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Hureuf

My best friend suggested tonight that she thinks I'm asexual. I've never thought about it before and the more I read on it the more I'm scared that she's right. I'm 24 and a virgin, I'm not really sure who to talk to about this.

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Fiorine

Hello @Hureuf. Welcome to AVEN :cake:! I'm sure a lot of people (including me) are willing to talk to you about asexuality here. That's why we're here after all!

 

This is definitely sudden of me to ask, but why are you scared of being asexual? You don't have to respond to me immediately because I want you to think deeply about why you feel this way. 

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Hureuf

There's a lot of things that scare me about it. My family is closed minded and would never understand. I've always wanted the "perfect family" where I have a husband and kids. I dont even want a husband to have one I only want one so my kids can have a loving father which I know sounds awful. I've known for awhile that I'm aromantic ... which is hard to accept because I feel like I should have romantic feelings but I just never do. I dont like being touched except by people closest to me and even then it's just a hug. I hate cuddling and I've never had sex because I simply don't want to. I dont get sexual feelings for others but I've always told myself that it's because I haven't found the right person ... I always thought I was just late on getting these feelings but I hit puberty at 10 and I'm 24 now and still dont have them. How am I supposed to have kids and give them a loving father if I cant be with a man romantically or sexually? 

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havenseeker

You can talk to me if you feel like it.

 

My friend jokes about it so many times. She told me to adopt, marry a gay man, and/or artifical insemination. 

 

My family isn't too happy that I'm ace. My dad says there's something wrong with me, and my mom tries to set me up wherever I go. But sometimes you gotta do what you wanna do and what you're comfortable with doing. Try not to force yourself. As long as you're not hurting anyone else, who cares? 

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Fiorine

A lot of people in the LGBTQIA+ community also hesitate in telling their family about their identity because of the fear of rejection. You  shouldn't tell them to "explain yourself." Instead, you should tell them because you want to share with them who you are. In the end, it's really up to you to decide whether or not to tell them. There are people who will understand what you're feeling, and it doesn't have to be your family. 

 

This might sound odd and certainly isn't a "traditional" way of thinking, but I think it's possible to have a successful marriage and a happy family without romantic love. There are definitely different bonds that tie married people together; romantic love isn't and doesn't have to be the only one. This is kind of sad to think about, but there are marriages where the romantic love is gone and all that's left is commitment... which describes my parents' marriage, and I wouldn't call it a happy marriage. So, just because marriage starts with and/or has romantic love doesn't automatically make it a successful and happy marriage. Personally speaking, I'm fairly certain I'm aromantic too and I'd like to get married to someone I'd consider a best friend who's also aromantic/asexual. I'm not a cuddly or kissy person either, but I still want to be close to someone like what marriage implies, just in a platonic way. (Also I like the tax break.) Yes, there's a blurry line between romantic love and platonic love, and some people don't know between the two, but it's still love. 

 

You're a unique person, but this problem isn't unique to you if that makes sense. It sounds like you're generalizing all men as people who want to be with a woman who can sexually and romantically fulfill them when in reality that's not true at all. Also, some asexuals do have sex in order to have kids. I'm not suggesting for you to have sex if you don't want to, and there's other options like adoption for you in order to have children. 

 

Hopefully some of this helps you out because I don't want you to be afraid of being asexual. I'll admit that it might be difficult for you to come to terms with asexuality as a part of who you are if you do start to identify yourself as asexual, but I'm glad you're taking the time to think about it. 

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