Crushing on the most confusing guy EVER

[Cloudveiins]

I really need advice... I feel actually crazy in this situation,  because everything is so confusing.

 

Im a 19 year old girl. Prior to meeting this one guy,  i considered myself quite content being alone.  I have absolutely no experience with dating.

 

We met a couple of times at parties through mutual friends. He came into the room and sat directly next to me and began talking to me. He was so easy to talk to. i didnt actively recognize I liked him, but on the way home, couldn't stop thinking about how I may never see him again. 

 

But we did, a few times. I kept my distance for the most part,  completely content being his secret admirer. Nonetheless, i catch him looking at me,  and we end up talking for quite a bit. He asked me for my number by the end,  which totally caught me off guard,  but made me ridiculously happy. 

 

Long story short, we go on a few dates. The more I get to know him,  the more I like him. We have such similar interests,  a shared career path, and very similar beliefs and ideals for our life that its a bit scary. Im pretty shy and i get the impression that he is too, so neither of us made an effort to get closer to each other besides hugging briefly. 

 

So we get to this point where things are going really well,  we're finally getting to know each other on a less superficial level. I waited a week for him to ask me out again (i asked him out the last time so i figured itd be best) and he never did. He vaguely said something along the lines of,  "lets try to meet up this week," but i was the only one who actually gave ideas and times i was available. 

 

I started to get kinda nervous about the whole thing, but my friend told me that he said he really liked me and was looking forward to going out again. I had that peace of mind for a bit until... 

 

Another week goes by, and its just awkward small talk texts everyday. Mostly initiated by me. I decided I'd give him a chance to text me, but that idea lead to no contact for an entire week,  until i broke the silence. I eventually texted him asking if he wanted to go out,  and he said he would love to but that he's really busy until the end of school. 

 

Yet another week goes by,  and still, i couldnt help bur feel im much more interested than he is. So i bring it up, and he says hes still interested in hanging out, but that hes been focused on other things. I say thats fine,  and that he should let me know when hes free because id really like to see him. 

 

He's also been posting on social media about using online dating, going out with friends,  etc. So i highly doubt hes as busy as he says. 

 

Anyways,  school has ended since and I really just want to see him again. I've never been the most forward person at all, so this is really hard for me. It literally feels like if i didnt contact him he wouldnt ever message me,  but he's not ghosting since he does respond when i text him. I just really cant get a read on him at all. 

 

Im not sure what to do.  Should I wait for him to text me? Should I just be forward and ask him out? Should I give him some space? Every one of these seems like it has a bad outcome,  but i gotta do something. 

 

[Squiiishy]

I'm the same age as you, and I've been in similar situations in the past. Though, in my case, I couldn't see myself actually dating.

 

As hard as it is to do, I would give him a talk asking if you could talk to him. Even though it's less direct, I've found that it's easier to ask him how he feels through texting. I would try asking him something along the lines of the following:

 

You: Can I ask you something kinda random?

Him : sure

You: Do you like me?

 

Or, if that's too awkward:

 

You: So I was thinking...

Him: yeah

You: Did you want to try maybe going on a date?

 

Although, please keep in mind that responses like these would probably take me weeks to actually work up the nerve to send. I'm... not really to good with expressing my feelings. If you truly like him though, and can envision yourself dating him, I would say it's worth a shot. Does he know you're asexual? That knowledge will likely have an impact on the outcome, so you may want to keep that in mind.

[Dawning]

I'm so incredibly sorry that you're having to go through this! Unfortunately, this sort of thing happens all the time; it really sucks that your first dating experience has to be one of these.

 

The thing you have to ask yourself is; do you really want to be involved with a guy who makes time for everything, including going on dating sites, except for you, is lying to you about it, and has so little respect for you that he doesn't even care that you can discover his lies by reading his Facebook page? 

 

Either he didn't feel what you felt, or he did and it was too much for him; either way, there's nothing you can do about it. The best thing you can do now is show him how much dignity and self-respect you have, and stop contacting him. Yes, it's possible that he'll never contact you again, but the only thing you would actually be losing is this constant stress that you have over a boy who is making it really clear that he doesn't want to hang out with you. At best, in his mind right now, he's seeing you as his backup plan, who he'll do as little as he can get away with to keep hanging, just in case his other plans don't work out.

 

What next? If you are really, really sure you want him, despite his behavior: Find as many cool and fun things to go and do as you can, especially ones that he would be interested in, put on your cutest outfits and take selfies doing them, and post them on your Facebook page. If possible, find the occasional male friend to be in these pictures with you. Keep this up for a few weeks, a month or 2 at most. If he has any actual interest in you, your silence, your exciting life, and the suspicion that other boys might be interested in you, will draw him out to contact you. If you still don't hear from him… I know how hard this is, but you will have to let him go.

 

In the future, remember; if a boy stops contacting you, it almost always means that there is no possible further relationship with him at this time, and probably forever. It's always painful, but remember; it's his loss!

[Mr. Quickhands]

I've been in your shoes, I've also been in the guy's shoes. It's hard to say whether he likes you or not. If you went on clear dates, and you never got a "I had a great time but it won't work out" message, he likely was legitimately busy. He is also likely not as currently into you as much you are into him. Don't fret, being busy does that. The question is whether or not it's entirely because he was busy. I wouldn't put much weight on "insider knowledge" from friends, it tends to be not as "inside" as you think. If he's shy, or particularly if the friend is mutual, they're likely to hear a tentative "oh yeah, I like them" as "I'm in love and we're getting married in August".

 

That said, there's still the possibility that he lost interest on his own and is just gutless. Who knows? Nobody but him! Don't try to pry it from his head, extend tolerance to his gutlessness by moving on with your life if that's the case. Only concern yourself with the observables, your approach should be the same regardless of whether he's thinking about you or pink elephants.

 

School's over for now? You live in the same place? If yes to both, ask him out. K.I.S.S. (keep it simple, stupid) "Hey! Do you want to [activity] with me at [place] on [date]?" Don't complicate it beyond that, or you'll give in to your natural tendency to obfuscate your intentions. You don't want to do that; not because your intentions aren't clear to him, but because if you expect that he will give you an avoidant answer then you want it to be clearly avoidant, so you know for sure and you can stop thinking about it. Here's another example: "I'm going to [activity] at [place] on [date] and I was wondering you wanted to come along, just the two of us?" Catch the drift? One sentence, one activity, one place, one time, no "maybe"s. Use the word "date" if you want to be totally sure, but if you keep it nice and simple like that and don't use the phrase "hang out", it shouldn't matter.

 

From there, there are five possibilities: 1) No answer; move on with your life. 2) He says yes; yay 3) He says no in a direct way with no excuse, also yay; move on with your life, you can stop thinking about it 4) He says no with an excuse, but offers an alternative time/place/activity; yay, schedule it 5) He says no with an excuse, but offers/asks for no alternative time/place/activity. In that last case, just leave a message that definitively puts the ball in his court and leaves it there: something like "okay, let me know at any point if you want to go out on a date" and then respectfully move on with your life. It is vitally important in that case that you just get back to whatever you were doing. Take your experience for what it was as a nice time with a good person in your past, and take the lesson. If someone seems interested in the future and you are interested back, ask them out.

 

And about dating advice in general: what I'm telling you is a tactic. It's what I would probably do in your situation given what I've learned about myself and others, but it's not the definitive answer. There are many right answers, and as long as you follow the "Golden Rule" (i.e. "don't be a Richard") then there are very few wrong answers. If there's another approach that feels more natural for you, do that. This is a fun and good thing, it's more fun when you do it the way you want to do it. The only important thing is that if he continues to not show interest and not reach out to you, forget it and move. on. If he reaches out, he reaches out. If he doesn't, just go on with your life. Really.

 

One last thing that stood out to me in your post: if you both seemed shy on your dates, maybe in the future you want to put yourself in a more comfortable and familiar setting. Do something more casual so you can dress more casual, or do something that you are confident and familiar with doing. Put more focus on making yourself more comfortable. This is why I'm a fan of walks, you can have a conversation while not staring at each other. If you are giving off a nervous and shy vibe, it may make the other person mirror your mood and become nervous when they normally aren't.

 

Good luck!!

[gner0]

Tell this punk that if he actually wants to go out he better pick a place or time or else you're moving on and then leave that punkerino on READ! 

 

Seriously though, if he genuinely is interested he'll reach out. People make time to see other people they really like. And as much as I hate to say it, a lot of young guys like to have options when it comes to girls they talk to. So he very well could be responding not to actually follow through but to keep you around just in case he needs you when the other girls/people aren't around. Then again, I could be taking this superficially and he actually does like you back but has actually been really busy! In that case, this above mentioned method should still work! I've dealt with enough punk guys that I just don't give my attention to guys who don't make an effort. Even just the other day I got a message from a guy who totally played me and ghosted me three months after nothing from him. LEFT HIS PUNKASS ON READ. 

[Raidia]

For me it seems like he wanted something casual and you weren't interested in casual. Also with him saying that he's leaving time for dating sites and everything else. I also agree with some of these options. But if in the month or two (or however long you've been talking) if he's been doing the dating site thing then he truly wouldn't be interested in you as much as you are with him. Maybe that's just me, also if he isn't interested (by messaging you back unprovoked) then he really shouldn't be worth your time. But I totally agree with the whole if you really really like this guy. Can you deal with this now instead of being further down in a relationship and he pulls this same stuff. 

Good luck!