AKHardy Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 Hey, So. I'm 16 and seriously questioning. The idea of being asexual or demisexual is stuck in my head, but I really have no clue. Please offer your opinions! Like I said, I'm 16. I (can't believe I'm typing this!) masturbate, but not ever to the thought of myself with anyone. It's always third parties with fourth parties. I write fanfictions and read smutty gay ones quite happily. But I haven't gone beyond a hug or kiss on the cheek myself. The idea of *ahem* fellatio squicks me out personally. Same with sex really, particularly with a bloke. But I'm not sure if it's just me being naïve and inexperienced. That's probably a part of it either way. But well... Advice? My only ideas are to experiment and find out. *shrug* Thanks! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AKHardy Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 Completely forgot to add - I've never had a crush. Or really thought "Ohmigod s/he's hot!". Don't get me wrong, I've thought, "Oh, s/he has a nice figure", but never have I ever had a crush. Apparently that's a foreign concept to one of my friends. so I haven't mentioned it to anyone since. Regardless of my sexuality, so glad AVEN's here! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 Welcome to AVEN! You do seem Asexual to me, based on what you've said. The tipoff is when you said that you don't fantasise about yourself having sex. Asexuals who masturbate tend to have third person sexual fantasies, whereas Sexuals will have first person sexual fantasies. Oh, and that's another thing, you're Asexual if you don't experience Sexual Attraction, but that doesn't mean you don't have a libido. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AKHardy Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 You really think so? Wow, thank you. So much. I'm sure hear it all the time, but still. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AKHardy Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 And the cake looks lush! Here, have some cake of mine too: 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 You're welcome, and thank you! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheAP Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 Yeah, you may be asexual. Don't pressure yourself to experiment to make sure. It's okay to identify as asexual even if you're not completely certain. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AKHardy Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 6 minutes ago, TheAP said: Yeah, you may be asexual. Don't pressure yourself to experiment to make sure. It's okay to identify as asexual even if you're not completely certain. Thank you! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 I would urge you not to definitively label yourself at your age. There's plenty of time left for your experience of the world to change. For now, if you have no crushes or attractions, 'asexual' is a word that fits you! But if that changes later, don't feel bad about changing how you identify. People can sometimes feel like they've 'commited' to a label and that changing it will lose them respect, and it can be disheartening to have people not take you seriously because 'oh they'll just change their mind again in a few months!', but really, don't stick with something out that doesn't fit anymore just because you think you HAVE to once you've chosen it. Experience can change everything about a person, very rarely do people stay all the way the same through their entire lives. Remember that its okay to change as you grow, so long as you're comfortable with yourself. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AKHardy Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 Just now, Scottthespy said: I would urge you not to definitively label yourself at your age. There's plenty of time left for your experience of the world to change. For now, if you have no crushes or attractions, 'asexual' is a word that fits you! But if that changes later, don't feel bad about changing how you identify. People can sometimes feel like they've 'commited' to a label and that changing it will lose them respect, and it can be disheartening to have people not take you seriously because 'oh they'll just change their mind again in a few months!', but really, don't stick with something out that doesn't fit anymore just because you think you HAVE to once you've chosen it. Experience can change everything about a person, very rarely do people stay all the way the same through their entire lives. Remember that its okay to change as you grow, so long as you're comfortable with yourself. Thank you so much Scottthespy, hearing that from someone else is a massive reassurance - telling myself just doesn't seem to work! And I'll definitely keep it in mind. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 1 minute ago, AKHardy said: Thank you so much Scottthespy, hearing that from someone else is a massive reassurance - telling myself just doesn't seem to work! And I'll definitely keep it in mind. Its something a lot of people on this site, of all ages, need to hear. I would say that if you're comfortable with no label at all, that's best, because you can't feel trapped by a box you aren't in. I would also, from personal and anecdotal experience, suggest caution in telling people, especially much older people, that you identify as 'asexual' until you feel comfortable enough with the word to not take offense to negative reactions. If someone hasn't heard of it or has heard of it in a bad way, they're more likely to have a confused, dismissive, or critical reactions. I wouldn't go so far as to say 'hide it', but be sure you can handle a bad response, just in case you get one. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AKHardy Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 2 minutes ago, Scottthespy said: Its something a lot of people on this site, of all ages, need to hear. I would say that if you're comfortable with no label at all, that's best, because you can't feel trapped by a box you aren't in. I would also, from personal and anecdotal experience, suggest caution in telling people, especially much older people, that you identify as 'asexual' until you feel comfortable enough with the word to not take offense to negative reactions. If someone hasn't heard of it or has heard of it in a bad way, they're more likely to have a confused, dismissive, or critical reactions. I wouldn't go so far as to say 'hide it', but be sure you can handle a bad response, just in case you get one. Yeh, I'm fairly private to begin with, but I'm undoubtedly going along with that. My group of friends and my parents are both pretty accepting of all LGBTQ+ kindsa things, though they tend to confuse my Dad, but I'm keeping it close I think. I'd hate to even risk damaging my rather limited social circle over it all, though it would hardly be the end of the world. I just know that they wouldn't get it. Thanks heavens for AVEN, you, Tumblr and the rest of the internet! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted May 26, 2018 Share Posted May 26, 2018 3 hours ago, AKHardy said: Yeh, I'm fairly private to begin with, but I'm undoubtedly going along with that. My group of friends and my parents are both pretty accepting of all LGBTQ+ kindsa things, though they tend to confuse my Dad, but I'm keeping it close I think. I'd hate to even risk damaging my rather limited social circle over it all, though it would hardly be the end of the world. I just know that they wouldn't get it. Thanks heavens for AVEN, you, Tumblr and the rest of the internet! Glad to be of service.^^ 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 On 5/26/2018 at 12:33 AM, AKHardy said: but not ever to the thought of myself with anyone. It's always third parties with fourth parties. That sounds like me, and if you are like me, you might want to check out autochorissexual (long as word, I know ) defined as "A person with a disconnect between themselves and the target of their sexual attractions/desiresor" or aegossexual as I think the new term is. See if it fits and if you recognize yourself in the threads. But I do agree with @Scottthespy, you should not lock yourself into a label like chain. They can be useful for finding similar minded people though^^ 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AKHardy Posted June 5, 2018 Author Share Posted June 5, 2018 On 5/31/2018 at 5:29 PM, HonoraryJedi said: That sounds like me, and if you are like me, you might want to check out autochorissexual (long as word, I know ) defined as "A person with a disconnect between themselves and the target of their sexual attractions/desiresor" or aegossexual as I think the new term is. See if it fits and if you recognize yourself in the threads. But I do agree with @Scottthespy, you should not lock yourself into a label like chain. They can be useful for finding similar minded people though^^ Thank you very much for the advice, it does sound relatable to me - I'll check it out! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Snickers2601 Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 From what you’ve said you definitely sound asexual or demisexual. You don’t need to have sexual experience to identify this way but feel free to experiment. I would caution you, if you we’re to be involved in a romantic relationship with a partner who is sexual, to pick someone who respects you fully and your decisions/consent (as in any relationship). I say this because you might want to participate in a certain action and confuse your lack of consent with the apprehension and nervousness that can occur at the beginning of romantic or sexual relationship. In my experience, as a 16 year old demisexual, I’ve found the lines of consent can be easily blurred as an inexperienced demisexual. A sexually aggressive partner who pressures you into anything even as small as a kiss is not worth your time and emotions. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starlit Sky Posted June 6, 2018 Share Posted June 6, 2018 It's possible that you are . . . it's also possible that you're not. A few years ago I was in your exact position. I masturbated, but I didn't really do a lot of fantasizing about me with someone (although sometimes I would, but they would be faceless individuals). I had never had a crush and had never found anyone to be "hot" in the same way that other people did. I never looked at anyone (no, not even people I was close with) and felt any sort of desire for something "more" with them. Up until I finally did. My boyfriend and I were together, doing things, and I felt the desire for something more: sex. It wasn't even about it being with him. Just sex. We didn't have it, by the way, because I'm not quite ready, but having that experience and a couple others has been enough to let me know that I'm not asexual like I thought I was. Some might think of me as gray-A, and I don't even want to say that they're wrong, but I don't think they're right, either. My sexuality is responsive (meaning that I'm generally only going to have a desire for something "more" if I'm in the midst of already doing something), which explains why I never had the same sorts of experiences other people seemed to have. And the fact of the matter is that you might be the same way. If you are comfortable with experimenting, then I encourage you to do so! Know that "experimenting" in no way means that you have to have sex (though it's also possible that you won't realize you're a/sexual until you do). Just take things slow and do it with someone you trust . . . I could go on and on. . . . By the way, try to let experimenting be a fun thing. If making out with someone makes you feel queasy, stop. Don't do it. Just go slow. A peck on the lips will do, and you can choose to either go forward or stop there at your will. Realize that you're only sixteen. Also realize that if you were saying you liked other chicks, no one would bat an eye. (Except homophobes, but that's different.) There are definitely people who realize their sexualities--including asexuality!--at a young age and they're right. If it truly fits with you right now, and you believe that you are, and it feels right, then I encourage you to embrace it. If you decide you're more comfortable not identifying with anything right now, then I encourage your to embrace that. Either way, there's no shame in it. I hope this has helped you in some way! I know it's not much, but unfortunately I kind of believe that with what you've described the best way to go about things right now is just to take things easy and learn from your experiences and bodily cues (like, if you're looking at other girls and you get all fuzzy, maybe you're lesbian, or homoromantic asexual, or whatever). ❤️ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AKHardy Posted June 6, 2018 Author Share Posted June 6, 2018 @Starlit Sky Thanks for the advice - it was really reassuring to hear someone say it was just okay to be and that if you change your mind later on, that’s okay too. It was brilliant to hear soneone else’s experience that was so similar. I’ll definitely keep it in mind, thanks! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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