Share your asexual coming out story

[atticus_the_porg]

Hi. So I am currently taking a women's and gender studies course online. The paper I'm working on is about what it was like to grow up asexual in a hypersexualized world. I'd love to include some perspectives other than just my own. So I'd like anyone who is interested, no pressure of course, to share the circumstances of how they discovered asexuality and how it made them feel. 

 

Thanks in advance.

[Aroace_bookworm]

So, when I was 12, i started to realize that I was the only one of my friends who had never felt romantic attraction (aka had a 'crush'). I had just started junior high, and I thought 'Well, you'll find the right person soon!" and forgot about it for the next couple years. This past december, I realized that my friends were starting to feel sexual attraction, and I still hadn't felt anything romantic or sexual. I did some research, and now currently identify as aro/ace. I'm not 100% certain, but I know that i'm somewhere on the spectrum...

[Guest]

Hey. I realized when I was still a child that I wasn't straight. I didn't know the word "asexual" at the time, but looking back, things make a lot more sense now than they did back then. I wasn't just a "late bloomer", and it wasn't just because I was very shy. I've never experienced much sexual attraction, even after puberty hit. 

 

Sadly, I didn't grow up in an open-minded, accepting household, so I couldn't talk to my parents about how I was feeling. And I was much too scared to mention this to anyone else, for I was afraid of getting bullied even more than I already was. I was also fearful of getting kicked out of my parents' house. Plus, my former church wasn't cool with whole LGBT+ community...  

 

I tried dating in my tweens, but I just wasn't that interested. I didn't date much as a teen. Being a Christian for a time then really clashed with the hypersexualized world that was around me. I felt very confused and alone on the inside. 

 

It took me until my twenties before I finally figured out my sexual orientation. I discovered the word "asexual", and it felt like it really fit me to a 'T'. Especially when I learnt that there was an asexual spectrum. It felt like I had just found a big piece of the puzzle that is my life. I was so happy.  

[EngineeRaven]

Well, for a long time, I thought I was straight, since I never had the urge to have sex with girls. Then slowly, around the age of 19 I realized I didn't really want to have sex with guys either. That' the short version, at least.

[Tindriel]

I just found out what I am like two years ago. And I'm 41!!

 

I have had a few relationships in my life, and sexual partners, but the thing was that I didn't really wanted, if I was being honest with myself. I was just doing what it was expected from me. There's a Spanish joke about a couple having sex and the woman thinking "I'll paint the ceiling blue" as she's on it, and I always thought it wasn't funny, it was me! But didn't know it was a thing, I just kept on thinking that maybe, if i found the right person... And then, a few years ago I broke up with my last boyfirend and realized I was relieved, and that I didn't want the sex part of it, and started talking to friends, whom at first didn't understand what I was talking about. And then, one of them talked to me about me being asexual and everything clicked. I haven't come out to my family as such, but I'm confident enough now to let my parents and my brother know that I don't want, nor need, a relationship. I'm pretty sure they don't know what asexuality is, but they are begining to understand what I'm about...

[th-emptyhearse]

It was always alienating at school to have never had a crush, or felt attraction. I didn't think much of it when I was younger, but it was definitely something that made set me apart. If friends thought someone was hot I wouldn't get it, and when we played truth or dare and the question was something like 'who do you have a crush on', my answer would be something like, 'no one, I've never had a crush on anyone', but people wouldn't believe me, which was frustrating. I think I was around 14 when I found out about asexuality. I can't remember precisely when, but it definitely opened a door of thought for me. I think it was around the time that I had recently forced myself into fabricating a crush on a boy (because i heard he liked me, and I guess my younger self saw this as an opportunity to get in with the normality of having crushes on boys), and 'dated' him. I do fell regretful about that stage of my life a lot, because really I did not have a crush on him at all, never wanted to touch him or anything (like seriously, the idea practically repulsed me, and I knew if touching ever came onto the table I would not be on board with it), but I really had no idea who I was at the time, and because of, y'know, society's fun compulsory heterosexuality and heteronormativity, I was just trying to do the normal teenager thing, whilst having no actual desire behind it. It was bad of me to do that to him, but it did help me think about myself, and realise that I had felt NO ATTRACTION AT ALL. So, around this time I was also having a bit of an emo phase, which led me to tumblr, where I think I discovered 'asexuality'. It took me a lot of thinking to come to grips with this label (in the limbo of questioning I posted a pic in the LGBT Phandom meetup on tumblr, captioning it with something like 'maybe I'm just a plant', haha). I think by the time I was 15 I was comfortable with the label 'asexual', but still with moments of self doubt. With society being all relationships, crushes, attraction, sex, 'hotness' all the time, it makes you feel unstable in the fact that you are asexual, and I probably went through a lot more self-doubt than I needed to (and still have little bouts of doubt about my identity, years later at 17, still struggling with society's compulsory sexuality a bit, thinking 'what if I change someday', which I highly doubt I will). So, by 15 I was pretty steady in my identity as asexual, and comfortable with the label. My coming out story is a little bit blurry, but I think I came out to one of my friends (who ID'd as pansexual, the complete opposite of me, but we got on like a house on fire) first. She was interested and accepting, but also inquisitive. I don't think she'd ever known anyone asexual before that point so she was curious about my identity. It was okay, I felt comfortable with her and knew she wasn't being invalidating, just curious. I can't completely remember the questions she asked on our walk home, or how I decided to come out in the first place, but I do remember the question that every ace person seems to get asked at some point when they come out: 'Do you masturbate?' 

It befuddles me that, while this is rarely ever an appropriate question to ask, suddenly when you come out as ace its completely fine and nOt UnCoMfOrTaBlE aT aLl. Nevertheless, I answered no, but wanting to educate more about asexuality explained how it was completely fine and valid if other asexuals did. 

I think I also came out to another close friend that year, who was fine with it as well. We have often joked about her straight-ness and how she knows things that I don't with my ace-ness and her dreaming about boys and having crushes and attraction etc while I have no idea how she feels that. There's no hard feelings there. She's fine with it, which is great.

I also would have been randomly out to various people on the internet, notably in the Sherlock fandom, as it was such a great feeling when I found another ace person and could be like 'Hey! I'm ace too! This is so great! Look everyone there are multiple of us, we do exist!'. 

I became very caught up in the Sherlock/Johnlock fandom in my 15th year, and got very involved in the fandom, with excitement bubbling for season 4, and plenty of theorizing and TJLC. I invested so much thought and passion into Sherlock, Johnlock and TJLC, and the fandom was wonderful. It was very passionate, and accepting, and a great place to find other members of the LGBTQA+ community. 

Why is Sherlock relevant to my story? You may ask. Well, it was sort of how I came out to my Mum. My coming out to my mother was rather spontaneous, and fueled by an emotional reaction (anger and disappointment, most notably), to Sherlock s4 e3. Johnlock wasn't canon, and I was very angry with this fact. It would have been great, widespread and thoughtful representation to the LGBTQA+ community, and I was so convinced it was going to happen. And then it didn't. I was angry. I felt very let down, and to explain this to my Mum, I had to explain Johnlock and shipping. Such fun.

It took her a while to grasp shipping (seriously, that was a difficult explanation), and, in the whirlwind of talking to her about Johnlock and releasing my thought and feelings about that, I just got on a rant about representation. And then I thought maybe I should explain why I was so caught up about representation (or my Mum was wondering why, and wondering what I was, I can't quite remember). Anyway, important thing was, I whipped out the book I had drawn flags and definitions from across the LGBTQA+ spectrum, and I made her guess which I identified as. That's right, I made her guess. (What the hell was I thinking?! What kind of coming out is that?! I was probably just nervous about telling her, I shouldn't blame young me too much). 

She was quite confused about some of the identities, so I had to do a lot of explaining (oh boy was pansexual a fun one), and it took her a long while to get to asexual. Eventually we got there though, and I explained that that's what I was, and what it meant. 

We ended up having a long emotional discussion, that I only remember some details of, such as: She had a lot of gay friends at uni, so she's fine with queer identities, she was confused, but accepting, she tried to make me feel better by saying that a family friend of ours (a little older than me) had recently come out as bisexual to her parents and they were fine with it (I guess she was trying to make me feel like I wasn't the only one in this boat), my family had suspected I was not straight for a while apparently. I don't know, but it was probably the most raw discussion I've ever had so, much fun haha. She asked if I wanted her to tell my Dad, and I said yes, and I think a few weeks later or something, I don't know, my Dad came into my room and did the whole 'love you no matter what' thing, which was weird, but good to know he was fine with my ace-ness. 

My romantic orientation is still limbo to this day, so I didn't have that coming out (apart from the fact that I was still questioning it). Although, I think the guts of my coming out to my parents was that they are okay with anything, which I know is a very fortunate situation for me to be in. 

I didn't feel it necessary to come out to my extended family, no need to make some big announcement (I've often thought coming out asexual feels like a bit of a non-event, like 'hey, I'm not attracted to anyone.). I just come out as it comes up now, like in our GSA at school (where asexuality is well accepted, and discussed, which is lovely and validating), when we debate opinions people out there may have such as 'bisexuals and asexuals don't exist' and my argument is essentially well I know they do because I am one, if they don't, guess I'll dissipate into a pile of dust then. Or when a guy in my media class asks why I'm writing an article on asexuality, 'do you know any', and my reply is 'yeah me.' 

Also, quite importantly, at some point in all this I found AVEN, which helped me feel more stable in my identity, and part of a great community.

I'm very comfortable with my sexuality now, but I do still notice things in society that alienate asexuals. (Literally, as I've been writing this, the word 'asexuals' has been getting a red line under it *facepalms*). The one that annoys me to no end is blanket statements where people say things like 'the one thing all humans have in common is wanting sex'. GAAAAAAHHHHH no they don't! Or when people do the whole 'when you grow up and get a boyfriend or get married' thing. Not everybody wants that, Karen. Our society just seems fixated on sex and attraction and relationships. which usually doesn't annoy me too much anymore, but occasionally little things get to me, and I'm just so angry at the alienation of asexual (and aromantic) people. 

 

So yeah, in summary I feel the assumption that everyone wants sex and relationships and experiences attraction, is really freaking annoying and needs to be stopped. And we need to continue talking about asexuality so more people can understand it, and maybe understand themselves better too, or others. And yeah, I came out to my mum because I was angry about the lack of queer representation in Sherlock. 

 

I hope my story isn't too tedious and actually helps, I would love to read your paper!

 

(Another thing I haven't mentioned is excluding asexual and aromantic people from the LGBTQ+ community, when its not like we fit the heterosexual community either, but we can get onto that another time.)

 

 

[Lucky (matagot)]

I never really liked anyone or had crushes during middle-school. Since everyone else seemed to have someone they loved and some even had a partner, i would often pretend to have a crush on whoever i think was kinda cute at the moment. I didn't feel a thing but back then most of my friends thought that you have to like and/or desire someone once you start growing up

 

I pretended for a long time, changing fake crushes frequently so that people wouldn't suspect a thing. But deep down, i felt like i didn't wanted nor needed a significant other

 

Most of my acquaintances in middle-school/high-school actually turned out to be LGBT+ people so i was fine with questioning my sexuality, though i used to have no idea what i might be. For the longest time (more than 5 years), i thought i was bisexual or simply repressing homosexuality because i found both men and women handsome, cute or even sexy

 

During high-school, i had a puppy crush and i finally started thinking about my own sexuality (i never really questionned myself before that point). I was confused and i asked myself so many questions until i realized that i was sex-repulsed and not interested in sex even with a person i liked

 

Because i wasn't sure of what my sexual orientation was or if i even had one, i did research about LGBT+ sexualities and asexuality struck a chord with me. I was still a bit unsure of calling myself asexual because i do have a libido despite being sex-repulsed. But the ace-spectrum is so wide and various that over time i felt like i belonged and that i had finally found myself

 

[wayward_zombie]

ah i think i was like 16? basically i was friends with this girl and i think at one point it started heading to something deeper(?) ( i realized that too late tho cause im just stupid and my gay awakening hadnt started yet) till one day all of a sudden i found out what sexual attraction actually meant and that any other time it just just a crush, and tbh it was pretty intense too like what is happening??? all these sexual feelings toward someone??? my my. hah. Anyway yeah that's how I've come to the realization I mightve been demi 

[IcyZorua]

I used to wonder why I never felt the same way as the other kids about dating, but I didn't have a word for it. In seventh grade, I had a brief period of questioning: "I'm not really that interested in guys. Maybe I'm a lesbian? No, I don't like girls that way either. Guess I must be straight." I had my first romantic crush a little while later, which was a relief to me, because I had been feeling like I was broken. 

During freshman year, I got an online account and met a guy who identified as ace, and I didn't quite understand it, so I did some research. I was hesitant to take the label at first, but the more I found out about it, the more it matched exactly what I was feeling. I still do have days where I question myself, but being here on AVEN definitely helps.

 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, IcyZorua said:

I used to wonder why I never felt the same way as the other kids about dating, but I didn't have a word for it. In seventh grade, I had a brief period of questioning: "I'm not really that interested in guys. Maybe I'm a lesbian? No, I don't like girls that way either. Guess I must be straight." I had my first romantic crush a little while later, which was a relief to me, because I had been feeling like I was broken. 

During freshman year, I got an online account and met a guy who identified as ace, and I didn't quite understand it, so I did some research. I was hesitant to take the label at first, but the more I found out about it, the more it matched exactly what I was feeling. I still do have days where I question myself, but being here on AVEN definitely helps.

 

I also felt like I was "broken", like there was something seriously wrong with me. I was expected to be straight, and I tried very hard to be straight, but I ended up failing miserably at that...

 

I, too, was hesitant about using the term "asexual" at first, as I wasn't sure that it fit me properly. Once I learned more, though, I grew more comfortable with the word, so I started using it to describe my sexual orientation. 😊

[kimbo21]

I properly started looking into it when I was at University.  Up until then I would just say I 'wasn't interested.'  I had a close friendship with a guy at uni who I really liked but I still wasn't attracted to him and I started to wonder what was going on.  I can't actually remember whether it was myself or a friend who came across asexuality but I felt a mix of emotions about it.  I was relieved to know the word and that there were others.  Aven became my favourite online spot and I was on here constantly, but I also felt sad and a loss.  I felt like marriage and children were probably not going to be open for me.  (I know it does happen for some people, but of course it cuts the pool down significantly).  I don't actually want to date.  I feel like I'm in the middle of aromantic and romantic   Because.. I love the idea of romance but don't really feel it myself.  However, I would love the idea of a partner for companionship, shared interests etc.  I think knowing about asexuality is life- saving for many people because it's really isolating and confusing to not know why you feel the way you do.  I am incredibly grateful for aven

[Guest]

3 hours ago, kimbo21 said:

I think knowing about asexuality is life- saving for many people because it's really isolating and confusing to not know why you feel the way you do.  I am incredibly grateful for aven

I've felt that way too - feeling confused and isolated, wondering why I wasn't as interested in dating and sex like most of the other people around me, thinking that I was weird and different (and not in a good way!). 

 

I'm also incredibly grateful for AVEN. I honestly don't know what I'd do without it. The city I live in is so small. I know that I'm not the only ace here, but I have yet to meet another one like myself... (-_-) 

[Another Small Potato]

I didn't identify with the term asexual for a whlile because I still got crushes (and in fifth grade-- the time of my primary questioning-- who feels more, anyway??) I've never really liked kids and I suspect I might be emetophobic so I never wanted to have any children, and it was contemplating this that led me to the realization that there was another reason I wasn't interested in offspring-- asexuality. I would classify myself a fairly anxious person so it might be to do with that? Or maybe it's just that I already fear unpredictability and don't want children in my life so I don't see the point. Anyway. Coming out to my friends has been easy so far, the really don't seem to care.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Another Small Potato said:

II've never really liked kids and I suspect I might be emetophobic so I never wanted to have any children, and it was contemplating this that led me to the realization that there was another reason I wasn't interested in offspring-- asexuality. I would classify myself a fairly anxious person so it might be to do with that? Or maybe it's just that I already fear unpredictability and don't want children in my life so I don't see the point. Anyway. Coming out to my friends has been easy so far, the really don't seem to care.

I also don't see the point in having kids. From a young age, I knew that I didn't want them, and the feeling has never changed. I don't think that my asexuality has much to do with how I feel about having kids; I'm just not a kid person. 

 

My older brother has a lil rugrat now. She's cute and all that, but I still don't see the point of having them. Actually, watching my brother and sister-in-law raise her wears me out. I don't know how people do it... (-_-) 

 

I'm happy to hear that coming out to your friends was easy.