What made you realize you were Ace/Aro

[Ash.]

Ok so I'm almost positive that I'm asexual and I'm just trying to figure out if I'm aromatic. I love romantic novels and TV show I think they are really cute. I think couples are cute but when I see one I'm not thinking "Wow that looks like something I want I'm my life". I can't really tell the difference between a crush and a squish. I have some friends that I want to be close with and talk to more. I don't want to get married or have a bf/GF because it sounds like a lot of work with nothing in return.I guess what I'm asking is what made you realise you where ace/aro, what's the difference between a crush and a squish and from what I've told you do I sound aromatic.

[Bandrailian]

Aromantic, like asexual, is a label you apply to yourself to help you understand or explain who you are. Only you can ultimately decide if that's how you want to be described. For me personally the idea of a relationship and having that support, closeness, and intimacy, is quite appealing. I however avoid relationships because of the work required, and fear of rejection due to my asexuality and health problems. I wouldn't describe myself as aromantic because of this though, just disinterested because of current circumstances. I'd be more inclined to label myself as one though if I felt that relationships held no personal value to me as you make it sound they do to you. You could still find them cute without valuing them for yourself, and saying your aromantic doesn't mean you can never be in a relationship.

Celebrating other people's relationships is a beautiful thing, and is independent of your own views on their application to you. Just because I don't like (and physically can't anymore) running, doesn't mean I wouldn't celebrate a friend winning a race. That doesn't make me a runner myself, just like appreciating another's relationship wouldn't necessarily make you alloromantic.

And I'm not too sure of the difference, though I think squish is supposed to be more platonic. I'm pretty sure this is without sexual feelings, but it may also be without romantic feelings? Someone else will be able to better answer this.

[Epitaph]

I don't figure I fit on snuggly on the ace spectrum. Somewhere on there, sure. But I don't much care to delve.  I noticed it when I was a teenager. Couples all around me. Then there was just me. Nobody ever clicked with me. And I never got involved with anybody for the purpose of sex unlike some people I observed. Never cared to either. I met two people in my life who I'd've considered living with on a more intimate level. If they'd wanted sex, I'd've tried my best.

 

My little working theory on asexuality or aromantics is levels of exposure and open mindedness. I don't mean open mindedness quite in the sense that it sounds. Basically, if we choose to close doors in our mind, then that's the result we work to end up with. That particular closed door might result in being closed to begin with from various experiences and chemical alterations in childhood and young adulthood when sexuality is developing. Had I never bumped into those individuals in my life who I happened to fall for, today I'd assume that perhaps I was aromantic. Since I've not had sex in the environment I hold the standard to, I can't actually really say whether or not I myself am asexual. If exposed to the right conditions I might adapt to change. I never chased after romance. But it wandered into my road one day and hit me over the head. So for you, I can't really say anything conclusive either.

[pendulum_chronometry]

I figured out I was asexual by having sex actually. 🤷‍♀️

There were signs along that path of course. Like the unbridled panic I felt during a middle school abstinence assembly when it finally occurred to me that I would one day have to have sex and get pregnant "because that's what people do". Or the early bit of college, when I thought I might be bisexual because I didn't really "like" one gender better than the other. 

Eventually, I experimented later in college and discovered that what I was experiencing (sex) had the ability to be good-ish physically but mentally it was whatever. Now this worked out for me because I'm fairly sex-neutral. You might be sex repulsed (or romance-repulsed?) and so I wouldn't say experimentation is the answer here. Though I suppose you could try if you felt comfortable with it.

 

Also, I read erotica and masturbate (TMI?) because I have a sex drive. My enjoyment of fictional sexual situations doesn't mean I really want to have sex myself or that I find people attractive. There's not a future I see myself having where I suddenly start falling over myself trying to sleep with other people.

 

Honestly, I think you know. 

I knew in middle school that I never wanted to get pregnant and have a kid and it was only a few months ago that my parents started believing me when I said it. I'm 25, for reference. Some things you know, particularly if you have a strong emotion attached to it, right away. 

 

I think in general, if you can't see yourself wanting something in the future, you probably know what you want/need best. If you see no positives in pursuing a romantic relationship then, from my limited perspective, I'd say you were aromantic. Honestly, even if you find out later that you were mistaken, there is nothing lost by IDing as aro. People change and labels are only useful if they help you get a handle on who you are. They aren't something people bestow upon you or kick you out of because you don't fit right. Anyone who says otherwise is an asshole.

 

I hope that helped?

[NickyTannock]

@Ash. I realised I'm Asexual in my early teens when I started noticing comments like "This girl has nice tits" or "that girl has a nice ass" from my peers and in media, and was always left bewildered.

 

As for the difference between a crush and a squish, and whether you're aromantic I find this image helpful,

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

[LadyFie]

5 hours ago, pendulum_chronometry said:

discovered that what I was experiencing (sex) had the ability to be good-ish physically but mentally it was whatever.

It was pretty much the same for me. For years I was confused why people would be so interested in sex, but I thought it was only because I just hadn't experienced it myself. But after I've had my experiences, I still didn't understand why it was so important and great to most people. Then I finally accepted I'm just not "normal".

[Galactic Turtle]

9 hours ago, Ash. said:

I guess what I'm asking is what made you realise you where ace/aro

I spent up until early adulthood not knowing asexuality was a thing. As someone who never really thought much about sexual orientations it was generally a non issue. I just assumed I was straight because that's the default. When the people around me starting dating and such I thought everything was being exaggerated. I was too preoccupied with school and other activities to think too much about it. My parents did suspect I was lesbian. Because this was seen as an unfavorable thing when I was growing up I just kinda... kept my eyes in front of me and figured if I was lesbian I felt quite comfortable not dating girls so I would be ok and no one would have to know.

 

I realized I was asexual the moment I found out what asexuality was. I was 21 or 22. At the time I assumed I was heteroromantic because, given my environment, it's a pretty scary thing to admit you're a girl who isn't attracted to boys at all. I didn't think dating had much to do with attraction and it was more of a social expectation kind of like... going to college and getting a job. It wasn't until college that I realize people felt certain ways towards certain people, wanted to touch intimately or kiss. I didn't understand any of this and because of that got myself into some unfavorable situations.

 

Romance is really a feeling that is showcased by doing certain things. What these things are vary between cultures and between people. I call myself aromantic simply because I've never had a crush on anyone and I view crushes as the starting point to romantic love - the first attraction.

 

9 hours ago, Ash. said:

what's the difference between a crush and a squish

I've never found a use for the word "squish" but I do have a friend who does get strong urges to be friends with certain other people and plots very thoroughly about how to do it (as was the case with me). However from my end she was just a girl in class who liked the same music as I did and one day we just started hanging out outside of class. I suppose you could say she had a squish on me but that phase of pre-friendship doesn't hit me in a way that I'd need an entirely separate word to describe it. To me it's simply getting to know someone. 

 

9 hours ago, Ash. said:

from what I've told you do I sound aromatic.

Possibly? Honestly people describe aromantic in so many different ways the usefulness of the word is beginning to feel diminished to me. However I think maybe an ok indicator of aromanticism (coupled with asexuality) is if the split attraction model seems odd to you. Unlike much of the ace community, aro aces actually have attractions that align so separating romantic and sexual feelings might seem a bit as foreign to an aro ace person as a heterosexual heteroromantic person.

[Niboty]

I found out I was ace as soon as I learned about it and did research. But it took me almost a year to admit to myself that I was aromantic. I've always kind of wanted a family, having a person you can support and will support you (There are still options for these as an aromantic though). Plus all the societal pressure. I also find some TV and real life couples cute. But I'm a pretty logical person so once that seed set in my mind that I might be aromantic I analysed a lot of my past actions. For example I realized I never understood a lot of typical romantic relationships things. Like when someones partner is completely wrong but they back them up anyway. I could never do that, I would be like I still think you are an awesome person but you are completely in the wrong here. I never understand gifts that only purpose are symbolic. I don't get hand holding, cuddling, kissing, sleeping in the same bed... although that may be sensual... who knows. But I think one of the biggest was when I got a squish for another guy. I used to get a lot of squishes for girls, guys talk about ass and tits a lot so as an asexual I always got along better with females. And for the longest time I thought they were crushes but once I got the same feelings for a guy I realized they were all squishes and I was just confused because when I would tell a friend "yo I like this girl" they would make a big deal about it. Another almost contradictory thing for me as an aromantic is I fall in "love" super quick. Because I don't actually experience romantic attraction which tends to build over time from my understanding, as soon as I know that a person is kind and has good morals that's enough for me to be like yeah I could spend my life with you. Used to assume that thought was linked to marriage but now I realize its more of a lifelong friends/roommates thing. 

 

I guess here is my best shot at defining crushes and squishes. Crushes and squishes are really similar because they both describe that nervous yet giddy excitement that you feel when you think you might have found someone you could have a close relationship with. Romantic people tend to value traditional partners more then friendships so they get only get the important nervous feelings for people they want to be partners with. Aromantic people will always value friendships higher so they will get the important nervous feelings for someone they want to be friends with. I haven't heard of someone who gets both and can distinguish between them. But the distinction can help explain your feelings to romantic people. 

 

As for if you are aromantic... I think people are starting to realize romantic, sexual and gender orientations are very fluid. We use labels to tell other people where we are on those scales. Some are more specific then others and everyone has a slightly different definition...

3 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Honestly people describe aromantic in so many different ways the usefulness of the word is beginning to feel diminished to me.

If you think the label describes who you are and can be useful in explaining that to other people then use it. If you want a more specific one there are some out there. If you don't want a label at all that's cool too. 

[Laplace]

I started identifying as ace after college after I really started to question why my life has played out so differently to my peers. I was always indifferent to sex and romance, and I always seemed to be completely oblivious to flirting. I’m pretty sure I found out after Googling stuff like, “Why don’t I love anyone?” or “Why don’t I care about dating?”

 

Before that, I had always thought something was up but I couldn’t fathom what it was. I had a very clinical and sterile view of sex cause I researched human reproduction in like elementary school. I had a rather warped view of romance too cause my parents divorced during middle school. That cynical view has mellowed slightly over time, however, it really set me apart throughout adolescence.

[snapesonalane]

You know, I don't even remember when I started identifying as ace. I can't recall how I came to the conclusion. Not because it was very long ago (maybe 3 or 4 years) but because I used to misinterpret what asexual meant until I finally did the research and realized it fit. I'm assuming. I didn't even journal about it which probably indicates I was really comfortable with the label as soon as I adopted it. 

Now how did I realize I was aromantic? That one was way harder to get. I used to think I was afraid to open up to relationships because I was ace and didn't want to have sex. It never occurred to me that romantic aces still feel a pull towards a person they have a crush on. I thought I had crushes because I wanted to get to know someone and be near them but they were probably squishes. I realized a lot of aces feel like kissing. I have never in my life felt like I want to kiss someone, which I never knew you might feel with a crush. I never wanted to hold someones hand. Never thought about dating my supposed crushes. So eventually I analyzed all this without my asexuality as a factor and realized I was also aromantic. 

[Llama_Socks]

I found out after my first real crush, the whole time this kid was telling me about how pretty I looked while all I liked about him was that he was humorous and was in band. After that I realized that I never really had any physical attraction to anybody, it was more or less their character that I liked about them and I wasn't even dreaming of sex or making out with their significant other (even though I would be too young for that... some people in my grade has done it before....). All I could imagine was a night out to the movies with a dinner at Steak and Shake afterwards, not even kissing because I honestly don't remember how to kiss (not that it has anything to do with asexuality). There was also a time where my parents would make me kiss them on the cheek before I could have deserts and I didn't have any desert for three and a half months before they gave up on me. Back on track here, I realized that I was asexual after I couldn't have any attraction towards anyone, I just never seem to have the same attraction as I did towards anyone after that. Just about two months after my first real crush a friend of mine (let's call her Molly...) had an asexual flag pin on her backpack. I didn't know what it meant at first until a day in math when my friends were asking about my crush and I told them:

"I honestly have no attraction towards anybody... Is my body broken or something?" That's when a kid that overheard me and asked:

"Are you an asexual?" I didn't know what to say then so I replied with a no, but the person says: "Oh sorry, it just sounded like that to me."

After the school day ended I went home and looked up 'I don't have any attraction towards anybody' and my trusty sidekick Google pulled up the definition of asexual. After vast research and watching countless youtube videos, I began to see how I was an asexual. It was a confusing time, I thought I would be a failure because my sister has a boyfriend and my parents are conservatives. Meaning that they wouldn't like me to say to them that I'm anything else but straight. Fast forward to March when my friends and I went to watch Love, Simon (I told my parents we were going to see Ready Player One and still don't know that I lied to them), my friends and I were sitting at Steak and Shake ordering food when we randomly got into the conversation on coming out and sexualities ,which was when I told them:

"Hey, I'm asexual." It felt weird to say this, but it also felt right. 

The heteroromantic part is more or less of me never having a romantic attraction to any other gender, and I don't want to assume that I'm one thing without actually knowing. To me it doesn't really matter when it happens, I feel perfectly fine the way I am.

 

[helana12_03]

My lack of interest in being in a romantic relationship. Then when I was in a romantic relationship part of me felt extremely uncomfortable and constantly wanted out. 

[Giwreh]

On 6/4/2018 at 8:57 AM, Bandrailian said:

Celebrating other people's relationships is a beautiful thing, and is independent of your own views on their application to you. Just because I don't like (and physically can't anymore) running, doesn't mean I wouldn't celebrate a friend winning a race. That doesn't make me a runner myself, just like appreciating another's relationship wouldn't necessarily make you alloromantic.

Aggreed !... but not into the hidden venom.  I'll explain, because you probable HIT the actual venom rather unconcious !? (I made it blue) 

In general, people celebrate others... ONLY if those others are explicitely winners.  If I'm a runner (reality) I'm almost never getting celebrated because I'm low grade/mid grade.  It's 100% (well, perhaps 99,8%...) on my own.  While the winners get EVERYTHING, the bulk of the others gets near to nothing. 

That's the venom. 

Before a radical change in human perception on the value of competition (in any field), without being the winner we will not get any appreciation at any moment, except faked ... (for instance, 99,8% of birthday wishes are faked, it's just a ritual)

Cheers

[Bandrailian]

@Giwreh Yeah, definitely unconscious. Perhaps a better metaphor would have been 'finishing a race' compared to the 'achieving a relationship'

[CaityBlue]

(Note: This is PG-13, but if you're sex-repulsed you might want to skip the second half.)

 

I consider myself both grey-aro and grey-ace (the last one being quite new), so my experiences are a bit different, but what made me realize my grey-ness (lol) is pretty similar to indifferent aromantics and asexuals. That thing being that I don't really care. I'd probably experience the same positive effects that alloromantics do from relationships, but it seems like a lot of effort. If someone asked me out and we really clicked I might try it, but I don't care enough to give it much thought. I may never have a romantic relationship and I'm 100% okay with that. Figuring out I was grey-ace was more complicated, since I do experience sexual pleasure and also experience sexual attraction to a certain degree. What finally settled it for me was that I may (rarely) think people are attractive, but that attraction is fleeting and the idea of having sex with them was never a turn-on. If I had a serious partner I'd probably do it to foster intimacy and trust, and it's possible (but seemingly unlikely) that I'd even experience sexual pleasure, but I'd enjoy it because the physical sensations were pleasurable - the addition of a partner would do nothing for me. Again, I may never have sex and I'm 100% okay with it.

[Peryton]

My situation was a bit weird, being very lonely and isolated as a kid and teen, I jumped into a relationship with a dude online as a young teen. He was the same age, this isn't a creepy story, ha ha. Anyway, we were together for a while, broke up once, got back together... When I was an adult and we finally actually broke up it was like such a weight off my chest. At that point I realized very strongly that I didn't really desire a romantic relationship and never really had. 

 

There was a lot of other things like me realizing that I'm asexual and that I just didn't relate to the experiences of other lesbians or non-binary people that loved women. I thought gender non-conforming women were great but I was also coming to terms with being trans and that played heavily into that attraction/admiration. 

 

The biggest things that tipped me over were these:

• Feeling so powerfully that my chest hurt that, if I could without hurting my current partner, that I'd call myself aromantic and badly wanted to. I felt cheated that I couldn't and deeply saddened that it seemed out of my reach.
• I saw a post on tumblr that said something to the effect that "Attraction is supposed to feel good." Attraction did not feel good to me, it felt like stress, confusion, and obligation, a desperation to be like a "normal" person. This kept coming into my head as I finally worked towards accepting that I'm aro. 

I do relate to you in feeling like romance is a lot of work for nothing in return. In my experience... yes that's pretty true. I have a close friend I care about with my partner, don't get me wrong! But all the benefits of romance seem to only go to her and it's a huge drain on my energy. I can't say if you're aromantic or not but if you don't want a relationship, don't force it. If the label brings you peace and comfort, go for it, but you can simply just not engage in romance and let that be that if that works for you! 

[Guest]

On 6/8/2018 at 6:45 PM, helana12_03 said:

My lack of interest in being in a romantic relationship. Then when I was in a romantic relationship part of me felt extremely uncomfortable and constantly wanted out. 

Ditto.

 

I think for me, it was just a matter of distinguishing between me liking the idea of a relationship versus actually wanting to be in one.

[Jesterpot]

I knew I was Ace/Aro when I finally realized that I was just pretending. Pretending to like sex, pretending to like being in a relationship. I never actually wanted any of it, just felt that it was what I was supposed to do. Too bad it took until I was in my 30's before realizing it, but at that point my history spoke volumes. I had never had a relationship longer than a few months, and I would go years in between relationships. I never understood when sex was appropriate with a new date, so I would usually just have sex somewhere between the first and fourth date (I always the found the dating rules confusing). I never craved someone else's hug or hand holding or snuggling, it always felt forced. I faked all orgasms because I thought they were waiting for me to "finish" first and I was bored.

 

If you're confused, explore. Keep exploring until you know. If you don't know, keep trying new things. Always make your intentions clear with people about exploring your curiosity. If you want to try a relationship without sex, tell them. Tell them what you want, let them decide if they want to try with you.

[snowstar]

I'm not ace/aro, but rather grayromantic, which honestly was kinda confusing for a long time before I knew there was even such a thing. Before I knew the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and when I had only heard the term asexual and not aromantic, I thought I might be that, but honestly wasn't certain. It was actually during a slideshow of different identities in my school's GSA club that I first saw the term and definition of grayromantic. I figured out around middle school that I had way less crushes on people than others did, but I wasn't certain what that meant, really. I know that there are different forms of being grayromantic, but for me it means that I have the ability to experience romantic attraction, but it's very rare and uncommon. I've only ever had two crushes, and I haven't had one for at least two years. 

[CandleGirl]

I don't remember exactly when, but I think I was in the end of highschool when I stumbled upon the term ''aromantic'' on the Internet. I often did researches because after being questionned way too often by my peers and explaining that I wasn't interested in that kind of things, I started to wonder if something was wrong with me for not falling in love and not even picturing myself in a relationship, and when I read the definition of aromanticity and that of a squish, I was like ''OMG THATS ME ?!''.

I actually discovered I was aromantic before discovering that I was axesual because you know, I didn't even knew sexual attraction actually existed ? To me, sex was just an act that you do with your significant other and even thought 

[Beyonce]

i found it on the internet and then i realised. for my whole life i had never had a crush or been attracted to people - i just thought i was a straight person. ha! i was wrong

[CatsClubsNCake]

One day I was like wait a minute...

...do I even get crushes?

 

I don't really know

 

Is that normal?

 

*Googles for like four hours*

 

...shoot

 

I'm aromantic

[JaeNeethling]

I didn't start questioning until I was afraid I had a crush. The thought that I might have a crush completely disgusted me and I immediately turned to the internet. I went into questioning for like two years, going between 'straight', 'gay', 'bi' and 'maybe asexual?' The disgust with romance never went away. I turned sixteen this year and I'm 100% sure I'm aromantic and asexual now. Sometimes family makes it hard to identify like that comfortably, but I don't see any way how I could turn out any other orientation now. Nothing else makes sense. This is a label I will carry with me into space one day.

[maybeimamazed]

The aro spectrum is even more invisible than asexuality, if that’s even possible. And yet I identified as aromantic before I realized I’m also asexual. I’ve always been confused as to what sexual attraction actually is. I still don’t fully understand it. So given the fact that a lot of people are aesthetically pleasing to me, both men and women, I figured that I must be bisexual. But apparently that’s not what sexual attraction is lol. Lesbians might think several men are handsome and still be lesbians. Same thing for gay men and pretty women. I’ve never had sexual fantasies. I can get turned on by porn (all types), but I’ve never pictured myself in sexual scenarios.

 

Sexual confusion aside, my complete lack of interest in romantic relationships, my utter avoidance of guys who had crushes on me and my downright uneasiness with the prospect of having a boyfriend or girlfriend have always stood out. The last time anyone caught my eye was over 10 years ago. I’ve had a handful of crushes back when I was a teenager and the objects of my affection were always guys I never had a conversation with. We saw each other during lunch break at school and that was it. I never wanted to pursue anything further. Given those circumstances, I attributed those crushes to sexual attraction rather than a romantic one. I can state for a fact that I’ve never been in love. I’m just not comfortable with having to share every aspect of my life with someone. I value my independence way too much. I like living by myself. When I see people in distress because of a romantic partner, prioritizing their significant other over their friends or putting up with an abusive relationship, it’s all an utterly foreign reality to me. Heck, even shipping fictional pairings comes rarely to me. I have two OTPs, maybe a handful of pairings that give me feels. I had my first kiss in college when I was almost 20 years-old, with a random guy I found mildly cute. I thought “ok this is way overdue, so I guess you’ll have to do”.

 

Just yesterday I came across this post on tumblr and it brought back memories that in retrospect are clear signs that I’m aroace. I used to wonder why gay men and straight women insist on dating men, when it’s so hard to find a decent one. “Why don’t they just date women?? There are so many gorgeous women out there!!”. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But since I’m not romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, if I ever date it’s gonna be a rational choice rather than an emotional one I have no way to control. My heart isn’t pulling me towards any gender, so I can theoretically “make an effort” to date literally anyone I choose. Hopefully this makes sense. It does in my mind.

 

About a week ago I had an experience that made me think “that’s so aro”. I was on a plane combing through a magazine and I came across a picture of an extremely stylish girl. She wore the coolest glasses, a leather jacket, an Artic Monkeys shirt and a colorful headband. She just looked awesome. I could immediately hear queer women and straight men being like “this is an extremely sexy girl, I think I’m in love”. But my thoughts were: “Oh wow. This is the coolest chick. I wish she were my best friend”.

 

I’m still not fully comfortable with being aro, because when you look around there seems to be only one option for you not to feel utterly alone: fall in love with someone and get married/live together. That’s what your friends are going to do eventually and you’re gonna drift apart. That gives me a lot of anxiety. I’m an introvert and I enjoy my alone time, but I profoundly fear not having anyone to turn to.

 

On 6/4/2018 at 1:10 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

I think maybe an ok indicator of aromanticism (coupled with asexuality) is if the split attraction model seems odd to you. Unlike much of the ace community, aro aces actually have attractions that align so separating romantic and sexual feelings might seem a bit as foreign to an aro ace person as a heterosexual heteroromantic person.

... oh.

[Galactic Turtle]

26 minutes ago, brehasolo said:

... oh.

Oh?

[maybeimamazed]

1 hour ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Oh?

The separation between romantic and sexual attraction IS a bit weird to me and I had never realized that it might have something to do with being both ace and aro. The "oh" was meant to convey "omg you're right" lol

[Homer]

18 hours ago, brehasolo said:

The aro spectrum is even more invisible than asexuality

That's because it's a misconception. It's a point, not a "spectrum".

 

I don't consider myself aro because there have been two instances in the past where I had romantic feelings for people. That was more than 15 years ago, but still. I'm still not sure what I'd have expected or wanted to happen had it actually worked.

However it baffles me how the idea of being alone can be so scary for so many of you. I'm a loner, so I can't relate at all... Apart from the fact that being romantic doesn't prevent you from loneliness, most people end up being alone at some point anyway.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

I knew since middle school that I didn’t want sex so that’s how I knew the asexual label fit when I discovered it a year or two ago. I came to identifying as aromantic because I never look at somebody and think “We need to date” or “I want to hold your hand and kiss you” and such

[.sock.]

I find romance to be I very nice thing and always have, but it was never somthing that I could do. I would be trying to date someone and no matter what if there was a kiss, hand holding, unecicary touching,  and stuff like that I get  realy uncomfortable it would be a deal breaker. I knew I was ace but was in denil about the aro thing for awhile.