traumatic gyno experience--has this happened to anyone else?

[bare_trees]

Hi all.  I'm 35 years old.  Until last year, I hadn't been to a gynecologist.  I thought I could get away with it, especially since I've only had vaginal sex 3 times in my life.  But my GP was adamant that I needed to have a pap smear done because early detection of cervical cancer is essential.  I explained to him that I'm not comfortable being penetrated, and I had avoided it for a long time because I was scared.  He recommended his wife's gyno, thinking she was really nice and she'd understand.  She didn't.

 

When I went in to see this gyno, I tried to explain my anxiety about being penetrated.  She just laughed and said no one likes it.  She basically dismissed me.  She asked for my medical history, then went ahead to perform the pap smear.  She didn't get far into me before I started sobbing and yelling "Oh god stop!" and things like that (I honestly don't remember what all I said--I was just so upset).  I couldn't even handle the speculum.  She told me to just relax, but I couldn't.  It hurt too badly.  Finally, she said, "Ok, I'm not going to do this anymore."  She moved away from me, and I asked if she was able to finish.  She said, "No, I couldn't get to the cervix."  The nurse and the student who were present looked increasingly uncomfortable, but said nothing.  In a judgmental tone, the gyno asked me if I'd ever had sex.  I just choked out, "A few times."  She seemed to realize that she was being kind of a jerk, so she put an arm around me, but then she laughed again and said, "Crying over a pap smear.  Never heard of that."  She asked if I would try again another day.  I told her that I knew I needed to because it's a necessary procedure.  She told me I could put my clothes back on and be on my way.  They left the room, with me still crying.  

 

For over a month, my vaginal area hurt so much that it was difficult to walk around at work.  I usually exercise at least 3 times a week, but I couldn't then because it hurt too much.  My mom tried to encourage me to make another appointment, said she would go with me, but I told her I couldn't yet because I was still hurting from the last one and I was completely, utterly humiliated.  Just trying to recount the story made me start crying all over again.  I'd gotten to a point where I was comfortable with my orientation, but all at once, these medical professionals made me feel like a huge freak for not being their idea of sexually active.

 

When the pain from the visit subsided, I kept having pain during urination.  I figured I had a UTI, but I tested negative for that.  I made an appointment with a urologist.  She tried to do a cursory pelvic exam to see if everything was normal, but she couldn't do much before I started crying.  So she immediately stopped.  She told me that she thought my problem was vaginal dryness, most likely, which sometimes feels like a UTI.  She said that because I'm on birth control and an androgen suppressant (for hormonal imbalance) and I'm not exactly younger anymore, I'm likely to get drier faster than other women.  I've been on these medications for 7 years now--long enough that my period stopped for over a year.  The urologist suggested a pill that I would insert into my vagina that might rectify the dryness.  She showed me how it would be done and asked if I would be comfortable with it.  I wouldn't.  

 

So I'm at an impasse.  I've learned to cope better with the painful urination--I find that if I go to the bathroom as soon as I need to pee, I'm less likely to experience any pain.  Waiting to pee because I'm busy at work, or whatever reason, tends to cause problems.  But I am still too scared to go to the gyno.  Has anyone else been through something like this?  Did you eventually get a pap smear done?  Thank you for reading!

 

(And please move this if I chose the wrong forum; it was difficult to choose an appropriate forum.  Thanks).

[Grimalkin]

1 hour ago, bare_trees said:

 

When I went in to see this gyno, I tried to explain my anxiety about being penetrated.  She just laughed and said no one likes it.  She basically dismissed me. 

You're damn right she dismissed you. You need a new gyno.

 

I do agree that it's fun for no one. Nobody likes getting a pap smear. But if you're so clearly uncomfortable as to be sobbing and yelling, then any doctor worth their salt is going to slow down and make sure you're okay.

 

Now, I know nobody likes to hear the "therapy!" cry, but I really think you might be able to benefit from seeing a therapist, possibly a "sex therapist" in particular. This is the kind of psychological trauma that we can't help here. You shouldn't having this kind of pain! A therapist may be able to parse out any hangups you have, and help you with some coping exercises to get you through the unpleasant parts of having lady bits.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Still, not visiting a gyno should be an allowed option as well. If you feel LIKE SUCH AN EXAM WOULD KILL YOU, you have every right to reject it. This is my life and I have a right to decide that I value my sanity and my state-of-having-a-desire-to-live more than full safety in terms of health!

Actually, I would still advise the OP to visit another gyno because she has already been harmed by the previous one and it would be prudent to check what kind of damage has been done - being in pain for so long is definitely a worrying sign. But still: women who have never been sexually active in any way usually don't need pap smears. This kind of examination may be impossible to perform in at least some sexually inexperienced women without damaging something they may prefer to leave undamaged. And generally, for some women visiting a gyno is just unpleasant, and for some it's something terrifying to the absolute extreme. I, personally, will never try therapy for it, because the very idea of being mentally able to undergo such an exam feels violating to me.

[bare_trees]

Thank y'all for the replies!  I do have a therapist and don't mind talking to her about it.  She happens to be a "sex therapist," though I didn't seek her out for that reason--I just wanted to find a queer-friendly counselor in the Deep South and she fit the description.  I've talked to her about this and she has another gyno she recommends for when I'm ready.  I just don't know when that will be.  As far as past trauma, I really don't think there's anything in my past that would have caused me to feel so negatively about being penetrated.  I wish I had an explanation.  I've felt this way as long as I can remember, though.  I was surprised at how much the attempted pap smear hurt--I knew I felt uncomfortable, but I didn't know it would hurt that much.

 

Anyway, not to ramble too much.  Thank y'all for understanding!

[Grimalkin]

You say you've only had vaginal sex three times in your life- did it hurt then, too? Is it possible you have some kind of condition that makes any kind of penetration difficult, such as vaginismus?

[bare_trees]

It was strange and uncomfortable but not painful, but I don't think I was penetrated as deeply as I was by the doctor.  I remember we were trying to take it very slowly and carefully because he knew how I felt about it.  So I'm not sure.

 

I like your signature, by the way.   Where did it come from?  Sounds a bit like Neil Gaiman to me.

 

Is there anyone else on here who's found that possibly because you're ace, gyno visits are more difficult?

[Grimalkin]

26 minutes ago, bare_trees said:

I like your signature, by the way.   Where did it come from?  Sounds a bit like Neil Gaiman to me.

Close- it's Terry Pratchett, and they're good at mimicking each other since they wrote Good Omens together!

[Celyn: The Lutening]

1 hour ago, bare_trees said:

Is there anyone else on here who's found that possibly because you're ace, gyno visits are more difficult?

I noped out of a gynecologist's office the only time I ever went to one. It was a combination of aceness and transness. I don't want anything inserted in there (like you) and I don't want to be reminded that there is a cavity in there at all.

It was supposed to be an exam to confirm endometriosis, but I chickened out. I'd rather live with debilitating pain, dizziness, fainting, and occasional spotting than endure a gynecological exam, that's how bad it is.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I just refuse. Never went to one. I'm very strongly nudity-averse and I just couldn't stand someone looking at my intimate parts or touching them, even without trying to put anything in there... no, sorry, I can't talk about it, the very thought almost makes me cry.

On the other hand, not all aces are nudity-averse and I actually believe that my nudity aversion and sex aversion make me asexual (and not the other way around). My nudity aversion just makes me completely unable to desire any experience involving non-solitary nudity (not that I enjoy being naked... but I can tolerate it on the condition that there's no one else around).

 

So you see why I'm sex-averse. I also couldn't have sex because I just can't bear the thought of another person "seeing" me naked, with eyes or even with hands only, and I can't bear the thought of someone doing something with my body. The only thing I demand is that others stop insisting that loving such an experience is a requirement and not being able to accept it is supposedly immature...

[InariYana]

The speculum is a nasty, nasty tool. I wish they covered them in some soft rubbery/silicone/padded material because it stretches out tissues so badly (or maybe gynos and nurses have a horrible technique). I dread smears... I have given birth, so it should be a way 'easier' experience for me, but it really is horrible. I go regularly and get checked but I'd rather avoid doing it. 

A vaginal cream/gel or pessary would help you @bare_trees - I know applying it seems like something you'd rather not do but you'd feel such a relief. Many women much older than you experience vaginal dryness and nearly constant irritation in that area because of hormone changes and there are great products on the market that really help. 

[Guest]

They have a tiny speculum they use for 12 year olds (though I disagree with shoving anything like that in a kid) but even that made me scream and cry - the pain is unbearable and that's from someone who has been through labour twice. I refuse to ever get a pap smear done again,  and also read that the process itself can increase the risk of cancer due to the damage done to the cervix with the hooks after the speculum is in (the hooks are almost more unpleasant than the speculum if that's possible)..so.. yeah. It's not worth it if you ask me.

 

Your gyno was a total jerk about it though,  I detest the way people meant to be trained in these areas have so little idea what they're doing. Most of them have never heard of vestibulodynia, which is a vaginal pain disorder that causes horrific pain upon penetration and can give you troubles with walking etc for ages after due to the damage that happens. I wonder if you could have something like that or vulvodynia which could have been set off during the exam. I know vulvodynia sufferers sometimes can't even wear underwear as they're in such constant pain, so it wouldn't surprise me if it caused urination pain as one aspect of it? It's extreme sensitivity in the entire vaginal region (including urethra, clit etc) with no diagnosable reason like thrush or infection. These illnesses are very hard to diagnose and even harder to treat (there's no treatment in many cases) but it just shocks me that gynos aren't more away of these problems that relate specifically to the female reproductive organs Y_Y

[bare_trees]

On 6/16/2018 at 10:40 AM, InariYana said:

 

A vaginal cream/gel or pessary would help you @bare_trees - I know applying it seems like something you'd rather not do but you'd feel such a relief. Many women much older than you experience vaginal dryness and nearly constant irritation in that area because of hormone changes and there are great products on the market that really help. 

I'll look into that.  Thank you!

[bare_trees]

On 6/17/2018 at 12:39 AM, FictoVore. said:

They have a tiny speculum they use for 12 year olds (though I disagree with shoving anything like that in a kid) but even that made me scream and cry - the pain is unbearable and that's from someone who has been through labour twice. I refuse to ever get a pap smear done again,  and also read that the process itself can increase the risk of cancer due to the damage done to the cervix with the hooks after the speculum is in (the hooks are almost more unpleasant than the speculum if that's possible)..so.. yeah. It's not worth it if you ask me.

 

Your gyno was a total jerk about it though,  I detest the way people meant to be trained in these areas have so little idea what they're doing. Most of them have never heard of vestibulodynia, which is a vaginal pain disorder that causes horrific pain upon penetration and can give you troubles with walking etc for ages after due to the damage that happens. I wonder if you could have something like that or vulvodynia which could have been set off during the exam. I know vulvodynia sufferers sometimes can't even wear underwear as they're in such constant pain, so it wouldn't surprise me if it caused urination pain as one aspect of it? It's extreme sensitivity in the entire vaginal region (including urethra, clit etc) with no diagnosable reason like thrush or infection. These illnesses are very hard to diagnose and even harder to treat (there's no treatment in many cases) but it just shocks me that gynos aren't more away of these problems that relate specifically to the female reproductive organs Y_Y

Good to know about the smaller speculum--no one had told me about it.  I can't imagine anything making it better, but it's worth asking about.

 

I haven't heard of vestibulodynia, either (although I agree that it would be nice if a gyno did!), so thanks for bringing that to my attention.  Same with vulvodynia.  That gives me some more things to research that no one else has suggested--thanks!

 

I appreciate everyone's replies.  I knew y'all would understand the way I feel about all of it.