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Struggling to feel enough as an asexual in relationships with allosexuals


peaches

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As a probable Gray-A who apparently seems to attract and be attracted to exclusively allosexual people, I've had exactly the same relationship and breakup story happen time and time and time and time again. I meet Person, we get flirty, I drop the asexual bomb on them, probably slightly over-emphasizing the gray-ness in order to not totally scare them away, but only slightly. Person reassures me that "their love is strong enough not to need sex" or whatever, and that we can "work through this together" and convinces me that this relationship is a good idea, and he's not like the other guys. Things are fine to begin with, they're gentle and sweet and kind and patient (I have not only a repulsion to sexual activity but a fear of it because of a history of sexual abuse, meaning that even being slightly less than fully clothed around someone else is really stressful and requires a lot of patience and trust). They are understanding of my (unrelated) depression, and help me through bad patches even though that means they don't even get the grayest of sex for an extended period of time because I'm so focused on just, y'know, staying alive. 

Then, at a certain point when I have begun to trust them and let my guard down, and maybe even love them, all of a sudden I am given the ultimatum of having consistently sex with them or having them leave. Because they just can't take it anymore, and they tried for me and they were lying to themselves all along, or something. Even though I was pretty black and white with it to begin with, they assumed my sexuality was a "sickness" that they could cure with patience and loved and it would all end in fulfilling sex. This ends in a cycle of breakup after each,because I feel like I'm never going to do better, I will crawl back to them and perform self-damaging sexual acts to keep them, until finally I leave, and inevitably meet the next person in this long line.

I don't blame them. I tried my best to educate and inform them, but they heard what they wanted to hear, like we all do... I guess my question is how can I stop this association in my head, that without sex I will never be enough for the people I fall for? Because I've heard those words so often that I can't help but believe it, that I am just too niche a market to ever be in a relationship where I don't have to cause myself some kind of psychological harm to satisfy the other person's sexual desire. 

Has anyone else felt this? How do you keep loving yourself when this story always repeats, and every beginning seems like it'll be different from the last time but then it isn't?

 

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@peaches Unfortunately sex is a really big deal to a lot of people, probably the most important thing in most people's relationships because it is all that is holding them together. I would look for an asexual partner or someone with a very low sex drive, I think that's really all you can do.

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It isn't that you aren't enough for them, it's that they just don't want to go through a relationship without mutually-enjoyable sex.  There isn't much to be done about that, especially since you feel repulsed toward sex.   

 

Although you say you were black-and-white about being asexual, this: "probably slightly over-emphasizing the gray-ness in order to not totally scare them away, but only slightly" may have caused them to think that they can deal with it with patience and working through it.  They probably feel that you will change if they are patient and kind and take it slow.  They just don't know that this is a part of you, not something to be "cured" by a relationship with them.

 

If you think that the abuse you suffered may be at the root of this, rather than asexuality, you could try counseling to try to resolve that.  But that would be best done when you are not in a relationship.  If you feel that you are actually asexual (simply have no interest in having sex with anyone), you may have to be a lot more firm up front about being asexual.  

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Sexual Ally

First off, I just wanna say, if it helps, there are lots of people of all sexual orientations who tend to repeat  negative relational patterns.  So you're not unique in that at all.  (I know that might not make a difference, but maybe it'll make you feel less alone?)

 

As others have noted, yeah, it sounds like you maybe haven't been as black-and-white as you think.  Because if you're deeply sex-repulsed but telling them at the start you're more grey/ace ----  that's a big difference.  I'm not saying you're not grey --- you get to define who you are --- but phrasing it that way to an allo is gonna lead them to assume that eventually, when there's an emotional connection, you'll be sexually available.  And it doesn't sound like that's the case.

 

Please do not have sex with someone in order to "hold" onto them, as you've noted it's psychologically damaging.   I totally get needing emotional support, and I've had similar experiences of putting myself in a position of seeking support from those who've had unreciprocated sexual desire towards me. As you've learned, it always ends up a losing battle.  So stop starting that fight.  'Seek out a queer platonic relationship or get your emotional support from non-sexual friends.  Break this cycle now, while you continue to nurture yourself.   Getting help for your depression from a professional sounds like a much safer bet for your long-term psychological well-being.

 

 

 

 

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I agree, first of all you really should be honest to them when having the talk about asexuality, about exactly what you could potentially do and things you would never do (ex. sex). If you're already one to hope that it will be different with this person, they will certainly hope so, too. They don't want to hurt you. If you feel like sex is off the table for sure, for the reasons you gave, you should say it to avoid them being disappointed and repeating this cycle.

If you feel gray but you think your asexuality might be the result of your abuse, please talk to a professionnal. They will help you a lot :)

 

Also, if you are sex-repulsed, there's only with Ace people that you might find what you're looking for. You should not expect from a sexual person this kind of commitment. It happens sometimes, but surely not that often unfortunately ...

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