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How do I respectfully ask my ace friend about their boundaries?


lambent

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Hi all, I'm new to the network. I'm bi- and demi- sexual, and I recently made a friend who is bi-romantic and ace. I want to ask him about his boundaries, because we have been fairly flirtatious lately (although it's a new enough friendship that I'm not sure - he could just be very friendly). He's mentioned that he is not opposed to contact and cuddling, and I know that he is sex-indifferent more than sex-averse. I know the best way to define boundaries is to ask him, so my question is:

 

How do you recommend I go about asking? I want to be respectful and not prying. I don't want to make any assumptions. Aces, what ways have people asked you about your preferences? What is your preferred method of having that conversation? Are there any pitfalls I should avoid?

 

For context: I have never been in an ace relationship before; my previous relationship (which lasted for a decade) was with a heterosexual, allo man. I'm not sure how to even approach a conversation about defining someone's boundaries between desired romantic contact and undesired sexual contact.

 

Thank you for your help!

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20 minutes ago, lambent said:

Hi all, I'm new to the network. I'm bi- and demi- sexual, and I recently made a friend who is bi-romantic and ace. I want to ask him about his boundaries, because we have been fairly flirtatious lately (although it's a new enough friendship that I'm not sure - he could just be very friendly). He's mentioned that he is not opposed to contact and cuddling, and I know that he is sex-indifferent more than sex-averse. I know the best way to define boundaries is to ask him, so my question is:

 

How do you recommend I go about asking? I want to be respectful and not prying. I don't want to make any assumptions. Aces, what ways have people asked you about your preferences? What is your preferred method of having that conversation? Are there any pitfalls I should avoid?

 

For context: I have never been in an ace relationship before; my previous relationship (which lasted for a decade) was with a heterosexual, allo man. I'm not sure how to even approach a conversation about defining someone's boundaries between desired romantic contact and undesired sexual contact.

 

Thank you for your help!

Well, I would, first of all, ask him if he feels comfortable talking about this. If he doesn't, I, personally, would drop it, then not touch him in any sexual (or romantic, maybe?) way. If he's open to it, sit him down and ask him about his boundaries and make sure you ask him to go into detail about crossing any lines so you're aware. I hope this helped and sorry if I sounded rude. Also, welcome to heAVEN! Have some cake.

 

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Intentions!! For Aces, playing the tension game doesn't really work because we just don't feel it the same way. Also, don't let flirting be misleading. I, too, am a terrible flirt and have accidentally bit off more than I can handle with it. The thing that would frustrate me most was when intentions weren't clear and suddenly something developed that I didn't necessarily want. I guess I'm saying if you are desiring more from him, tell him this and see whathe has to say. Go from there! Be open to him not wanting more or but maybe he'd be open to trying things! But don't be scared to ask because it's important for Aces to know our own boundaries (including the boundary of if we want to discuss them or not). 

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eva perkele

idk i would just answer any questions that the other person might have. i don't feel like it's a very sensitive topic, but i understand that other aces may be (and are) different. maybe a comfortable route would be to ask something (that seems most important) at some point, and then keep asking specific questions later, once the corresponding situations pop up 

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Thanks, gang! I definitely tend to err on the side of being overly sensitive to other's feelings and needs, and I know that that can sometimes be insulting. I will definitely just be very straightforward. I value vulnerability, so I should probably take the leap and be vulnerable by asking outright as gner0 and The Angel of Eternity suggested. And of course I am very happy to abide by whatever boundaries he has - because regardless of flirtation, we are also just really great friends! And I'm glad to be friends :)

Thank you for your insights and real talk!

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
11 hours ago, lambent said:

Hi all, I'm new to the network. I'm bi- and demi- sexual, and I recently made a friend who is bi-romantic and ace. I want to ask him about his boundaries, because we have been fairly flirtatious lately (although it's a new enough friendship that I'm not sure - he could just be very friendly). He's mentioned that he is not opposed to contact and cuddling, and I know that he is sex-indifferent more than sex-averse. I know the best way to define boundaries is to ask him, so my question is:

 

How do you recommend I go about asking? I want to be respectful and not prying. I don't want to make any assumptions. Aces, what ways have people asked you about your preferences? What is your preferred method of having that conversation? Are there any pitfalls I should avoid?

 

For context: I have never been in an ace relationship before; my previous relationship (which lasted for a decade) was with a heterosexual I'm not sure how to even approach a conversation about defining someone's boundaries between desired romantic contact and undesired sexual contact.

 

@The Angel of Eternity, @gner0 I'm so glad to have found this thread! I've been struggling with these questions for weeks without any solution on my side either but it's become so much clearer after reading your replies now.

 

1 hour ago, lambent said:

Thank you for your insights and real talk!

Same goes for me :D 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Magnolia blossom

For me, I always like to have people (whether they want to be my friend or a potential romantic partner) just ask before they try any new form of physical contact with me. Especially affectionate stuff. My experience so far has been with friends so even just being asked if I'm cool if they sit right beside me (leaving no space) or if they lay their head on my shoulder when we're watching TV, for instance. I'd really want people to ask before they touched my hair or picked me up, etc. I also like to know their reasons (platonic? romantic? sexual? romantic/sexual?) for touching because that gives me an idea of their expectations and what I'm encouraging or discouraging by letting or not letting them express their affection in that particular way. Because I usually can't tell if you don't straight up let me know, but maybe that's just me.

 

So I guess I prefer a conversation about boundaries that is so gradual it doesn't feel like a conversation. But if you do want to just take a moment to discuss their boundaries, I'd just be open about what you want to know and why you're asking. In your case, you seem to want to know some general information, so I'd first open by explaining that you care about them (as a _____) and want to be respectful so you want to ask them something. Just telling them that you care that much (to bother asking about boundaries and doing it because you want to be respectful) will mean a lot to them. It certainly would to me. 

 

Then, I'd ask a general question like,

 

"What are your boundaries, physically? Would you be okay if I/we   ____ or ____, for example?"

 

You could mention that you'd like to do those things because you feel platonically/romantically/sexually--- whatever the case is----- attracted to them or affectionate toward them. 

 

Pitfalls? Don't act like you have the right to know everything. They get to decide how much they want to let you know right now. Don't make it feel like an interrogation rather than a conversation. If it's really about them, and what they want then you'll be respectful if they don't want to talk about it (at all or a specific thing) and you'll try to make it comfortable for them. You sound like you respect them and care about how the experience is for them, so you'll probably be fine :)

 

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I have this problem where I think flirting is really really fun. But I would never even want to cuddle someone. So I have to reel back my verbal behavior so people  don't get bad ideas. He said he is okay with contact and cuddling, so maybe just be slow and sit next to him ?I don't know how long you've been friends. Some people have larger time frames before they are okay with much too.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I agree with Magnolia. Nothing scares some of us as much as unexpected physical contact.

When in doubt, just ask politely. Sometimes it is better to ask permission than forgiveness.

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Quick question - is this something you actually have conversations about? As in asking the question "What are your boundaries?"

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2 hours ago, Homer said:

Quick question - is this something you actually have conversations about? As in asking the question "What are your boundaries?"

It does seem to be gradually making its way from the kink community out into relationships in general...

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18 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

It does seem to be gradually making its way from the kink community out into relationships in general...

WTF. Why?

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58 minutes ago, Homer said:

WTF. Why?

It’s one tested (in kink) model of informed, enthusiastic consent.  I don’t get the sense it’s that widespread yet but it definitely has a following.

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AcornCarvings
3 hours ago, Homer said:

Quick question - is this something you actually have conversations about? As in asking the question "What are your boundaries?"

Yes.

It can be a really nice way to let someone know you care about them and their emotions. If done well by making sure everyone feels comfortable to say what they really think and making sure it is not "one and done" and it is a flexible, ongoing conversation, it can be extremely helpful when navigating relationships where the sets of things you'd be into aren't fully the same. 

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53 minutes ago, AcornCarvings said:

Yes.

It can be a really nice way to let someone know you care about them and their emotions. If done well by making sure everyone feels comfortable to say what they really think and making sure it is not "one and done" and it is a flexible, ongoing conversation, it can be extremely helpful when navigating relationships where the sets of things you'd be into aren't fully the same. 

This is so weird.

 

I wonder if this is related to the way computers and apps have crept into how relationships are formed nowadays, clicking some icon or other, swiping here, typing there... it just seems totally mechanical to me. I mean I can be awkward af and I'm not a fan of feelings in general and even I can tell whether something is okay in that moment with a pretty okay percentage of being right. Are people not listening to their instincts anymore?

 

(Not even mentioning the fact that boundaries totally depend on the very individuals involved. My boundaries are very different for everyone I know.)

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Some BDSM play partners use an extensive checklist to delineate what’s good/required, okay, maybe not okay, and completely off-limits before they will enter into a scene together.  In that setting it’s important because - among other reasons - the normal body language and verbal cues for “stop” and “no” may be part of the scene and not valid.

 

I think it’s grown from there as people have realized that it helps facilitate (awkward, sometimes uncomfortable) conversation and eliminate misunderstandings... even in vanilla sexual/sensual settings.

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AcornCarvings
6 hours ago, Homer said:

even I can tell whether something is okay in that moment with a pretty okay percentage of being right. Are people not listening to their instincts anymore?

and often times depending on people's pasts or positions of power in the relationship or in the moment cues can be hard to read or there can be some level of coercion. I've been in situations where I have felt pressured into doing things I would rather not, and because of how I react to things I didn't really throw out cues that I wasn't enjoying it. Tuning in to each others body language and that sort of stuff works in some relationships, but in others having more explicit communication about consent is better.

 

6 hours ago, Homer said:

it just seems totally mechanical to me

idk, for me I got into the flow of talking about these things really quickly. I don't feel like it is scripted or mechanical, it's actually just a conversation with someone I care deeply about talking about things I like and things that I don't like so we can enjoy our time together more. We also sometimes work it into cuddling, so if one of us wants to try something out we can in a setting where we are hyper-tuned in to ourselves and what we like. There is nothing mechanical to it for me, I find it super enjoyable.

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Walked this fine line with my ace and discovered that he doesn't understand sex at all the way I do. Simply asking and going by his responses doesn't always work, because what is conceptually fine in a reply may be a very disinterested action in practice or even an aversion. Particularly since he's sex-neutral and has a sex drive that mostly responds to his own fantasies and erotic stimulation than me. So something like "would you like me to touch you there (wherever)" may seem like a hot fantasy in his mind, but while actually doing it, he may be like "What? Nothing. It is just a touch. I don't mind" - which isn't exactly what we had in mind.

 

I have found it useful to ask while in an intimate situation. Say, we are cuddling and "would you like me to rub your feet while we watch this film?" or if we are already skin to skin and I touch his chest and ask him "do you like this?" - it works much better if you are able to pay attention to his body language and are sure to not do things first that make him uncomfortable and ask later. So it has to be something that can be reasonably expected in the situation or at least something that won't distress.

 

Also, you can ask him if he'd like to touch you in a specific manner and see where it goes. Be prepared though for him touching your breasts (for example) not meaning the same thing to him as it does to you. In the sense, it will get you hot and him... not. At least not necessarily.

 

If you are at an exploratory stage and sexual contact is important to you, unless this person already means a lot to you, I'd highly recommend backing off and keeping it to a friendship (and in his mind it is unlikely to be more than that very often - my ace once landed up in a room with a woman who suggested sex and fully expected that is where they were headed based on their interactions over MONTHS without realizing that there was anything sexual going on between them. He was simply spending very enjoyable time with a friend with whom he had a lot in common.)

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On 7/9/2018 at 10:18 PM, Homer said:

Quick question - is this something you actually have conversations about? As in asking the question "What are your boundaries?"

In our home? All the time. And not just about sex. About what would you like for dinner, what to do today evening, do you want to come to town with me or not? Whatever. Consent is a huge thing. Both of us are highly independent individuals. We do not assume consent ever and have still unwittingly trampled boundaries.

 

It took my partner 2 years before he realized that he couldn't assume I wanted to go out ANYWHERE. I enjoy it because I am with him and I like that and he really takes very good care to ensure I am not stressed, but that does not change my default of being averse to social situations and he must ask every time, even if I consent every time (I don't), because it gives me the opportunity to be prepared mentally.

 

It took me 3 years to understand that a hard on does NOT mean he wants sex, even though we've had it often and the hard on may be as a result of physical touch. I MUST check with him. I never really "got" it till he realized he was ace.

 

I think talking about consent is more a way of being with each other, respecting individuality and so on. It becomes a part of how you communicate. It isn't at all mechanical or formal. It is caring. Their choice MATTERS, therefore it is seeked and a mutually enjoyable course of action is chosen. It isn't some formality to go through mechanically that controls your actions, it is input that enhances the quality of what you do together. At least how it works out in conversations between us.

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