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Possible asexual

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Hi. This is a bit awkward for me but I think I might be asexual. I am 29 years old and a virgin. I just haven't wanted to have sex with anyone up to this point. I am super scared of sex though since I was abused as a kid but I have never really been sexually attracted to anyone either. I might have been once but it lasted five minutes and it was a guy. So I am basing that I am straight on that one incident. I have a fiance whom I love but not at all sexually attracted to. In fact I am having a hard time even getting aroused when we make out. Might be the anti-depression meds I take but honestly I really never have had a sex drive to begin with like ever.


The only reason I want to try sex is because I want to have a kid one day. I don't want to lose my fiance either so I kind of in a picky when it comes to sex. Since to be honest I kind of don't want to have sex most of the time. 


I am just really confused right now. I feel there is something wrong with me. So looking for answers. Anyone have any thoughts on this? 

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Welcome to AVEN!


Based on what you've said I'd say you are Asexual.
That five minutes of possible sexual attraction you mention could also have been another type of attraction.
This image explains them,


And you might find this post helpful if you haven't read it already,


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First of all, it is customary for AVENites to give cake as a "piece" of our inside joke, "Cake is better than sex." So, 




Welcome! It's ok that you aren't into sex. And yes, that "qualifies" you to call yourself asexual 😊 However, as you mentioned, your possibly identifying as asexual does seem to pose a couple problems, namely that you want to have kids, and that your fiancé is, I assume, sexual.


I was engaged to a (very) sexual person when I discovered my possible asexuality. It is important that you be open with him. I was afraid my fiancé would leave me. Instead, he said, "Then we'll never have sex again, if you don't want to." I didn't like that option. I thought he might come to resent me, and he is such a wonderful person that I didn't want him to give up something that makes him very happy, "just" to be my husband. 


I was abused, too, and my psyche responded with repulsion to sex. So I got a good therapist, came out to her, and we started working on "reprogramming" the way my body instinctively responds to the idea of sex. I had to remind myself "you're safe" about a billion times, every time we tried. Sometimes we had to stop in the middle because I physically or mentally couldn't do it. I had lots of flashbacks and triggers. But I got through it and set a goal of once a week, and we usually meet or exceed it. If not, he says, "no big deal," and I breathe through my feelings of  self-disappointment and try to do better next time. 


My point is, whether sex is "good, awful, or akin to folding laundry," as one AVENite described (I've lost the original quote 😢), you CAN have a healthy and mutually fulfilling marriage with a sexual person. As with all marriages, communication is key. Let him know it's ok for him to express disappointment. Be open to his perspective, and share yours. Sometimes the things you say will hurt each other. Forgive and keep going.


My husband didn't want me to call myself asexual. He felt like it meant I wasn't attracted to him at all, that he was the problem. I tried to explain the different types of attraction as Michael so helpfully posted above, but it didn't change how he felt, so I said that was okay and stopped using that word in front of him. Communication and compromise. If this fiancé of yours is the love of your life and you are the love of his, it will be more than worth it. Also, I highly recommend a good psychologist to help you through the pieces (possible repulsion, etc.) which may be related to the abuse you suffered. I'm really sorry about that, by the way 😢 People can be awful sometimes, but rising above it is incredibly empowering.


Sorry for the novel. I wish you all the best! Please feel free to reach out here or in my inbox if you want to chat more 😄 My hopes are high for your future with your fiancé. The hubs and I have been married 3 years and have conquered many mountains together. We're VERY happy. It can be done 😁

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