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"Something's Missing" and Asexual Partners

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uhtred
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Does the spontaneous return of sex (in uhtred’s life) follow threats to break up or similar discussions?  I got the (mistaken?) impression it was seemingly more random.

It varies.  There was the one discussion where I was leading up to (unknown to her) asking for a divorce.  That resulted in a huge improvement.   Then after a 2 year decline I had a nice conversation with her and things picked up for a month or two, then declined for a couple of years.  Then I had a somewhat unhappy conversation where I explained exactly how I felt, and my confusion at sex being good, apparently for both of us for a while, then disappearing.  She got upset, but a week later things got good for a month - then declined.

 

That was years ago.  After that though the pattern has been repeated with no action from me.   Things will decline over ~6 months until we are down to < 1/month with minimal activities when we do have sex.  Then suddenly things will get better for a few weeks. Always she seems very happy  with this.  Then the will decline again, repeat and repeat.  

 

I will try to initiate sex maybe 1/month.  She has agreed once in the last 2 years.    Every time we go on vacation she tells me to pack the sex toys - even though we haven't had sex on vacation  in several years, including 2 anniversary trips. 

 

As a data point: she has lost the ability to have intercourse - it got so rare that it became uncomfortable for her.  She agrees that its due to lack of frequency. Agrees that trying more frequently with smaller toys would help. Went to her gynecologist to discuss it and got recommended lubricants and creams. Then no attempts for 6 months.  Then suddenly tried frequently for about 3 weeks, where she became comfortable with toys roughly my size, but then frequency declined again. 

 

Every decline is always explained by specific events that prevented sex on particular days - but which obviously could have been avoided by switching to other days. 

 

 

 

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uhtred
7 minutes ago, vega57 said:

And when she tries to deflect the conversation and becomes defensive (having no idea whether or not what you said to her/how you said it to her may have caused her to feel defensive), have you explained (calmly) that you understand that she may be feeling defensive and/or uncomfortable, but this conversation must take place and be resolved, or there's no point in continuing the marriage?  

I may be wrong but I don't feel it would be ethical to in any way threaten to leave her for lack of sex. I think that would result in her having sex she deeply resented in order to keep me from leaving her. I want to be desired. I can live with her wanting to please me because she loves me, since I do the same for her.  I don't want her to "pay" me in sex to keep me.  

 

 

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Telecaster68

It's a subtle difference though, to say 'no sex is an issue for me and your refusal to discuss it means it's not going to improve. It's making me sufficiently miserable I don't want to continue this relationship'. 

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ryn2
6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's a subtle difference though, to say 'no sex is an issue for me and your refusal to discuss it means it's not going to improve. It's making me sufficiently miserable I don't want to continue this relationship'. 

Agreed but saying it that way may still result in the “paying” sex uhtred would rather avoid.

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Telecaster68
Just now, ryn2 said:

Agreed but saying it that way may still result in the “paying” sex uhtred would rather avoid.

That's kind of his wife's problem though. He hasn't threatened, just stated his position and she can react how she wants. The 'paying' sex possibility is impossible to avoid really; all uhtred can do is be as uncoercive as possible in his own actions. 

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SusannaC

It seems as though Uhtred wants to be loved and desired by his wife, and he loves her- despite the pain her erratic behavior creates.  

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uhtred
46 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's a subtle difference though, to say 'no sex is an issue for me and your refusal to discuss it means it's not going to improve. It's making me sufficiently miserable I don't want to continue this relationship'. 

I'm willing to and have said that the lack of sex makes me very unhappy.  From where things are now though, I've decided not to divorce because of it.  Whether I should have done so 10 years ago is water under the bridge.  It doesn't make sense for me now. So I don't think I can honestly say that I won't continue the relationship. 

 

I have carefully thought about what divorce would mean, and its not worth it for sex. 

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uhtred
13 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

It seems as though Uhtred wants to be loved and desired by his wife, and he loves her- despite the pain her erratic behavior creates.  

Yup.  The thing is, I'm convinced she does *love* me.  She just doesn't want sex with me - ergo "Asexual".   I'm willing to identify someone as asexual if they never or rarely want sex with a person whom they love, and who loves them back, treats them well, and generally behaves in a manner consistent with a romantic relationship.  (obvious medical issues aside).

 

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

Yes that matches.  The first make sense. The second seems strange to me - especially because when we do have sex she at least tries to do things for me as well. 

I get that too kind of though. I have a real hard time *wanting* sex, to the extent I assumed I was asexual for years.  When I got with someone who identified as ace but was open to trying things if I wanted (whatever I wanted) but didn't care at all himself if he had sex, I started really wanting it :o when I'm in that mood I actually *prefer* doing things to the other person,  as long as I know they would be just as happy without those things. I also need to know I'm desired by that person, but still that they don't expect sex. If suddenly my partner started *expecting* sex or trying to initiate it or whatever, i'd have been instantly turned off and not able to get in the mood again :o

 

I'm pretty sure now I understand why I can become so 'connected' with fictional characters, more so than 'real people'. I have (almost) total control with a fictional character intimately as long as I respect their canon (the overall storyline and personality traits an author has given them)..but that fictional character will never be able to ask sex of me or expect it, so I can maintain romantic and sexual desire for them for a much longer time (and this has been since I was a kid about age 6 or 7) :o

 

anyway what I'm getting at is, could your wife have something like that? Just without the fictional stuff of course because that's super weird haha..but could it be that she's desiring it as long as you're not showing signs of wanting it? Especially if you were considering divorce. At one point my partner  (the one who thought he was ace when we met) tried to break up with me and I wanted sex more after we'd sorted that out than I had in ages :o it sounds like your wife did the same thing (got a bit horny) when you were considering divorcing her? 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Holy crap I didn't realize how many surprised faces that post had until after I'd posted it haha

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

That's kind of his wife's problem though. He hasn't threatened, just stated his position and she can react how she wants. The 'paying' sex possibility is impossible to avoid really; all uhtred can do is be as uncoercive as possible in his own actions. 

It’s definitely his wife’s problem but if sounded like he might not be okay with it anyway.

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ryn2
49 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Just without the fictional stuff of course because that's super weird haha...

It seems normal to me but I’m a fine judge, I know.😂

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