Heteromantics: Do you ever feel "too straight" to be ace?

[djg1]

I feel reluctant to identify on the ace spectrum because I am female and attracted to males, but then remember how lack of sexual attraction has hindered my life so much - not comfortable/open to meeting guys and dating out of fear of expected intimacy and it being a deal breaker. Do any other Heteromantics actually feel 100% comfortable and confident identifying as you do? Do you feel valid? Do you sometimes think it is unnecessary to identify as Heteromantic when it is so close to Heterosexual? I would like to think that Heterosexuals and Heteromantics have enough differences in experiences to have distinction (Like I wouldn't be so reluctant in pursuing a relationship if I was Heterosexual, I would be more open to intimacy). Do you fear that all it will take is "the right person to come along" to feel sexual attraction? Not that it would be a bad thing to happen per say, I just hate the idea of identifying as something that I don't know isn't true, if that makes any sense. Do you sometimes feel like you are trying to convince yourself that you are something that you aren't? How do you handle this internal conflict? How do you personally know that you are Heteromantic and not Heterosexual? At the end of the day, I am still comfortable calling myself straight to those around me, since it is so similar to Heteromanticism in my eyes at least, but it feels good to be able to privately identify with a community of like-minded people.

[Mirari]

Hey there! I'm glad that AVEN has given you an opportunity to be comfortable with your identity in this community

As a heteroromantic myself, I do in fact feel perfectly comfortable and valid identifying as I do. After all, sexual orientation is not the same as romantic orientation; I believe straight people and straight aces do have enough differences to have a distinction because it can significantly affect their approach to romantic relationships.

 

However, there are times when I  think about whether something will happen down the line that will change everything (i.e. "the right person to come along") particularly because I have only openly identified recently and I am still pretty darn young 😂 

 

But then I remember: You know what? That's perfectly okay!

 

After all, sexuality is fluid. It can change, but that doesn't mean your current orientation is not valid. It's okay not to know yet, and it's okay not to label yourself until then. It's even okay not to label yourself at all! What matters is what feels right to you now ^^

 

 

 

 

[Biblioromantic]

I feel 100% comfortable identifying as heteromantic asexual because it is what I am. Being heteromantic doesn't change that I'm asexual, and my asexuality doesn't change my heteromanticism. They are words that describe one facet of who I am, and both parts are equally important to me. In my case, it's also necessary to add on that I'm demiromantic as well just because that's how these things work for me. All three parts of my orientation are integral to the whole.

 

As for validity, I haven't had much to do with that yet. I just self-identified in March, so I'm still pretty new to this circus and haven't come out to anyone offline. I've been toying with the idea of saying something tomorrow when I'll have a rare opportunity to see both of my siblings and my parents all in one place, something that only happens once a year or so. But within myself, I do feel a sense of validity, yes. With my recent "discovery" of asexuality, I've finally had language to describe this part of myself for the first time, and I've also found a welcoming community of aces on AVEN to interact with, which has helped me to fight off the feelings of brokenness and isolation I'd been feeling previously.

 

As to how I know I'm heteromantic and not heterosexual, it just comes down to past experience. I've never felt that need to have sex with anyone. I have experienced romantic attraction, but not sexual attraction. If one day I do feel sexual attraction for someone, I might like to explore it a bit, but it would have to be the right person in the right place at the right time. I'm not saying it's not possible, but it's not terribly probable. As to my openness in such a scenario, in some ways I'd really like for it to happen. I'd like to experience a sexual connection with someone someday, but I'm not holding my breath, and I'm not going to give that part of myself away to just anyone in order to try something just because everyone else seems to be doing it and enjoying it.

[Sally]

Asexuality is an orientation; it means you are interested in having sex with any other person.  It's to do with sex.

 

You can feel romantic without feeling sexual.  Thus whether or not you feel romantic, and if you do, who you feel romantic about, has nothing to do with asexuality.

[Cobie]

1 hour ago, Sally said:

Asexuality is an orientation; it means you are NOT interested in having sex with any other person.  It's to do with sex.

 

You can feel romantic without feeling sexual.  Thus whether or not you feel romantic, and if you do, who you feel romantic about, has nothing to do with asexuality.

@Sally I inserted the NOT into your quote, assuming it was a typo omission.  (Apart from that) yes, I totally agree. 😊

[Diamond Ace of Hearts]

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

I feel reluctant to identify on the ace spectrum because I am female and attracted to males, but then remember how lack of sexual attraction has hindered my life so much - not comfortable/open to meeting guys and dating out of fear of expected intimacy and it being a deal breaker.

Same. Well, I'm a guy and attracted to women but yeah...

 

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

Do any other Heteromantics actually feel 100% comfortable and confident identifying as you do?

Sometimes I do, but often I don't. I had a moment of clarity recently where I fully internalised, perhaps for the first time, that my doubts don't change who I am and all that weird overlap between me - a heteroromantic - and a straight person doesn't matter. I can't remember how I finally got that through my head and I still have those doubts but I know now that unless something changes, having doubt doesn't mean being wrong.

 

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

Do you feel valid?

Kinda.

 

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

Do you sometimes think it is unnecessary to identify as Heteromantic when it is so close to Heterosexual?

I don't find it necessary to tell people that I'm ace (though I would like to) because of that similarity but I always respect the difference. Just because I'm not always 100% sure what's going on with me doesn't mean that other people aren't sure what's going on with them. Other heteroromantic aces exist, therefore the identity is valid and a distinction is necessary, therefore if I think I'm a heteroromantic asexual, I can and maybe should identify that way.

 

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

Do you fear that all it will take is "the right person to come along" to feel sexual attraction?

Kinda. The problem as I live it is that even though I don't think I experience sexual attraction, the all-pervading sexualisation of society means I can easily tell that someone is sexually attractive (or rather, that they fit society's projection of attractiveness). Not only that but because of the saturation of the media with sexiness, I have internalised that projection of attractiveness. I don't feel attracted (I think) but I know on an almost visceral level, if someone is "attractive". That makes it kinda hard to reject the "right person" theory. But, having said that, I have had crushes and felt no sexual attraction and if anyone was going to be the right person it would be a crush, right?

 

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

Not that it would be a bad thing to happen per say, I just hate the idea of identifying as something that I don't know isn't true, if that makes any sense.

Makes total sense, I feel the same.

 

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

Do you sometimes feel like you are trying to convince yourself that you are something that you aren't?

Yes. A lot of the things that people say about aces ("you're just saying that because you're ugly/a virgin/afraid of intimacy") could well be true about me and as such it's hard not to fall into agreeing with statements like that. However, even though I am an ugly virgin who may or may not be afraid of intimacy, that doesn't mean I can't also be ace and I have to remember that I was displaying signs of what could be thought of as early-stage aceness well before I knew what virgin even means, well before life's relentless beat-down made me wary of people, and well before anyone cared about how I look.

 

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

How do you handle this internal conflict?

Same as I handle every conflict: badly.

 

I just try not to think about it too much. At the end of the day, I am what I am and whatever that may be, it isn't worth the energy it takes to worry about it.

 

2 hours ago, djg1 said:

How do you personally know that you are Heteromantic and not Heterosexual?

I don't. Not 100%. On the balance of probability, taking into account all the evidence, I think it likely that I am ace. Although some days I give more weight to some evidence and other days I give more weight to different evidence so my feelings on it aren't constant. The days when I'm most clear-headed and rational are the days when I'm more likely to conclude that I am ace. My feelings may waver but the most logical version of me judges it likely that I am asexual, so I believe it until the clear-headed guy changes his mind.

[Mr. Quickhands]

djg1, I'm probably around 90% heteroromantic, but I know the exact feeling you're talking about. Most of the time, when I get into that questioning mood, I either directly get a wakeup call from life that I am in fact 200% asexual... or I just put everything in perspective with the thought that I very simply would much prefer an asexual relationship over anything else.

 

These days I accept it by imagining myself to be an asexual undercover as a straight dude, out to cause as much chaos and confusion for other people as possible and sabotage heteronormativity from the inside. I don't know why, but that works. It's like convincing myself that it's okay to be individualistic by appealing to my inner sense of mayhem, I guess. I'll grow up some day, probably

[Bronztrooper]

I don't think I've ever thought of myself as 'too straight to be asexual', even when I was questioning where on the spectrum I landed.  But that doesn't mean that I haven't taken advantage of the easily missed line between heteromantic and heterosexual to avoid being outed as ace.  Especially around people who I feel wouldn't understand asexuality in the first place.

 

Main "perk" of being heteromantic in a heteronormative society.  Not that it counteracts all of the downsides of being asexual in a heteronormative society, but it makes it easier to blend in.

[artfid]

First of all, good evening.

I have felt the same when I was younger, but nowadays I have lost that idea. I guess that after learning more about both worlds I ended up discovering more about myself.

It's hard to be sure, but after some time it all gets clear.

[daveb]

On 6/7/2018 at 9:30 PM, djg1 said:

How do you personally know that you are Heteromantic and not Heterosexual?

Because I was in a sexual relationship and realized it wasn't for me (that was before I knew about asexuality and thought I just needed to love someone/be attracted to them and then I would be interested in sex. Turns out, nope.)

[Nomiverse]

Being okay with the idea of having sex with someone I'm romantically attracted to can sometimes make me feel like I'm too straight, since I would want the person I fall in love with to be happy. I don't favour it, nor do I feel repulsed like most aces which in turn did make me feel slightly out of place. Plus like someone said, it's easy to cover up your asexuality when you strongly feel romantic attraction.

[Magnolia blossom]

On 6/8/2018 at 12:30 AM, djg1 said:

Do any other Heteromantics actually feel 100% comfortable and confident identifying as you do? Do you feel valid? Do you sometimes think it is unnecessary to identify as Heteromantic when it is so close to Heterosexual?

Yeah, I totally feel 100% confident identifying as an asexual hetero-romantic! It took me a year or so after first stumbling upon all these terms and beginning to question myself, but I finally feel comfortable about it. My desire for a sexual relationship (or rather, lack thereof) and my desire for a romantic relationship are entirely different and separate. Which is why it has been very useful this past year to start openly identifying as asexual. 

 

Mostly it helps dispel people's hetero-normative assumptions that just because I seem to like guys (which I do-- but only romantically, aesthetically, and/or sensually) that I also crave sexual relationships with them. And that I'll behave in the ways other people do, or say the things they say based on sexual attraction.

 

It gets exhausting, this sex-oriented culture. And I love being able to quickly and easily let people know I don't experience it or engage with it in the way they do/expect. 

 

On 6/8/2018 at 12:30 AM, djg1 said:

Do you fear that all it will take is "the right person to come along" to feel sexual attraction? Not that it would be a bad thing to happen per say, I just hate the idea of identifying as something that I don't know isn't true, if that makes any sense. Do you sometimes feel like you are trying to convince yourself that you are something that you aren't?

I don't fear it, I actually sort of hope for it, but that's another thing. I only need to worry about labeling what I have been and am now. The future can be as different as it likes and if my current label no longer fits, I'll adjust it to fit my identity. For me, if I ever do experience sexual attraction, I'll probably decide I am gray-asexual or demisexual (depending on what's appropriate). But I haven't yet, so I'd feel more fraudulent if I claimed to be gray-asexual now because asexual is what best describes my experiences up-to-date.

 

Honestly, I feel more like I had to admit to myself that I was asexual. Before, I was mistaken about what being straight commonly meant and was convinced I fit the definition. Plus, I didn't want to be so different from what was considered a "fundamental part of the human experience." But I have more accurate terms now and they've been helping me be more authentically myself and be understood by others for who I really am.

[Kayze]

LGBTQ (and Ace) is about people with a seemingly abnormal identity/sexuality from mainstream and face oppression from it. Your sexuality is asexual or within the asexuality spectrum. You're not undeserving of being an Ace just cause you like the opposite sex. It's to a less degree similar to bisexual or pansexual people being questioned about belonging to the LGBTQ since they can "choose" to be "normal" by mainstream standards.

Anyone that thinks you don't deserve to be Ace really need to stop thinking so small/simple minded on this stuff and realize the irony of what they're doing.

[AndrewL]

 

 

 

On 6/8/2018 at 5:30 AM, djg1 said:

I feel reluctant to identify on the ace spectrum because I am female and attracted to males, but then remember how lack of sexual attraction has hindered my life so much - not comfortable/open to meeting guys and dating out of fear of expected intimacy and it being a deal breaker. Do any other Heteromantics actually feel 100% comfortable and confident identifying as you do? Do you feel valid? Do you sometimes think it is unnecessary to identify as Heteromantic when it is so close to Heterosexual? I would like to think that Heterosexuals and Heteromantics have enough differences in experiences to have distinction (Like I wouldn't be so reluctant in pursuing a relationship if I was Heterosexual, I would be more open to intimacy). Do you fear that all it will take is "the right person to come along" to feel sexual attraction? Not that it would be a bad thing to happen per say, I just hate the idea of identifying as something that I don't know isn't true, if that makes any sense. Do you sometimes feel like you are trying to convince yourself that you are something that you aren't? How do you handle this internal conflict? How do you personally know that you are Heteromantic and not Heterosexual? At the end of the day, I am still comfortable calling myself straight to those around me, since it is so similar to Heteromanticism in my eyes at least, but it feels good to be able to privately identify with a community of like-minded people.

so a couple of things, i do feel like its important for me to identify as as hertoromantic because even if it is going be more difficult to find anyone to date, i do in fact still want to find someone to date (and not have sex in that relationship) and i wouldn't want to enter a relationship under any false pretences because thats how everyone get hurt.

 

as for the right person maybe one day you will meet the right guy and want to have sexual relationship with that guy, and if that is tomorrow or if that is 5 years from now, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with identifying as asexual for now, if that changes then it changes, what can you do.

 

do i feel like i am trying to convince myself i am something that I'm not? yes, a lot of the time, but i don't think that me doubting myself will chance the face I'm not sexually attracted to anyone that i think i have ever loved. but from what i understand from talking to friends (gay and bi friends) that they also doubt wether they are lying to themselves even 10/20 years after realising that they are not hetrosexual. also if you figure out how to handle the conflict then please let us know, you will be the most famous ace on AVEN.

 

for me personally i know I'm asexual because i was married for two years before i figured out that i was ace, and my lack of sexual attraction to her was on of the main reasons for the break up, although i can't recommend a two year failed marriage as a test, there has got to be a WAY better way of figuring that out.

 

On 6/10/2018 at 3:44 AM, daveb said:

Because I was in a sexual relationship and realized it wasn't for me (that was before I knew about asexuality and thought I just needed to love someone/be attracted to them and then I would be interested in sex. Turns out, nope.)

yeah, like i said, i was also in a sexual relationship, and also turns out wasn't for me, but i am glad to know it wasn't just me that got messed up in the whole sex thing before figuring it out that i was asexual.

 

it does kind of worry me about telling people though, that i am asexual. that they wont even slightly believe that i am asexual because i was married. i guess we will burn that bridge when we come to it!

[Éadweard]

On 6/8/2018 at 2:38 AM, Sally said:

Asexuality is an orientation; it means you are interested in having sex with any other person.  It's to do with sex.

 

You can feel romantic without feeling sexual.  Thus whether or not you feel romantic, and if you do, who you feel romantic about, has nothing to do with asexuality.

No. Orientations have nothing to do with behavior. They have to do with feelings. Having or not having sex is a behavior. Not wanting to have sex does not automatically make someone asexual. 

[SilentRose]

I kind of understand this. In my heart I feel queer because I don't experience strong romantic attraction and when it comes to dating I would date men or women equally I'm fairly certain, because to me dating is more of a strong friendship. But at the same time I've only dated men and experience strong aesthetic attraction to men only, so calling myself queer feels fake.

[ingeniouscanoe]

On 6/7/2018 at 9:30 PM, djg1 said:

 Do you feel valid? Do you sometimes think it is unnecessary to identify as Heteromantic when it is so close to Heterosexual? 

 

On 6/8/2018 at 1:13 AM, (1/137)ce said:

djg1, I'm probably around 90% heteroromantic, but I know the exact feeling you're talking about. Most of the time, when I get into that questioning mood, I either directly get a wakeup call from life that I am in fact 200% asexual... or I just put everything in perspective with the thought that I very simply would much prefer an asexual relationship over anything else.

 

These days I accept it by imagining myself to be an asexual undercover as a straight dude, out to cause as much chaos and confusion for other people as possible and sabotage heteronormativity from the inside. I don't know why, but that works. It's like convincing myself that it's okay to be individualistic by appealing to my inner sense of mayhem, I guess. I'll grow up some day, probably

 

I do feel valid, although that might have to do with the fact that I accepted my identity very recently (and therefore have had very few people question it) and that most of the people I told, I told after establishing a relationship of trust. I only came out after I had a feeling they would roll with it. There are people who I haven't come out to because I'm not sure of their reaction; and being able to talk about previous crushes is easy because it doesn't cast suspicion.

 

I think there is a tremendous value in being able to identify as Heteromantic and Asexual. Our perceptions of love and attraction puts the idea of intimacy in a bunch of new kinds of light. There are people close to me who are queer in other aspects, and they can't be fully out because it's not safe for them. By being able to talk openly about my Asexuality and how it affected my experience, despite the fact that I'm still Heteromantic, they felt comfortable telling me. We're able to weave a support group that otherwise might not have existed. And hopefully, in the future, being able to talk about my sexuality will open doors that will make it possible for them to come out as well.

 

Not only that, if I do ever come across a young Ace who hasn't figured it out that, maybe I get the privilege of introducing them to this welcoming and inclusive community!

 

I also love that idea of tearing down "heteronormativity from the inside." All the power to you!

[Philip027]

On 6/8/2018 at 12:30 AM, djg1 said:

Do you sometimes think it is unnecessary to identify as Heteromantic when it is so close to Heterosexual?

Actually the opposite.  I feel it's an ever more part of my identity, because it is crucial to note that even though it isn't going to be in a sexual way, I can still like and love other people.  I actually deem my romantic orientation more important to me than the sexual one, because it has had more "say" in how I interact with others.

 

For some reason, a lot of people will interpret a lack of drive (or outright unwillingness) to have sex with them as a sign that you're not actually into them.  Maybe that's true a lot of the time, but it isn't universal.

 

On a related note, if someone interprets me as being straight, I'll usually allow it.  To me, being straight just means you prefer the opposite sex for partnerships (of any kind, sexual or not).  On the other hand, if someone interprets me as being heterosexual, I will correct them, because that part is definitely inaccurate.

[EggplantWitch]

The gulf between being heteroromantic and being heterosexual is enormous, at least from where I'm sitting. I think it's a gap that non-aces don't really understand, but it's there alright. Being asexual - and therefore heteroromantic and not heterosexual - affects my life a lot. I call myself queer regularly now, and exclusionists telling me I shouldn't just make me put up both middle fingers and do it even more (that's also partially because it lets me continue to figure out what's going on with my gender without having to nail anything down, though).

 

I think with time comes acceptance. Of course I still have days where I feel awful, upset and lonely because I'm ace, but as the years go by there are fewer and fewer of those kinds of days. If you prefer to call yourself straight with people you're not close to, then of course you should continue! Your reasoning makes perfect sense to me. For a while I called myself a 'straight ace' too, as it's a little easier for those who aren't familiar with split attraction to get their heads round.

[RenalWaldo]

Yeah.  The whole split attraction discrepancy is a large part of why it took me so long to figure out I was ace.    It took me a lot of soul searching before I was finally able to  wrap my brain around it. In the end, though, it was the only thing that could make sense of my mixed feelings about relationships.