Are cishet aces/aros even welcome here or in the LGBT+ community?

[verymelancholic]

It seems as if a LOT of people simply do not allow or welcome straight/cis aces/aros at all. There’s still a lot of acephobia & arophobia out there and it really sucks since we are a really small minority in a sexual world.

[timewarp]

I have no doubts about anybody on the ace/aro spectrum being welcome here. I wish I could say the same thing for LGBT+ communities (plural) - some are welcoming, others seem not to be.

[Kitteη χ]

They are certainly welcome here.

 

As far as the wider LGBT+ community goes, my opinion is that it should be the individual's decision if they want to associate with it. As far as the reality of that goes, I have no firsthand knowledge, but from what I've heard they are often excluded as you describe.

[Anime Pancake]

Heteroromantic people are definitely allowed here or I wouldnt be here. Im a hetero non sexual. Theres a lot of "queer" people in this community that I dont understand, Im still allowed here. Honestly I do get annoyed by how many non ace topics there are.

 

And I dont want to be included in lgbt because I dont think straight aces really need to be there.

[Snao Cone]

Progress can be made in awareness of asexuality and aromanticism as sexual/romantic minorities, but whether specific LGBT groups include them in their purpose is really up to them. If a group or organization's purpose is compatible with ace/aro inclusion, then they should welcome ace/aro members. 

 

But really, why go to lengths to guilt them into that? Some organizations focus on sexual health, so giving equal resources to the asexual community doesn't make sense. Some organizations operate locally in regional cultures that may not discriminate against asexuality as much as they do other orientations. Cishet aces/aros don't need to be advocated for under the law for orientation-specific reasons. 

 

On the other hand, outreach, education, and community building for GSMs would benefit from ace/aro conclusion. People may go to LGBT organizations questioning their orientation, in which case asexuality is a very relevant topic. These organizations having resources for their clients is within their scope of interest.

 

Individuals can also have their own opinions. If someone doesn't relate to ace/aro identities or experiences, it's understandable if they don't have many ace/aro friends. They aren't required to go looking for proportional representation in their peer group. 

 

Edit: and in regards to here and other ace spaces, cishet people are welcome. I'm cisgender and I don't feel excluded. I hope others don't either. 

[Sexual Ally]

I think it depends on the venue.  If you're on a college campus, there should be more acceptance.  At my college, our "gay studies" class is purposefully titled "LGBTQIA Studies" in order to reflect the diversity of the community; the "gay" group on campus is purposefully called "Queer Alliance," again, to include all.  

 

As far as general "gay" centers go, it's probably going to be a mixed bag of totally educated people, accepting people who don't know much about Aces, and ignorant people who may not be accepting.  

 

I think the more Ace visibility there is (In media, pride parades, blah blah) faster consciousness will grow in the general lgbt+ community.  But definitely among younger people and on  progressive college campuses, it'll often be the "LGBTQIA Club".  Here in NYC that's how both Sarah Lawrence and Borough Manhattan Community College (just to name two) call their respective clubs.  This (or the general term "queer," an umbrella for anything non-heteronormative,) is de-facto accepted.  

 

I think there will always be more understanding from lgbt's on an individual basis, because they also comprise a relatively small minority, and they likewise know the sting of a society which artificially embraces the heteronormative above all else. 

 

 

 

[Yatagarasu]

My impression is that you have to be gay enough for them to welcome you to the club

[Nanoic]

cishets are cisgender heterosexuals. Aces are not heterosexual.

[InfiniteNull]

As far as here goes, I agree with everybody else... of course all ace people are welcome here, even gray-ace folks. Heck there are even some allosexuals around, although they might feel like the minority around here but I haven't seen anyone chase them off. 

 

For the LGBTQ+ community... I'd say use the following two step logic process

 

Step 1:

If the individual identifies their ace identity as meaning that they would like to be a part of the LGBT community start with a value of 1

If the subset of the LGBT community is inclusive and the people are jerks then add 1 more to the previous value. 

 

Step 2:

If the above sum is 2, then yes... this person belongs. 

 

If the sum is 1 then the person might benefit from finding a better fitting community

 

if the sum is 0 then the person shouldn't worry too much about it, maybe consider sticking with the Ace community specifically  The ace community is certainly inclusive, it's one of the things that makes me really happy about it!

[Duke Memphis]

To me, it doesn't really matter whether we're part of the alphabet soup or not. We've got each other, and that's far better than being alone.

[SparkyCat13]

1 hour ago, Snao Cone said:

Some organizations focus on sexual health, so giving equal resources to the asexual community doesn't make sense. 

I know the modifier "equal" is important here, but I feel like it should be important for aces to have sexual health resources too. There are aces who have sex who would probably benefit from guidance in that area, especially since it seems like a majority of us are rather clueless about most things involved with sex. I think resources on how to bring up, talk about, and navigate sex as an asexual with non-asexual partners would be so amazing.

 

I do agree that there are a lot of LGBT+ issues that wouldn't necessarily apply to a cis heteroromantic ace, though.

[Bronztrooper]

Main problem with heteromantic aces among the LGBT+ community is that a very vocal portion of the latter considers the former to be basically straight, and thus, have the same benefits as 'true' straight people (which, really, the same could be applied to bisexuals and pansexuals that have a preference for the opposite gender- and actually has been, iirc).  I've even been told that heteromantic aces are a threat to the LGBT+ community, without even being given an explanation as to how or why.

 

It's the damn 'Oppression Olympics' for them, and since asexuality generally isn't taken seriously by those outside the LGBT+ community, there aren't any laws or anything regarding it- the lack of which aphobes love bringing up as a reason why asexuals don't fall into their definition of 'oppressed'.

[Snao Cone]

29 minutes ago, SparkyCat13 said:

I know the modifier "equal" is important here, but I feel like it should be important for aces to have sexual health resources too. There are aces who have sex who would probably benefit from guidance in that area, especially since it seems like a majority of us are rather clueless about most things involved with sex. I think resources on how to bring up, talk about, and navigate sex as an asexual with non-asexual partners would be so amazing.

 

I do agree that there are a lot of LGBT+ issues that wouldn't necessarily apply to a cis heteroromantic ace, though.

Sexual health resources can have "Don't Like Sex? That's Okay!" sort of information along with other sex education material, and of course their general services apply to asexual people who are having sex for whatever reason. For the most part, though, their scope is not applicable to most asexual people, so campaigns specifically for sexual health in the queer community don't need to be marketed towards asexuals as much as they do sexually active LGBT people. A lot of other sexual health campaigns don't explicitly exclude asexuals anyway. I've seen posters that remind trans men that they may still need to get pap tests because they may be a particular demographic that doesn't get tested enough. Other informational materials I've seen on pap tests emphasize that if you've ever been sexually active (especially PiV) you should get pap tests at least every three years even if you haven't had sex in that time span. It also said if you've never had sex you may not need to get tested. The last time I saw one of those I thought that was pretty ace inclusive, as it acknowledged that not everyone is sexually active, even people who have had sex in the past. 

 

A sexual health centre in my community has a number of LGBT and other community flags on the building, but not an ace flag. I don't think that's because of acephobia or erasure, though. Maybe one day they will add one, but I won't petition them. I understand if it's not their priority. 

[Welsh Ace]

The LGBT+ events and people I have been with have been totally okay with asexuals. BUT I know of, and have experienced, hostility online from the LGBT+ community just for being asexual, never mind aromantic, and heteromantic aces have it even worse. Personally I think we are part of the LGBT+ community and it is a lot of gatekeeping that goes on in all communities. But it doesn't make it any less damaging or hurtful for asexuals on the receiving end of it. I can understand why some aces want to stay away from the LGBT+ community as it is sometimes unsafe, sadly. 

[Duke Memphis]

I have a good friend I met online who's in the alphabet soup. She was the one who suggested that I might be ace when trying to explain what I am and am not. I really thank her for it.

 

I still find it unfortunate that most people think I'm straight, despite the fact that I explicitly stated that I'd prefer to stay a virgin and find lewd situations disgusting. I guess my chivalrous ideals and the fact that I have a girlfriend unintentionally give them the illusion that I'm straight.

[everywhere and nowhere]

6 hours ago, Nanoic said:

cishets are cisgender heterosexuals. Aces are not heterosexual.

I suspect the "-het" was used to mean "heteroromantic"... however, when this word is used outside the ace community, I have the same kind of objections as you do. Some aces are heteroromantic, but an asexual person is by definition not heterosexual (just as they are not homo- or bisexual either). And I don't like how "cishet" is used in an almost slur-like and exclusive way which implies that one can either be "True Trans" of fully cis, and even can make straight allies feel unwelcome.

[Anime Pancake]

@Duke Memphis

I think to most people (including myself) straight just means interested in the opposite sex, I'm a straight ace

 

 

[InfiniteNull]

17 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

I've even been told that heteromantic aces are a threat to the LGBT+ community, without even being given an explanation as to how or why.

 

It's the damn 'Oppression Olympics' for them, and since asexuality generally isn't taken seriously by those outside the LGBT+ community, there aren't any laws or anything regarding it- the lack of which aphobes love bringing up as a reason why asexuals don't fall into their definition of 'oppressed'.

As someone with history in the LGBTQ+ community I can tell you this is not everyone. There is also more tendency towards inclusiveness right now as it's become almost trendy to be as inclusive as you possibly can be especially within the community. I don't think in today's political correctness environment that people would feel quite as comfortable exhibiting exclusionary behaviors just because someone was hetero-romantic. I think they'd be likely to be shunned by the community, so my guess is if this experience is recent it was outside of the view of the larger community and mostly by some assholes. Just my thought ** shrugs ** I'd tell someone to fuck off if I heard them spouting poison about how heteroromantic people don't belong in the community. I'd go full SJW on them lol 😛

[LeChat]

I have been seeing more and more LGBT+ articles (and adults who aren't asexual) include asexuality, especially when the topics are about discrimination (i.e., mentioning how the LGBTQIA+ community is affected by discrimination, being harmed or ignored, etc.) So, I'm confident they're not talking about the "A" standing for "Allies."

[Bronztrooper]

On 5/26/2018 at 9:40 AM, InfiniteNull said:

As someone with history in the LGBTQ+ community I can tell you this is not everyone. There is also more tendency towards inclusiveness right now as it's become almost trendy to be as inclusive as you possibly can be especially within the community. I don't think in today's political correctness environment that people would feel quite as comfortable exhibiting exclusionary behaviors just because someone was hetero-romantic. I think they'd be likely to be shunned by the community, so my guess is if this experience is recent it was outside of the view of the larger community and mostly by some assholes. Just my thought ** shrugs ** I'd tell someone to fuck off if I heard them spouting poison about how heteroromantic people don't belong in the community. I'd go full SJW on them lol 😛

I realize and understand that.  The problem is that the people who're being exclusionary are very vocal, and thus, give the appearance that their views reflect the views of the community.  Especially to those who've had no real previous experience with the LGBT+ community in the first place.

 

It feels like nothing is really being done to stop their behavior aside from ignoring them (which, on the internet, doesn't do much of anything as someone is bound to respond to them).

[TRexPhilbo]

I'd echo @timewarp that anyone who identifies as ace and/or aro are welcome in ace/aro communities. Similar with queer communities as a whole: aces and/or aros should be welcome there too given that the spirit of the initialism boils down to "not cis and/or straight".

 

Being definitionally not straight or having completely "classically straight experiences" (in that asexuals aren't heterosexual and aro heterosexuals aren't attracted in a way straight people typically are -- that is being sexually and romantically attracted to a single other gender), aro and/or ace people should be included. Their experiences are often either in the minority or downright marginalised by the majority, so -- if nothing else -- they need a place to belong.

[InfiniteNull]

2 hours ago, Bronztrooper said:

I realize and understand that.  The problem is that the people who're being exclusionary are very vocal, and thus, give the appearance that their views reflect the views of the community.  Especially to those who've had no real previous experience with the LGBT+ community in the first place.

 

It feels like nothing is really being done to stop their behavior aside from ignoring them (which, on the internet, doesn't do much of anything as someone is bound to respond to them).

The only way to correct it is to be visible and engaged and to support the improvement of the community. Those of us who identify as queer and ace should definitely be open about our asexuality. We should also support the inclusion of those who identify as Ace, but Straight as belonging to the LGBT+ community if they choose to. That's the only way we'll get there

 

It's not the same community it used to be, I think everyone is working to grow up a bit and just needs instructions on how to be inclusive. Be patient with people and help them learn the right way to be!