual relationship there is lots of variety. 

 

One of the frustrating things for me in my situation is that sex is so rare that I'm nervous about trying anything new in case it "doesn't work" and it ends badly.  If you are having sex a few times a week, once in a while having things not work well is fine. If sex is rare, its easy to get in the mindset that you only get a limited number of chances in your life and want to make the most of them. 

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

Being able to do this successfully means being good at picking up their cues, though.  Typically my partners have not been great at this (not just sexually; they have not been great “people-readers”).

Yeah not only for what they might like, but if your punt on something new isn't working out, or even received politely but they're clearly not bothered if you never do it again. 

 

This might be a bit personal to answer, but have you ever been with someone who has really paid attention and known how to drive you completely wild, and you've still got bored? 

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Sorry I've forgotten how old you are... 

 

Are you meaning basically they're inexperienced? 

Mid-50’s now.  I was early 30’s last time I was in a new relationship.

 

Some have been, some haven’t, if by experienced you mean the number of prior partners.

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ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah not only for what they might like, but if your punt on something new isn't working out, or even received politely but they're clearly not bothered if you never do it again. 

 

This might be a bit personal to answer, but have you ever been with someone who has really paid attention and known how to drive you completely wild, and you've still got bored? 

The only person I didn’t get bored with was my very first partner.  We never had PIV sex but did plenty of other things and had the added “spice” of trying to avoid being caught/our parents being against us being “too serious”/etc. (we were in high school).

 

Most everyone after that gave me the impression of being more concerned with... not sure how to word this so it comes across right... being recognized for putting on a good performance?  Like, the goal wasn’t to share in a fun experience but to get to the end and be able to say “go me, I’m awesome at this.”

 

So, I’m not sure I have a qualifying experience from which to answer your question?

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ryn2
9 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Having been married to a near asexual for 30 years, I haven't had the opportunity to have enough sex for it to get boring. 

You’ve probably said this elsewhere but I’ve forgotten... did you and your wife have pretty frequent sex at the start that tailed off to mostly nothing or has it been mostly nothing (interspersed with short bouts of greater frequency) all along?

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Telecaster68
5 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Mid-50’s now.  I was early 30’s last time I was in a new relationship.

 

Some have been, some haven’t, if by experienced you mean the number of prior partners.

So... late 90s, with them being born early 70s? Ish? I'm 50 this year. Oral wasn't some weird exotic thing when I was young so I don't think it would've been for people born after me.

 

By experienced, I meant both number of partners and variety of experience. The two aren't the same thing, obviously.

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uhtred
Just now, ryn2 said:

You’ve probably said this elsewhere but I’ve forgotten... did you and your wife have pretty frequent sex at the start that tailed off to mostly nothing or has it been mostly nothing (interspersed with short bouts of greater frequency) all along?

The second: mostly rare, with occasional bursts of activity

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