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Questioning and confused. Am I asexual or something else?


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Brightwing

I'm female and 21, and long story short is I was asked out by a classmate in my college english class in April and we've been talking and going out a lot since then. I told him I was asexual(?) early on and he seemed okay with it for the moment. The other day he invited me over to his place to game and cuddle/make out, so I ended up going. We dropped the game part and ended up just cuddling and making out. That lead to a long conversation though of if I ever wanted sex. He was easy to talk to and understanding, he respected my boundaries then when I told him I wasn't comfortable right now doing anything under the shirts. There wasn't a spark per say but there was a warmth I had never felt before. It felt comfortable and safe. It felt amazing. But the conversation ended with the fact that his end goal was wanting to have sex eventually and I was uncertain about it. So we decided to stay friends. 

 

But the experience made me start questioning myself. Am I really asexual? While the kissing and cuddling didn't turn me on like it did for him, there was something nagging in the back of my head that this was something you could get used to. When it comes down to it I think I'm more so scared of sex than repulsed from it. I considered the possibility that I could be Demisexual but I wasn't sure. There wasn't a emotional connection there between us just yet. I don't know if I could be.

 

I was in a past relationship for 2 1/2 years when I was 16-18. It started to deteriorate though when I showed hesitation about possibly wanting sex and doing more than just sex. He was a very sexual person and he sometimes tried to push and convince me about things. When we finally broke up, I lost my sex drive and eventually started to wonder if I could be on the ace spectrum.

 

Now I'm confused and questioning myself though. Am I asexual completely or do I just need an emotional connection with someone first? Do I want a safe place where sex is possible or do I not even want it in the equation? This whole experience with the new guy made me start questioning myself. I never thought I would be as comfortable as I was with him making out with him on a bed and a couch. I didn't feel any arousal while we were doing it, but it was definitely something I could have gotten used to. He's a very open and understanding person, I didn't feel awkward about talking about things like this with him or even doing what we did. So I feel comfortable bringing topics like this up to him.

 

What questions should I be asking myself about my sexuality? I went through a couple of threads this forum has and I relate to a few instances but not all. I feel lost and confused and almost like I'm missing out on something special and amazing because of my uncertainty. So I wanna eventually come to a conclusion, I just don't know how to go about that.

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NickyTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds to me like you experienced Sensual Attraction, which is distinct from Sexual Attraction.
The difference is that the latter is a desire for sex, but the former is a desire for intimate physical contact like kissing and cuddling.

 

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Brightwing
5 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

It sounds to me like you experienced Sensual Attraction, which is distinct from Sexual Attraction.
The difference is that the latter is a desire for sex, but the former is a desire for intimate physical contact like kissing and cuddling.

There's a part of me that wonders though if I ever want something further than that. I sometimes think about sex and think that it could be fun, but the thought disappears soon. I have never attempted it before which is why I question myself "Well who am I to say then? You haven't even tried it, maybe you need the right person." 

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NickyTannock

I don't think you need to try sex to know whether you want it.
Heterosexuals didn't need to try Homosexual sex to know they weren't interested in having sex with the same sex, and vice-versa.

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Telecaster68
26 minutes ago, Brightwing said:

What questions should I be asking myself about my sexuality?

A couple of questions that leapfrog the whole 'attraction' definition might help:

 

Would I be bothered if I never had sex (again, if you've had sex already)?

Would I be bothered if my partner said they never wanted sex again?

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Brightwing
9 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

I don't think you need to try sex to know whether you want it.

That's true. There's something about me that's so... curious about it though. I'm on a thin line I think on whether I want sex or not, and that's where I'm struggling. Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I don't, it's a back and forth type of thing.

 

7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

A couple of questions that leapfrog the whole 'attraction' definition might help:

 

Would I be bothered if I never had sex (again, if you've had sex already)?

Would I be bothered if my partner said they never wanted sex again?

I don't think I'd really be bothered by by the thought of never having sex but as stated before I'm very curious about it now. If I did love someone and had a strong emotional bond then would sex be possible? I'm not sure. That question is sort of up in the air but leaning on the "I wouldn't be bothered" side I suppose.

 

Maybe I'd be disappointed if I did have sex once, enjoyed it and my partner decided no more. But I wouldn't be upset about it.

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BecauseShakespeareSaidSo

Hey! I think, many here can relate to you. I can, personally. I think, it´s much about the concept of sex and how it is seen as normal that makes everyone of us question themselves. Just a bit ago, I wondered whether or not one should try sex before determining ones asexuality. I have zero desire to do so, though, would have just "tried", since there seem to be a lot of people who do it, you know.. But the thought just does not appeal to me. I also came to the conclusion that some things do not need to be tried out.  In that case, do it and be done with it does not quite seem a good strategy. 

 

Of course, there is always the possibility that you may need someone you want to be sexual with (there´s demisexuality, also on the spectrum..). But things are fluent. You don´t need to rush. Warmth is a good sign. Just do whatever feels good and be open about it. 

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