Talk to me about being fraysexual

[ryn2]

(I checked “where do I post my thread?” but still wasn’t sure, especially given the current discussion around whether or not demi/grey/fray/etc. are asexual - please move if needed)

 

I’m trying to determine if I’m fraysexual, or if I’m just misinterpreting the term.

 

Does the loss of attraction/desire happen as soon as a relationship starts/looks promising, or can it take a while?

 

Once it’s lost, do you intrinsically miss it (for itself, not just for how it strains the relationship)?  Do you want to go find someone else to feel that way about?

 

Is it easier to date asexuals and just ignore the early feelings, or to date sexuals and sustain sex without attraction?

[bejjinks]

As far as the "current discussion", that discussion is not trying to exclude demi/gray/fray. I think your post belongs here.

 

Fraysexual is far more vaguely defined than ace, demi, and gray. I had to look the word up and there isn't much out there about it. I think you're pioneering new ground so to speak and will have to figure out a lot for yourself.

[ryn2]

17 minutes ago, bejjinks said:

As far as the "current discussion", that discussion is not trying to exclude demi/gray/fray. I think your post belongs here.

Some of the posters noted that, because demi/grey/fray people do experience sexual attraction/desire partnered sex under specific circumstances, they are not asexual.  The heart of the matter seems to be whether “asexuality is a spectrum” or “sexuality is a spectrum with asexuality at one endpoint” is more accurate.

 

17 minutes ago, bejjinks said:

Fraysexual is far more vaguely defined than ace, demi, and gray. I had to look the word up and there isn't much out there about it. I think you're pioneering new ground so to speak and will have to figure out a lot for yourself.

I’m hoping a few people on here have thoughts/experiences to share.  Blazing trails gets wearing!

[InariYana]

I experienced sexual attraction maybe 5 times in my life and every single time it did not last long, whether there was a potential for a relationship or not that much really. So it's not exactly fray-sexual... but what was similar - inability to sustain that rare sexual attraction in any way. It was vanishing rather fast too, whether there really was any sexual contact or it was just sexual attraction without any action and all was in my head. I've always been pretty passive about it and I wouldn't say that attraction was particularly intense. More like a nuisance. 

 

I certainly don't miss feeling sexual attraction. I felt almost like someone drugged me  I guess if it's all so extremely rare, it may feel odd and rather uncomfortable. If I was a sexual person experiencing this kind of attraction daily or weekly it would seem like an integral part of my life and who I am. If you have years between instances of sexual attraction... it may feel like some strange hormonal brain flu  and when it's gone, it's gone for good.   

 

I'd definitely choose dating asexuals and just wait till sexual attraction vanishes (if there is any... not much chance of that). It's never been strong or long-lasting so I'd just wait it out. 

Sustaining sex without attraction... I tried that too many times and it was a struggle getting worse and worse with time, so... it wouldn't make me (or my partner) happy at all.  

[Alejandrogynous]

I'm not fraysexual, but I admit I don't really understand it in terms of being a permanent condition. To me, it sounds like what I used to experience before I knew anything about asexuality/aromantisicm. I'd feel so eager at the start of relationships, giddy and excited for sex, until it would rather quickly... fade completely. In retrospect, I realize this wasn't actually because my feelings changed but because I was young and didn't know there was any option but to feel that way. That's just how it happened, right? Like somebody, get the butterflies, want to jump their bones, lol. But it couldn't last because fooling them and myself both wasn't sustainable. 

 

So yeah, not fray, just an ace who had to figure out what they were actually feeling with a lot of soul searching.  

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Alejandrogynous said:

I'm not fraysexual, but I admit I don't really understand it in terms of being a permanent condition. To me, it sounds like what I used to experience before I knew anything about asexuality/aromantisicm. I'd feel so eager at the start of relationships, giddy and excited for sex, until it would rather quickly... fade completely. In retrospect, I realize this wasn't actually because my feelings changed but because I was young and didn't know there was any option but to feel that way. That's just how it happened, right? Like somebody, get the butterflies, want to jump their bones, lol. But it couldn't last because fooling them and myself both wasn't sustainable. 

 

So yeah, not fray, just an ace who had to figure out what they were actually feeling with a lot of soul searching.  

That’s what I’m trying to retroactively sort out, as I didn’t have the knowledge of asexuality at the time.  It’s hard to think back to decades ago and tease apart what I was feeling at the time.  Back then I just assumed I’d ended up with the wrong person or “fallen out of love.”

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, yyy said:

What does "fray" mean? (At least in this context)

Experiencing sexual attraction/desiring partnered sex, but (some variation on) having that be short-lived.

[Alejandrogynous]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

That’s what I’m trying to retroactively sort out, as I didn’t have the knowledge of asexuality at the time.  It’s hard to think back to decades ago and tease apart what I was feeling at the time.  Back then I just assumed I’d ended up with the wrong person or “fallen out of love.”

Yeah, it took me a lot of unpacking to figure out what was going on with me. I discovered asexuality in my 20's which I'm grateful for, but even then, a lot of confusion and hurt could have been avoided if I'd known about it earlier. Visibility is important and all that, lol. But yeah, turns out I just thought that was how I should feel, and thus I assumed that was how I felt, but I didn't really, and that was the disconnect.

[ryn2]

3 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

But yeah, turns out I just thought that was how I should feel, and thus I assumed that was how I felt, but I didn't really, and that was the disconnect.

I’m thinking this may have been true for me, but the last time I put it to the test was in 1996.  I can easily remember events that far back, as well as distressing emotions, but the routine-at-the-time stuff is a lot harder to recollect.

[Anemoon]

Hmmm, kind of what I'm trying to figure out too. I hope it's ok to write here in spite of this being a week old.

 

Since I found this community, I identify as fraysexual. Sometimes it takes a couple of months, sometimes it takes a little more than a year.... but eventually I come to a point where I can't be bothered by sex. It just annoys me! I don't need it, I don't want it, I'm not in the mood and I hate any advance. However, I still love the other one, I'm happy in the relationship and I'm absolutely not looking around for someone else. If I fell aroused I don't need partnered sex or it's just like kind of... 'using' the other one to achieve an orgasme. It feels as bad as it sounds... 😞 but it stops the recriminations for some time.

 

But other then you I do identify as sexual, because in that initial period of time I do feel sexual attraction. It's not only the excitement of a new relationship. It's like my all body screams for that persoon, like every cell of my skin feels his presence even if he doesn't touch me. My boyfriend is asexual and there is a huge difference in the way we both think about sex, even though I feel much closer and confortable with him than to my ex-partners.

 

But maybe is sexual also just the way I 'learnt' to think about myself. I always thought I was kind of weird. I think about people in terms of intelligent, nice and interesting instead of hot, sexy and desirable. And I have a kink for intelligence.

[ryn2]

9 hours ago, Anemoon said:

But other then you I do identify as sexual, because in that initial period of time I do feel sexual attraction. It's not only the excitement of a new relationship. It's like my all body screams for that persoon, like every cell of my skin feels his presence even if he doesn't touch me. 

Part of the problem for me is that it’s been so long since I embarked upon a new relationship that I don’t remember precisely how I felt, why I wanted sex, etc.  In the intervening years I’ve worked through a decade of therapy, had a stroke and gone on tons of medication, gone through perimenopause/menopause, found kinks that work for me, and learned about asexuality... so I also have no idea at this point what I would experience if I began a new relationship or whether it would resemble what I encountered in the past.

 

I guess in the end I am “effectively asexual” because if I stay in a relationship I’m not going to experience sexual attraction to/sexual desire for my partner for the vast majority of it.

 

And of course it’s no problem to respond a few days “late”...

[Jenbl]

On 6/15/2018 at 6:48 PM, Anemoon said:

Since I found this community, I identify as fraysexual. Sometimes it takes a couple of months, sometimes it takes a little more than a year.... but eventually I come to a point where I can't be bothered by sex. It just annoys me! I don't need it, I don't want it, I'm not in the mood and I hate any advance. However, I still love the other one, I'm happy in the relationship and I'm absolutely not looking around for someone else. If I fell aroused I don't need partnered sex or it's just like kind of... 'using' the other one to achieve an orgasme. It feels as bad as it sounds... 😞 but it stops the recriminations for some time.

This right here is exactly how I feel. For years now I've stayed single because I thought I was just bad at relationships but the more I learn and read about fray/greysexual I'm finally finding I'm not alone. My biggest worry is still though that even though I'm starting to understand myself I'm still going to be alone. I crave a relationship and not being alone but I don't know how to go about it knowing that the sexual interest will eventually fade and that always seems to be the beginning of the end. 

[headnut]

Sorry for pushing up this old thread... but I have no idea where else I am able to share my story / my thoughts.

 

Since "I" was not able to keep the next long relationship "alive", I venture the step to a larger mass to open.

I'm male in my early 30s, certainly hetero and had several sexual partners and in principle 5 relationships with "only" of it lasted longer than 1 year.

I would say that my sex life is "standard", that I like to masturbate, that I am open to one-night stands, and that I also like to have sex. But ...

The problem is in relationships ... even there everything fits in the beginning. And at some point, I can not say exactly, but guess after about 6-8 months is lull. I just feel no desire - and now comes the decisive - on the partner. Every other woman in the world, but not my partner, appeals to me. I have never gone out, but if I had done it, the sex would not have been a problem ... Funny enough, the sex with the EX suddenly worked again. But as soon as I bind myself "emotionally" to a woman, this craving for sex - down to an absolute minimum (once in every few months, but more out of compulsion to do justice to the partner) - is absolutely gone. Also, the need to kiss is hardly available from my side. My (ex) partner, report it feels like best friends ...

At first I thought it was just the wrong partners. But now that it has come to an end for the third time - and this time it really tears my heart, because it was perfect for ME - I do not believe in the "excuse" wrong partner anymore.

 

 

[artkuno]

Just came across this term.. fraysexual.. today! I'm hoping some of the language of asexuality can help me describe what I'm feeling and come to some kind of understanding on this.

 

I'm resonating with what some of you are saying

On 11/18/2019 at 7:49 PM, headnut said:

I just feel no desire - and now comes the decisive - on the partner. Every other woman in the world, but not my partner, appeals to me.

 

On 11/18/2019 at 7:49 PM, headnut said:

But as soon as I bind myself "emotionally" to a woman, this craving for sex - down to an absolute minimum

 

On 6/16/2018 at 2:48 AM, Anemoon said:

Sometimes it takes a couple of months, sometimes it takes a little more than a year.... but eventually I come to a point where I can't be bothered by sex. It just annoys me! I don't need it, I don't want it, I'm not in the mood and I hate any advance.

The thing is though, my sexual attraction fades as soon as I put someone in the "love interest" box, usually I can tell pretty fast, so after the first date, where we might have had (great) sex, then I just want to cuddle, and sometimes kiss... and I dread being propositioned for sex! (I don't think I could last a couple months or more of sex with partners, like you guys. @Anemoon and @headnut ). I'm 37 years old and 3 of my past relationships have ended because I simply couldn't explain how yes I was in love with them, enjoyed cuddling, found them physically attractive  BUT i did not want to have sex, oral or penetrative, and kissing was fine as long as it was without tongue.

 

Have you guys found that fraysexual is enough for you or have you sought out other theories? Have you talked to therapists about attachment issues? I'm still wondering if this is a result of me being avoidant-attached.

[fraybe]

I feel the need to revive this, too. It's resonating with me a lot, and I just wanted to share my story. I still don't know if the term "fraysexual" fits my experience, or if I even fall under the ace umbrella. But I feel like this term is the closest thing I've gotten to an answer regarding my experiences.

 

I'm a queer cisgender woman. I've had a lot of sex with a lot of different people. I've felt sexually aroused by new partners, and I've liked pursuing sex--but when I get it, I feel a bit "blah" about it. This might be because it's hard for me to orgasm, or it might be because I prefer the "thrill of the chase" or whatever. But in my list of favorite activities, sex is always cool, but like... I'd rather get takeout and play video games? Or go shopping? Or go for a hike?

 

Anyways, my desire for sex would always just fall flat after being with someone for a while. It could take a few weeks, at max a few months. But then, the desire for sex would be gone. And like Anemoon said, I'd find it annoying when my partners would want sex. I would have sex, but it felt like a chore. 

 

Fast forward to now. I'm married to my partner who is ace, and it's been amazing! At the beginning we had sex pretty regularly (for me), which was about once every other week. (They don't mind having sex sometimes, but it's not something they desire. We're very clear about this.) But after a few months we stopped having sex regularly, and now we have sex maybe once every six months to a year. Even then, I don't actually pursue the sex. My partner just occasionally decides that it must be about time I want sex, and so they get really sweet and seductive and we have sex. And while that sex is nice, it's not something I'd seek out or prioritize or even really desire. But it's like... sweet and fun? I'd still rather get takeout and play video games, but I think having the very occasional sex kind of checks off this box for me. Like, "Yay we did it! Now we're free to do even more fun and relaxing things for another year or so." (I recognize that this "box" is probably a problematic byproduct of societal pressure.) I imagine this is kind of how some people feel about going to museums... like they are supposed to want to go to museums to feel culturally literate, but they'd rather go see a super heroes movie or grab a drink at a dive bar. So from time to time they will go to a museum to check out what the fuss is about, and they'll think that it was pretty neat and they're generally able to appreciate the art, but the next time they have free time they are totally not going to go to another museum.

 

It wasn't until I married my partner that I was finally able to see that my lack of desire for sex is just fine. It's such a relief not to be pressured for sex! I always felt like I had to perform in past relationships, and I'm such a people pleaser that I ended up having a lot sex I didn't particularly feel like having.

 

To get into the weeds of things, it's almost as if my sexual arousal waxes and wanes like a lot of sexual people, but my sexual desire has a short-lived window in relationships. Sex is generally pleasant enough as long as I'm aroused, but I generally don't feel like doing it, and if I'm pressured to have it too often then my arousal plummets too.

Edited December 28, 2019 by fraybe
Edited wording to better represent my experience

[Ciki]

Um,not to be rude or ignorant,but what does 'fraysexual' even mean?I'm kinda new to this whole community so yeah...

[ryn2]

7 hours ago, CBC said:

I've no idea why it's a word on its own. 

I think the distinguishing factor is that it happens 100% of the time so the person basically can’t have sexual relationships. At least, that was how I understood it when I was researching it a while back.  Like, you like the thrill of the chase but once you start a relationship and begin having sex you become (potentially more romantically attracted/attached) but quickly (even immediately) completely unattracted sexually... every single time.

[Peter VRooden]

To me frayseksual means that seksual attraction to a guy disappears the moment there is a click or a start of forming a bond.