What are Considered Romantic Activities?

[toast fellow]

hey fellas!

I'm pretty content with my ace identity, however, i am still struggling a lot with the idea of being arom. I thought i'd try to explain some parts and invite some analysis, as well as ideas as to what really constitutes a romantic activity. a lot of what i've seen is just "ooo its what ever yOu WaNt it to be" and frankly that's not very helpful to me, haha.

here it goes:

 

my last romantic partner was really swell guy. the things i loved about the relationship were essentially the emotional closeness, cuddling, and excitement that the other person existed.

however, i felt pretty uncomfortable with kissing (besides pecks) and being alone in a romantic-ish context?

like going to see a movie together made me feel nervous and very unnatural. in retrospect, i think that i become someone who i'm not to try and fit the mold of 'puppy love' when in a relationship. but while i'm in it, it's so exciting. i think part of me loves the pursuit, even if it makes me exceptionally nervous. maybe it's adrenaline?

this relationship ended in a rather bitter sweet fashion because i felt like it was too much, and i couldn't give him what he needed.

 

my best friend is my favorite person in the entire world, and frankly, if he was open to cuddling and being more physically close, that would be my absolute ideal relationship. i love cuddling, comforting, and holding hands with friends. i love playing with their hair and poking their cheeks. i think it signifies a bond and trust that few other things can. i love being invested in people and loving every little thing they do. the way they speak or act, the way they curl up in bed, the things they love and hate, the music they enjoy, and everything about them. i do develop fixations on people, which describes a desire to be closer to them emotionally and i suppose physically, too.

i love people, and i love to love people. i love when people love me. i was once told that i was too passionate and caring to be aromantic, and i dunno how i feel about that. i think i just love people a different way? or not?

 

TL;DR: i love being close and showing physical affection, but i think i am uncomfortable with romantic affection. maybe. what do? help

 

that being said, i pose a question:

what are things/activities that you consider to be romantic vs. platonic vs. sensual? share your own experiences and thoughts too!

 

thanks for stickin with me :^) 💚

[Galactic Turtle]

Depends on the person and the culture me thinks.

 

In a hypothetical world where I felt that way for someone I don't think we'd do much besides spend time together doing the same things I'd do with friends or family. The only thing different would be the feelings I had for the person.

[Guest]

It's different for everyone!  Some people find poems romantic but I'd just think it's silly if someone wrote a poem for me, haha. I also don't see candlelit dinners as romantic.  I think they're fun, so would totally do one with a friend or whatever if I had one (just because candlelight is awesome and I like to cook) but I find the idea of them being specifically about romance really weird and would actually probably feel really awkward if I tried to make a special thing out of it with someone I'm attracted to romantically 😛 it totally depends on the individual. Being romantic or not is about whether or not you can experience romantic attraction/desire inwardly, it doesn't have anything to do with the kinds of actions you like to do with a date/romantic interest what's romantic for one person might be platonic for another,  and what's sensual for one person (like a foot massage) but be romantic but non-sexual for someone else! There's no 'one box fits all' when it comes to this discussion

[Fantastic Name]

I'm not aro, but you basically just described how I am with close friendships and romance. So, there's that.

 

Honestly, though, I think it depends on the person. For me, romantic attraction is what you just described, but on a more intense level and with butterflies in my stomach. However, someone else could feel totally different. I mean, just look at how many people actually enjoy kissing! Some people enjoy romantic touch, and others don't. It's just a very subjective thing.

 

In the end, you're really the only one who can make that decision for yourself. I know that probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but it's the best I got.

[toast fellow]

7 minutes ago, Fantastic Name said:

I'm not aro, but you basically just described how I am with close friendships and romance. So, there's that.

 

Honestly, though, I think it depends on the person. For me, romantic attraction is what you just described, but on a more intense level and with butterflies in my stomach. However, someone else could feel totally different. I mean, just look at how many people actually enjoy kissing! Some people enjoy romantic touch, and others don't. It's just a very subjective thing.

 

In the end, you're really the only one who can make that decision for yourself. I know that probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but it's the best I got.

could you describe more of what romantic attraction entails for you? and how it differs from your own platonic attraction, if it does.

what makes you know?

thanks for the reply :^)

[Orianaro]

Okay complete bullsh*t on the person saying you're too loving and affectionate to be aro. Aros are not cold-hearted recluses: and nor are we inhuman. A lot of people seem to draw that connection because we've made romantic love as a sign of humanity (for instance, when an alien or someone of another race gets romantically involved with a human, suddenly they're also human!) No, romantic love is not what makes us human. Just normal, everyday, simple love is part of what makes us human. Love for friends, love for family, love for simple things, love for music, love for writing, love for sports. Our passions. And you can platonically love someone to the same degree you would to someone romantically. In some ways, aros might be more cuddly/affectionate with friends, because they're not normally reserving all of that for a romantic partner.

 

Everything you described sounds pretty aro. Wanting physical closeness and especially emotional closeness is just a human desire, and we've had it hammered into our heads by society that romantic relationships are the only places to get that and all desire for that with a person is romantic. It doesn't need to be. I feel like a lot of people struggle with accepting their aro side: it seems so inhuman, so strange, so completely wrong when you first look at it. Romance is just... normal. So completely normal and no one ever really challenges that. It's not immediately apparent what other options we have for life if we're not pusuing the great goal of romance. Aros can still want life-long partners, though. There are so many aro myths that people think are just common sense. It's a bit sad, but its just the shape society has taken, so I guess we're stuck with this 😕 And anyways, it took me like 3 months to wrap my mind around being aro, soooooo I can't really talk  The idea was just ludicrous, but at the same time, so impossibly right. And then impossibly lonely, and then I got impossibly proud. I love being aro now, and I love knowing that part about me. It makes life simpler, I guess.

 

Platonic vs romantic vs sensual.... geez, I don't know a full third of that. Sensual is like cuddling. Playing with hair, holding hands, just sitting beside each other. Nice physical presence. Hugs, especially. Platonic is conversation, hanging out on your own or in a huge group, getting emotionally close.  Romantic is (pff no idea but Imma try) candlelit dinners, staring meaningfully into each other's eyes with that invisible tension that's really serious and is normally followed by making out (I consider making out to be bordering on sexual though). Romantic is getting jealous, and getting a leap of happiness when you're seen as a couple. When you're exclusive, when you are only for each other. Platonic is more sharing. For me personally, I get this uncomfortable flip when people see my QP and I as a couple. Yeah, we are, but knowing that they think of it as romantic makes it really uncomfortable. Just the perception of romance makes me uncomfortable.

 

Anyways, best of luck with your internal exploration

[gner0]

I used to strongly identify as an aro-ace but I eventually ditched the aro and decided that I just really didn't care for kissing or excessive physical touching. But I loved to be emotionally close to someone and pretty much everything you described. But it didn't have to be exclusive for  me. I believe romance is simply acts of affection. Sexually motivated romance looks different because it has the intention of sexually engaging with someone. But for an asexual, many don't care for sex so they wouldn't care for that kind of romance. Does that mean they don't like romance? Not necessarily. Romance as someone already said above is different to everyone. Not liking cliche romance or sexually motivated romance doesn't make you aromantic. Romance has to be genuine and thoughtful. If someone were to offer me a night of snuggling and watching a movie I'd be like NO THANKS. But if they were to offer to go on a nice walk and talk about life I'd be all about it. One of my  best memories is walking all day on Sunset Boulevard and sitting in a courtyard under the moon and palm trees eating a churro with my best friend. It was genuine and we bonded a lot.

 

I think we learn a lot about romance through media and the perspective of sexual people. It gets confusing for aces especially because we don't plan to go beyond the talking phase. For many sexual people, that bonding and good time will often cause them to develop sexual attraction towards that person. But for asexuals we are content with the way things are and if we don't "finish the night" how is this any different than an outing with a friend? It's not but that doesn't take away the bonding you may have or the love you have for this person especially. We all love to love and we all express it one way or another. Just because there's no sexual agenda doesn't mean we aren't romantic. We're just asexy.

[Fantastic Name]

Here's a quote from a post I made months ago about romantic attraction:

Quote

For me, it starts as infatuation. At first, it feels like this really strong urge in my gut and my chest to be with this person, to cuddle with them, to have long, deep conversations with them -- to love them. It's a superficial feeling that gets you drunk with ecstasy and longing. You crave the touch of this person. It's ridiculously hard to surpress. It's overwhelming and makes your heart race. The idea of this other person monopolizes your thoughts and takes control of your life. It gets in the way of things. It possesses you and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

 

However, over time it starts to evolve into this sort of warm, relaxing tenderness for this person. It's no longer this crazy, giddy feeling that really gets into you. It turns into a very deep, innocent, and meaningful feeling -- like an intense squish, almost -- that calms you and spreads through your whole body. It's a strong desire to be emotionally intimate with them and to share your life with them. It's both comforting and slightly painful at the same time. It's a weird feeling.

Compared to platonic attraction, I'd say (for me) there's a lot more of a physical aspect to it -- not in the way that I want to touch them, but that the feeling just feels much more intense. It just gets inside me and makes me feel all gooey. It gives me butterflies in my stomach, but I feel nervous in more of a tender, positive way than in a nervous one. It makes me feel vulnerable in the best possible way.

 

Hope this helps!

[Here&Queer]

@Orianaro WOW okay so I just have to say that reading your post was really affirming for me. I've been struggling with my aro identity for a while now, and I've managed to come to a lot of the same conclusions about the differences between platonic, sensual, and romantic attraction. It just seems to me that platonic and romantic attraction can be very similar in some aspects, but romance has that weird energy. Like you said- "invisible tension". However, despite coming to these conclusions, I still wondered if maybe I was wrong, or that I may be the only one who really saw it that way. So I really, really appreciate your description of how you saw things. Just reading it has already made me a bit more secure in being aro, so thank you. Plus, I really relate to @toast fellow's initial post, and I know your reply was to them, but seriously, your words spoke to me as well. 

 

Anyways, this got a bit deeper than I intended it to, basically, thank you for sharing your insight! Just thought you should know how helpful it was to me. 😊

[toast fellow]

On 6/3/2018 at 6:57 PM, Orianaro said:

Romantic is (pff no idea but Imma try) candlelit dinners, staring meaningfully into each other's eyes with that invisible tension that's really serious and is normally followed by making out (I consider making out to be bordering on sexual though). Romantic is getting jealous, and getting a leap of happiness when you're seen as a couple.

fuckin BINGO, dude. this is the best description i've seen. 

that romantic tension makes me so wildly uncomfortable and out of my own skin. exactly.

being alone in a room before making out, someone singing a song to me to try and woo me, being alone together in a movie theatre??? yikes, please refrain, fellow.

i remember when the guy in my last relationship referred to me as his partner, i was just like "wait what lmao". and when people asked if we were dating i usually just said "i guess??"

 

ive developed a new theory that platonic attraction and that overwhelming infatuation lie on the same scale (for me, at least). on one end, i love to care for a friend, but on the extreme side, i seem like im playing a character to cater to my partner's needs, and all the while im exceptionally uncomfortable. its all the same, but the extreme kind is elevated because the other person commits to high amount of reciprocation and it just keeps building until i have to tap out. essentially, i have no self control in regards to how much love i give, and that leads me to being forced into a romantic relationship. whoops.

 

but! your comment hit the nail right on the head, man. 

much thanks!! :^))

[BeakLove]

On 6/4/2018 at 2:57 AM, Orianaro said:

Okay complete bullsh*t on the person saying you're too loving and affectionate to be aro. Aros are not cold-hearted recluses: and nor are we inhuman. A lot of people seem to draw that connection because we've made romantic love as a sign of humanity (for instance, when an alien or someone of another race gets romantically involved with a human, suddenly they're also human!) No, romantic love is not what makes us human. Just normal, everyday, simple love is part of what makes us human. Love for friends, love for family, love for simple things, love for music, love for writing, love for sports. Our passions. And you can platonically love someone to the same degree you would to someone romantically. In some ways, aros might be more cuddly/affectionate with friends, because they're not normally reserving all of that for a romantic partner.

@Orianaro A question I would ask anyone who considers themselves to be aro, is what do you think "romantic love" actually is? Because it seems that most aromantic people accept it as a valid construction - a distinct category in and of itself with some defining features - and then have to spend an awful lot of time justifying to themselves and others that the love they feel in their lives is equally valid (which, of course, it is). But if we think about it for a second: in common parlance platonic simply means an intimate relationship that is non-sexual. The natural complement, then, is a relationship which is sexual. However, romantic attraction (particularly on this forum) does not specifically require sex or sexual attraction. And judging by the responses here romantic love doesn't require as a matter of course picnics, or candlelit dinners, or cuddling, or touching, or really anything? So what exactly does "romantic love" reduce to; what's the essential quality of it? As far as I can tell it's simply love that occurs in the context of a romantic relationship. Which says to me that love is not an emergent property of any specific type of relationship. It's just love. 

 

I created a thread where I explain better, and in much more detail, this idea (it agrees and expands with your notion of why aromantic people might not reserve cuddly/affectionate behaviours for romantic partners):

 

 

On 6/4/2018 at 1:51 AM, toast fellow said:

TL;DR: i love being close and showing physical affection, but i think i am uncomfortable with romantic affection. maybe. what do? help

 

that being said, i pose a question:

what are things/activities that you consider to be romantic vs. platonic vs. sensual? share your own experiences and thoughts too!

 

thanks for stickin with me :^) 💚

@toast fellow The short answer to "what do?" is nothing. If you're looking for some general notion of "romance" you're probably going to be disappointed. The things you were uncomfortable with (kissing, being alone in a 'romantically' (probably sexually) charged environment, etc.) are just things you were uncomfortable with. Perhaps it was simply just that you were uncomfortable with a relationship progressing too fast. Or perhaps you're just uncomfortable with the "idea" of it being "romantic". Unfortunately there's nothing which defines what a romantic activity "really" is. People just decide it arbitrarily. 

 

For me personally, those categories are largely useless e.g. romantic = sensual (excluding sex) for an awful lot of people on here. I think it's simpler just to consider things either physical or emotional. Trying to slice out some of them to call "romantic" feels like a waste of time. 

 

 

 

[toast fellow]

On 6/11/2018 at 8:26 PM, BeakLove said:

I created a thread where I explain better, and in much more detail, this idea (it agrees and expands with your notion of why aromantic people might not reserve cuddly/affectionate behaviours for romantic partners):

 

 

thank you for this! what a great read.

 

I love the idea of a 'romantic set'-  fascinating concept!

it really does seem like a personal standard. I think the essential rejection of that comes from the societal ideal of what that set 'should be'. and since i have no desired romantic set, most people's ideas of what it should be (in the context of my ideal relationship) don't work for me. i suppose that leads me to feel like romance just aint my cup o tea.

 

and on your point of exclusivity, i dont think it should be entirely ruled out. even though it may not be universally true, i feel like there is a heavy prevalence of romance being the relationship in which you find ((((((the one))))))) meaning that person is your #1 person above all else. again, i know there are plenty of ways to bend this rule, but i feel like it is one of the staples of socially ideal romance. i feel like it shouldnt be completely ignored.

 

reading that makes a lot more sense. i remember i was the most confused when some bitch on the internet tried to claim that cuddling was inherently romantic. pff, for sure.

the answer is that there is no answer. whoops.

 

anyways, thanks for the help, fellow. you really are a smart cookie. :^)

[DStorm]

This string was enlightening. I have never been in a relationship where sex was expected when touching was involved. So I quit touching. I think I would consider romantic to be cuddling, kissing, holding hands...the hug that is more than just hello. If sex were not expected then I think I could relax and enjoy.

[Dot.2.Dot]

I am really fascinated with these topics. I have never really considered so many different types of feelings people can have for each other or how different people view things. 

 

I am not aro but I think I'm starting to understand what that is now.

 

As for activities, mine were: Platonic--bowling, pool, cards, talking, listening to music, eat; Romantic--watch movies, dance, go fishing (my late husband took me for our anniversary); Sensual--dancing in the middle of the day in a gravel parking lot outside of a pickup truck, buying me a tool set of my own, buying me a pair of thermal socks when my feet were freezing, riding on the merry-go-round with me.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with setting and the feelings of those involved. I've always been odd about what I considered "moving." Though I LOVE a good kiss and hugs, those were more important in the sensual department to me.

 

My $0.02

[DStorm]

Ok. After thinking about it, I can see where my description would be more sensual. So romantic would be walking in a park, holding hands. Talking with and hearing each other. Finding out what the other likes and trying it, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone (except, I don't care who you are, I will not eat English peas).