Flamered

My Intro....

Recommended Posts

Flamered

Ok,

 

I am obviously not good at creating topic titles... 

 

I am afab (assigned female at birth).

The closest you will get to my actual age is that i was born in the 70's.

I did the stereotypical things girls are suppose to do, i played with dolls, wore make-up (eventually, in high school), dated (very awkwardly), even got married (divorced 4 yrs later), had a kid in my 20's. 

None of it ever felt right.

I dont think i have told anyone, cept for pets that i love them.

 

I am not into sex, or romance.

My experiences with sex were mostly not positive.  I didnt enjoy it.

Was often told that i wasnt good at it.

I havent been with anyone, sexual or relationship wise, for probably 6 or 7 years.

 

 

I have anxiety, depression & bpd (borderline personality disorder).

 

In October i had open heart surgery i was away from home for 3 weeks, had maybe 6 visits in that time.  My mom & her husband, my daughter (21) & a family friend.  It was lonely & hard.

 

For several months after i got home i couldnt even look in mirror, & my daughter said that was my dysphoria of what i had gone through.

Once i could look in the mirror again i get another hit of body dysphoria with extreme heightened anxiety (& everything else).

 

I now have extreme body dysphoria, i want every visible sign of femaleness GONE.  I want no breasts & no outer genitalia.  

Though i dont even have $40 for piercing or tattoo as a symbol that i am heart disease survivor, let alone thousands for body modification surgeries.

I cannot even afford a binder. 

 

I started reading online & my daughter has a book about identities/orientations/genders & suggested i look at it.

After many hours & days of reading things of my youth started clicking into place.

& i had partially figured some things out, though i was never one to fit neatly into a box.  'Specially being a 6ft blond female.

 

i decided that i was an Asexual-Aromantic....  then i was like what about gender, i dont care for being a female, but i dont want to be a male.  I often joke that i am human, Maybe.

 

So off to do more research & talking to my daughter about what i found i came to another conclusion.   I am agender.

 

So i am an Asexual-Aromantic-Agender

 

But now i feel even more invisible & like i dont belong.

& i am an emotional mess between this & the heart thing.

 

Sorry so long..... but thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

(this is the first time i publicly said i am a AAA)

 

p.s. i like brownies more than cake 😉

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ayra Star

Hello & welcome!! (idk if I'm still too new to really do welcomes but ah well, welcome anyway!!!!)

It sounds like you've really been through a lot, and that can undoubtedly make you feel lonely and disconnected from others. But from what I can tell, there are quite a few AAAs here on AVEN so you're definitely not alone! 

Also I'm a lot younger than you so I don't know how helpful my (inexperienced) advice is going to be, but if your daughter has a book on sexualities and suggested you read it then that seems like she'd be pretty accepting of your orientation. Maybe if you talked about it with her it would help you to feel less alone?

Anyway welcome and I'm sure there are lots of people here who can give better advice than I can 😄

Here's a brownie cake hehe:

 

brwnck1k3.jpg

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Flamered

whats funny is that my identity wouldnt even have a name if it was for you youngsters. 🙂  

My daughter has currently settled on BiGendered-BiSexual-DemiRomantic herself, so we do have conversations & try to help each other, though at times i feel weird figuring this out at my age.  Though we know someone a week older than me that is transitioning.  

 

Its just really weird in a society so set on gender & sex.  I feel that i should, in theory, keep quiet when people are talking about sex & their relationships.  

 

I just feel isolated & alone, not sure where to go cause i dont feel like i fit in.

 

P.s.

Thanks for the brownie cake!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lichley

Welcome! Pets are wonderful, do,you have any right now?

chocolate-meringue-layer-cake-124699-1.j

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Flamered

This is our rescue, Doctor Toast, they were abandoned with their pet carrier at an apartment complex.  Picked up by a nice guy who couldnt keep kitty due to wife not liking kittys 😞 . then kitty came to live with us since december 2016.  

Though right now i am not happy with Toast cause, Toast decided to run outside & make me run after & catch them.

 

Other than that Toast is a good cuddler & likes petted.  That helps a lot.  Doctor Toast is our therapy kitty, & kittys help make things better.

 

Thanks for the goodies & the welcomes!

 

35330094_10215034285544841_5331668982736

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ben8884

Welcome! Your cat is adorable!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

That's quite a journey.

 

How about an Ombre Brownie Cake,

cakes-cupcakes-ghirardelli-ghirardelli-c

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TheAP

Welcome, avatar twin! :D I'm sorry for all you've been through. I hope you're enjoying AVEN.

 

Image result for brownies

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Flamered
10 hours ago, ben8884 said:

Welcome! Your cat is adorable!

Thank you!

 

Toast is 20lbs, & that is after i put them on a diet we got them 🙂

I still have issues picking them up after surgery, since i lost a lot of my strength after surgery.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Flamered
6 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

Welcome to AVEN!

 

That's quite a journey.

 

How about an Ombre Brownie Cake,

cakes-cupcakes-ghirardelli-ghirardelli-c

that is the coolest brownie cake EVER  🙂  thanks!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Flamered
5 hours ago, TheAP said:

Welcome, avatar twin! :D I'm sorry for all you've been through. I hope you're enjoying AVEN.

 

Image result for brownies

Yay!!!! i have a twin!!!!

I have always liked this kitty, i use it quite often as an avatar!

The brownies look great, thanks!

 

Aven is probably the only place i feel ok about my identity.......

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now