Am I asexual? (long post)

[stormfeather]

Not sure if this is the right place to post... but I'm wondering, how do you know if you're asexual? I generally say I'm a straight female. But... some things about me make me think I might be asexual, but I don't know... I'm 22 and have only had one partner (and am still with him), and my partner and I were both virgins before each other. Anyway, here are some facts about me, tell me if you think I'm asexual or not. Here are some reasons why I may be asexual, and then down below there are reasons why I might not be asexual.

Reasons I may be asexual:

 

1. When I was in middle school and high school, all of my friends would look at teen magazines where there were pics of Taylor Lautner without a shirt, and they would woo about how hot he is! And they'd seek out pics of without-a-shirt celebrities... and I just didn't understand. I don't understand what "hot" means. "hot" as in, you people want to have sex with him? But you're all like 14-15 and virgins, how do you know you want to have sex with this person? I just don't understand how you can be attracted to a "body" or to "abs" or whatever. Can someone please explain: What goes through the mind of a 14-15 year old virgin girl who thinks that some random shirtless celebrity is "hot"? What does it mean? Does she want to have sex with him, and if so, how can she know that if she never had sex? I never understood this. 

 

2. I don't understand how people could have a crush based on just looks. Is it like a fantasy crush? Like, when you fantasize that this specific person has this specific personality and it's an attractive personality? Because that's the only way I can understand crushes based on looks alone-- is if you fantasize that that person has some kind of attractive personality. 

 

3. I also don't get the big deal about "sex being a deal breaker in relationships" and "test drive a car before you buy it". I think that you're supposed to love a person no matter what. If you love them, there's not "test driving", just love them for who they are. They're a person, not a car. Why do people break up because of sex? I don't understand the term "sexual incompatibility." What does it mean to be sexually incompatible? Anyone can have sex with anyone, so I don't understand this. Like, if you have different likes and dislikes, then just tell your partner what you like and try to accommodate what they like. What's the problem? Can someone explain what sexual incompatibility really means?

 

4.  I don't understand why people make a big deal about not having sex for x amount of time. Such as, if I only have sex several times a year, what's the big deal/problem? My partner and I have kids, and before we had kids, we had sex maybe a few times a month or less. Perhaps we're both asexual, Idk. During both pregnancies, we had sex maybe a few times during each pregnancy. After I had my second kid, we didn't have sex for like half a year, and it has nothing to do with recovery, it's just that, there wasn't much time to do it and neither of us really felt a "need" to do it. We're both tired and have other things to do. Sex also takes a lot of effort, it's easier to just masturbate...

 

Reasons I might not be asexual: 

 

1. I like to watch porn and, you know... doing it myself. Maybe I'm just lazy, but masturbation is easier than sex... I definitely "get horny" but it's easily taken care of with just doing it myself. 

 

2. I LOVE romance. I love romantic animes, cute couples in TV shows, and romantic gestures in real life! I love it! I absolutely crave romance, because of those butterflies in my stomach. But, when I'm attracted to someone, I'm attracted to their face and personality. It's like, as long as they're not obese and as long as they're healthy looking, then it doesn't matter what their body looks like. I'm more into their eyes and their personality. "Eyes that can look through your soul" so to say, or a mysterious, piercing type of look is romantically attractive to me. But body? Who cares.

 

3. Having sex is fine, I enjoy it and when I'm around my partner I want to do it (well, it's more like, "this whole cuddling thing makes me horny"), but if we don't do it that's okay too. I can always just go alone at it if I get too horny and my partner is busy or unavailable. But, see, this is why I think that I'm not actually asexual, because when I'm around my partner, there are times when I want to do it. But not all the time, just sometimes. 

 

4. I find the opposite sex attractive... but only in terms of facial features and personality, and as long as they have at least somewhat of a healthy body (not obese). Like, an attractive face would get me interested, but in order to keep me, they'd need an interesting personality. BUT, an attractive face is not a necessity. An interesting personality can override an unattractive face. I've always had a thing for "nerdy guys", because they were usually the ones with the most interesting personalities. But, I've only had several crushes in my whole life, including my current partner, so all this information is based on the few crushes that I've had. There were many time periods when I didn't have a crush on anyone.

 

So what do you think? Am I asexual, not asexual, or somewhere in between? 

[4108bn]

Well, I think what's most important is if you feel comfortable identifying as ace. But there is a good amount here that I think would be valuable to look into. These are fairly common situations for people to be in that identify as ace, look into the asexual community and decide not to, or identify as a more specific term that may feel more comfortable that isn't necessarily ace, straight, or something else tied to romantic attraction.

When it comes to your reasons for maybe not being asexual goes, it sounds fairly similar to myself and probably a lot of people here.
1. Porn and masturbation are both things that people who identify as ace commonly partake in. You can still enjoy both and experience physical arousal but not experience sexual attraction as both of those things tend to imply.
2. You can experience romantic attraction and still be ace!
3. Aces can go from being repulsed by sex or averse to it to enjoying sex and being positive about it! It doesn't necessarily have to do with the identity you feel comfortable with.
3b. There are also terms like demisexual, gray-asexual (or its variations), aceflux, etc. that may be of interest to you to look more into if you haven't. There's a great range of identities under the asexual umbrella, and it's ultimately up to you what you feel comfortable with identifying by.
4. There are plenty of types of attraction! This is kind of a similar point to 2, but there are attractions beyond sexual and romantic that people experience. It sounds like your attraction to facial features may be a product of aesthetic attraction, pretty much how things appear. Personality could be a platonic thing or a romantic thing, and all of it could be from a range of others. Experiencing attraction doesn't mean it's sexual, necessarily, and even if you do experience sexual activity or even some extent of attraction doesn't mean that you SHOULDN'T identify as ace.

Like I said, it really comes down to what you feel best and most comfortable with. That's subject to change, and that's okay! It may not. This is a great place to find resources, ask questions, and get involved with discussions, among other things. Hope this helps!

[NickyTannock]

@stormfeather Welcome to AVEN!

 

Reasons you might not be Asexual, answered:

 

1. Sexual arousal and sexual attraction, though related, aren't the same thing. 
People who are Asexual, who don't experience sexual attraction to anyone at all, may still have a libido, watch porn, and even masturbate.

 

2. There are four distinct types of attraction;

Sexual Attraction: the desire to have sex with another person (prefered over masturbation).

Romantic Attraction: the desire to have a close personal relationship with another person.

Aesthetic Attraction: the desire to admire the physical appearance of another person.

Sensual Attraction: the desire to have intimate non-sexual contact with another person, such as a cuddle.

Someone who is Asexual, who doesn't experience sexual attraction, may still experience the other three.

 

3. I recommend researching Demisexuality. It's on the Asexual spectrum, but where an Asexual never experiences sexual attraction, a Demisexual will experience sexual attraction for someone they've developed an emotional bond.

 

4. I've said there are four distinct types of attraction, and you're likely not experiencing sexual attraction, but the other three.
What I haven't said yet, is that these other types of attraction also have orientations, that don't necessarily match your sexual orientation.
Someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, but is romantically attracted to the opposite sex, would be a Heteroromantic Asexual.
If they're aesthetically attracted to the opposite sex, they'd also be Heteroaesthetic, but this isn't usually important enough to state.