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confusedbutinluv

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confusedbutinluv

I am sexual female and am involved with a man who I discovered to be asexual. We get along wonderfully, have a lot of fun together and can talk about anything. When we discussed his asexuality he told me that whenever he held my hand or hugged me his anxiety levels would increase dramatically. I tried to reassure him that his sexual preference was not an issue for me and that I would stick by him no matter what. I also told him that we would take things at his pace and I could wait for when and if he became ready for anything physical. This did not seem to help. I am at the point I don't know what to do. I don't want to loose him; but, I am not sure if I should back off from him and hope he comes after me (which I am scared won't happen) or if I should continue to remind him about how I feel and that it is ok to feel the way he does. I want this relationship to work so badly but I don't know what to do to reassure him that his asexuality is ok and that I in no way will judge him or pressure him into something he is not ready for. My main focus is that he is happy and I fear that right now he isn't. Please help, any suggestions or comments would be much appreciated.

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Wolf X Omega

Well, I think, if you sit with him and have a nice little chat everything should be ok(that's how i explained my asexuality to my friends, and it worked, and they support me all the way) try to explain that he doesn't have to worry, and if he needs a little time to think he can have it as long as he know that there's nothing to worry about.

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sonofzeal

It sounds like he has intimacy issues outside of asexuality to me. If so, this relationship may not be one that can be made to work. But your best route is to totally forgo any of the things that make him uncomfortable. If you're okay with never having any of that physical contact, then maybe it can work out. I don't think anyone here would blame you if you decided that a life without physical contact isn't want you want though.

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Cacille

That's great that you are willing to support him in his asexuality and not pressure him into anything!

However...

what about you? You are a normal sexual person, and probably need Some sort of physicality to the relationship, even minor. I mean, VERY minor....just so that you have that emotional connection through a very minor physical contact. Sexual people I have found need a 'bond" of physicality to make it clear to the emotions of both, that something is still there even if you can't feel it at that moment. If there is nothing, then emotions start telling you something is wrong, he may be mad at you, he may be losing interest, etc. I am a asexual but know there needs to be some little bond there...even if it is as simple as squeezing somone's arm, that little gesture needs to come to mean "I TRULY love you".

Holding hands is scary to him? I completely understand that, so am I actually. Kissing is one of the worst for me.

Sit down with him and read this post, then decide, and experiment, with things that could mean "I TRULY love you" in another not-so-generalized-in-society gesture type of thing.

Maybe locking pinkies, squeezing his wrist, touching (but not massaging) his shoulders, something low key to everyone else but means something to the both of you. Then of course, make it perfectly honest (cause uhm, us asexuals tend to miss little points like this sometimes....) that HE has to do this to you too, not just you to him. You need that reassurance, and so does he. Use "the Touch" sparingly at first, and as time goes on maybe it may become more in use by you and he. Also let him know that YOU will not make the moves, and HE is to make any moves that he feels comfortable with, stepping up, if he wants to, to touching your face or holding hands. Then you will know it is okay that holding hands is no longer a big deal because you started out with a step below holding hands.

If he doesn't want to do something like this or have any physical contact whatsoever, then I wouldn't hold out much hope for the both of you - it would be like oil and water. I hope the both of you can work out a very good meaningful "touch" that will keep you satisfied in a small way, and help him too!

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supergeekgirl

What you said to him sounds like what my only ex-boyfriend once said to me. I'm not saying that the relationship won't work, but I think he may be frightened at the idea of EVER having sex. He may think that you'll keep pressuring him until he gives in. I may be wrong, but that's how I felt. Eventually, the pressure got to him, and we broke up.

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confusedbutinluv

I am a well educated person but have to admit that I am still having a hard time understanding all of this. The man I am involved with initiated everything, I wasn't even considering a relationship with him before then. We were friends and I was happy with that. But, when he did hold my hand I thought "well maybe" this could work. I knew he was very inexperienced and didn't want to pressure him in anyway so I let him make all the first moves. Now that he has, his anxiety level has gone through the roof and wants to back off and go back to where we were before he did. This is when he told me about this website and that he is asexual. My heart is now involved and I am not sure how to go back. I am happiest when we are together and I want him happy too.

With that said, I want to thank you all for your suggestions. I will definitely be discussing this with him further and considering our options. Please, if there is anything else you can suggest or information that you can share with me please do so. I am looking for anything that could help me deal with this and understand it better.

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sonofzeal

What you describe is not unheard of. He may have initiated things because he felt that was what he was "supposed" to do. He may also have percieved you as leading him in that direction an wanted to do what you expected.

As far as talking it over again, the thing I must stress the most is to explain, in as much detail as possible, how it makes you feel and what it means for you when he holds your hand or hugs you, or does any of those things that are important to you but a problem for him. Also make sure to be clear about how important they are to you, specifically whether those feelings are something you don't mind living without. And the worst thing you can to is to try to manouever him into trying those things - if they're that important to you, it will probably be best for you to call things off now, attempt to make a clean break even if it hurts. Even a broken heart is better than running straight into an emotional brick wall repeatedly.

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Ineptitude

Ooh, people have given you lots of good advice thus far.

Does he know that you joined the forum? Has he seen this post? Just showing him that may help him realize that you are serious about supporting him and accepting him for who he is. A lot of people say one thing ("I'm ok with it") and mean another ("you'll get over it eventually"), so maybe it's important to show him that you aren't one of those people. Let him know that you're trying to learn more about this so you can find other ways to love him and make him happy. You want to love him as he is.

A discussion on touch and compromise may be in order. I hope you guys can find some common ground - best of luck!!

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