In love with an Asexual, need opinions

[QuinDecim]

Greetings, I'm writing here because the best people who can give me a honest opinion about the situation and advice are people similar to the girl I care about. I'm also writing this fully aware that she may stumble upon this thread and recognize me.

 

So, I met this girl about 3 years ago and we became good friends, sharing the same hobbies, interests, having a good time together etc. After a while I found myself falling in love with her and asked her for a relationship, which she declined saying that she isnt interested in such things and doesnt want to pull my nose and giving me hope. She explained that she has been in a relationship with a friend of ours 5-6 years ago and that it didnt work out, she has been single since and uninterested in any sort of romance. I distanced myself for a while to sort myself out and we recently got into contact again.

Another important thing that happened during that time, I was sick and tired of myself and all of my failed  relationships at the time. While yes, I was in relationships of varying lengths (from a few days, one night stands to 2 years) those failed because the girls I attracted were either only seeking attention and moved on once they got that, or sought me out for personal interest because of my good nature and the fact that I had a job even in middle school and earned well for myself. Because of that I hated myself for being so nice to people but I also hated the thought of using people in the same way I was used (funny comparison, as a dildo or just something to lighten your own mood)... and I was VERY suicidal. Meeting her and getting rejected with a valid reason gave me hope and food for thought, she quite literally saved my life by giving me hope that I'd meet someone like her and to never give up.

 

Now for the current situation, I contacted her and we began hanging out again. She knows how I feel about her and I've brought it up again in discussions, I told her the complete truth about myself and she told me about herself too (being asexual to the point that she doesnt even pleasure herself, not wanting a relationship until she stabilizes her own life, being abandoned by people who sought her company only because they were depressed and needed her friendship, about being very religious and still a virgin). I still love her as much if not even more than I did before, I respect her and wanted to know more about here (thus I was lead here and started learning about asexuality) and I feel indebted to her for giving me hope and stopping my depression, self hatred and suicidal tendencies. We are both being open to each-other and I started giving her the attention and affection she obviously deserves (which includes cuddling but not seeking anything more) which she is fine with when I explained to her that these are my gifts to her and she shouldn't feel bad or even think that she is sending me mixed signals, because we know where we stand. She says she is fine with me searching for a partner that will love me back and I have told her the same: If she ever feels attracted to someone other than me I wont hold it against her and I will let her go, but I wont abandon her because we value our friendship over anything else. Sure it would feel bad if we never actually end up together, but I will gladly bear that burden to see her happy. She isnt receiving this kind of attention from anyone else nor does she want to because she doesnt want to give false hope to anyone and she told me that it could be years before she is ready for an actual relationship.

 

So, here is my question and on which parts I want your honest opinions (others are fine too):

* Should I continue this way, giving her time to adjust and if she wants more or less I will respect her decision

* How would you feel if you were in this situation, knowing my full reasoning. So far she is fine with cuddling and admitted that she likes it

* Should I ever make advances myself to make the next step or should I let her decide and ask for more if she ever feels like it

* Should I trust her when she says she is fine with me starting a relationship with someone else and us just reverting to friends... I have the feeling that she would be hurt but wouldn't show it, even if she starts having emotions towards me she would probably tell me to grab the opportunity.

* If we start a relationship and after some time take the next step and include sex, how do asexuals actually feel about it? People can be overwhelmed by pleasure and start hating themselves for feeling that (stumbled across a topic discussing this), I dont want her to ever feel that way so are there any advices or things I can tell her to prevent that or turn it into a good thing?

* If you think I am making a mistake with anything mentioned so far please do point it out, even if its just bad reasoning. This is my first time meeting an asexual, one which I deeply care for and love at that

[Lipbalm]

Honestly, if she does not want a relationship, don't try or ask her. Looks like you've been waiting a long time, so do you think it might be better if you looked for someone who is willing to get into a relationship?

You need to let go of this one my friend, and it might be hard, but you need to move on.

[Rei-Hito]

1. It seems for the most part from the way you talk about it you are both good for eachother's mental well being so I would simply say just keep doing what you have been doing. Be there for one another as you are right now as friends.

3.  Do not make advances as that would put pressure on her; She should be the one to decide.

4. If she says that you should take her at her word.  You can still  be there for her as a friend and emotional support. There are plenty of us who go into relationships who are actively repulsed by sex that decide that, if necessary, their partner can find someone to be sexual with. 

5.There are a few different ways we feel about sex because there are different variants of asexuality. There are those who are actively repulsed by sex, they will get emotionally disturbed by sex. Some end up becoming agitated while others end up depersonalizing. There are those who simply don't feel anything at all, it is just a foreign concept that we know we will never feel an inclination towards. And then there are those who are demi-sexual who might feel sexually towards only one particular person and, even then, that sexual attraction may take time to develop. The thing is that...honestly there isn't really much you can say to change a person's sexuality or make having sex seem like a good thing if you are repulsed, it just happens. Honestly just be there; simplest way I can say. 

 

[Duke Memphis]

I think that you two have raw love between you.

 

The answers here are tricky, because everyone's different. Even if she doesn't want those kinds of relationships with you, the kind of friendship you have with her is something everyone should have. Trust her words. She sounds like she doesn't want to break your heart, so go ahead and pursue a relationship with someone else.

 

I've been in a similar situation. Long story short, I fell in love with someone I couldn't be with. I told her that she shouldn't wait for me, because I may never be there. Now she's in a relationship with someone who's perfect for her, and it makes me happy knowing she's happy.

[QuinDecim]

Ty for the replies so far

@Lipbalm I haven't been waiting for her, we got into contact again just under a month ago after a year during which ive been in a relationship (which turned out to be another girl just seeking attention and pleasure for a while)

@Duke Memphis yea im aware that she doesnt want to break my heart, thats one of the things I respect about her. I will give this some time to unfold and will ask her about her feelings later, if she wants to try or not. Then I will move on most likely if her answer is no while remaining friends with her (I owe her that much at least)

@Rei Kara Stroud I will take it slow with her, giving her time before I ask her again about the relationship. I really dont feel ok cheating on someone, even if she allows it because I know how I would feel about it and dont want her to go through anything similar. I guess about the last point you made, time and honesty will tell. We will have to see when that time comes what to do while being open to each-other

[The Ficus]

-'Adjusting' might be a poor choice of words. Everyone is different but someone who has identified themselves as being on the spectrum and not really interested in a romantic relationship may or may not be likely to ever become comfortable with the idea. It would be the same idea as waiting for a friend who was gay to 'adjust' to the idea of a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I'd be inclined to say that respecting her decision would mean accepting that there isn't going to be more rather than trying to wait her out. Not just for her sake but your own as well seeing as from what you've said, she also wants to see you in a happy, mutual relationship and doesn't want to feel she's trapped you in a 'holding pattern'. That isn't to say you should stop being how you are with each other. I'd just advise against coming into it with any expectations that things will settle and then change. 

 

-It really is hard to judge because the ace spectrum is pretty broad. What I or anyone else feels may be completely different from your friend. Some may not be interested in romantic or sexual relationships at all. Others may be ok with a sexual relationship but only after emotional ties are established first and peoples views of sex in general can also vary from indifferent all the way to disgust. I fall into the panromantic group that enjoys romantic connections and even affection but is highly averse to any kind of sexual participation. I have attempted to 'compromise' before and it made me quite bitter and agitated to the point that I felt a sort of irritated dread anytime my partner was even casually affectionate. From my end cuddling is great, but the moment I sense any type of pressure or expectations of more, its no longer a comfortable situation. It's that kind of awkward anxiety that you might get from missing a stair in the dark. 

 

-Let her decide. She's made her feelings on the matter clear and so asking or making an advance could be seen as pressuring or a violation of the talks you two have had. If you're both being honest, trust her to know if her feelings on the matter do change or she wants something more. 

 

-Again, you'll have to trust her in this and also maybe realize that it isn't really unusual for even friends to feel a bit uneasy or even jealous when someone they are close to starts spending time with someone else. Even when they don't have romantic inclinations toward that person. There are thousands of articles online about balancing your love life with your friends and what to do when your best friend starts spending more time with their significant other than yourself. It's possible she might feel that way if your life is suddenly occupied by another person, especially if you two spend a lot of time together. That doesn't necessarily mean she wouldn't want that for you and if she's said as much, again, you'll have to be honest with her and yourself about the matter. Some of that will mean asking tough questions: Are you just worried she'll be hurt or are you holding out hope that things between you will change and therefore feel reluctant to be involved with someone else? Would you be hurt if she wasn't hurt by you having a romantic relationship with someone else?

 

-As for sex, per above, everyone is different on the spectrum and that is on top of people in general being different. We're a pretty varied bunch and one ace won't be like another so its something of a 'cross that bridge if you come to it' and make sure you're communicating if she ever decides that is something she wants while also being aware that day very well may never come. While its true that sometimes it takes people time to identify where they fall on the spectrum and what they are or are not comfortable with, you shouldn't expect that someones mind will change. As Rei said, you can't change people and if someone is genuinely repulsed by the idea of sex, that is a part of them you'll have to accept. Doing otherwise isn't healthy for either party. 

[QuinDecim]

@The Ficus Thank you for the detailed reply and those are some good questions and points. Yea adjust may be a bad choice of words, but its more in a way to give her time to decide if something is ok or not. For example the cuddling thing, I didnt just jump into it, It started slowly and I kept asking her how she feels about it. Obv if she doesnt want something I wont do it. I have no expectations of this working, sure... I would love for us to be together but she made herself clear from the get-go and I accept that. The reason im giving her attention is not because I want to be with her, its more a gift for everything she's done so far for me. If she never wants a relationship with me, thats fine and I respect that decision... sometimes the best thing to do to make someone happy is to let go.

 

And yes, I am worried that she will be hurt even though she may not show it... she has been hurt and abandoned plenty of times already. Am I hoping that things will work out? I cant deny that I am but the other possibility doesnt scare me at all, I am ready to let go of the possibility of us being together if that will make her happier. Is that why I'm reluctant to try with someone else? I wouldn't say I am because I hope to be with her, its more that I don't want to hurt her because of it as mentioned. I will ask her first and double check the situation if someone else approaches me or I gain interest in someone else. Things wont change between us besides the "overly friendly" parts of our friendship if that happens. I do not want to put her into an awkward position where the other person is jealous of her and I really don't want to do to her what others have done, abandoning her because of a relationship. Would I be hurt if she started a relationship with someone else? Well yea of course, but I wouldn't hold it against her. Its her choice to fall in love with someone, even if that someone is not me. We talked about all of this even and decided to just be honest with each-other (yea we discussed a ton of things when we got into contact again).

 

Also, I don't think she is repulsed by the idea of sex. She is interested in having children later in her life but right now she just wants to focus on sorting her life and career out. She doesnt want a relationship right now because of that and she doesnt feel sexual attraction. This I really respect her for because she knows that she will just hurt someone if she starts a relationship when she isnt ready for it and cant commit to it. As for the lack of attraction, that just means that whoever she starts a relationship with will be because of their personality, not because of seeking attention or lust or that stuff, which imo is far more important (and can confirm personally because of all the failed relationships)

[max9701]

It sounds like there's love there, though it may be platonic. That's fine. I'd say be a close friend to her, and don't expect more. If you find that you eventually do expect more, and she hasn't made any moves, try to find someone else.

[lilgroundhog]

I'm ace and definitely close to being aro as well.  I am extremely open about any sort of romantic relationship is absolutely not in the cards for me.

 

If I was the girl in question, I would be seeing you as a close friend, with maybe the possibility of a queer platonic partner with sex never being on the table.  That being said no two people are the same and my experiences aren't transferable to anyone else.

 

I would recommend focusing your relationship with her on friendship without the expectation it will ever morph into someone traditionally romantic. Also don't let her be close to your entire social interaction.  You need friends outside of her or even your joint circle of friends.

[QuinDecim]

[Update] Gave her time to decide and we remained good friends after that. We both decided it would be best that way as she isnt yet ready for anything as she said and i didnt want to push her (as that would obviously just end badly for both of us). Just thought an update to the situation is needed

[max9701]

Thanks for the update. I think that was a wise decision for both of you.