Raynna

Did you always know? A little confused.

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Raynna

When did you realize you identified as an asexual? How did you know it wasn’t just inexperience or “not finding the right person” or low sex drive or being a germaphobe? I’m not entirely sure if I’m truly asexual bc I’ve thought what if it’s just a combination of all these other things? But if I am... I think I’m gray-A heteroromantic. 

 

Sorry very long and possibly explicit:

 

For the longest time, I always assumed by default that I was heterosexual, because I would have crushes on boys and fantasize about getting married and having a family. However, as I got older I started questioning, well, maybe I’m bisexual...or even lesbian, because a beautiful girl would almost make me feel the same way as a handsome guy. They were both aesthetically nice to look at, and maybe I wanted to touch them or kiss them. My friends would ask, “do you want to have sex with women?” And my answer was pretty much no. BUT what I never really considered was expanding that question to “what about with men?” Now that I really think about it, the answer is also no (most of the time).

 

I’ve been curious and tried things. Kissing—I’ve kissed a lot of guys and a couple of ladies. None of them (except maybe my first kiss with me ex... but maybe it was the alcohol) gave me those “sparks” people talk about.  I don’t really understand what my friends are talking about when they say kissing feels good.

 

Sex—here’s where I’ve thought maybe I’m just not experienced enough or I have a complicated body or I haven’t found the right person. I can’t relate to all the people that rave about sex. Albeit I only tried foreplay with 2 men and had sex with only one guy (my ex of many years).  Those sexual experiences were...anticlimactic. With my ex, I found him good looking, felt a great emotional/mental connection with him, so I wanted to make him happy by giving him sex. But, personally for me, I would never get the urge to want it. Yes, on occasion it was enjoyable, but I much preferred to just cuddle and talk. If I could never have sex again for the rest rest of my life, I’d be a-okay, but I do still want to one day get married to someone I can connect with emotionally and mentally...so def not aro.

 

I will say... when I started researching and reading up on asexuals, I wanted to cry tears of joy. Finally things are starting to make sense. Finally there are other people out there asking the same questions and thinking the same thoughts. 

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Library2

Yes, I always knew I didn't want sex but for a variety of reasons. I knew I REALLY didn't want a kid so of course the possibility of pregnancy was something to avoid at all costs. I also grew up when AIDS/HIV was new in the media so of course I wanted to avoid disease. And raised Catholic might've had something to do with it but not too much, we weren't all that religious. But I've never wanted sex with some random person, it always had to be in terms of a relationship because I have to feel some emotional attachment to even be slightly interested. You'd think that would be a big ego boost to any guy I even talked to never mind had a relationship with. But who knows?

 

Once I came across this term, asexuality, I started thinking more about it and realized even if there was some world without disease and without pregnancy, I wouldn't want to have sex, and even though I thought I wanted to get married, I probably don't, I actually want a long term friend, someone to truly rely on, whatever that means now (platonic, romantic, not sure). And yeah, some parts of sex really do repulse me. It's not due to being a germaphobe either. I know it's not logical but I might be grossed out seeing someone share some food container that they'd then put back in the fridge, but I didn't think that way about kissing, just not really into it either.

 

As for me, I've never been the type to say gee maybe I'd like women instead in a sexual relationship, I just know that I'm asexual. I just wish I'd known years ago so I could've been less aimless I guess. Personally I think I'd probably just be friends with people of any gender and leave out romantic stuff at least for now. I might be new to this stuff but I figure I'm too old for that stuff anymore anyway.

 

I guess I'm more shocked that, gee WHY didn't someone/anyone tell me about this stuff? Feeling kind of stunned. It's like some kid book of the ark story where there's 2 of each animal except for one animal, and they just left him there since he wasnt a couple. Guess I should've known when I was in preschool then huh? Like you're the only one of your orientation. Or so it seems since I've never met an asexual other than me. Good to have this forum but yeah, it would be better to actually talk to other asexuals sometimes. Who knows if that'll ever happen?? Funny, they have support groups for many topics but not for anything related to my life. ugh.

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Fluffy Femme Guy

I didn't even think about applying such a label to myself until a year ago, though I had heard of such a thing existing-by browsing tvtropes of all places! XD
I probably found the tvtropes page about an additional year prior, though my memory isn't perfect.
It wasn't obvious to me at first cause I'm in the gray area.
 

16 minutes ago, Library2 said:

Yes, I always knew I didn't want sex but for a variety of reasons. I knew I REALLY didn't want a kid so of course the possibility of pregnancy was something to avoid at all costs. I also grew up when AIDS/HIV was new in the media so of course I wanted to avoid disease. And raised Catholic might've had something to do with it but not too much, we weren't all that religious. But I've never wanted sex with some random person, it always had to be in terms of a relationship because I have to feel some emotional attachment to even be slightly interested. You'd think that would be a big ego boost to any guy I even talked to never mind had a relationship with. But who knows?

 

Once I came across this term, asexuality, I started thinking more about it and realized even if there was some world without disease and without pregnancy, I wouldn't want to have sex, and even though I thought I wanted to get married, I probably don't, I actually want a long term friend, someone to truly rely on, whatever that means now (platonic, romantic, not sure).

Pretty similar story for me, although I seldom had marriage fantasies, although that's probably WAY less common for a "straight" cis-male to begin with.
I used to occasionally have romantic feelings/fantasies back in high school, but that hasn't happened in a LONG time.
I was aware that my thoughts/feelings about sex while in high school were very different than my classmates.
I would much rather have a few close friends, than a "lover".

Being different that way didn't bother me cause I've always been an oddball in many other areas of my life so I never thought I was gay or had something wrong with me.

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VirtualApocalypse

I didn't come to the conclusion until about two years ago. I had always found people aesthetically nice to look at and would eventually get crushes on a few people I was close too, and when I had thought about potentially having a relationship with them it more so focused on the cuddling and emotional intimacy. The cuddling for me was basically the equivalent of having sex based on the intimacy of it because I don't like touching people, partially because I'm a little bit of a germaphobe but if I'm very comfortable with someone it doesn't bother me at all. In general I do find sex kinda gross with all of the fluids involved, but once I'm close enough with someone that wouldn't bother me anymore, but I still didn't want to have sex with them.

 

I realized I was ace when my girlfriend at the time and I would make-out and she'd kiss my neck and I wasn't into it, I just wanted to cuddle and be close to her that way without anything to do with sex even though the germaphobe aspect had nothing to do with it. After that I had come across the term asexual and it kinda clicked for me that I was ace, I would much rather deal with the urges myself and not involve a partner. With a boyfriend or girlfriend or whoever, I want the emotional intimacy and the physical closeness without the sex in a relationship. Once I realized that and learned about asexuality it definitely helped me learn more about myself and what I'll look for in a relationship in the future.

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Galactic Turtle

Yes. At every moment in my life I knew I didn't currently want to have sex however I assumed that later in my life I would grow to want to have sex because that's what's supposed to happen. However because my interest in sex remained nonexistent I thought it was the same for everyone else around me too in my age group. I thought maybe people only wanted to have sex when they were married and that's what made premarital sex so shocking to some people and what made TV shows like 16 and Pregnant to bizarre. I thought, "who would be having sex at 16?"

 

I was also mistaken about dating. I thought that for the first portion of my life I'd have to follow the lead of my parents and then once I got married I'd have to follow the lead of my husband. Because of this I assumed the only reason to date someone would be if I respected them similarly to how I respect my father. Whenever my friends started dating men I assumed they did so with that respect or potential for respect as a foundation even when from where I was standing they were all just goofballs with mediocre grades. I equated love with respect and admiration, not with desires for physical contact much less physical intimacy. I thought only men actually enjoyed sex and women did it out of respect for their partner.

 

Of course now I've been exposed to a lot more in the world. I still find various things confusing but I'm comfortable thinking of myself as aro ace... or at least someone with no interest in sex or dating.

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Claire1983

No,  had no clue.  Looking back I can start to connect the dots, but for a variety of reasons it never crossed my mind.  

 

I'm 34 and I just found out that asexuality was a thing last year.  I also have social anxiety, low self esteem and I was bullied through most of school.  I was always weird in one way or another.  Even from an early age my peers were kind of focused on crushes and dating and body image, which unfortunately became the benchmark for my self esteem, which I consistently fell short on.  So I had this idea that I needed a boyfriend to validate my self worth.  My social group growing up was pretty liberal minded so I knew about gay and bi, but no one ever mentioned asexuality.  I knew I wasn't a lesbian since I didn't want to sleep with women, so I just assumed I was straight because, well that was the only other option.  I also had really bad fomo and wanted to fit in very badly so I think a lot of my behavior and thinking related to sex was sort of learned rather than innate.  i used to be the most oblivious person in the world and never understood dirty humor.  I love it now, but I think it was a bit of an acquired taste.

 

I was never successful at relationships and I was always a bit skittish about sex.  I assumed that these were just due to my anxiety and emotional issues.  I did have sex but only when drunk.  The few times I've had a boyfriend, I never got the the point where I felt comfortable sleeping with them.  I'm definitely not aro and I do have a libido so that really threw me off. It's really tricky when all the other pieces are there and you can't understand why the last piece won't click.

 

When I finally discovered asexuality, things started to click into place, but yeah, it can be very confusing when you don't feel something that the whole world is telling you you should be feeling.

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hward

I didn't know, and I only found out about asexuality within the last few months,  When I did start to read about it it was like a lightbulb moment for me with certain things starting to make sense.  Basically I thought I was straight as, like others have said, I knew I wasn't into women.  But then I tried sex and having a relationship and nothing felt right.  I didn't enjoy sex which didn't make sense as all I'd heard was "sex is amazing" which just didn't happen for me - all the stuff that is supposed to feel great and turn you on etc feels, well like nothing.  I don't even like kissing.  So then I got all confused and thought I was broken and got myself into a bit of a state, until with the help of good old Google I stumbled upon this site, and after a bit more confusion had the aforementioned lightbulb moment.  I just wish that asexuality is better known about so that people who are struggling and confused can try to reach an answer sooner.

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Sweet Potato

I wish!

 

I knew I loved my husband, I found him to be quite nice to look at too, I knew my sexual organs functioned normally, so I figured I was just a normal Cis het woman. the fact that no matter what I never actually wanted sex was a huge source of stress for me personally and for my marriage. I spent hours on the internet trying to find out what could be wrong with me, finding all sorts of useless advice on how to "discover what you like in bed".  I tried counseling, but it never got very far.

I stumbled upon the word Asexual a couple months after we separated.

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Raynna
On 6/14/2018 at 10:37 AM, hward said:

I didn't know, and I only found out about asexuality within the last few months,  When I did start to read about it it was like a lightbulb moment for me with certain things starting to make sense.  Basically I thought I was straight as, like others have said, I knew I wasn't into women.  But then I tried sex and having a relationship and nothing felt right.  I didn't enjoy sex which didn't make sense as all I'd heard was "sex is amazing" which just didn't happen for me - all the stuff that is supposed to feel great and turn you on etc feels, well like nothing.  I don't even like kissing.  So then I got all confused and thought I was broken and got myself into a bit of a state, until with the help of good old Google I stumbled upon this site, and after a bit more confusion had the aforementioned lightbulb moment.  I just wish that asexuality is better known about so that people who are struggling and confused can try to reach an answer sooner.

I can relate so much. I just keep thinking maybe I wasn’t doing it right or maybe its not the right person. I’m not even sure where I first heard the word asexual (maybe I was reading about plants or some other non-human organisms about 2 years ago) and then I got curious and started googling if that could be applied to humans.

I do too wish asexuality was better known. I have so many gay, lesbian, bi etc friends that I go to Pride with. There was never any representation for the asexuals until this year. 

 

On 6/14/2018 at 10:19 AM, Claire1983 said:

I'm definitely not aro and I do have a libido so that really threw me off. It's really tricky when all the other pieces are there and you can't understand why the last piece won't click.

 

When I finally discovered asexuality, things started to click into place, but yeah, it can be very confusing when you don't feel something that the whole world is telling you you should be feeling.

Yes yes! It was always that feeling that something wasn’t quite right... something was always missing and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. 

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Raynna
On 6/14/2018 at 10:54 AM, Sweet Potato said:

I wish!

 

I knew I loved my husband, I found him to be quite nice to look at too, I knew my sexual organs functioned normally, so I figured I was just a normal Cis het woman. the fact that no matter what I never actually wanted sex was a huge source of stress for me personally and for my marriage. I spent hours on the internet trying to find out what could be wrong with me, finding all sorts of useless advice on how to "discover what you like in bed".  I tried counseling, but it never got very far.

I stumbled upon the word Asexual a couple months after we separated.

I’m sorry about the separation. :(

I thought I was just a normal woman that was juuuust harder to please than normal. It was always confusing because it wasn’t like my body was broken... there just seemed to never be a mind to body connection to say “I like what’s happening.” 

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MichaelTannock

@Raynna Welcome to AVEN!

 

I never experienced sexual attraction, but I didn't always know that I was Asexual.
I assumed that I was Heterosexual until I realised at around 14 that everyone else was experiencing an attraction I wasn't, that made them sexual.
I'm also Aromantic and had a similar realisation at the same time about romantic orientations.

 

10.jpg

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Raynna
On 6/15/2018 at 7:12 PM, MichaelTannock said:

@Raynna Welcome to AVEN!

 

I never experienced sexual attraction, but I didn't always know that I was Asexual.
I assumed that I was Heterosexual until I realised at around 14 that everyone else was experiencing an attraction I wasn't, that made them sexual.
I'm also Aromantic and had a similar realisation at the same time about romantic orientations.

 

10.jpg

That chocolate cake!! 😍

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