Why is there a need to identify yourself?

[QuinDecim]

I know the title will probably trigger people, but this isnt a post out of ignorance but one to give my own opinions on ace and aro.

 

It is pretty much clear that asexuality isnt any sort of disorder, its just how people see sexuality based on their own reasoning and/or experiences. Is it that strange to not want a relationship when you arent ready for one or you dont want to experience the baggage that comes with it (bad relationships or only pushy partners), same goes with intercourse. I mean... After being through or seeing a lot of bad relationships or people being toyed with its natural that you will be more picky and careful if not completely repulsed by the idea.

 

After talking to a girl I love who also identifies as an asexual (and i mean talking in depth and discussing) i dont find anything she is saying unreasonable and odd. I mean, she doest want to be in a relationship before she stabilizes her job and studies, which is absolutely fine and respectable... Something like that shows mental maturity and actual care for any potential life partner. She is afraid of sex because she has seen so many people being abused, which is also absolutely fine and she should only do it for the sake of the one she truly cares about and who cares about her... Such things take time and trust because any mistake will affect your entire life. She never felt sexual attraction, which is also perfect because who she ends up with even if not me is someone who she truly loves and doesnt simply feel attraction for.

 

I really dont think there is a need to label yourself as anything, because these things show maturity and arent an issue. Some spend their entire lives in bad relationships or in ones based on lust primarily before they realize these things and find a true life partner. If anything this whole thing isnt an issue, its a gift because you know what not to do and avoid being hurt

Edited June 17, 2018 by QuinDecim
removing unneeded info

[Grimalkin]

It's an issue of understanding. Putting a label on it helps you better understand yourself and makes it easier for people to understand you.

 

For one thing, it's less of a mouthful. "I don't enjoy sex, don't want to have it, and don't feel sexual attraction to people, and I never have so it's not a dip in hormones" is quite a bit longer than "I'm asexual."

 

It signifies that you know who you are and you're not changing. That girl you love is going to always be asexual. Even after- if- she marries somebody she loves. It's not a higher form of love because there's no lust involved. There won't be lust ever, not even in a loving marital relationship. She doesn't experience it. I'm making assumptions, of course, but that's the way it typically is with asexuals.

 

Asexuality is not just abstaining from sex until your life is in a better place. It's not a matter of "maturity." It is an absence of sexual attraction that has always and will always be there.

[JMichael]

Having the shorthand to describe your experiences instead of being labelled by others, usually in lousy ways: "immature, robotic, unfeeling, soulless, perverted, frigid, prude, etc." I love knowing I'm not broken, ill or defective. This has always been my orientation, through 40 years of life, when single, when dating, when living in community, and with my amazing partner for the past 18 years. And it has empowered me to enjoy my life and my relationships in a way that feels healthy, whole and honoring. Could I do all this without the labels? Maybe. But they help facilitate all of it.

[N90]

In many ways, I kind of agree with what you are saying but there is a need to be able to discuss what you want in a relationship (assuming you want one) and to have that respected. I have suffered through parents and other people making an issue out of me being single and not having an active sex life; as if having a girlfriend for the sake of having one will do be good for me!!!!

 

People have to respect peoples desicison to not be in a relationship for the sake of being in one or to not go rushing into a relationship until thet figure out how much they genuinely like and get on with that person! Otherwise that will results in a distaste or an adversion for relationships as they will be seen as more hastle than they're worth! There are more important things than sex in a relationship such as respect and communications and a genuine affection for each other but sex is still a factor in many non-asexual relationships and needs to be negotiated!

 

Hope I've explained myself well enough!

[Grimalkin]

Wait a second... you do realize asexuality is an orientation, right? That only just occurred to me after re-reading everything. Just plain ol' abstaining from sex is celibacy. Asexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction, which is different from choosing not to have sex.

[MasteringTheArt]

For me, it's not a need to label myself. I don't believe in labels anyways because I know I'm not going to fit the label 100% but since finding out about asexuality I definitely found clarity in it and I now understand myself a little more.

[QuinDecim]

16 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

Wait a second... you do realize asexuality is an orientation, right? That only just occurred to me after re-reading everything. Just plain ol' abstaining from sex is celibacy. Asexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction, which is different from choosing not to have sex.

Yes, I understand that, and im saying there is nothing wrong with that at all. Not feeling attraction to someone simply means you have mentally reached a point where you value other things more in a person, in this specific case asexuality can even come as reasoning of past experiences. What I am saying that sexual attraction isnt really necessary to have a healthy relationship, intercourse should come as a gift to the other person ALWAYS, it should come from your need to please someone else, not yourself. In that sense asexuality is literally a gift because you took a shortcut to not being with someone out of your need to be with someone... when you pick a life partner it will be for their sake primarily, not yours. Hopefully your partner will be mature enough to know that too and doesnt do selfish things.

And yes, perhaps labeling is an easier way of explaining things, but this kind of labeling creates confusion and almost always leads to questions that are hard to answer because they are personal or you feel uncomfortable answering. If someone asks for a relationship and you dont see they are doing it out of respect and love for you you should just turn them down saying that you dont see it working, there is no need to answer in a way that is embarrassing for most people. If they dont understand that and keep being pushy then they just want to be with you out of personal gain or need, which is really bad. If someone truly cares for you they will respect your decisions and appreciate you being in their life as a friend, as simple as that.

[Feyre]

I don't agree with you ^^ I am certain that I "have not reached any point where I value other things more in a person".

I have never wanted sex and I never will, it's a big difference ... You know, the thing people feel when they meet a person, something happens and they would like to have sex with them? I have never felt that.

 

It's not a choice, it's not an achievement. That's a dangerous thing to say because it says that Asexuals have reached some higher, almost divine, state, which is not that at all x) Sexual people can understand that sex is not everything, but they will always feel the attraction. It's biological.

 

I also don't think every asexual person becomes more mature once he identifies as Ace. And sexual people can be much more mature as well regarding relationships.

[Feyre]

23 minutes ago, QuinDecim said:

And yes, perhaps labeling is an easier way of explaining things, but this kind of labeling creates confusion and almost always leads to questions that are hard to answer because they are personal or you feel uncomfortable answering. If someone asks for a relationship and you dont see they are doing it out of respect and love for you you should just turn them down saying that you dont see it working, there is no need to answer in a way that is embarrassing for most people.

I actually think communication is the foundation of any relationship. If you don't feel comfortable talking about sex with your partner, whether you're Ace or not, that's not good.

 

I was happy to put a label on my orientation because for my whole life I felt broken, as if something wasn't working in me and I wanted it to work! In my previous heterosexual experiences, I had no answers to give to my partners about why I was feeling that way, even though I deeply wanted to give them answers. It would have avoided so much pain on both sides ...

 

Finding a label is also about the community and education. If you know there's so many other people feeling how you feel, you feel better, not "broken".

If a gay person had never known homosexuality existed, they would wander their whole life thinking something is not right with them. It's the same for asexual people.

[Epitaph]

Human brain does two things.

 

1. Categorize everything it sees. 

2. Search for category self fits into due to social paramaters and some need to feel validation at its existence. 

[Alejandrogynous]

Well, first off, not being ready for a relationship or not wanting the baggage that comes with it at this point in your life isn't what aromanticism is. Being aromantic means not feeling the desire for romantic partnership and it's a permanent state, not a temporary thing or a phase like waiting to date until you finish college. There's nothing 'mature' about it because there's no 'immature' alternative for them. It's just how they feel naturally, regardless of their life circumstances. And similarly, somebody who's been abused or had bad experiences and is waiting for someone they love and trust to have sex, isn't really describing asexuality either. Asexuals aren't 'waiting for the right person' to start wanting sex. Not having the innate desire for sex is their natural state and it won't change even if they find a partner they deeply love and trust.

 

So yeah, if you're asking "why does waiting to date until after college need a label when it's just smart thinking", yeah, I'd agree with you - but that has nothing to do with being asexual or aromantic. Ace/aro are orientations and it's nice to have a label to say, 'this is who I am, this is how I've always been, and this is how I'll always be.'
 

[SithLord]

Normally I don't do this because I feel it's rude, but I want to go through your post point by point to make it obvious which parts I'm addressing:

2 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

It is pretty much clear that asexuality isnt any sort of disorder

It's clear to us, not necessarily others, and that's part of why I loved finding the name for this identity.  It let me know I wasn't broken.

 

2 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

its just how people see sexuality based on their own reasoning and/or experiences

I don't understand what you mean since you say you know that asexuality is the lack of attraction, as in it's not a view on sexuality.  It's not like you choose to abstain from feeling attraction/desire because of experiences.  I know people can be ace and experience PTSD, and possibly come to identify as such because of that experience, but it's also something that would be considered closer to needing therapy because the change is a reaction as opposed to being innate.  Meaning, being ace isn't just the result of bad experiences but can be born.  (I wanted to go on a rant about how growing up I thought lesbainism was just a response to hating/distrusting men because of The Color Purple but I'll cut that to stay on topic).

 

2 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

Is it that strange to not want a relationship when you arent ready for one

Not ready for a relationship isn't the same as not wanting one.  The former implies you're not mature enough or old enough or whatever, while the latter doesn't.  Being aromatic isn't the same as being 10 or immature or not being ready for a relationship.

 

2 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

or you dont want to experience the baggage that comes with it (bad relationships or only pushy partners)

I don't really mind this part, though to me it's getting close to that "asexuality as a mental attitude" kind of thinking.  Hard to explain without being mean about it so I'll refrain.  Though again, I'd like to point out that lack of attraction isn't the same as just abstaining because it's annoying.

 

3 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

After being through or seeing a lot of bad relationships or people being toyed with its natural that you will be more picky and careful if not completely repulsed by the idea

This is sort of like before, that asexuality/aromanticism is the result of a bad experience or the fear of having bad experiences. However, it's also not really natural for people to decide they are done with relationships altogether after getting out of a bad one.  Temporarily, maybe, but most people retain hope that the next relationship won't be so bad and improve their search based on that bad experience.

 

3 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

1) I mean, she doest want to be in a relationship before she stabilizes her job and studies, which is absolutely fine and respectable 2)... 

1) Something I don't understand, does she identify as ace because she's currently considering herself unavailable for relationships?  This is the same thing my sis went through with her aromanticism: did she not want a relationships because she was still in school and didn't think she had time for one, or did she really not want one and use the school as an excuse?  I'm mostly confused here why it's relevant I guess since if you're off the market because of other reasons, I don't think that's the same as the lack of attraction/desire for relationships in general.

2) Why the ellipses? Maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine, but I don't don't understand why you would trail off like that, as if questioning something about what you wrote.

 

3 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

Something like that shows mental maturity and actual care for any potential life partner

Maybe, but again, if you actually don't desire it at all (asexuality/aromanticism), is that the same as being off the market because of other reasons?  Besides, I don't necessarily agree.  Millions of people pursue relationships while in an unstable part of their lives.  So many people date during school or when job hunting or other reasons, many find being in a relationship beneficial as it can stabilize you where the job/school can't.  I find that most people would think that abstaining from relationships for decades because of an unstable job or school situation to be an excuse, not a sign of maturity.

 

3 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

She is afraid of sex because she has seen so many people being abused, which is also absolutely fine and she should only do it for the sake of the one she truly cares about and who cares about her

Not to be rude towards her, but to me this is more of sex-averse than asexuality, but maybe they go hand-in-hand sometimes.  But I still dislike the assumption that being ace is the same as being afraid of sex because of abuse or fear of abuse.  I agree that she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't like it or doesn't want it, I'm just saying that I for one don't have a history of seeing people abused and still have a lack of sexual attraction/desire so I don't necessarily want people assuming that the two things are interchangeable.  

 

After reading on and coming back to this point, I want to say that here I assumed you were equating her fear of sex to mean she didn't desire it, but later you say she's not attracted to anyone so that's fine.

 

3 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

1) She never pleasured herself or 2) felt sexual attraction, which is also 3) perfect because who she ends up with even if not me is  4) someone who she truly loves and doesnt simply lust for

1) a little TMI and unrelated

2) I assumed by you first describing her as asexual...

3) It's perfect?

4) You're stepping into dangerous territory there.  That's getting close to assuming people who experience attraction will end up with someone they lust and not love.  Asexuals end up in bad relationships too, just maybe not because of lust related reasons.  Being ace doesn't mean she'll end up with someone "she truly loves" anymore than being sexual would.

 

3 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

because these things show maturity

Or immaturity.  You said earlier that it could be because you're "not ready for [a relationship]" which is a sign more towards immaturity than it is for maturity as it implies you might be in the future after growing or something changing.  However, with your logic it could also be interpreted as selfish or self-centered, not wanting to be bothered with others baggage for example.

 

3 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

arent an issue

I can assure you that my lack of attraction towards my boyfriend is very much an issue.  I'm not aromatic and wanted a relationship, but not being sexually attracted to him means he feels there's something missing in my affection towards him at times, or that there's chemistry lacking in certain interactions.  And believe me, my lack of attraction combined with other issues makes my sex life, and therefore most of his sex life, hell.

 

3 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

If anything this whole thing isnt an issue, its a gift because you know what not to do and avoid being hurt

Again, this gets really close to asexual/aromantic elitism in my book.  Being asexual or aromantic isn't a gift, it's just what it is.  It doesn't let me know what not to do, if anything it prevents me from knowing what not to do because I'm oblivious as fuck when it comes to sexual things.  It doesn't help me avoid getting hurt because it makes my love life hell.

 

I want to avoid diving into my history so I'm deleting most of what I was going to say, but I identify as ace because it lets me know I'm not broken.  It legitimizes my problems and the community helps me understand myself better and learn how to minimize the problems I'm having in my life because of my asexuality (there aren't many, but that's a lot due to AVEN).

[QuinDecim]

@sithgirlix Ill just write replies as im reading your post since its fairly long, I do appreciate it though and its perfectly fine to be blunt/rude, I was expecting that with the nature of the question and my original post. The way im replying is also going to be in segments corresponding to the points you quoted

 

* The reason why I came here was to better understand asexuality and seeking advice about dating someone who identifies herself as one, but the main reason im still here is that I wanted to give my opinion on the topic and/or some of the posts here. Yea im re-discovering hot water in this post mainly but I felt that its something worth discussing and seeing your opinions on. This is why your deconstructing post is much appreciated, because its something I expected.

* The reason im speaking in such a manner (like it being a choice) is because I believe that being in a relationship and having intercourse should not come from personal need but out of the need to make someone else happy or repay them. It should just be one of many gifts exchanged between two who care about each-other and respect each-other. You can not feel attracted to someone or feel the need to be in a relationship, but there is also nothing wrong with repaying the kindness and care someone is giving you by being with that person. I know this sounds confusing af and that it isnt how people view these things generally, but that is my view on such things.

* It has nothing to do with maturity in that sense and it ties into what I said above. Being ready for a relationship in the context above means being ready to do it for the sake of someone who cares for you. 

* Yea it was badly worded on my part, focused too much on the experience part

* While yes, most people retain hope, there are cases which ive seen where people completely threw away any hope because of how badly they were hurt. This is probably why I was so hung up on the "experience side" while writing the original post

* This is tricky to answer, but I guess ill tell you how the discussion went so you can draw your own conclusion. We've been good friends for a few years and I asked her if she wanted to try being in a relationship with me, she said no because she is asexual and cant see herself being in a relationship in the foreseeable future, at least until she sorts out her financial situation and her life. Basically she thinks of relationships as something that bind her and wont allow her to first achieve her other goals, she wants to first get those done before trying anything. She did explain that she feels no attraction towards anyone, but I guess she hopes to be with someone in the distant future when everything else is done. And again, its quite relevant because she is the main reason why I even got to this forum in the first place xD so im making comparisons and learning about stuff so I can support her.

* Well it can certainly be an excuse for most people, but then again... what I was referencing was something related to my own situation at the moment. In the current context its a sign of maturity because I know the person for a long period of time and how they think... that context is quite easily lost when writing a post such as this and sorry for confusing you

* That is a valid point and yes, those are not the same but are very similar in most cases. But again, this ties to what I said above, about it being a gift to the other person you care about which shows trust and respect. 

* Bad wording on my part. Yes, there are cases where people are together for that initial attraction... and that can either fail completely or become a healthy relationship, not arguing that part. My main point there was that because of the lack of attraction the person who she choses to be with will be someone who she will have a healthy relationship with (this again is with all of the above in mind, so she will be in a relationship with someone who respects and cares for her etc)

* I should address and explain my view on maturity when it comes to a relationship. In order to give someone else happiness and care you must first attain happiness. I don't think people should try to be with someone because they lack something and want to feel complete, even if they will do everything they can to show their care for the other person. While yes, some people complete each-other and it works out, there are far more examples of people feeling resentful when something doesnt work out the way they thought it would. In short, it is a lot harder to give love to someone if you yourself lack that same love and want it in return. The act of giving should be as a gift, without expecting anything in return. Sure, most of the time the other person will give you a gift in return, but not expecting it makes it so much more worth it. This is why I think trying to sort your own life out first is a sign of maturity and not simply an excuse, because you seek to be complete first before even trying a relationship, what happens after that is simply a bonus.

* I am sorry to hear that, but I hope you understood what I wrote so far and you can start thinking about it differently. The fact that you know that its an issue means that you want to fix it because you care for him, but you dont know how yet. I really dont want to give specific advice here because I dont know enough about your relationship and I dont want to be rude and ask you for details

* Again, I apologize for bringing up a topic that upsets you (or anyone else who feels the same). These are my views on the subject which I wanted to share, perhaps it was better if I just didnt

 

PS, slightly edited the original post

[SithLord]

1 hour ago, QuinDecim said:

* This is tricky to answer, but I guess ill tell you how the discussion went so you can draw your own conclusion. We've been good friends for a few years and I asked her if she wanted to try being in a relationship with me, she said no because she is asexual and cant see herself being in a relationship in the foreseeable future, at least until she sorts out her financial situation and her life. Basically she thinks of relationships as something that bind her and wont allow her to first achieve her other goals, she wants to first get those done before trying anything. She did explain that she feels no attraction towards anyone, but I guess she hopes to be with someone in the distant future when everything else is done. And again, its quite relevant because she is the main reason why I even got to this forum in the first place xD so im making comparisons and learning about stuff so I can support her.

Oh okay.  That actually does add context and it helps to understand where you're coming from.  While I stand by most of what I said earlier, I'm not as afraid that you're the type of person I would seek to avoid now.

[Homer]

8 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

For one thing, it's less of a mouthful. "I don't enjoy sex, don't want to have it, and don't feel sexual attraction to people, and I never have so it's not a dip in hormones" is quite a bit longer than "I'm asexual."

Most of the "labels" thrown around on here aren't common outside of AVEN (or Dumblr), so you'd have to explain them with that very mouthful anyway.

 

I have asked myself the same question as the OP so many times. When I was in my teens, nobody gave a shit about "labels" or "identifying as" something or other. That was only 20 years ago. What happened? It's really odd...

[Ceebs]

For some people, having a term to identify their sexuality is very helpful and reassuring. I'm often quite outspoken about my opposition to what I think of as "micro-orientations" (i.e., a specific term to describe that a person is sexually attracted only to high-IQ non-binary individuals with purple hair, between the hours of 11.03 and 17.56 every other Tuesday), but I see no problem with 'asexual'. I'm not asexual myself, but I wouldn't tell someone not to identify as such unless I had reason to believe they weren't. Don't they have as much right to say "I'm asexual" as I do to say "I'm gay"?

 

Also, being asexual doesn't necessarily mean not wanting a relationship.

 

10 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

If anything this whole thing isnt an issue, its a gift because you know what not to do and avoid being hurt

What??

[QuinDecim]

10 hours ago, Homer said:

Most of the "labels" thrown around on here aren't common outside of AVEN (or Dumblr), so you'd have to explain them with that very mouthful anyway.

 

I have asked myself the same question as the OP so many times. When I was in my teens, nobody gave a shit about "labels" or "identifying as" something or other. That was only 20 years ago. What happened? It's really odd...

This is pretty much the main point, not everyone is educated in the subject so it will lead to questions which are either tricky, hard or long to answer. But yes, perhaps saying that you are ace or aro to people who ask anyway is fine because they can just google and find out everything about it. If they respect you they should do that in theory, most wont and thats why i said simply answering not interested is better for those people

[Alejandrogynous]

13 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

You can not feel attracted to someone or feel the need to be in a relationship, but there is also nothing wrong with repaying the kindness and care someone is giving you by being with that person. 

I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say here, but it makes me kind of uncomfortable? Like you're saying that 'repaying' someone's kindness is a good reason to be in a relationship regardless of how you feel about that person? That feels dangerously close to 'nice guy' territory, like there's some obligation attached to someone treating you well. 

[Claire1983]

I see labels as conversation starters. They're just short hand for commonly understood experiences which then may need further discussion, but maybe not.  Like for example if someone tells you "I have asthma." That's a very important component of their life that affects how they see the world.  Having a name for it helps them to feel more in control and communicate that fact to others without having to give someone a lesson on it every time.  And if someone doesn't know what asthma is, then they now have a starting point to research it.  They may want to ask further questions about how that impacts some specifically, but having the label as a starting point leads to a more productive conversation.

 

I think identity labels are the same.  There are many nuances that may need further discussion, but having a defined term helps people to feel more in control and less alone.

[Feyre]

14 hours ago, Homer said:

Most of the "labels" thrown around on here aren't common outside of AVEN (or Dumblr), so you'd have to explain them with that very mouthful anyway.

 

I have asked myself the same question as the OP so many times. When I was in my teens, nobody gave a shit about "labels" or "identifying as" something or other. That was only 20 years ago. What happened? It's really odd...

Yes, we still need to explain the labels. But the more we explain them to people, the more educated they will be, and maybe one day in the future, we'll live in a world where "asexual" is as well-known as "homosexual" or "gay" :) That's the whole point of it.

[danvers]

On ‎6‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 3:00 PM, QuinDecim said:

After being through or seeing a lot of bad relationships or people being toyed with its natural that you will be more picky and careful if not completely repulsed by the idea.

Asexuality (and aromanticism, for that matter) isn't about being "picky" or a reaction to bad relationships. I've grown up surrounded by happy, healthy, loving relationships, and I'm still asexual. It's just the way I am. Also, being picky as a result of bad relationships would be like "Oh, he's cute and I kind of like him, but I've seen lots of bad relationships, and I'm not sure he's someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, so I'm not going to pursue a relationship with him," not "I am not attracted to anyone."

 

21 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

the main reason im still here is that I wanted to give my opinion on the topic and/or some of the posts here.

If you're not asexual and don't know very much about asexuality, why do you feel qualified to give your opinion on a forum full of asexual people? If you're new to the concept of asexuality and don't know what it's like to actually be asexual, you probably don't know enough to give an informed opinion. As for your question about labels, there have been multiple posts and threads about why people use or don't use labels. You could have just typed something along the lines of "why do people use labels" into the search bar and learned more about the subject.

 

21 hours ago, QuinDecim said:

You can not feel attracted to someone or feel the need to be in a relationship, but there is also nothing wrong with repaying the kindness and care someone is giving you by being with that person.

But you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone just because they have been nice to you and they want to be in a relationship with you. Getting into a relationship to "repay someone's kindness" puts their feelings above your own, when they should be equal. In a healthy relationship, each person enjoys being in a relationship with the other. You won't be happy in a relationship you enter out of a sense of obligation.

 

To answer your original question about labels, I like having labels because they help me understand and describe myself and find other people like me. Unlike many other asexual people, I never felt broken because of my lack of interest in sex, but finding out about asexuality did give me a deeper understanding of myself and how I experience attraction, which can only be a good thing. And even if lots of people don't know what asexuality is, some do, so I don't always have to spend a lot of time explaining it. Also, I'm a nerd and like words in general, so finding new words to describe myself is cool.

[InariYana]

Thanks to this "unnecessary" asexual label and asexual community that formed around it people are now more aware that folks like us exist and it's not 1 in a million, but more like 1 in 100 people. Before I found this "label" I had absolutely no idea that people not experiencing sexual attraction even existed. Today even my daughter's young friends know that asexual people exist, so it's not like this label can only be found on AVEN. We have articles in newspapers and magazines about ace people, some asexual characters in shows. We have dating sites for aces.

People who hold on to labels have a genuine need for them. They may abandon them later, but they serve a purpose. 

What's the harm anyway? It's only wrong if someone else puts a label on you, if it's not your choice.

Labels existed for ages - like in ancient Rome someone could say "I'm a stoic", then people had an idea straight away what kind of philosophy he followed, with this one word. Then that other person could say "hey, I'm a stoic too" and they'd go grab some wine together without spending days and days trying to explain what their life philosophy was about. There's always time for that later  

[lost_oneironaut]

I'm with what pretty much everyone else is saying. Labels help with identity and communicating that to others- and that creates a community.

 

However, there are reasons as to why we feel compelled to do so in the first place. I used to wonder how did people address idenitity before the gender and sexual terminology we have today and apparently (at least in western countries, specifically the US- I can't speak for any other community) it goes back to when sexuality was medicalized, I think sometime in the late 19th century, don't quote me on that lol. They created terms like hetero and homo sexual and from there as people needed more terms to describe other sexual experiences. 

 

I do think this may have created a problem where people get confused about whether or not a term truly represents them or maybe they may change to fit a term they thought described them but it may actually not. So maybe the pressure to find a label to describe oneself might be too great? and sometimes it is better to just be and if a label comes then yay, if not- then also yay. 

 

[Sweet Potato]

On 6/16/2018 at 3:53 PM, QuinDecim said:

Yes, I understand that, and im saying there is nothing wrong with that at all. Not feeling attraction to someone simply means you have mentally reached a point where you value other things more in a person

not true at all.

 

it is a life long thing. not a maturity thing, a point in ones life, or a result of any understanding or reordering of values

 

 

[Sweet Potato]

On 6/16/2018 at 8:46 PM, QuinDecim said:

The reason why I came here was to better understand asexuality and seeking advice about dating someone who identifies herself as one, but the main reason im still here is that I wanted to give my opinion on the topic and/or some of the posts here.

you want to understand asexuality. ok, no problem, ask and listen to the answers

you want to give your opinion on asexuality. um, how are you in a position to give that opinion as anything but an outsider? I see that the same as me giving an opinon on being a person of color, when I am white. Or giving my view on being transexual when I am cis-gendered. No matter how educated I may be on the issues, Im still an outsider.

[Hermit Advocate]

On 6/19/2018 at 6:58 PM, Sweet Potato said:

you want to understand asexuality. ok, no problem, ask and listen to the answers

you want to give your opinion on asexuality. um, how are you in a position to give that opinion as anything but an outsider? I see that the same as me giving an opinon on being a person of color, when I am white. Or giving my view on being transexual when I am cis-gendered. No matter how educated I may be on the issues, Im still an outsider.

While I do agree with your point, I think it is still good for us on AVEN to get views from "outsiders" as it gives us the chance to see how we are viewed by sexuals and allows us to perhaps create a better understanding of each other. 

[Solovei]

On 6/16/2018 at 7:53 PM, QuinDecim said:

Not feeling attraction to someone simply means you have mentally reached a point where you value other things more in a person, in this specific case asexuality can even come as reasoning of past experiences.

And homosexuality simply means you have mentally reached a point where value a penis in a partner if you're a man and a vagina - if you're a woman.

[The Sad Ghost]

On 6/17/2018 at 1:53 AM, QuinDecim said:

intercourse should come as a gift to the other person ALWAYS

What? You do never owe anyone sex.

 

On 6/17/2018 at 1:53 AM, QuinDecim said:

it should come from your need to please someone else, not yourself. In that sense asexuality is literally a gift because you took a shortcut to not being with someone out of your need to be with someone... when you pick a life partner it will be for their sake primarily, not yours. Hopefully your partner will be mature enough to know that too and doesnt do selfish things. 

I don't understand this. You do know that many asexuals can feel an orgasm? And some even like to have sex, they just don't feel the attraction. As an asexual you deserve sexual pleasure as much as the sexual partner. Also, asexuals may have a need to be with someone? So I can't see how asexuality is a gift? I may have misunderstood something since my English is not the best. 

[princessem1020]

I mean, asexuality is a piece of you, but not all you are, just like any other sexual orientation. There is so much more to a person than just that. I consider it to be a very minor part of who I am. That makes it a lot easier to accept how it is and move on when people are ignorant and don't support it.

[Sweet Potato]

7 hours ago, Hermit Advocate said:

While I do agree with your point, I think it is still good for us on AVEN to get views from "outsiders" as it gives us the chance to see how we are viewed by sexuals and allows us to perhaps create a better understanding of each other. 

oh for sure! if a better understanding is the result, or even the intention. I frequently peek into the Allies section to see what the sexuals side of the story is. the problems arise when someone from outside, in this case a sexual person, isn't giving a view point or opinion, but stating incorrectly what asexuality is, or what causes it, or anything like that. if they are willing to listen and learn, no problem. Just don't tell an asexual person they are wrong about what their identity means, and continue defending your incorrect assumptions

editing to add: I have no issue at all with conversation with sexuals, I think without it there would be no increase in awareness