LittleBean

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LittleBean

Hi, I'm new here. Literally. About 10 minutes ahah. I'm a teenager and I learnt about asexuality a couple of days ago. I thought it seemed to describe me and i've done research but I'm a bit confused about all the different types of asexuality and I don't want to incorrectly label myself incase I'm not even asexual and I'm just making it up in my head (I overthink like that).

 

I'm straight, i find people attractive and i want to be romantic with them like go on dates and cuddle. I've also had a boyfriend and I loved him, but we kissed a few times, and I never really enjoyed it. I didn't hate it, i just found it a bit boring and i didn't really feel anything at all - to me it was just touching lips and I only did it because he seemed to like it. When my friends make sex jokes and talk about sex, I join in because I understand that they find it funny, but I don't really relate to it. I often get turned on and feel attracted to people on a romantic level, but I find the concept of sex weird and uninteresting, and i don't ever remember thinking 'I want to have sex with them'. I also feel very strong attraction to one particular boy at my school currently, and I would love to date them, but I have never considered sex with them that I can remember.

 

My parents are accepting and most of my friends are, I'm just worried about coming out if I'm not asexual and for people to judge me or be confused. Since I'm only young I also thought maybe I just haven't found the right person yet?

 

so yeah, sorry for such a long post, but i've only been considering this for a few days and looking back it seems to describe me pretty well. Can someone give me advice back or whether they have any idea on whether I'm asexual or not.

 

thanks so much for reading!!

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Falafelphy

You sound like you're definitely at least on the asexual spectrum to me. Remember: it is still possible to feel romantic attraction if you're ace. It's also possible that you could be gray-asexual or demisexual (which both fit under the asexual umbrella, yet mean that you feel sexual attraction less often or only to people you already have a close emotional bond with). You definitely don't have to be a sex-repulsed ace aro to call yourself asexual.

 

Of course, I don't know how young you are, but from my experience, if you're old enough to be questioning your identity this way, you're probably serious about it. Could you grow out of it? Maybe. But that doesn't mean you can't label yourself as ace for now and then realize you're actually not later in life.

 

Hope this helps!

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DarkSun

If I were you, I'd probably consider myself Asexual.

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LittleBean

Thanks for all the help by the way, I'd appareicate any more ideas you guys have :)

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LittleBean

Hi, sorry another thing I just forgot to add. Obviously i've only been considering this for a few days, so if I did come out it would be after weeks or months of hard thought and research until I was 100% sure. I do want to come out to my parents if I am asexual, who are accepting, but I'm a bit worried about it. This is because since I joke about sex with them (because I think that's what teenagers are expected to do) and they know I had a boyfriend, they may not really understand or think it's 'just a phase'. They wouldn't judge me but since asexuality doesn't seem to be a well known thing, I'm not sure how to come out in the right way to them - their reaction would probably be 'we support you in anything you do but you're probably overreacting since you had a boyfriend and sometimes joke about sex, you're just going through a phase, wait until your older'. Or they'd dismiss it and tell me I was just worrying, which would probably be worse. So yeah, sorry for so many messages but I'm just a bit lost on what to do ahah.

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Falafelphy
8 hours ago, LittleBean said:

I do want to come out to my parents if I am asexual, who are accepting, but I'm a bit worried about it. This is because since I joke about sex with them (because I think that's what teenagers are expected to do) and they know I had a boyfriend, they may not really understand or think it's 'just a phase'. They wouldn't judge me but since asexuality doesn't seem to be a well known thing, I'm not sure how to come out in the right way to them

So I actually went through about this exact situation a couple months ago. I'd been questioning for a while, and even had a boyfriend my senior year of high school, mostly just to see if romance was just something I had to work towards even though I hadn't ever felt any of those urges. I do also joke about sex with my parents (and I also watch Game of Thrones with them). It's a little over a year ago now that I finally decided I was definitely ace/aro, and it took a bit of getting used to before I started telling people. Then over the winter I decided I should come out to my parents. I didn't get the opportunity until March (I'm in college and I wanted to do it in person).

 

I came out to my mom first because I thought she would have at least heard of the term, and it was a little rough, but once I explained some things it was OK. I sent her some videos later to give her more information too.

 

Coming out to my dad was a little different because he doesn't really pay much attention to LGBTQ+ issues in general - mostly because they don't have a direct impact on his life most of the time. Needless to say, he had never heard of asexuality. Still, he was very willing to learn about what I was going through, and watched the same videos I'd sent my mom. Afterwards, he asked a lot of questions, and even told me that he'd expected me to come out as gay or something for the past year.

 

Of course, your experience won't be exactly like mine. But the takeaway here is that if your parents really are accepting, they'll take you seriously and respect your experiences. Also, sometimes, like my dad, parents are much more perceptive of this kind of thing than you think. I actually talked to a friend of mine who is pan after I came out, and he said his mom said the same thing as my dad.

 

But yeah, coming out is hard, especially if the people who you're coming out to aren't familiar with asexuality. Getting information on this really helps though, so I'd recommend getting that ready beforehand. Good luck!

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LittleBean

Thanks so much for this advice. It's really helpful and I appreciate it! I'm glad ur parents accepted the real you :) 

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LittleBean
On 6/9/2018 at 9:59 PM, Falafelphy said:

 

You sound like you're definitely at least on the asexual spectrum to me. Remember: it is still possible to feel romantic attraction if you're ace

 

Thanks for the help. Do you have any tips on how to come out to my parents - if I wanted to in the future? I'm a bit nervous 😅

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Falafelphy
7 hours ago, LittleBean said:

Do you have any tips on how to come out to my parents - if I wanted to in the future?

Definitely be prepared to give a vocabulary lesson (unless you are one of the lucky few whose parents are well educated in this area) - it helps to have books or videos that you can use so the pressure isn't so much on you when it doesn't have to be. If your parents are accepting (unfortunately not all are), they will believe what you're telling them and not question your feelings. Of course, they may think it's some bad thing that's out of your control, but if you show them that this isn't a bad thing and get them to understand that this isn't a hormone imbalance, you should be all set. Also, with coming out, parents tend to notice more than you think, so there's a chance they'll be expecting you to say something about this when you do (even if they aren't expecting it to be asexuality).

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LittleBean

@Falafelphy

 

thx for the tips:) really appreciate the help

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