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"Thorsty" Asexuals Who Sometimes Love Sex and Wanna Be Wanted


scarletlatitude

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scarletlatitude

https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/05/30/26828788/thorsty-asexuals-who-sometimes-love-sex-and-wanna-be-wanted

 

The Stranger

30 May 2018

 

The question part for the advice column... see link for their answer. 

 

Quote

I'm 25 and a woman in an open relationship with a man that I love and have been dating for nearly three years. I finally started recognizing my own feelings of asexuality a month or so ago, and have been trying to reconcile myself with that fact since then. Sometimes, I do feel very "thorsty" and want to have sex, and sometimes I do find other people sexually attractive, but these moments are very rare, and usually having sex sets me back on the asexual path for another few weeks/months. (Of note: I mostly feel horny during times in my life where I'm very romantically attracted to someone or during times of higher adrenaline.) I enjoy dressing attractively and I enjoy feeling like other people find me attractive, but I never really want to have sex with someone other than my partner—and most of the time, I don't want to have sex with him. I enjoy dating and making out, and I enjoy receiving oral sex from women (and my partner), and some of my strongest orgasms have come from the mouth and hands of women, but I don't enjoy masturbation and I don't enjoy reciprocating and the sight of genitals kind of turns me off. It makes me feel like I'm being selfish because I don't want to have to feel obligated to "return the favor" with female partners, but I also don't want to seem ungrateful.

 

Do you have any advice about reconciling these feeling of wanting to be attractive to others, wanting to receive sex sometimes, but not really ever wanting to reciprocate, and identifying as asexual?

 

The Sexy Asexual

 

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Yeah, doesn't sound ace to me. Sorry.

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Alejandrogynous

What... even...

 

27 minutes ago, scarletlatitude said:

usually having sex sets me back on the asexual path for another few weeks/months

What does she think having sex does to 'normal' sexuals? Makes them even more horny so they eventually never stop fucking and die?

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Grumpy Alien
40 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

What... even...

 

What does she think having sex does to 'normal' sexuals? Makes them even more horny so they eventually never stop fucking and die?

😂 

 

mean-girls-sex-ed.gif

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....so she's a sexual person who enjoys receiving stimulation but doesn't like reciprocating because ''eeeew genitals''. The only difference between her and most other sexuals who don't like reciprocating is that they still return the favour because sex is give and take. Though you do get sexual people like me who love to give oral but hate receiving it. If she had a partner like me she'd experience literally no issues with regards to her sexual preferences.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

Could be somewhere between demi or graysexuality but certainly not ace.

 

 ("The sexy asexual") Seriously? Sounds like a bloody joke to me. Sorry guys. 

 

 

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I'll be completely honest here, I clicked on this post to figure out what the heck "thorsty" meant. And, after reading all of this a few times, I don't feel any closer to accomplishing that goal. Guess I'm just going to have to settle for ignorance on this one 🤷‍♀️.

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Blissful_Sins
3 hours ago, iam135 said:

I'll be completely honest here, I clicked on this post to figure out what the heck "thorsty" meant.

Thorsty, thirsty i think lol

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I thought it was "thirsty for Thor" :D

And no... I'm not even thirsty for Chris Hemsworth :lol:

Anybody Thorsty here?

 

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5 hours ago, InariYana said:

I thought it was "thirsty for Thor" :D

And no... I'm not even thirsty for Chris Hemsworth :lol:

Anybody Thorsty here?

 

I'm thirsty for Loki,  does that count? :P

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7 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think it's meant to combine 'thirsty' and 'horny'... 

Honestly, it's not even on urban dictionary... 

 

But, erm. Yeah. Uh. People can not want sex for a few weeks or even months without being asexual... so I'm confused. She sounds even more into sexual stuff than I am and I'm not ace? 

 

 

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He, at first, rejected asexuality completely... so he's not always right and sometimes he needs some education on things. But, I do have to agree with him and Brotto in that the use of the label in this case is confusing rather than helpful in communicating something about the person. 

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

I worry about suggesting people need to be 'educated' in this kind of context. It sounds like what happened in communist eastern Europe.

He rejected it outright due to complete ignorance of what it even was - he basically looked at AVEN forums, took a tiny snapshot (largely, that aces are people who aren't into sex but lie to people to get them into relationships, then manipulate them into believing they're wrong to want it). Once he actually looked into it, he accepted it. So, yes, he needed educated. 😛 

 

If you are going to reject something, you have to at least look into something first. Else, you're going off pure prejudice based on probably a very small limited negative experience. Yeah, people can be ignorant if they wanna, but if you are willfully ignorant and hate something because of it, I have no issue saying you need to gain education on the topic. 

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12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I agree. It's just the phrase has sinister connotations from 're-education' in totalitarian regimes.

Fair enough. 

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Alejandrogynous

I don't always care for Dan Savage, but here he has my applause. Also nice to see Brotto in agreement, since she mostly seems to be mentioned on AVEN to back the opposite perspective. Funny, no? 

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24 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'd be interested to see @Pramana's take...

I thought your other post was started by them, until I read closer. :P 

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's insufficiently peer reviewed for Pramana. 

I was referring to the misleading click-bait title and the incomplete out of context quote that changes the meaning somewhat. :P 

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I hope this isn’t where future visibility comes from, this isn’t what asexuality is it’s just going to spread misinformation

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smallnsparky
22 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

....so she's a sexual person who enjoys receiving stimulation but doesn't like reciprocating because ''eeeew genitals''. The only difference between her and most other sexuals who don't like reciprocating is that they still return the favour because sex is give and take. Though you do get sexual people like me who love to give oral but hate receiving it. If she had a partner like me she'd experience literally no issues with regards to her sexual preferences.

Hah!! This reminds me of a conversations I had back in college. I was in theatre, so various shades of sexual preference abound! We were teasing one straight guy about 'you just looove the pusseh' because he was one of those who'd be super masculine and super straight. And he was all 'well...yeah! I do love it but...' then it went down a rabbit hole (no pun intended) of how yes, he was okay with giving and receiving but he wasn't a huge fan of how sex contraptions look and the other gathered allos mostly mutually agreed that they weren't highly attracted to genitalia, but that wasn't really the *point* for them, of being with their various partners at the time. I was just there like lololol drinking a soda. 

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18 hours ago, Blissful_Sins said:

Thorsty, thirsty i think lol

I thought this at first too but I found it weird that the asker put it in quotes.

 

17 hours ago, InariYana said:

I thought it was "thirsty for Thor" :D

And no... I'm not even thirsty for Chris Hemsworth :lol:

Anybody Thorsty here?

I can't say I am, but I'm realizing I know I large number of people who probably are and it's downright startling 😅.

 

18 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think it's meant to combine 'thirsty' and 'horny'... 

Huh. It's discount innuendo Shakespeare.

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21 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah, that was why I thought it was worth mentioning; one of the 'gurus' of asexuality challenging the party line.

 

I'd be interested to see @Pramana's take...

 

20 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's insufficiently peer reviewed for Pramana. 

Peer review! Beyond that, little surprise here, all of the main groups of behavioural psychologists publishing regularly on asexuality define "sexual attraction" as the psychological core of sexual orientation. Brotto and colleagues favour the Asexuality Identification Scale over self-identification. In a 2015 paper, Ellen Van Houdenhove and colleagues consider behaviour, attraction, and self-identification, but place the greatest weight on lack of sexual attraction. I spoke to Anthony Bogaert last fall about situations where asexuals might actively desire partnered sex, but that doesn't apply in this instance, since the author of the letter reports experiencing sexual attraction that motivates sexual interaction.

However, the reason AVEN has the self-identification rule is to 
promote an inclusive community through limiting identity policing and gatekeeping. I'd also say there is probably a percentage of people who have the capacity to experience sexual attraction, but who lack interest in sex for one or another reason, and who self-identify as asexual.

By the way, I'm reminded of a meme that I found on 4chan's asexuality general discord server regarding the use of anime avatars (unfortunately, it's too edgy for AVEN).

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My reaction: 

What.... the heck?

 

On 6/7/2018 at 11:47 PM, Deus Ex Infinity said:

Could be somewhere between demi or graysexuality but certainly not ace.

 

 ("The sexy asexual") Seriously? Sounds like a bloody joke to me. Sorry guys. 

That’s what I'm thinking.... you can’t be sexually attracted to people sometimes and be asexual. I was like, grey, okay. Demi, maybe. I don’t even know. Not asexual though.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
1 hour ago, Hazel_Elise said:

My reaction: 

What.... the heck?

 

That’s what I'm thinking.... you can’t be sexually attracted to people sometimes and be asexual. I was like, grey, okay. Demi, maybe. I don’t even know. Not asexual though.

*hand shake* :)

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As easy as it is to laugh at this, I think it kind of shows that sexual (gonna try to start using allosexual) people need to have a conversation about the variety of experiences they have. People seem to think it has to be a stereotypical experience or it's not legit. I don't blame her for thinking something is 'off' and turning to asexuality for an answer.

 

I want to stress this now- NOT ALL allosexual people like penetrative sex. I do think this is a mistake that happens in the gay community (some people think all gay men want anal, ,is the best example i can give ). I think it is probably more of an assumption for heterosexual sex that people must want  part a in part b. (I said heterosexual sex, because it kind of sounds like she swings both ways and is bisexual).

 

I'm not here to police labels, but  I think that some people stress the 'not wanting THE act of sex ' more than the'sexual attraction' part of being asexual . Also people assume that the only sex there is, is   if a ding dong is wiggling its way around , lol.

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I seriously think she's just not that into the weenie and is okay with only having sex occasionally.

 

I mean she does say:   and some of my strongest orgasms have come from the mouth and hands of women << So it seems like her partner is the exception to the rule.

 

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Janus the Fox

Even though I have sex, I've never wanted it like this article suggests.  Nor having it means wanting more, plus sex kills off the libido for ages later, though do so for the benefit of romantic compromise for the SO.  Often needing extended rest due to sex' heavy sensory overstimulation.

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